F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to me, Gappy and APlate for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
1 - Me, Gappy, APlate
Next topic: Open
Leg closed: 15.10.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 8 - Me
2 - 7 - APlate
3 - 6 - Gappy
4 - 2 - Otterfox
A GAY OLD TIME
BAR.
TOM and ROGER.
TOM Kinda difficult innit, first day at university? Gotta socialise... (turns to guy at next table) Hi.
I'm Tom.
ROGER Hello. I'm Roger and I'm gay.
TOM Yeah... Where are you from?
ROGER Somewhere gay. I'm gay, you see.
TOM I'm from Rochester. And - er, what do you do in our free time?
ROGER (shrugs) Oh, anything, as long as its gay... Because I am gay.
TOM Uh-huh. What music do you like?
ROGER Gay music. In gay clubs. With gay people. From the gay scene. After all, I'm gay.
TOM Yes... And have you joined any clubs here?
ROGER Just the gay club. Because I'm gay. People in the gay club are gay too. Gay like me. I'm
gay as well.
TOM I see... And what're you studying?
ROGER Gay studies. LBG studies. LBGTQIAplusMNCDTMBGSAUGSUNFGAY studies.
TOM Of course you are. Hey, I did those exams: I got straight As!
ROGER Pardon? Oh yes, I'm gay.
TOM It's a joke. 'Straight' As - gay...
ROGER Don't laugh at me because I'm gay.
TOM Sorry.
ROGER It's okay. Maybe you didn't notice that I'm gay.
TOM I did pick up on it.
ROGER Don't worry. I am gay though.
TOM Yes...
(Dick arrives)
DICK Hi, Tom!
TOM Hi, Dick. This is my new mate, Roger. He's gay.
ROGER (stands up) How dare you, homophone? Sooooo reductive. I bet that's all you see about
me. (storms out)
GRAMS: GENERIC CHICAGO-STYLE BLUES
SINGER: I woke up this morning
Like I do everyday
I looked in the mirror
Basically all OK
My wife hadn't left me
Our marriage pulled through,
In fact, we just renewed our vows
At the Stoke Radisson Blu
[SPOKEN] There's no E on it, that's how you know it's posh.
I've not got the blues
I'm not down today
Mustn't grumble, fair to middling,
Not too bad, I always say
I could hop on a freight train
Ride right out of here,
Pick the optimal model
Cos I'm a logistics overseer.
I got no car troubles
My Chevvy's running great
Plus, it's not a Chevvy
It's a Peugeot 208.
[SPOKEN] Got those heated seats; cost a few quid, but didn't regret it come January.
Look into my non-long face
My eyes are drier than ever
You can tell by my in-joint nose
I'm at the centre of my tether
I've not got the blues
I'm not down today
Mustn't grumble, fair to middling,
Not too bad, I always say
I'll sing no sad song
Rather sing the Nessun Dorma
Which might mean I lose my job
As a vocal blues performer
[SPOKEN] And losing my job makes me sad, and then my wife will get get on my back and then I'll start to become insecure and - oh, no, there it is, I'm fed up again, good stuff, that'll do...oh wait, now I'm happy again, which means...nope, sad....oh, hang on,...no, it's OK...but it's not OK that it's OK....ah...oh!...d'oh...oooh! [VARIATIONS TO FADE]
TWO ELDERLY MEN AT A BUS STOP
BOB: How do, Jim.
JIM: All right there, Bob, lad.
BOB: Y'know what? We've been getting the same bus into town every morning, for ten years now.
JIM: Well, it's a nice quiet life, isn't it. Trundle into town, trundle back home again.
BOB: But after all these years, I don't know anything about you. Except for your name, age, and the fact that you once killed a man, mutilated the corpse, and buried the remains under the patio. You're like a closed book, Jim.
JIM: Well then, Bob, this might surprise you. I've always liked dancing.
BOB: Dancing?! At our age? What a waste of movements. How long have you been into that, then?
JIM: Well, I learnt how to dance years ago, from one of the best. I'm bad! Shamone! That's right, the great M.J. himself.
BOB: Wow! Michael Jackson?
JIM: No. Martin Jarvis, the actor.
BOB: Oh right. He said "I'm bad" and "shamone", did he?
JIM NODS
BOB: What sort of dance do you like doing, then?
JIM: Well, obviously I'm partial to a ballroom rumba.
BOB: I'm not surprised, with those trousers.
JIM: And then there's that one where you do something with a hanky and a stick.
BOB: Well, I can tell you're an expert.
JIM: I'm just passionate about dancing, Bob. It's like a calling. It's a lot like being a doctor, or a priest - except completely different in every way, shape and form.
BOB: Well, here comes the bus.
JIM: Oh yes. Late again. By the way, I'm probably going to confess to that murder I did.
BOB: Oh, well, it's probably for the best. Be a weight off your mind.
JIM: Yeah. Of course, I'll have to tell the police that you knew about it, so you'll probably be arrested as well, and we'll both end up rotting in prison for the last few years we have left.
BOB: Well, it'll be nice to have a change of scenery.
Samuel:
For everyone who gets stressed out as much as I do by my show why not open your mind to the relaxing world of Causland Daly...
Causland:
I wandered lonely as a Causland. That's what I'd be saying folks if I was off hiking by myself, which I am so I am saying it..I wandered lonely as a Causland that floats on high o'er vale and pauseland. When all at once I saw a rausland, a host of golden daffofauslands. Now keep this in mind as you slowly begin to grausland. Breathe in through your nose...and out through your bauslands.
Today I've wandered into a tree...by mistake, so I'm just getting a little bit of that Causland medical treatment before wandering back out of the hospital and will be Causlanding about the place before you can say 'where the hell did that baster'n tree rise out of?'
Beat.
Welcome back to A Wandering Causland. The hills and valleys of this great hill and valley get trod upon 4 billion and 4 times on average annually. This includes rabbits, goats, sheep, foxes but not squirrels. 'Why did you not include the squirrel?' You may ask. And in return, I may peacefully ask you to shut up.
Can't you just feel the tranquility of the great outdoors. The hills are alive with the sound of a Causland, and that Causland is me, Causland Daly.
Hmm...breathe in...and breathe out...pigeons. A Causland amongst the pigeons is what I would be saying if there were any pigeons here, which there are, so I am saying it.
Now we move onto phase two. I am here in nature as you might be too. Not actually within it, but partaking of it.. as you listen with me take a seat in a nest, now listen to the gentle brook, the harvesting swallow, the fermenting beaver and procrastinating bush rustled by the winds not sure which direction to go in. I want you to breathe in... peace, serenity, joy and love... breathe... just breathe...
FX: bee.
Someone get rid of that forlorn bee, he's disturbing my mantra-esque calmening.
FX: bee
That bee is ruining all the nature sounds.
***Loads of bees***
'And breathe in and relax and, and *cough* (laboured) don't swallow any bees. Listen to the sounds of nature. Become at one with the ebb and flow of this great nurturing land..and if someone could kill some of those bees peacefully, that would be great.
So breathe in once more (inhales) and exhale ,aaaah! And again-again ow! Breathe I-in (inhales) and out, aaaaah!! And one mo-ow, ow, oh Jesus!!!
Fx: Bees louder.
Samuel:
That's who we pinned all our hopes on. All the plotting and planning to get him on and he stresses me out even more. How is a bee attack relaxing. What was he thinking? That's it. End of show. Goodnight! Possibly forever.
End.
All good. Otterfox for me, with his trademark offbeat dialogue.
Another Otterfox.
It's the Monkhouse again for me this time.
I really liked Gappys line about being at the centre of his tether.
And Aplates line that stated that dancing was like being a priest or doctor except different in every way, was lovely.
Otterfox, I think.