F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Gappy, Alfred, APlate and me for wanking it. I'll PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
1 - Gappy, Alfred, APlate, me
Next topic: Sport
Leg closed: 24.9.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 6 - APlate
2 - 5 - Gappy
3 - 4 - Me
4 - 1 - Otterfox, Alfred
ON THE BALLS
CLASSROOM.
TEACHER and CLASS.
TEACHER Good morning class, and you. As you know, I am Mr Richard Staines, head of school rugby, but this year, due to endless cuts, I'm also covering English - and don't worry: you won't notice the difference, eh team - I mean, class!
SILENCE.
TEACHER Good. Now you should all have your books - Dickinson, where's the book I gave you?
KID I didn't like it, Sir.
TEACHER And how much did you read?
KID Um - one page, Sir.
TEACHER One page? Well, you can't possibly know after just one page whether you like a book. So it's not about liking, is it? It's about lack of application - lack of endeavour - lack of stamina! Lack of all those qualities that made ME head of the school rugby team when I was just fourteen years old! Can any of you losers claim that? CAN YOU?
SILENCE.
TEACHER Sorry... Now I have here Roach's team - ah, book review. Roach read 'Harry Potter, Part 53219: When will this shit end?' and wrote a glowing review. So, Roach, was there anything you didn't like?
KID Um - the ending, Sir. It was open.
TEACHER I see. So you prefer a happy ending?
KID Not necessarily. It could be happy or sad - as long as it's conclusive.
TEACHER (nods) Yes. I understand. It's like when I play rugby and the match ends in a draw. In a way, I'd rather lose... Not that I've lost a lot of rugby matches in my time, of course. Except the semi-final against Dick Green at four thirty p-m. on September 14, 2016. That bloody referee. Take about 'Should've gone to SpecSavers.' That final try of mine was definitely kosher - then this bleedin' mid-fielder passes the ball forward onto silly half-back, who only goes and tackles me from behind, but them's not the rules, see? And when I ask the ref for a penalty, what's he say? 'Sorry mate, didn't see it meself.' 'Didn't see it meself,' eh? Why is life so unfair? WHY?
SILENCE.
TEACHER Sorry. Now...
KID comes in.
TEACHER Jackson, late again, eh? Right - three laps round the bookcase. In fact, everyone (takes whistle from his pocket, puts it round neck) - everyone, three laps round the bookcase! (blows whistle) NOW!
1: Welcome back to our coverage of the World Athletics Championships. If you've just joined us, this year's test of physical endurance is a little different from previous incarnations.
2: That's right. The organisors have reviewed the finances of the competition, and realised that a lot of cost is eaten up by staging and stadia. So this year's competition is being held in the back room of the Flatulent Mallard in Barnsley.
1: And we're just about to start what has replaced the 100-metre sprint. Gone is the tedious time that used to spent setting up a race that lasted mere seconds, so instead we're just going to see who has the longest legs.
2: It's all about physical prowess, and so effectively this is basically the same. And the competitors are lined up aaaand.... they're out! Legs stretched to the limit, right in front of the body.
1: The officials are double checking and, yes, I think the winner is Nordensen of Denmark, with a fantastic 37.1 inches. Congratulations to him - of course, he's been in training for this for a long while.
2: All his life really.
1: Yep, the whole of this childhood was spent in growing that wonderful leg. Such dedication. Excellent limbs from the Dane, there.
2: And I've just had it confirmed that he's equalled his personal best. Well done, Sven.
1: And now attention moves to the other side of the stadium.
2: Just behind the bar billiards.
1: That's right, near the plastic candle-shaped lamp that doesn't work. And we're here for the static high jump event.
2: AKA, who's the tallest.
1: And Holland's Van Svenkmann is the hotly tipped favorite here - he certainly did well in an informal warm-up yesterday - but all eyes are on the plucky underdog, Diego Pereira of East Timor. You can see him lined up next to Van Svenkmann there...or you will if the camera pans down a little.
2: He's won of the hearts of everyone here in Barnsley, has Pereira, but the question is, when it's crunch time, can he become taller than a taller man? I think it's unlikely, but if anyone can briefly change the laws of physics, it's this plucky Timorien.
1: And I think we're about to start and...yes! Look at that, Van Svenkmann was immediately taller than everybody else, no doubt about that. Bad luck to Pereira, he gave it his all, but in the end he, quite simply, wasn't as tall.
2: But his hopes of a medal are not dashed yet.
1: Really? How come?
2: Because this event is decided by a best of three.
LEE: I saw a fight down the pub last night. Some bloke was getting a right pasting. There was claret everywhere.
BOB: Claret, was there? Makes a change to 'did you spill my pint', then. If he spilt his, er, glass of wine.
LEE: No, Bob. I mean 'claret' as in 'blood'. It was proper violent.
BOB: God, I hate that sort of thing. Did the landlord call the police?
LEE: No, Bob. It was a boxing match. On the telly.
BOB: Oh well, in that case, it sounds great! I love that sort of thing.
LEE: Yeah, it's a proper sport, boxing. I always say it's only a proper sport if you sweat.
BOB: Were you sweating, watching it, then?
LEE: Well, no more than usual.
BOB: I saw something on telly last night as well. The Tiddlywinks World Championship.
LEE: Tiddlywinks, Bob?
BOB: Tiddlywinks, Lee. You know, one bloke tries to cover the other bloke's wink, and get his own wink to go in the pot.
LEE: Can I stop you there, Bob? Much as I'm enjoying your interminable overuse of the word 'wink'.
BOB: Oh, is break over already?
LEE: Yep. Time for the second innings.
BOB: God, I hate cricket. How did we get mixed up with it.
LEE: Never mind, only another five hours to go...
Apologies for the late entry. No bother if it's too late to consider.
Commentary Gantry.
Vance:
It's Vance Conrad and Ray Husky here and you join us live pitchside for the swimming final. Sorry, have I the right notes?...Grass swimming is it?
Ray:
Maybe we were given the wrong directions.
Vance:
Yes we were actually. The pool is actually behind us. We'll just swivel around...and here we are.
Ray:
I might be a bit late, my chair won't swivel.
Vance:
Just lift it and turn it so that it's facing the pool.
Ray:
I'd love to but it's welded down.
Vance:
In that case you'll just have to face the opposite direction and guess what's happening.
Ray:
Right you are.
Vance:
And I've swivelled at the perfect time, you didn't Ray as you can't turn at all.
Valbueno there in lane one. He won bronze in Tokyo by mistake, he meant to win gold.
In lane two we have Victor Pendragon. He's 28 now. He would of course be 30 if this even was being held two years from now. In three there's
Clover Dufftester known of course for having huge hands like a fish.
Ray:
Yes, massive hands altogether... I'd say.
Vance:
In lanes four and five we have the Rottegen twins Jack and Jeff. No one can tell them apart, including me.
Ray:
And me...probably.
Vance:
And we've one triplet in six, in lane seven is Harry Crobson who took a huge bronze in his last competition which was a bit unfair as he only finished fifth. And in eight we have Marden Selkirk in the feathers and closest to my voice. Ray...
Ray:
I'm really looking, um, hearing forward to what will happen here. It's a strong field in the water and there will only be a twist of a chair in it I'd imagine.
Vance:
And they're under starters orders
Hooter.
Vance:
And they're off! Straight away it's one of the Rottegen twins that takes the lead..is it Jack or Jeff, it's impossible to tell.
Ray:
Its Jack. I'd know that stroke anywhere, is what I'd be saying if I could see it.
Vance:
It's Victor Pendragon in lane two in second. Not just because he is in lane two you understand. And he's keeping an eye on Clover Dufftester in three who can't or won't reciprocate the observance as he has decided to swim in blinkers. Speaking of not seeing, what can you not see right now Ray?
Ray:
I love the way I can't see what's going on at all right now Vance. It really adds to the excitement. It's lane eight that we need to be listening to. Selkirk in the feathers, helps him to swim as good as any bird, alive or dead.
Vance:
Before we reach the business end of this race, what's happening on your side?
Ray:
It's a horserace and they're well and truly underway. The favourite, number two...Dover Tuffcluster has taken the lead in the swimming trunks. I wonder was there some sort of wardrobe mixup with-
Vance:
There isn't time as we've reached the business end suddenly and they're all practically level. It's neck and neck and neck and neck and neck and neck and neck and neck as they race water wise. And it looks like Clover Dufftester is gaining a slight advantage. Maybe those blinkers are paying off after all. But what's this, it's the horse Dover TuffCluster in the trunks that's now passing them all out. It's Dover Tuffcluster from Clover Dufftester as they swap uniforms back with each other. What a dramatic end. What started as a-
Ray:
And it's also Dover Tuffcluster here that looks to be taking victory in the Willow Banklet Stakes but now a man in blinkers in swimming up the track and making great ground. It's got to be the one and only Clover Dufftester! It looked like a draw to me and I finally got to see something so I should know. Yes, it's going to a stewards enquiry. So we go to steward enquirian Ernie Badbadger in the swimming cap and goggles.
End.
All good, I like gappy's idea (makes a kind of sense despite its absurdity!) and nice to see the return of Otterfox with his peculiar late entry. But I'll give it to Michael - I remember at school when a P.E. teacher covered a different lesson and was bizarrely out of place (not quite to that extent)
Yeah! When I was at school the teachers had to cover a second subject and we had this PE teacher who 'did' English and you can imagine how each '''lesson''' ended up. There's escalation but the first exchange - 'lack of endeavour' over a f**king book - is pretty much verbatim (second time in thirty years I've used my Latin degree. Good.).
All good but Otterfox's epic this wank.
Monkle Mikebouse for me too.
The Monkhouse gets my vote too. I love those sketches where a person is out of kilter and adopting his skills to a different situation.
There were several funny lines in Gappys too so he was a very close second.
And aplates had his usual strong material. All in all three very strong sketches. It was a pleasure to read them all this week.
Thanks for the positive comments. All good this wank and yes, the clash of contexts is a nice technique. Results coming faster than my mother...