JOE BUMMER
PUB.
TOM drinking, bored... Enter DICK, manic, flapping arms.
DICK Hey, Tom! How are you?
TOM (shrugs) Mediocre.
DICK Good. I got this great new hobby. It's fantabulous, it's beyond the absolute peak of awesomefulness, it's - quite good, actually.
TOM Your last hobby was coarse fishing.
DICK Ah, that was last decade.
TOM Yes, but haddock don't like being called 'f**king c**ts'.
DICK In the words of Oscar Wilde, shut the f**k up. Wanna hear about my latest pustime?
TOM Do I have a choice?
DICK Up to a point - no.
TOM Go on.
DICK Get a load of this...
TOM As the priest said to the choirboy.
DICK Shut up... I got meself a guitar!
TOM Ah, cool. England has produced the greatest bands: Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Spice Girls - all right, I'm joking.
DICK Yeah. Led Zeppelin are shite... Anyway, just bought meself a new Rickenbacker.
TOM What's the difference between that and an old Rickenbacker?
DICK Two grand... Then I bought a brand spanking new amplifier.
TOM What's the difference between that and an old amplifier?
DICK We've done that joke... Plus I bought a speaker.
TOM What's its name?
DICK Steve... All right, I'm joking. It's actually called Roger.
TOM What else didja buy?
DICK Nothing much. Just got it rigged, better than the Russian elections. And got a valve, solid-state, hybrid, digital, combo stack, one-by-ten, two.by-nine, eight-by-seven, sixtynine-fine-by-me, Celestion Vintage thirty, greenback, creamback. stickleback, G12T-7S, Seventy eighty, impedence, impudence, in the ass, watt, double watt, watt the f**k, guitar hook, line and drinking amp.
TOM And?
DICK Ah, nothing much. Just a distortion, equalisation, modulation, delay, flanger, finger, flange, multi-effect, wah, wah-wah, wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaaahhhh multi-effect, multi-side-effect, multi-defect, fuzz, buzz, tuzz, phaser, reverb, filter, tremolo, tremble ho, fumble whore, compressor, boost made-in-Hong-Kong thingy pedal.
TOM Finished?
DICK Yes.
TOM Thank f...
DICK Oh, I forgot: the midnight application moon funeral, fuzzrocious knob yawn, DOD Tuna XOXYZ One Kenobi, SMB 100% Drive, Fuzzscrunching Big Muff Pie, Gayyatone Hell Monster, Danelectro Sitar Swami, Exar MMO3 Moon Metal SpamPeko, Caroline Guitar Vegan Pizza Milf Drive, Ibanez PD/Phat-Head Sound-Tank Slam-Punk, Charlie Stringer Finger Slammer Mold-Spore Cold-Sore Coleslaw strap.
TOM Awesome! When're you starting lessons?
DICK I would say, roughly, never.
TOM Why not?
DICK Spent all me money on the equipment, duh! Looks f**kin' great.