Hi All
Written for the Crime episode. Rejected from the Crime episode. It's a bit dark.
STELLAR STATIONERY
ATMOS: PRESS CONFERENCE. OCCASIONAL PHOTO TAKEN.
POLICEWOMAN: Oliver Bishop went missing on Tuesday at approximately seven o' clock PM. I'd now like to let his father, Clive Bishop, speak.
CLIVE: Thank you, Officer. Yes, I last saw Oliver around six-thirty. He popped in and said, "Dad, do you want me to stop playing outside now?" And I said, "No, you can keep playing outside, son, I'm busy starting my new business." "Oh, what's the business called?" he asked. "Stellar Stationery," I replied. "We export stationery all over the UK." "Stellar Stationery!" he exclaimed, with a gleam in his eye. "Wow, that company sounds great!" "Yes," I said. "At Stellar Stationery, we endeavour to provide the Great British public with all their stationery needs." "Wow," said my son. "But I bet ordering the stationery on the website is a real bother." "Not at all," I said. "In fact, our website has been streamlined by Indian entrepreneurs to make sure it's-
POLICEWOMAN: Sorry, sorry, Clive, I know this is a difficult time for you, but maybe you could talk about the ransom note.
CLIVE: Oh. Oh, well, yes, of course. Well.
F/X: UNFOLDING SHEET OF PAPER.
CLIVE: Yes, the ransom note. (CLEARS THROAT) It was written on an inferior brand of paper. You can get much better brands if you search online. But where you may ask, is the best place to purchase high-quality brands of A1 to A10. Well, Stellar Stationery of course, with its-
POLICEWOMAN: If we... could we focus on what the ransom notes says!
CLIVE: Oh. Oh, sure. It says, erm, "I have taken your son. Yada, yada, yada. The next time you see him, he'll be in pieces." Yeah, that's, er, it.
POLICEWOMAN: Right. Thank you. Yes, so as you can see, Oliver is in a lot of danger. Currently, we have no leads as to whom the kidnapper or kidnappers could be, so we are broadly appealing to the general public to-
CLIVE: Actually, come to think of it, I think this note might mean his Mum took him to the cinema.
POLICEWOMAN: What?
CLIVE: Yeah. "I have taken your son" just means she's taken him out for a trip. And, "The next time you see him, he'll be in pieces" means, the next time I see him, he'll be upset.
POLICEWOMAN: Are you sure about this?
CLIVE: Well, yeah. Apparently he's sad that I don't pay him enough attention. Or something like that.
POLICEWOMAN: Right. Well, Mr Bishop, you have wasted the time of the police, the press and the public. Would you like to apologise?
CLIVE: Yes. Yes, I would. I really wish I could go back in time and stop this whole sorry misunderstanding. I wish I could erase it from history. Speaking of which, Stellar Stationery is doing a great deal on rubbers! Buy sixteen, get your seventeenth free!
END
