F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Gappy for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
3 - Gappy
2 - Otterfox
1 - Tiggy
Next topic: The Sea (chosen by Tiggy)
Leg closed: 11.3.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 7 - Gappy
2 - 6 - Tiggy
3 - 4 - Otterfox
4 - 3 - Me
5 - 2 - APlate
6 - 1 - Alfred Kipper
I think you might wish to check your counting again, Mr M 
Three things I can do
1. Spel.
2. Count.
I vote for Michael. Love the brevity and accursy. Its the best one so far, if you included mine's.
Is good.
[TO THE OBVIOUS TUNE]
Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside
By which I mean 5 miles from the sea,
I've never really cared much for the surf and sand
Which is why I am generally found inland.
Keep friends close and keep enemies closer,
That's the logic I take with the sea,
You can listen to the band
At Great Yarmouth on the strand,
But I'll be down the A143.
Oh, I do typically deride the seaside,
From a distance that's not too near the sea,
The shoreline will always leave me feeling ill,
So I sneer at it from a tallish hill.
Chips are cheaper a few miles from the seaside,
And the seagulls don't crap on your packed lunch,
People inland enjoy jokes
And admire witty folks
And not a wifebeating thug like Punch.
If you're wise then you'll steer quite clear of Morecambe,
You'll know Weston's not super, it's a 'mare,
Non-coastal people hide their flabby bits,
And there's postcards depicting things apart from tits.
Oh, I'm happy adjacent to the seaside
No I don't want to go there more than once,
'Cos there's really nothing rarer
Than an English riviera
Town that isn't full up with c**ts.
NO WOMAN, NO BUY
RESTAURANT.
MAN and WOMAN.
MAN This is a nice little sea-food restaurant, isn't it, darling?
WOMAN Not bad... But you didn't have to hold the door open for me like that.
MAN I was just...
WOMAN Well, don't. I think women have come a long way since that old-fashioned, rather sexist chivalry, don't you? We're perfectly capable of opening doors for ourselves now.
MAN Yes. Sorry.
WOMAN I forgive you. Just once.
MAN Thank you. (peruses menu) What would you like for starter?
WOMAN I'll decide that, thank you. I think you'll find, Hugh Hefner, that this woman is in control. My decisions, my destiny, my poopoo platter.
MAN Of - of course. Would you prefer red or...?
WOMAN Will you shut up? I know what I want, what I really really want. Honestly, it's like Mary Woolstonencraft, Germaine Greer and the Spice Girls never existed...
MAN Sorry. Shall I call the wait...?
WOMAN Now f**k right off. For Goddess' sake, Enoch, next you'll be saying, 'Get back in the kitchen woman, put on a burkie and lie back and think of England.' This is exactly the kind of abject stale chavenisticfulness, bigoting sextarianisms and utter shit we women have worked like blacks - I mean Trojans - I mean f**king hard - to eradicate from the disquiminatinged, dogmatistic, dogratarianisming intransinkentism, presupperstitons and parmisanship of this predelickted, precumceiving, prebiassing society. You make Adolf Hitler look like Emma Bunton, you degrading, patrarchialistic, paternalful misogynicals ...
(Ad-lib to fade out.
Fade in. Paper drops on table.)
MAN Ah, the bill.
She pushes it towards him.
TWO BUSINESSMEN ARE AT A SEASIDE TOWN
BARRY: What a pleasant day we're having at the seaside! It reminds me of bank holidays as a youngster. Look, all the roads slope downwards, and there are those little triangular flags everywhere.
JIM: Bunting.
BARRY: We should purchase a bucket...
JIM: arrrgghh...
BARRY: And a spade, Jim. I wouldn't forget THAT tool!
JIM: No. This isn't one of those amusing Harbio adverts or whatever. We are only at the seaside for work purposes.
BARRY: Ooh, ooh, work purposes, work purposes..! Let's have some fun, Jim, for Christ's sake. Look, there's one of those delightful little shops on the corner. We could get a bucket...
JIM: arrgghh...
BARRY: And a spade, Jim. I wouldn't forget THAT tool!
JIM: Look, we may as well get something to eat. There's an hour to kill before the meeting.
BARRY: Ooh, yes, yes! We could get some chips! Yes, that's right, some chips! Although some sneaky flying beasts might try and take such potatoes.
JIM: (CONFUSED BY BARRY'S BOLLOCKS) What?!
BARRY: You heard, Jim. You heard. Look, there's a chip shop, conveniently located next to that plastic bucket shop that you're always on about.
JIM: Me?! You were the one that mentioned the bucket shop...
BARRY: And spade, Jim. I wouldn't forget THAT tool!
JIM: Let's get some chips, then. We can share a big one.
BARRY: Share a big one?! What, one chip?! The two of us, munching on one big chip?! Do you even listen to yourself, you devil worshipper?!
JIM: I'm f**ken sick of this. Wait here. (GOES INTO CHIP SHOP, AND MOMENTS LATER COMES OUTSIDE WITH A BIG BAG OF CHIPS)
BARRY: Look out, Jim!
A BIG SEAGULL SWOOPS DOWN AND STRIKES JIM, KILLING HIM.
SEAGULL FLIES OFF WITH THE CHIPS, LEAVING JIM'S BLOODIED CORPSE ON THE GROUND
FADE TO BLACK.
NEW SCENE: BARRY IS DRAGGING JIM'S CORPSE TO THE BEACH
BARRY HOLDS UP A PLASTIC BUCKET, PAUSES, THEN HOLDS UP A SPADE.
BARRY: I wouldn't forget THAT tool...
BARRY SOBS AS HE BURIES HIS COLLEAGUE IN THE SAND USING THE PLASTIC BUCKET AND SPADE
TWO 14 YEAR OLD CHILDREN SEAN AND PAUL, PLAYING ON A RAFT. HAPPY ATMOSPHERE, HAVING FUN. SEAN FALLS IN.
PAUL: (Shouts)
Sean!!...Nooo!!!
PAUL TRIES TO CATCH HIM BUT CANNOT SAVE HIM.
CAPTION: 'TEN YEARS LATER.'
PAUL IS STROLLING ALONG THE SAND, REMINISING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TEN YEARS PREVIOUSLY. AS HE STROLLS SEAN EMERGES FROM THE WATER, NOW FULLY GROWN UP AND GASPING FOR AIR.
SEAN:
(Gulping and gasping for air)
PAUL: (Shocked)
Sean?...Oh my God!
SEAN: (Walking out of the water still coughing and spluttering) Paul... I nearly drowned, I nearly drowned.
END.
I vote for gappy's jaunty number, some good rhymes and all the funny bits landed, with no filler.
Gappy.
I'm voting Michael. I almost went elsewhere because of the audacity of setting an otherwise unrelated sketch in a seafood restaurant, but even that cheeky move made me smile, and it's definitely the sketch I enjoyed the most.
I'm also going for Michael.