F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Otterfox and Gappy for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst...
Otterfox, Gappy - 2
Alfred - 1
Next topic: Animal
Leg closed: 27.1.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 14 Otterfox
2 6 Crindy, Gappy
3 4 Teddy, APlate
4 2 Me
5 1 Alfred
ANIMALLY RETENTIVE
CLASSROOM.
TEACHERESS (cute) A lovely morning to all my lovely class this lovely afternoon and welcome, lovelies to this evening's lovely, lovely and - well, lovely lesson, so shut the f**k up and f**king listen everyf**kingone.
CAMERA PANS OUT: ONE KID.
KID Yes, Sir.
TEACHERESS Shut up. Tonight's lesson is the animal alphabet game: can you guess what that is, dickstain?
KID (thinks) No.
TEACHERESS Come on, knob head...
KID Is it where the animals say the alphabet?
TEACHERESS (throws the blackboard eraser at him) It's where we think of a lovely animal for each lovely letter of the alphabet... Cock face.
KID (thinks) No.
TEACHERESS I'll start: A.
KID Um... A tiger.
TEACHERESS. A!
KID Tiger!
TEACHERESS I said, A!
KID A tiger. I keep...
TEACHERESS Shut up. Tit leg. An animal with A.
KID (thinks) Apple.
TEACHERESS That's NOT an animal.
KID I thought the tiger might be eating it.
TEACHERESS You total and utter nincomfart... Tigers don't eat apples.
KID No, Sir. Sorry, Sir.
TEACHERESS Try again. Pussy cheese. A,,,
KID Zebra.
TEACHERESS A, nad wipe.
KID Mongoose.
TEACHERESS A!
KID Um... Spiny lumpsucker, tasselled wobbergong, pink fairy armadillo, wunderpus photogenicus...
TEACHERESS Oh fer fu... Forsk eye.
KID Pleasing fungus beetle, Satanic leaf-tailed gecko, cat...
TEACHERESS Shut it, pube nose. Listen: aardvark, alligator, aardwolf, ant, anteater, antelope, antelope eater, anchovy, asp, Arctic wolf, Arctic char, farting arctodus, Arctic hare, albatross, give a toss...
KID Now I understand.
TEACHERESS African penguin, African sugar cane borer, African tree toad, shoot your...
KID I said I...
TEACHERESS Aidi, akita, ainu, pile of p...
KID I said...
TEACHERESS Alaskan husky, Alaskan klee kai, Alaskan pollock, do you give a flying... What?
KID I get it.
TEACHERESS Thank fu... I mean, lovely.
KID Dog.
TEACHERESS Ah, what the f**k are you, dyslexic?
KID Yes, Sir. Sorry, Sir.
TEACHERESS Oh f**k. Sorry. (leaves)
KID Clearly got ants in her pants.
GOD: knock knock!
DAVE: Morning God.
GOD: Morning Dave. What new animals have you knocked up for me today?
DAVE: There's this one. I call it a "cat". The four legs, fur, mouth at the front for ease of access...
GOD: Basically the same as that "dog" thing you did last week?
DAVE: There are certain similarities I suppose.
GOD: Which was the same as the "Hyena".
DAVE: There were subtle differences...
GOD: And what's that big bugger all about?
DAVE: The "zebra"?
GOD: You just put stripes on a horse.
DAVE: Welllll....
GOD: Which is just a big donkey. Which is a giraffe with no neck. Which is a spotty llama. You're so bloody boring! Always with the 4 legs as well.
DAVE: It's stable.
GOD: Use a bit of creativity for me's sake. Give 5 legs a try. A row of teeth along an animal's back. An arm that looks like a penis but works like a nose in the middle of it's face.
DAVE: That was the elephant.
GOD: Oh yeah. I liked that one.
DAVE: I was drunk.
GOD: Look, I just not happy with the originality of your work lately. I'm thinking of letting Gary take over mammals.
DAVE: Gary? The fish guy?
GOD: Yeah. You should see the latest range of deep sea stuff. F**king mental!
DAVE: You want to see something original? Look in this box. I stayed up late last night and drank a lot of coffee but I knew you were coming today.
GOD: Ooooh!
DAVE: So it's furry but it lives in water. The fur glows in UV light. It's got webbed feet and a bill like a duck which is electric, of course, and they lay eggs. I've skipped giving them a stomach, but the males have venomous feet and they all only have one hole in the bum that does the lot. I call it a platypus.
GOD: Um...I think it's about time you had a bit of a rest Dave. Maybe pop over to Eden for a week off to...calm down a bit.
DAVE: I'm fine.
GOD: No! Go now! And keep off the coffee.
DAVE: Well, ok. Find somewhere nice for platty to live for me.
DAVE GETS COAT ON AND LEAVES
GOD: Will do. Just relax and have fun.
DAVE: Ciao!
DOOR SHUTS BEHIND DAVE
GOD: What the heck do I do with this...thing? I know. I'll dump it on that island with the 10,000 deadly bugs, giant running birds, huge jumping pocket mice, those tree eating sex disease bears, and all the other really freaky shit!
Interview.
Sam:
Before this show we spoke with seven generations of lassie; last week I rode a horse and a couple of weeks before I had an unsettling encounter with a flea. Like it or not, animals are all around us and it looks like they are here to stay. Joining me now is an expert in the field...sea, air, lakes, undergrowth; it's inventor/biologist - Bob McGoblin.
Mr. McGoblin, what are you after doing?
Bob:
Before we delve into that, let me give you a little context.
Sam:
I've given the context - go for it.
Bob:
Let me just spin off the top of your context and give a little more of my own.
Sam:
I'm afraid you might get dizzy then, or even fall.
Bob:
I'll be careful. For some time we have been observing the animal kingdom and we're not happy with what we're seeing. It's become boring. Blundering their way into extinction, others acting like utter imbeciles, it's ridiculous.
Sam:
Like what?
Bob:
Well, take the panda, it won't even mate. It's totally drab, just black and white. A poor attempt at a bear. They probably ran out of colour - utter failure.
The koala is another one. In my opinion the koala serves no purpose on this earth. Stupid brain, crap teeth- useless! And I could go on.
Sam:
Please do.
Bob:
The sea snake - it lives in oceans but can't drink salt water. It can only drink fresh water but is constantly dehydrated because it refuses to go into lakes and rivers. The stupidity of it all (voice cracks) I mean, what are we supposed to do.
Sam:
This is emotional for you isn't it.
Bob:
Yes (sniffs) yes it is (sniffs) A dog chasing its own tail, a mongoose roaring at a twig, others falling out of trees, more fighting their own reflections. They're all just so crap! (cries).
Sam:
Sorry, no crying on my show. So what did you do about it? ...Quickly.
Bob:
Time was of the essence. At our lab we rushed through a new animal. We improvised its birth.
Sam:
Tell me about it?
Bob:
Well, it's not boring.
Sam:
Tell us a bit more than that?
Bob:
The birth happened by accident as the wind changed direction mid-way through and ruptured the very fabric of the experiment.
Sam:
And what have we ended up with?
Bob:
The resulting animal.
Sam:
Mr. McGoblin, it's all very well-
Bob:
It's doctor actually.
Sam:
It's a doctor? Well that changes everything. My word, I'm truly taken aback that you could create an animal skilled in the art-
Bob:
*It's* not a doctor. *I'm* a doctor!
Sam:
Excuse me. You do not raise your voice to me on my show. I raise my voice to me - only I can raise my voice. Now tell us about the bloody animal!?
Bob:
Alright! It's a snurgling grombler. It was born wearing thermal underwear, it has oval heels, will only eat its meals while on stilts and loves being launched into space. It also has long spindly legs like an otter.
Sam:
An otter doesn't have long legs.
Bob:
I know that, but if it did, this is what it would look like.
Sam:
Hmm... I don't like this at all. I think you're playing God, McGoblin.
Bob:
Excuse me! I take huge umbrage to that remark. To invite me on your show and to then accuse me of such heinous-
Assistant:
Sorry Mr. McGoblin, a call from your lab.
Bob:
They wouldn't be calling me at this hour.
Assistant:
The Holy Trinity Labs - something about a snurgling grombler escaping, and here's the bread and wine you requested.
End.
'YOU'VE GOT LESS RABBIT THAN SAINSBURYS'
MAN HOLDING A BASKET WITH A RABBIT INSIDE ENTERS A PET SHOP
PET SHOP OWNER: Oh, hello again, sir. I see you've brought back that rabbit you bought yesterday.
CUSTOMER: Yes, I'm bringing it back for a refund, I'm afraid.
PET SHOP OWNER: No need to be afraid! That rabbit is a placid soul.
CUSTOMER: He is, and that's the problem. You see, I bought this rabbit for my wife, because she read in Cosmopolitan magazine that a rabbit can enchance your sex life.
PET SHOP OWNER: Ah, I think there may be a misunderstanding...
CUSTOMER: I mean, I thought the rabbit was supposed to move around and stuff. But it hardly moves at all.
PET SHOP OWNER: Um... I hesitate to ask, but she hasn't actually been... Doing something untoward with that animal, has she?
CUSTOMER: Oh, good lord, no, nothing like that. She has been sticking it up her f**ken TWAT, though.
PET SHOP OWNER: Yes, well, that was what I was suggesting, but in a more conventionally British manner.
CUSTOMER: Well, I'm sorry if I've offended your sensibilities. But nevertheless, I would like a refund. It is my legal right to demand a refund for a faulty item, and this can safely
be described as a faulty rabbit.
(PUTS THE RABBIT ON THE SHOP COUNTER. RABBIT JUST SITS THERE QUIETLY, LOOKING AROUND
PET SHOP OWNER: But he's been used! And not used in the intended manner, that's for sure.
CUSTOMER: Nevertheless - and that's the second time I've used that word now - I want my money back.
PET SHOP OWNER: (sighs) Oh, very well. (OPENS THE TILL AND GIVES SOME CASH TO THE CUSTOMER.)
CUSTOMER WALKS OUT
CUT TO: SCENE IN A VETS OFFICE
THE SAME CUSTOMER IS THERE, THIS TIME HOLDING A VIBRATOR
VET: And, you say, he's not been eating his carrots..?
All good! My vote is for Tiggy, great idea.
Rare that gappy didn't do one, hope he's OK.
Liked them all which is fairly rare but it came down to Otterfox and A Plate and Plate's general sauciness and great last line gets him my nod.
Michael for me this time. I teach children stuff for a job so I emphasize with the frustration of the teacher.
Grazie.
Otterfox this wank.
A very strong week this week, even without a Gappy effort.
I genuinely liked them all but the Monkhouse pips it for me this week.
Evening.
Very nice to see I was missed, it's only the 2nd comp I've missed in about 7 years, but I was just too busy to formulate anything this time. I'll toss a vote towards A Plate whilst I'm here, though.