More importantly, I have now finished marking the population of Europe, Israel and Australia's exam papers. Individual grades will be published shortly. That is when you will know if you have passed or failed. In the meantime, here are the correct answers.
01. The UK (brilliantly combined the five biggest long term influences on Britain today - David Bowie, the thumbs up loveable geezer (but is he privately a rogue?), the solidity of Her Majesty the Queen which continues to make all other countries irrelevant, British people who overrate us all but only very slightly and in a thoroughly decent and respectable wholly biased sense, and dear old wizard of the farmlands, Worzel Gummage at his very best)
02. Moldova (excellent - sophisticated to the point of being borderline classical, hummable, colourful in that traditional colourful traveller at a horse fair way, coming soon with a hat for your coins to every shopping precinct near you)
03. Switzerland (the best song on the night that was originally written in the 1920s.......initially I thought Chaplin but it may have been Ivor Novello)
04. Portugal (stylish if understated women's campfire convention which while clearly promoting some form of liberation never shouted it but rather did it under a quietly bewitching moonlight - they would have danced naked in woodland immediately afterwards - it reminded me of the great late Lhasa de Sela as I am sure it did you)
05. Armenia (the night's successful effort at combining a Bjork like cocoon with Paul Daniels - all very cryptic - how did she remember where the phrases were on the walls and indeed how did they manage to remove the elaborate set so quickly from the stage? It was a miwacle)
06. Lithuania (tonight Matthew I am going to be Shirley Bassey.......she's 85.....and this is a James Bond song that decides that it also isn't)
07. Sweden (arguably the best song structurally but her pitch was as uncertain as Carol Decker of T'Pau on a bad day - I don't think they quite did enough here to justify their future inclusion into NATO)
08. Norway (literary award for updating Little Red Riding Hood in a banana ish style - I am a nana, nana. you are a nana, nana, I love this, not only a good tune to keep fit to in your bedroom but a brilliantly subtle statement on how the yellow of Keeeeev is knocking out the red of Putin's Russia - inflatable bananas were waved aplenty in the wholly white crowd in a form that would never be permitted in football grounds)
09. Spain (standard sort of modern song but on the plus side it was the only one which led to a 35% increase in masturbation across the continent......they haven't won it in over 50 years but the decision to be sponsored this year by the porn industry did them huge amounts of good)
10 Estonia (Ghost Riders in the Sky or something from a spaghetti western - it was one of the strongest songs structurally - but it was messed up a fair bit by modern leanings and as for it being a Baltic sound - my arse!)
11. Romania (wimpy 21st Century vocals but it successfully blended the music of the Israelis, Eastern European Communists, the Cubans.....everything really except what Romania is actually like today)
12. Australia (histrionic and overwrought modern thing in the vein of Antony and the Johnsons but it gets big extra points for its genuinely good intentions regarding autism)
13. Italy (odd, not wholly delightful performers, and the sort of weirdly structured song that continually implies it is going to be bloody amazing but teasingly never is)
14. Czech Republic (gets points by not being so dire as the first song that half of viewers immediately switched off - the electronic look of it was cool - highly innovative and original in a 1981 way......next year expect something from them along the lines of Haircut 100)
15. Iceland (and I dreamed I was an eagle.....an all female Abba but only if they sounded like they were out of their minds on drugs in rural Texas)
16. Netherlands (Coldplay if they had been a woman and at their most depressing.......but it was ok-ish)
17. Finland ("The rock" one, the famous people one, another pre NATO one, another you have heard it a million times one, the I'm definitely now going to buy some yellow boots on Amazon one)
18. Azerbaijan (Coldplay if they were a man with a proper voice and at their most soul destroying - but it was ok-ish)
19. Serbia (Different in a Eurythmics meets Washateria sense and not entirely unappealing but frankly I wouldn't want her to be leading a cult church anywhere within a hundred miles radius of me)
20. Poland (Coldplay if they were still Coldplay if much depleted and at their most gut-wrenching, wrist-slashing, suicide inducing - but it was ok-ish)
21. Greece (The millionth sleep inducing version of one of only two songs that have actually been written in this century - crap - if this is the best they can do they should in future just focus on repaying their EU debts)
22. Belgium (Would have been 23rd but I've given it an extra point on diversity grounds and for being responsible for keeping Ireland out of it - what a joy that was)
23. France (This year's reminder that Hitler oddly had a big love both of ethnic folk music and kinky sado-masochistic sex -it was the Ukrainian winner of 2004 only slightly rewritten - it is currently not known whether Marine Le Pen designed the fires)
24. Germany ((The millionth sleep inducing version of one of only two songs that have actually been written in this century - and it is the worst of the two - total bollocks - if this is the best they can do they should in future just focus on telling Greece they don't have to pay off their EU debts)
25. Ukraine (If you thought they took part in this year's competition, you have been duped as they don't in reality now exist)
Congratulations you have all passed - I have given every one of you a low Grade C.
