F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to APlate for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
2 - APlate
1 - Gappy
Next topic: Talk
Leg closed: 25.6.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 4 - Gappy, APlate
2 - 3 - Me
1 - 2 - Otterfox
SOCIALLY ADEPT
PUB:
TOM.
TOM (to camera) Ever since the digital revolution exploded like a teenager watching The Spice Girls perform 'Say You Will Be There' on Top of the Pops, 25th November 1996 at 7.38 and three seconds, give or take a billisecond, communication has become so much more immediate. Look at this, friends, Roamers and c**tymen: (takes out phone, presses) 'WhatsApp: Message from Dick.' (presses) 'Check your Facebook.' (presses) 'Check your InstaGram.' (presses) 'Check your Email,' (presses) 'Check your Gmail.' Oh fer fu... (presses) 'Check your Googlemail.' (presses) 'Check Googòemail plus.' (presses) 'Check GooglemailPlusMinusSixtyNinePlusPlusPlus.' (presses)
FAD OUT.
FADE IN:
(six months later)
TOM 'Check your Twitter, Facebook, TikTok, Snapcrap, Pingterest, Telegram, WeChat, WeCrap, WeBullshit, LinkedIn, LinkedInPlus, Bebo, Bobo, Boobie, YouTube, YouLube, BoobTube, Googlegroups, Googlepus, Discord, Xy, Yy, Googlemaps, Tumblr, Bumblr, Fumblr, Douyin, Kuaishou, Threads, Quora, Bora, BloodyNorah, Nextdoor and Facebook again... (sweating) Ah, here we are: 'Dick... Hi Tom.'
CAMERA PANS OUT TO SHOW MATE.
MATE What'cha doing, Tom?
TOM Saving time, Dick.
DICK Awesome.
ANNOUNCER: [CHUCKLING] And welcome along to sketches. This is a very fu-, very good and funny sketch, so let's just sit back and enjoy - ha - a bit of the, of the funny sketch.
DR: And what can I do for you?
MAN: Well, doctor, I've got a bit of pain in the leg. The left leg.
DR: I see. And does it hurt if I do this?
MAN: No, that's OK?
DR: I see. And what if I did this? Or this? Or this, which is something quite out of character for a doctor?
MAN: I'm sorry?
DR: Acting as if nothing untoward had happened, we're back to the generic doctor questions. Have you been sleeping well?
MAN: I mean, I'd say that-
DR: And then I do the uncharacteristic thing again. A mode of discourse or activity not normally felt to epitomise the behaviour of a GP.
MAN: I recognise that this is unusual, but I'm going to put up with it for now. And probably for longer than is strictly realistic.
DR: In which case, I do it again.
MAN: I've left myself very little option here in terms of response.
DR: And, maybe, like 5 words of normal doctor stuff, and then off we go with the same sort of variance in attitude and action.
MAN: Now, doctor, this is becoming increasingly atypical of a diagnostic primary care medic. It's time I were suddenly, and quite drastically annoyed!
DR: Sorry, I will return to a normal doctor metier.
MAN: Good.
DR: Yes. So, have you had a history of this sort of pain - that was leg pain, just to reiterate what seems like quite a while ago.
MAN: I don't think I'd say that I-
DR: [LOUD AND QUICK] The unusual thing, but louder and quicker! [APOLOGETIC] Sorry! Won't do it again.
MAN: No, it's no good, I'm going to leave.
DR: Will you get a second opinion?
MAN: Yes. Ironically, I'll suggest going to someone, perhaps of a different trade, from whom your recent actions might be more generally expected - eg, if you were talking in a very loud cockney accent, I might propose visiting the local market.
ANNOUNCER: [PAUSE] Yep, it was good. A good sketch. [CONTENTED SIGH] OK, and now, err....
Radio show (The Night Gordon). Everything has gone completely wrong and they are looking for a last resort to rescue the show.
Blennermore:
Do you want the Causland section sir?
Samuel:
I think we've reached that point. I'm stressed to the nines. Causland is my only hope.
Blennermore:
What can he do exactly?
Samuel:
He's studied the ancient art of meditation. It's where you close your eyes but don't fall asleep. Relaxation of mind and body to achieve inner peace. It's my last resort.
Blennermore:
What's his story sir, if I'm not being too forward?
Samuel:
You are but I'll tell you anyway. Causland Daly used to be a correspondent on the Night Gordon. He was the toast of the town. Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, or was it the other way around? Anyway, he was second only to me in popularity.
Blennermore:
And then he was attacked?
Samuel:
You're going about seven sentences ahead of yourself. He didn't like the injustices in the town and decided to do an exposé on the seedy and corrupt underbelly of society. He particularly wished to expose Dolly Loggertons Ace of Fives Emporium. A renowned hot bed of shady dealings. It was owned by Dalton Sullivan and other Sullivans.
Blennermore:
The pack of Sullivans who attacked him.
Samuel:
You're still a couple of sentences beyond where you should be. They put the frighteners on Causland by sending him summer flowers in winter, then with half the bunch missing. They then cranked it up by just sending the stems, then the vase with just water, then no water. When Causland still didn't get the message they smashed the vase over his head. They then got a whole pack of Sullivans to beat him up and warned him if he ever showed his face again they'd cut his eyes out through his ears. This message he got.
Blennermore:
So he went to Tibet.
Samuel:
Your sentences are on track finally. Yes, the ordeal had a profound effect on him so he fled to Tibet. Found inner peace in a monastery high up in the mountains and is now highly skilled in teaching that inner peace and tranquility to others. The thing is, he's been stuck there for five years. Knowing that a hugely stressful event was on the cards I sent the shows resident adventurer Buck Lazarus to Tibet to rescue Causland.
Blennermore:
What happened?
Samuel:
Buck recorded the whole thing. Let's have a listen and find out...
Buck:
Here in the Tibetan plateau I have discovered a hidden temple, protected by deep lakes and dangerous forests high in the Kailesh mountains. I have reason to believe that this is where we will find Causland Daly. He came here of his own will but we believe that it turned into a capture about a year ago. Built in the 15th century this monastery is amongst the most secretive and mysterious. Built during the Ming dynasty-
Samuel:
Get on with it! It's not a documentary you're making!
Buck:
You can't tell me what to do live. This is a recording. This rescue mission happened last week. Now this monastery was built by a secret wing of Buddhists in either 1416, 1418, 1422, 1427, 1431, 1444, 1448, 14-
Samuel:
No one cares what year it was built. Get on with the rescue!
Buck:
Ok, but stop talking to me from the future. It's really putting me off. This Tibetan mountain range is known as the roof of the earth. If that's the case, I'm after climbing in through the skylight. Ah large golden gates flanked by two huge Buddhist statues. Looks like the gate is unlocked and the statues haven't noticed me - I'm in.
No real stumbling blocks so far. I've avoided a few monks. A few others are just bent over on rugs. Either they're expressing their worship or I've hit them some time in the future and I'm seeing that past hit with my present eyes. Like you Samuel, maybe they don't realise that I'm here live and they think I've already beaten them up or something.
Samuel:
He needs to stop talking about time. We're running out of time.
Blennermore:
Maybe if he just grabs Causland and gets out of there? Would, would that be too much to ask?
Buck:
There was a load of the monk lads coming towards me so I've ducked into...what's it called?.....the Gantota Palace. Wow! I'm in some sort of vault. There seems to be ornate golden ornament's everywhere and a vast library that stretches out as far as the eye can see. Yes, this ancient Tibetan text - which is written in English for some reason - says that the mountain contains supernatural powers capable of changing reality and time itself.
Samuel:
Good God. If we were somehow able to channel that power, isn't it feasible that we could go back in time to before the bomb went off and avoid this whole sorry mess?
Buck:
No.
Long Beat.
Buck: (whispering)
Someone's coming. Yes, there's about 150 monks after me. I'm going to crawl in through this passageway that looks secret.
Blennermore:
A secret passageway?
Buck: (whispering)
What's a *secret*passageway?... Hmm, there's a small crack in the passageway. I can see outside. They seem to be constantly walking clockwise around the temple. Clockwise - clock - time. Maybe...they control the time through their movement. What if I crawl through the passageway anti-clockwise wise and see if it has an impact...I'm coming across loads of trap doors.
FX BELLS RINGING.
Buck:
The sound of bells? Is it warning bells, clocks going askew or everyone and everything are gone haywire. I'm hearing commotion and lots of humming or homming. There's a few dozen monks in the passageway ahead of me! I'm going to jump down this next trap door!
Samuel:
Just don't get caught. We need Causland at all costs!
Buck:
Stop telling me stuff from the future! There's someone in here homming sitting cross-legged. It's Causland!
Samuel:
Grab him and get out of there! Run outside the compound. There'll be a ropebridge waiting for you 50 yards east. Make the most of it and enjoy the journey across the steep ravine. I've hired two horses, Pete and Dud. They'll be waiting at the other side of the ridge for you. They'll tell you the quickest route out of the forest. At the end of the forest you'll meet a duck farmer selling feed to hens illegally. He'll give you the coordinates to where your escape driver is waiting - A Wallack Welwackanite Crackatakinite. He'll drive you half a mile down the road but no further as he's very low on petrol. At a clearing Pete and Dud will be rewaiting for you. This time use them as escape horses and ride them ten minutes east where a small escape biplane will be revving up. Escape pilot Tobias Fosstossiter will be ready to escape with you into the sky and escape. Rescue mission complete. It's almost too easy.
Buck:
I'm having real trouble escaping here. Causland isn't budging. His eyes are closed but he's not asleep. I think he's pretending for some reason. Your plan is completely mental by the way.
Samuel:
It's the best I could manage at short notice.
Buck:
Short notice? You're a week in the future!
Samuel:
That's your job Lazarus. Let me explain something to you-
Buck:
No time! They're breaking down the door in a clockwise fashion. I've got to go left now. There's a small window in the corner. I might just squeeze through.
Samuel:
What about Causland? Please tell me you have Causland.
Buck:
He's still deep in some sort of trance. I don't know what they've done to him. Maybe they gave him gone off soup. I've popped him in a satchel on my back and I'm climbing out the window. There's absolute pandemonium outside here. Theres monks running everywhere, there's a building on fire. It's mayhem.
Samuel:
Why are they so angry with you, they're supposed to be peace loving?
Buck:
I've no idea. It says here on the ancient scroll that there's a mystical place which allows you to reverse time and space. There's about 750 of them closing in on me now. They're closing the gates too.
Samuel:
You took one of their sacred scrolls? No wonder they're after you.
Buck:
At the bottom of the scroll here it says Shambhala bamburu tantala.
Samuel:
What's that supposed to mea-
Buck:
Somethings serious is happening They-they're all running backwards. Anti-clockwise now. The gates are opening slowly.
Samuel:
Quick! Go while everything's running back in time.
Buck:
Argh! It's going forward again. They're catching up to me, the gates reclosing. I'm hopping on a rug and sliding. Woooow!
Beat.
Samuel:
Did you make it? Buck?...
Buck:
.....We're out. That rope bridge you were referring to is a rope with a swing attached. The bridge element is practically non existent. We're making our descent now.
FX: Thud.
Samuel:
What was that?
Buck:
Causlands been hit by a squirrel. I think he's waking up finally.
Causland:
Where are we?
Samuel:
And that's how Causland Daly made his escape seven days ago.
Otterfox is back, look! I vote for Otterfox's epic. I started listening to the NIght Gordon episode 1 on Youtube a couple of days ago too.
Otterfox.
I thought it was perhaps a bit long for a stand-alone sketch, but I still definitely vote Foxy this week.
Tis Gappy for me this week. I liked the whole self awareness of it.