F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Gappy for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
3 - Gappy
1 - Otterfox, Me
Next topic: Marriage
Leg closed: 29.7.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 10 - Gappy
2 - 7 - Otterfox
3 - 5 - APlate
4 - 4 - Me
MISS GUIDED
STUDIO.
COUNSELLOR sits at a desk opposite a MAN and WOMAN.
COUNSELLOR Good morning, Mr and Mrs Roach, and welcome to your first marriage guidance session.
MAN Good afternoon.
WOMAN Yes.
COUNSELLOR This evening, do let's get off our breasts any grievances, troubles or nasty little lumpy bitties. After all, if one cannot air one's deepest, secretest secrets here, where can one?
MAN (shrugs) Facebook?
COUNSELLOR (patiently) Do go on.
WOMAN Yes. It's - um - frightfully embarrassing, but of late we simply cannot - how can I position this?
MAN It's - ah - the bedroom. We merely feel the - the passion is sadly...
COUNSELLOR (puts up his hand) Now fret ye not, my good, brave, sensitive souls. I have studied in Stoke, and many a time have I encountered such a plight - time progresses, excitement regresses; experiences mount, you cannot - and each time, I respond thus: I don't care.
WOMAN What?
COUNSELLOR You heard. I don't give a f**king f**k. I mean, for f**k's sake, you arrogant, tedious, totally self-centred, beyond deluded, totally and utterly self-f**king-obsessed little - f**kers, there's a f**king war going on in the Ukraine, there are kids starving in f**king India, there are acts of brutality and hatred and repression every f**king day. So what if you can't stiffen yer stiffy or mush yer mush, well boo hoo f**king hoo, big f**king deal.
WOMAN But...
COUNSELLOR Ah, shut up, you spoilt little bint. You crease me up, today's woman: 'Yerse, we strive to seize control of our sexualities, bodies and identities in, to quote Susan Sontag, a "radical act of self-will," serving as a trope for female emancipation on its broadest scale since Sontag's fellow feminist Germaine Greer spearheaded the new liberationary movement with her epochal, revolutionary and bleedin' awesome 'The Female Eunuch' in 1970.' And we thought you just liked bonkin', eh?... I know your sort: You'd switch on your six-billion-quid smartphone, read 'Gay-bashing, domestic violence, war in Israel' without batting a perfectly-curled eyelid; then it's, 'Jennifer Lopez leaves her darling hubbie,' and you'd have to kill yerself, wun'cha? Well that ain't feminism: it's just - being a dick.
MAN Now this really is...
COUNSELLOR And you can shut it too, you conniving, contriving, conservative little c...
WOMAN (gasps) He is NOT contriving.
COUNSELLOR Any idea what happens when a kid in Africa can't eat for three days?
WOMAN He or she...
COUNSELLOR I wasn't talking to you, tits-for-brains. Well? I'll tell you. He dies. That poor little innocent child passes away. Is dearly departed. Pops his lickle cork... And what happens if you don't shoot yer wad for three days?
(Pause.)
COUNSELLOR Exactly. F**k all. A biiiig bag of f**k all. One f**king biiiiiiigggg buncha fuuuuucckkk all... Now I don't wish to be rude. But I'm a leftie, see? And I'm sick to the scrote of self-absorbed, aureate, aristocratic arses like you moaning, groaning, griping, whining and whinging. So shove this up yer jacksie: I ain't gonna help.
MAN Well if that's how you feel...
COUNSELLOR Yup. You're so clever, you work it out. I ain't helping, and nothing you say or do can...
(As they get up, the man's bulging wallet falls on the desk and the counsellor looks at it.)
COUNSELLOR That said...
BILL: OK, Frank Sinatra: what songs do you want to record now you've come back to life?
SAM:Wait, can we explore the second part of that statement a bit more?
BILL:No time, just accept it as the premise for the next two minutes of conversation. What do you think, Frank?
FRANK:Well, I thought we could update some of the older songs, you know.
BILL:You mean like a dubstep version of Begin The Beguine? Cos we're way ahead of you, Frankie.
FRANK: No, I mean more like [SUNG] Love and marriage, love and marriage
Go together like a horse and carriage
By which I mean they're outdated
F**k who you want until you're sated.
BILL:Wow. You've changed a lot, Frankie - is it something to do with the process we used to bring you back to life?
SAM:What was that, again?
BILL:Leave it, Sam.
FRANK:No, I've not changed, but the world has. I've been looking at the internet, getting the lay of the land, which is why I'm thinking [SUNG] Strangers in the night
Who met through Grindr
Screwing in a park-
BILL:It may not be quite right to play the sex angle that way, Frank.
FRANK:Alrighty, I have some other ideas, like [SUNG] Fly me to the moon
Although we humans can't do that
The earth is in a sort of dome
And obviously it's flat
BILL:Yeah...OK, we'll bear that in mind. But I was thinking of updating the lyrics more kinda like [SUNG TO THE TUNE OF I GET A KICK OUT OF YOU] I get no kick from a vape. Huh?
FRANK: Don't try to foist crap like that on me, bub, I wasn't born yesterday.
BILL:In a way you were. The resurrection was a bit like that, wasn't it.
SAM: Was it? I don't know. And I'd really like to know.
FRANK:[SUNG] Come fly with me, spread chemtrails through the heaven
And did you know the deep state orchestrated 9/11?
BILL:The thing is, Frank-
FRANK:I've got you under my skin
A vaccine controlling the way I act
In '59 they signed the Antarctic Pact
[LOSING THE MELODY] So we can't go there, which is suspicious wouldn't you say?
BILL:When you say you looked at the internet, which particular bits did you-
FRANK:[SUNG] It's witchcraft
[QUICK AND UNMELODIC] And also JK Rowling was right in what she said about trannies.
BILL:We can't release stuff like that, Frank! None of it's true!
FRANK:[SUNG] Stop spreading fake news!
I'm leaving right now!
BILL:Alright, so the revivified corpse of Frank Sinatra just stormed out into the street. Never mind, it'll be OK.
SAM:Why? Do you think he'll be cancelled?
BILL:No. Because the zombies crumble to dust after about 48 hours, don't they.
SAM:I don't know! I don't know anything about any of this.
BILL: Oh, well, never mind, it's not really important. Let's never talk of it again. [PAUSE] Fancy a flapjack?
SAM:Wouldn't say no.
(Well, this ended up a fair way from the theme, but you can see how I got there.)
TWO MIDDLE-AGED MEN: FRED AND IAN, ARE SITTING TOGETHER IN A CAFE
FRED: So, are you enjoying your last night of freedom, Ian?
IAN: Well, sort of. I mean, it's 3.30 in the afternoon. And we're sitting in a cafe.
FRED: So?
IAN: No offense, but I've had more exciting stag do's.
FRED: Well, you're always getting married! And I'm always the best man, and you always say it's down to me to organise everything! It's getting bloody expensive. Then your marriages only last a few months, then you get divorced, and the whole sorry bloody business repeats itself...
IAN: Probably best not to say all that in the speech, Fred.
FRED: But Tina's gonna be your fifth wife! Who the Hell gets married five times?!
IAN: Well, Graham Taylor was married eight times. To seven different men!
FRED: Graham Taylor?!
IAN: Yeah, that's probably why he kept saying "do I not like that"!
FRED: No, Ian. I think you mean Elizabeth Taylor.
IAN: Oh, right. Anyway, the point is - (SINGS) "it's not unusual!" You know, like the song, by Indiana Jones.
FRED: No, Ian. I think you mean... Ah, forget about it.
IAN: Some people just like being married. Personally, I enjoy the feeling of security.
FRED: You should marry a night watchman then.
IAN: You wouldn't understand, Fred. You've never been in love.
FRED: No, I've been too busy being your best bloody man all the time!
IAN: And why do you think that is, Fred? (HE GENTLY TOUCHES FRED'S HAND) Haven't you ever wondered why you're always my best man? And why I always insist you join me on my honeymoons?! And join me in my marital bed?!
FRED: Well, now you mention it, I suppose I did think it was a bit peculiar. You mean..?
IAN: Exactly. You're the only person daft enough to pay for it all.
Priest:
Welcome, welcome everyone to this very special occasion as we celebrate the union of Liam and Kate.
As we talk of their union I'm reminded of my own union. The union that I made, that you didn't, but I did, with God when I was ordained a priest. Now Liam marrying Kate, Kate marrying Liam is great. I'm sure you're both wonderful, fantastic people but you're not unbelievably brilliant- like God. When I took my oath into priesthood I was married to the holy church. Just one normal person doesn't hold a candle to that. Not even every candle in this church combined.
We must not forget that marriage is a very special union between two people who love each other very much and there is no better way to express that love that to devote yourself to the other person entirely.
Let us now take a moment of silence to think of those whom we love...and how worse they are in comparison to who I married.
When I became a priest many moons ago. I remember I took a little time out to let in sink in. I remember being about as old as you are now and went on my own 'honeymoon' with the holy spirit. I decided to go on a hike. I was about halfway up when, by mistake, I stepped over a steep ledge. As luck would have it, my face got caught between two rocks. As I dangled there, much the same way as you're not dangling now, I came to wonder about greyhounds. How was it that I'd never, ever met one in the flesh? Even the word began to fill me with wonder. Greyhound I voiced aloud but with my trapped cheeks it sounded more like 'guhhun'. Why are they grey when some of them aren't I thought. Thinking was the better option as the words weren't coming out right at all.
I thought many things over the next day and a half and as my chubby cheeks grew slimmer through lack of everything, I was eventually able to free my face and plummet peacefully to the stones beneath.
God works in mysterious ways. If my face hadn't been trapped that day, I wonder, as you do now, if the greyhound epiphany would have ever come to me. I now look forward to my first meeting with a greyhound and what a joyous experience it will be.
Let's say a quick prayer dedicated to all Gods creatures but especially the greyhound.
Oh greyhounds with your skinny body. You would have been far too slim to have your face trapped as I did. Oh blessed greyhounds you may even have had quicker reflexes to avoid that drop altogether. And we all hope that before we make huge mistakes that we too channel our inner greyhound.
Oh greyhounds, you are way better than people. You're second only to God and thats even very close. Oh you are truly the sveltest of all the canines. Let us aspire to be like you entirely. So let us runneth more faster and let us all looketh more skinnier in your honour. We all pray intently that I will have one some day........I'd call him Roobis Tacktukis.....Amen.
Otterfox. That greyhound stuff came out of left field somewhat
APlate this wank.
A plate, thanks.
Nice twist from Aplate. Tis he for me.