I wanted to write something for a character I love. I tried to think of something that Alan might do that was current/relevent. I think the subject matter is far too dark to ever produce but I ran with it anyway. I really like Alan's voice and hopefully I've channeled it here. Just for fun.
Footage/montages of war and violence play.
ALAN (V.O - serious tone)
Throughout history, man has committed grave acts upon each other that would make women, and other men, and respectable figures in power, and children and some animals - roll in their graves (both current and future graves) but rolling in graves nonetheless.
Fade to a black screen...
ALAN (continued)
In recent years, one particular act of man on mankind crime has come to light. One more heinous than any other... The sexual act of the perverted kind!
Footage/montage of 70s family TV play.
ALAN (continued)
Saville. Harris. Fox - once respected names in the entertainment industry now sullied by their horrific actions. That's Neil, not Sam Fox. I will no longer refer to them as a Doctor. That's Neil Fox, not Sam. She was never a doctor, occasionally a nurse but she never earned her phd.
Footage/montage of 70s family TV play, interspersed with 70s softcore porn.
ALAN (continued)
There would have been a time when one of these images would have been more offensive than the other. But pray tell me this; what would offend a modern TV audience more?
[image of 70s boobs]This?
[image of Saville]Or this?!
[image of 70s bush]This?
[image of Harris]Or this?!!
[image of 70s willy]This?
[image of Gary Glitter]Or this?!!
[image of a topless Sam Fox dressed as a mechanic]This?
I'll leave this one up, eyecandy for any of those previous images. But I'll censor it.
[image with censor of the breasts]
Ahh..
[image uncensored]
No, I won't censor it. Let's stop sexualising boobs, shall we?
[image censored]
No, I'll censor it. Actually, I'll censor the face.
[image with censored face but uncensored breasts]
Now it's just a natural pair of breasts... as God intended... fixing a car and with a bit of grease across the belly to imply that she has been near the car at least... Lovely.
Would I let her near my carburetor? Probably not. Would I applaud her attempt? Well probably not either, as she's holding a plumbing wrench. But am I going to deter her from such a profession? I'd say she has better assets in other fields. Which is funny because the other stock image I had of her was on top of a bale of hay. She truly is a jill of all trades.
But I digress.
Fade to black.
ALAN
It comes with great regret, my dear viewers, loyal fans and self-proclaimed "Alannites" and their rivals "PartridgePeople" and the now defunct "A-ha-halum" (RIP Maureen). That this very narrator, Alan himself-myself, will join the ever growing list of sexual deviants to sully our business we call show.
[Picture of Alan looking spiritual]
ALAN
It's important that we distinguish Alan Partridge away from sexual monsters and describe him as a pest at best, possibly a cheeky scamp? Yes, it's a crime that he, that I have committed but is it? IS IT? IS IT? IS IT? IS... IT?
Alexa... define crime...
ALEXA [robotic voice]
An action or omission which constitutes an offence and is punishable by law.
ALAN
It is.
[Fade to black and then montage of Alan which includes police style raids]
ALAN (dramatic hype tone)
Tonight the truth will OUT. Tonight justice will be served on an icy cold plate of revenge. Alan takes on Alan. No Alan-stone left unturned. This is - ALAN: EXPOSED.
TITLE CARD: Alan: Exposed.
CUT TO:
INT: V.O recording studio.
Alan sits behind a microphone, sat behind him are a producer, publicist/PR man Jerry, and a lawyer.
Alan looks very happy with himself, the others are in shock.
ALAN:
Well, what do you think?
LAWYER
I mean, I can't. I don't know where to start? Why didn't you run this by me before committing it to a recording?
ALAN
What do you mean? It's very clear, my message has gotten across. You agree, don't you Jerry?
JERRY
It's great, Alan. You sound more sincere than a priest.
ALAN
Not the best example but I appreciate your sentiment. See, he likes it and he's the PR man. He once got Corbyn out of a sticky situation... and I mean very sticky. Plus, he's Jewish, g'on put your kippur on.
LAWYER
What's him being Jewish got to do with it?
ALAN [Realising his mistake]
Ooh... fiddlesticks! I was meant to get a Jewish lawyer. Oh, Alan you schmuck.
JERRY
I'm not Jewish.
ALAN
Oh great, I mean, not great, it doesn't matter, is what I mean.
[disappointed] Oh, but what am I supposed to do with all these surplus kippurs now?
LAWYER
Alan, you have to rethink this.
ALAN
You're right. I could donate them to the local synagogue, get the Jews on my side.
LAWYER
Not the hats, the show. This isn't going to work well in your favour. You're slandering numerous people.
ALAN
You can't slander the dead.
LAWYER
Neil Fox isn't dead.
ALAN
His career is dead. And to people like us, that is practically death.
LAWYER
But...
ALAN
And when I say people like us, I mean TV celebrities, entertainers, not sex offenders.
LAWYER
I knew what you meant, Alan.
ALAN
And that's exactly why I need to do this. People get me. People will get this film. People will make their minds up... make them up before Panorama run their story, and are fed lies, upon lies, like some sort of lie buffet where they feast on the lies of my life, fondants of my soul, an amuse-bouche of my heart...
JERRY
Are you hungry, Alan?
ALAN
I am a bit, yes.
JERRY
I got those bagels you asked me to pick up.
Alan grabs a bagel.
ALAN
L'Chaim!
LAWYER
It will be LChaim if you associate yourselves with some of those names you've mentioned.
ALAN
I want to remind the people of what monsters are, what real monsters are and then compare them against me, not a monster, more of a martyr. [ALAN SEES THE LAWYERS REACTION]. Not a martyr. But certainly not a monster. If anything, something nice like a cookie monster or the sugar puffs fella.
JERRY
The bagel monster.
ALAN
Exactly. I'm soft, I'm doughy, you can have me for brunch.
LAWYER
Alan, it's simple. You don't contest, you put out a simple statement apologising, you'll get a slap on the wrist. It was a mistake, a first offence and like you've said, your celebrity will go in your favour. Just use your charm.
ALAN SMOULDERS AT THE LAWYER.
LAWYER
Yeah, we'll work on that.
JERRY
I don't know Alan, it sounds risky. I feel like you should just be big, bold and make your statement - ALAN PARTRIDGE IS NOT A NONCE.
ALAN.
Yeah... NO... I'm not a nonce! I was caught peeing up the side of a Whetherspoons in Swindon. I'm certainly not a nonce. I just happened to be a candidate for the sexual registry offenders list.
LAWYER
Yes but Alan, you weren't just caught urinating, you were urinating all over the arresting officer.
ALAN
[defensively]
Sometimes little Alan has a mind of his own and once he needs to expel urinat, he simply cannot be stopped, whether that be a desperate dash to the loos in Marks & Sparks, using the disabled toilet because there isn't a queue or urinating over police constable Sarah Winters. I said to her, I said, just let me finish, please, I have downed several pints of IPA, which are now currently working their way out and I simply couldn't make the long expedition to the Wetherspoons toilets three miles away. She whipped me around quicker than whatever Pete Burns was singing about and I became a golden fountain, a dirty golden fountain.
LAWYER
It's an unfortunate incident but understandable in the right context.
JERRY
Listen, he's in a very sticky situation and I know a thing or two about getting out of those [winks at Alan, who smiles and then acts disgusted].
LAWYER
Is that why you have that on your ankle?
JERRY HAS AN ANKLE TAG ON.
ALAN
Ooh... You told me that was a PR Alarm. It goes off when there's a public relations emergency. Like a Bat -signal... Well, yes, now it sounds very silly.
[contemplates]
Well now I don't know who to trust. The slimy lawyer or slimier PR man.
[turns to the producer]
And what about you?
PRODUCER
No, I'm not Jewish.
ALAN
No, can I trust you? I need a team around me, a team I can trust. A team like Jack Bauers, accept it's a team I can trust. A team that won't dirty me. So what do you say, can I trust you?
PRODUCER
Will you pay me more?
ALAN
Ohh, yes okay, it's not time for negotiation.
PRODUCER
Then yes, you can trust me.
ALAN
Brilliant... what's your name?
PRODUCER
Jarid.
ALAN
Jarid??
PRODUCER
Yeah.
ALAN
Not sure I can trust a Jarid.
LAWYER
My name's Jarid as well.
ALAN
What is this, the meeting of the Jarid's or something? I've never heard of this name until today and now I'm sitting between two of you, who were not 10 minutes ago strangers to each other. Jarid??
JERRY
My brother is called Jarid.
PRODUCER
Jarid is a very common name. It means, "he who has descended". Funnily enough, it's Hebrew.
ALAN
Enough with the Jarid talk, you can have your Jarid convention on your own time but this is an Alan convention, on Alan's time, on Alan's money, let's all talk about Alan.
LAWYER
I can't stop you from releasing this film but I am advising you against it.
JERRY
And I can't stop you from hiring this guy but I can advise you against it. Does he even have any media training?
LAWYER
Do you?
JERRY
I was Max Clifford's right-hand man, mate.
ALAN
Exactly... what?!
[Alan starts to panic]
I'm doomed, doomed and surrounded by Jarids.
Oh god, what am I going to do?
I'm not a praying man but will wearing multiple kippurs get me closer to God?
JERRY
Maybe you could wear the bagels like rings?
ALAN
Right, you're all fired. I will never be taken seriously being surrounded by a flock of Jerids.
JERRY
I'm not called Jerid.
ALAN
Your name is Jerry and that's not far from Jerid. It's an omen.
I'm pulling the plug on the whole thing.
Jerid, Jerid, Jerry-id... out!
PRODUCER
This is my studio.
ALAN
Then I will leave- [Jerry and Lawyer stand up] No sit down, I am executing a dramatic exit [They both awkwardly sit back down] Thank you... and goodbye.
[ALAN EXITS, LEAVING THE OTHERS BEMUSED]
[ALAN AWKWARDLY COMES BACK IN AND PICKS UP HIS BOX OF KIPPURS]
ALAN
Don't think I'm leaving without these.
PRODUCER
So your brother's called Jarid eh?
GERRY
Yeah, that's right.
Fade out.
END.
I had another bit where Alan interviews a witness but hides her identity, whilst also providing her voice as well which I thought would be funny and Alan-esque but I couldn't fully form the idea.
