F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Otterfox for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
3 - Otterfox
1 - Gappy
Next topic: Crime (suggested by APlate)
Leg closed: 8.7.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 5 - Gappy, Otterfox
2 - 4 - APlate
3 - 3 - Me
STALK STALK
PUB.
TAMMY...
Enter DIXIE, manic, flapping arms, lugging a bag...
DIXIE Tammy, Tammy, Tammy darling!
TAMMY Do you mean me, Dixie poppet?
DIXIE Yes, sweetie-poohs. Look, a sack full...
TAMMY Priests working overtime, dearest?
DIXIE No, silly billy! It's a sack of Valentine's cards for yous, and I recognise the handwriting: sure as eggs derive from a duck's bottom, it's Dave, the school hunk!
TAMMY (gasps) Ooooh, how simply divine! Do read one, ploppy-drops.
DIXIE (reading) 'I have loved you from afar - I'd like you to meet my ma - So be my love and what the heck - I put my tongue around your neck.'
TAMMY Ooooh, how sweeeeeeet! In the words of Sylvis Plath, scrumptious, dumptious, scriggly-umptious! Romaaaaaaaaaantic!
DIXIE Yerse, honey-plops, and here's another. 'Roses are red - Violets are blue - Mongeese are kind of mongeesey - I want to hump you.'
TAMMY Oooooh! (wipes a tear from my eye) Romance is not dead! Am I flattered, or who? That's the adorablest, enchantingest, dinkiest thing I ever did hear...
DIXIE Oooh, and one more. 'You are fine - Please be mine - Be my Valentine - Be my Valentine - Please be mine - You really are that fine.'
TAMMY (whimpers) Ahhhhhhhh, nothing says love like an ascending, post-Catullan, chiasmic tricolon! He wreally is the lusciousest, mushiest, cutest, tootingest, toothsomest, loviest-doviest sugarplum-pieest-sweetie-cakiest...
DIXIE (frowns) Hang on, I recognise this writing. It isn't Dave: it's Dirk, the school nerd.
TAMMY (screams) The harassing, molesting c**t! (whips out phone) Hello, police? I'd like to report a stalker.
TWO POLICE OFFICERS, P.C. CHIMNEY AND P.C. PILLOW, ARE OUTSIDE THE FRONT OF A BANK
PC CHIMNEY: That bloody bank robber is still in that bloody bank, PC Pillow!
PC PILLOW: Well, I'm sure the audience will be grateful for your exposition.
PC CHIMNEY: The position of my bloody eggs is nobody's business but my own. So what's the plan, PC Pillow?
PC PILLOW: I don't know. I wish we had one of those cones you can talk through, like they have in the films when they're offering them pizzas and helicopters.
PC CHIMNEY: There's no time for such luxuries. I'm going in. Cover me.
PC PILLOW PUTS A 'DORA THE EXPLORER' BLANKET OVER PC CHIMNEY'S HEAD
PC CHIMNEY REMOVES THE BLANKET. HE THINKS IT'S MILDLY AMUSING
PC CHIMNEY: That was mildly amusing, PC Pillow. To prevent you making another hilarious joke, however, perhaps we should go in together.
THEY GET THEIR TRUNCHEONS OUT - IF YOU'LL PARDON THE EXPRESSION - AND GO IN THE BANK
THERE IS A BANK ROBBER WEARING A BALACLAVA AND HOLDING A PISTOL
PC CHIMNEY: Right! Put that down, you villain!
PC PILLOW PUTS HIS TRUNCHEON DOWN
PC CHIMNEY: No, no, PC Pillow. I was talking to the bank robber. Now, Mr. Bank Robber, I want you to put that gun down. And remove that balaclava.
PC PILLOW: Steady on, PC Chimney! It might be a religious head covering. Article 9 of the human rights act states that everyone has the right to wear a hat, if God tells them to, or something along those lines.
PC CHIMNEY: Pah! It's just P.C. nonsense!
PC PILLOW: No, it's PC Pillow. I've been your partner for the past five months, don't you remember?
BANK ROBBER: Partner?!
PC PILLOW: (laughs) No, no, not like that! We're just colleagues.
PC CHIMNEY: Enough chit-chat! Put - the weapon - down!
PC PILLOW PUTS HIS TRUNCHEON DOWN AGAIN
PC CHIMNEY SIGHS, THEN LEAPS ACROSS THE ROOM AND HEROICALLY KNOCKS THE GUN FROM THE ROBBER'S HAND
A FIGHT ENSUES BUT IT DOESN'T LAST LONG, AND IT'S NOT PARTICULARLY EXCITING, TO BE HONEST
BANK ROBBER (lying on the ground): Curses. Foiled again.
PC CHIMNEY: Now, I've got to know... who is the man behind the mask?
PC CHIMNEY REMOVES THE BANK ROBBER'S BALACLAVA
PC PILLOW: Oh, I know him! That's Lee Plop, my old mate from school!
PC CHIMNEY: Ah, we'd better let him go, then!
THEY ALL WALK OUT LAUGHING
GRAMS: SMOOTH MUSIC
VOCAL: [BARRY WHITE TYPE SEXY SPRECHGESANG] If lovin you is a crime, baby, I don't wanna...do it for fear of reprisals. You know legal repercussions from the judicial system, yeah.
If wanting you is a felony, I don't expect that the rewards will outweigh the potential risks should the misdemenour be uncovered.
If being your man is outlawed in statutory terms, but generally ignored by the legal system, or at least unlikely to result in any punitive measures, like riding your bike without head protection or broadcasting a DVD on an oil rig in the absence of express permission from the copyright holders, then fine, hit me up. Shorty.
PRODUCER: I dunno, Barry, not sure about that one. Got any others?
VOCAL: Sure thing! Check this out.
GRAMS:FUNKY MUSIC
VOCAL: C'mon, drive it like you stole it! Drive it like you stole it!
PRODUCER: Nice!
VOCAL: Drive it like you stole it. Paying full attention to highway regulations so as not to alert the suspicions of the constabulary.
PRODUCER: Oh.
I completely lost track of my dates. Totally understandable if I'm too late but here it is anyway...
OFFICER DALTON:
Hi Julie, my name is Officer Dalton and I am the police artist. Now can you tell me who threw your lambs away?
JULIE (UPSET):
He-he was a man, I think. He came into the field, caught Fluffy and Duffy by the legs, flung them into the horizon and ran away. (WEEPS).
DALTON:
And did you get a good look at him?
JULIE:
He was tall and had...(CRIES) mruh huh gruh haah.
DALTON:
I'm sorry, what was that?
JULIE:
I didn't say anything that was just cry.
DALTON:
I see. So what did he look like?
JULIE:
Well his ears were big, very realistic. He had short hair which was gone. He wore a coat that seemed invisible and his eyes were going the wrong way...vertical.
DALTON:
Did he have any distinguishing features? Glasses? A moustache?
JULIE:
Oh his glasses, they were gone. He didn't have a moustache, if he did it was gone but he had a small moustache over each eye and his mouth, his mouth...
DALTON:
Was gone?
JULIE:
Yes it was gone.
DALTON (TO HIMSELF):
God Almighty!
F/XCRUMPLING UP A PIECE OF PAPER.
DALTON:
Julie, remember I told you at the start to be honest with me.
JULIE:
No.
DALTON:
Well I meant to. I want you to be honest with me now. Strange men can't just go around throwing lambs away and the only way to stop him is for you to tell the truth.
JULIE:
Okay then. He had short brown hair and had stubble on his face. He looked to be in his early thirties.
DALTON:
Brilliant Julie, this is more like it.
F/XPENCIL ON PAPER.
JULIE:
Medium build with large blue eyes.
DALTON:
Excellent Julie. I think we have him.
JULIE:
Hey, he looks exactly like you.
DALTON:
What?!
FXOFFICE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.
DALTON:
Alright team, listen up. We're looking for a man. He has a moustache over each eye, His eyes are vertical, he wears glasses which are gone, his ears.....
END.
Otterfox.
Gappys pc Barry White effort is my pick this week.
gappy's concise offering this week for me.
I vote for a plate. I vate for a plote.