What's the joke you've written that you'd defend to the death despite not one person besides you finding it funny?
Bum joke
So many, So many...
Not really a joke written, but on holiday in Switzerland recently everytime I'd see a gift shop I'd say to the missus "Look, they sell loads of Swiss Army Knives . . . Of course over here they're just called 'Army Knives'".
She never laughed.
In a similar vein, everytime (in my house) anyone says anything that sounds vaguely like a song title, someone says 'no use doing a eg Muse, Newton Faulkner song'. They are getting quite obscure and as I was moaning (as I do) about mess, this time '3 socks on the landing' my husband said no use doing Frank Sinatra (3 coins in a fountain).
Well, from my recent sitcom, only half the people found this bit funny:
"You're supposed to shave your whole face, not random patches. It's not Battleships. You look like a burns victim."
Though I think the Battleships bit is relatively new.
Quote: Seefacts @ March 25, 2008, 12:07 PMNot really a joke written, but on holiday in Switzerland recently everytime I'd see a gift shop I'd say to the missus "Look, they sell loads of Swiss Army Knives . . . Of course over here they're just called 'Army Knives'".
She never laughed.
That made me laugh anyway!
Quote: ian_w @ March 25, 2008, 12:29 PMThat made me laugh anyway!
I think it's a Simpsons joke though - in the Brazil episode Homer says the bag on his head smells like Brazil nuts, to which the kidnapper replies 'Over here they're just called 'nuts'".
Every pun I ever do, ever.
Whenever I'm out shopping with the missus I often wait until she's distracted, then slip five or six Femfresh products in the trolley. I think it's hilarious but she rarely laughs.
So many i'll have to cherry pick 
This one didn't go down well when i tried it
My girlfriend would be here tonight put she is staying at home. I tried to get her to come out saying we could paint the town red but I think she’s painting herself red tonight.
People say you shouldn’t be controversial for controversy’s sake. I say we should f**k animals. It was originally children instead of animals but that bombed harder than Al-Qaeda in Iraq (last bit is actually true and is now in my routine).
And I was going to use this one till someone pointed out what the new abbreviation accidently spelled oops. I'm not a homophobe and i'll f**k any man who says otherwise.
I think whoever called HIV aids HIV obviously did not have the middle classes in mind. It makes an awkward situation even more awkward. If you have to tell your parents that you have HIV they automatically say without thinking is ach (H with an A) IV not hach (H with an H) IV. They should change it to something like SFAG aids. Someone F**ked A Gorilla aids.
Quote: Leevil @ March 25, 2008, 1:06 PMEvery pun I ever do, ever.
Lee, Don't Pun - ish yourself.
I'll get me coat...
Quote: Perry Nium @ March 25, 2008, 1:09 PMWhenever I'm out shopping with the missus I often wait until she's distracted, then slip five or six Femfresh products in the trolley. I think it's hilarious but she rarely laughs.
The first one here that I actually laughed at - proving that basically they are all bum jokes.
Quote: Seefacts @ March 25, 2008, 12:07 PMNot really a joke written, but on holiday in Switzerland recently everytime I'd see a gift shop I'd say to the missus "Look, they sell loads of Swiss Army Knives . . . Of course over here they're just called 'Army Knives'".
She never laughed.
That's genius.
And AJP - I understand what you mean about Haitch.
Why do they drop it when talking about 'Ertford, 'Ereford & 'Ampshire but add it to the pronunciation of the letter?
There's no haitch in aitch. Like there's no money in my bank account as I just found out.