F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Gappy for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
2 - Gappy
1 - Otterfox, APlate
Next topic: Leisure
Leg closed: 19.7.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 7 - Gappy
2 - 6 - Otterfox
3 - 5 - APlate
4 - 3 - Me
GRAMS: SOOTHING AMBIENT TONES
VOICE: [SOFT] Welcome to Sootherphone, the sound of relaxation. Let my voice unravel your cares, take you into a zone of pure leisure, and help you find your true centre. Your leisure centre.
Imagine you are submerged in water. Imagine cool waves lapping against your face. Mmmm, freedom...and chlorine. Stretch out, stretch out and fully relax every muscle and just float...but not here, love, this is the main swimming lane, can't you keep your eyes open.
Let's come out of the water now. It's time to feel a hot soothing shower spraying over your body. Yes, you do have to press that button every 18 seconds otherwise it will stop. Close your eyes...close your eyes because that 90-year-old is soaping vigorously about 6 inches from you.
Why not get dried now, and we'll explore. Why not sit back on the pommel horse, and feel the scratchy brown texture under your fingertips? Oh, that's why now, people will start shouting at you. Unrelaxing! Then let's sit back on these parallel bars and - oh no, same problem. And the trampoline is well out, so don't even bother.
Well, then let's stand calmly and find our core focus. Stand still. No, walk a bit. Stand still. No, walk a bit. Walk a bit. Might have to jog now. Tell you what, treadmill might not be the right choice.
Now it's time to drift towards the most relaxing zone of all...the foyer. Oh look, a vending machine. Jesus, that's expensive. Three quid for a Guarana Boost. Daylight robbery. Why not go out and buy one at Martin MacColl? You could get a Bounty too.
[NORMAL VOICE] Martin MacColl: chocolates and stuff for a resonable prize. We sell fags too, relax.
JOE BUMMER
PUB.
TOM drinking, bored... Enter DICK, manic, flapping arms.
DICK Hey, Tom! How are you?
TOM (shrugs) Mediocre.
DICK Good. I got this great new hobby. It's fantabulous, it's beyond the absolute peak of awesomefulness, it's - quite good, actually.
TOM Your last hobby was coarse fishing.
DICK Ah, that was last decade.
TOM Yes, but haddock don't like being called 'f**king c**ts'.
DICK In the words of Oscar Wilde, shut the f**k up. Wanna hear about my latest pustime?
TOM Do I have a choice?
DICK Up to a point - no.
TOM Go on.
DICK Get a load of this...
TOM As the priest said to the choirboy.
DICK Shut up... I got meself a guitar!
TOM Ah, cool. England has produced the greatest bands: Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Spice Girls - all right, I'm joking.
DICK Yeah. Led Zeppelin are shite... Anyway, just bought meself a new Rickenbacker.
TOM What's the difference between that and an old Rickenbacker?
DICK Two grand... Then I bought a brand spanking new amplifier.
TOM What's the difference between that and an old amplifier?
DICK We've done that joke... Plus I bought a speaker.
TOM What's its name?
DICK Steve... All right, I'm joking. It's actually called Roger.
TOM What else didja buy?
DICK Nothing much. Just got it rigged, better than the Russian elections. And got a valve, solid-state, hybrid, digital, combo stack, one-by-ten, two.by-nine, eight-by-seven, sixtynine-fine-by-me, Celestion Vintage thirty, greenback, creamback. stickleback, G12T-7S, Seventy eighty, impedence, impudence, in the ass, watt, double watt, watt the f**k, guitar hook, line and drinking amp.
TOM And?
DICK Ah, nothing much. Just a distortion, equalisation, modulation, delay, flanger, finger, flange, multi-effect, wah, wah-wah, wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaaahhhh multi-effect, multi-side-effect, multi-defect, fuzz, buzz, tuzz, phaser, reverb, filter, tremolo, tremble ho, fumble whore, compressor, boost made-in-Hong-Kong thingy pedal.
TOM Finished?
DICK Yes.
TOM Thank f...
DICK Oh, I forgot: the midnight application moon funeral, fuzzrocious knob yawn, DOD Tuna XOXYZ One Kenobi, SMB 100% Drive, Fuzzscrunching Big Muff Pie, Gayyatone Hell Monster, Danelectro Sitar Swami, Exar MMO3 Moon Metal SpamPeko, Caroline Guitar Vegan Pizza Milf Drive, Ibanez PD/Phat-Head Sound-Tank Slam-Punk, Charlie Stringer Finger Slammer Mold-Spore Cold-Sore Coleslaw strap.
TOM Awesome! When're you starting lessons?
DICK I would say, roughly, never.
TOM Why not?
DICK Spent all me money on the equipment, duh! Looks f**kin' great.
SETTING: TELEVISION GAME SHOW
HOST: So, that was Amanda. And now, last - but not least! (laughs) Our final contestant is Gaz. Tell us a bit about yourself, Gaz.
GAZ: So, my name's Gaz...
HOST: Oh, is it really! (laughs) I think we know that already!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
GAZ: ...I'm from Norwich, in Norfolk,
HOST: Oh yes, Norfolk, that's where everyone FUCKS each other, isn't it!
AUDIENCE IS SHOCKED
GAZ: I beg your pardon?!
HOST: Haha, don't worry, Gaz, it was just a joke. I always make inappropriate jokes about the contestants. Just to put everyone at ease.
GAZ: But I haven't seen you do that sort of thing on this programme before.
HOST: No, no, we'll get rid of that bit in the edit, Gaz. It won't go out on the telly!
GAZ: (relieved) Oh, good!
HOST: Yeah, "oh, good", he says! You dirty old f**ker! (laughs) Don't worry, Gaz. We'll cut that bit out in the edit as well, you bastard.
GAZ: So, I work at a butchers...
HOST: What, like Frank Butcher?! (laughs) From Eastenders? Played by Mike Reid! About twenty years ago! You probably get that all the time, don't you!
GAZ: Sorry, I've never seen Eastenders.
HOST: Whatever, Gaz, whatever. Now, how do you spend your leisure time?
GAZ: Oh, well, I like...
HOST: Hang on, Gaz. Stop for a moment, before you go off on one of your f**king ten minute monologues again.
GAZ: Sorry...
HOST: I should probably rephrase the question, because "how do you spend your leisure time" sounds like the sort of thing only a raving madman would say.
GAZ: Oh, I didn't notice how you said it...
HOST: Sshh... Now, Gaz, what do you do in your free time?
GAZ: Well, I collect old beer mats...
HOST: F**k me, you're hard work, Gaz. This is supposed to be a light-hearted daytime game show, and you're banging on about hoarding soggy cardboard squares!
GAZ: But they've got different designs on them, like...
HOST: YAAAWWWNN!!! Try again, Gaz. Pretend you play sport, or go rock climbing, or f**king anything that won't make the viewers at home want to rip your throat out of your elbows.
GAZ: Oh. Um, sometimes after work at the butchers, me and the boss like to take some meat outside and kick it around.
HOST: Too weird, Gaz. Too weird, mate. Get off my show.
GAZ SHUFFLES AWAY, EMBARRASSED, WHILE THE HOST STARES AT HIM
ANDY: Hey Jim are you ready for the big match? We've got great tickets.
JIM: Yeah I know. I can't wait.
ANDY: Is Tom on the way?
JIM: Yeah he said he'd meet up with us in 20 minutes. He just said he had to run home and farrow.
ANDY: Sorry he has to what?
JIM: He said he has to farrow and he'd join up with us then.
ANDY: He has to farrow? That means he has to give birth to piglets..
JIM: Maybe that was'nt it. No. I remember now he said he has to do the fandango.
ANDY: (disbelievingly) He has to do a Spanish dance?
JIM: Y-No. Sorry he said he'd be here he just has to be ficiform before he can join us.
ANDY: (Slightly irritated) C'mon what did he say?
JIM: He said ficiform. Definately.
ANDY: So he has to be shaped like a fig before he can join us?
JIM: (weakly) Yeah.
ANDY: Why would he do that? What did he say?
JIM: No no sorry. I remember now. He said: 'Look Jim tell Andy I'll be 20 minutes late. I just have to go home and fimicolous.'
ANDY: He told you that? He has to go home and live in dung?
(Annoyed) What the hell did he tell you? We should be in the stadium now. Can you not remember a 5 minute old conversation?
JIM: Look it begins with 'f'. He said he has to go home and fffff... he has to ffff.......
ANDY: Put his feet up? Feed his duck? Fix a lightbulb? Fancy a flutter? What!?
JIM: He has to fffff oh God what was it .... ffff
ANDY: (Impatiently) C'mon!
JIM: (Under pressure) fffff, he has to fffff... shower!!
ANDY: (very angry and shouting) Sho.. Shower!? Thats the word you could'nt think of. How in the name of Christ does that begin with 'f'? How could you not think of a bloody stupid shower?
What the hell is wrong with you!!?
ANDY STORMS OFF.
JIM THINKS FOR A FEW SECONDS.
JIM: No, wait... it was ficiform.
END.
gappy. Good twist at the end there.
Hard to choose between them for me, if I'm honest, they all seem fairly similar in form again. Most real productions require some amount of Action. 1/4 point each.
Edit - Just noticed a character in Michael's flapped his arms, so that's the closest we'll get to it, plus there was a haddock joke on rereading, so I'll revote with a whole point to Nuthouse.
I'm tired of sharing fish with my friend. I've haddock with him. This plaice isn't big enough for the two of us.
Gappy.
A remarkably trad sketch from Otterfox has drawn my point. Enjoyed the others too though, thought it was a fun week.
I'm surprised that I won this week, I thought my sketch was quite poor (though there's a core idea of relaxation tape tropes and delivery applied to something else). I think you were all better than me this week. It's a funny old game.
All good this wank.
Sorry for the delay, Gappy too.