Yeah like the title sez, What's the best line or joke you have ever written?
(Thread idea nicked from another forum 
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Best line/joke YOU have written?
Best line of mine so far? Well, I'm not sure I write 'gags' as such, but here's an excerpt from a pastiche I started based on a classic Victoria Wood sketch called 'Giving Notes'.
In the original sketch, Julie Walters is in monologue as director of a local am-dram society. She's giving notes to the actors who are about to get in over their heads by attempting to put on a bizarre reinterpretation of 'Hamlet'.
In my homage, a similar character (the manager of an old folks home) is on the phone to a colleague about putting on a musical production of 'Scrooge' - using the frail residents as cast members. This is one of the lines I wrote that tickled me:
"It’s got nothing to do with age, Karen. It’s laziness, pure and simple. I know this is an old folks’ home, but that’s no excuse. We did West Side Story at Macmillan. And some of those buggers were really ill."
I wrote a line in my sitcom pilot that I had to cut and put into episode 2 which was the saddest experience of my entire life as I was just about to send it off.
I'm not going to put it up here, as some bugger might nick it.
Come now - don't be coy. Remember, only bad writers who can't sustain their own comedic ideas would steal jokes. Besides, someone would need to steal a lot of material (and do a lot of hard work) to get a sitcom out of a few good lines/ideas posted to an internet forum.
You won't really get this because you're not reading it in the context of the full script - but this bit of dialogue always makes me chuckle.
MR LOWDER:
Poor child. My parents were also less than kind to me. As soon as I was wrenched from my mother’s womb and their gaze fell upon my pale, albino skin, my fate was sealed. I was sold to a travelling freakshow where I was kept naked in a straw-lined cage until I was sixteen, shackled and chained as hordes of leering cretins endlessly gawped, all jeering the cruel slogan that still haunts my every dream, “Malcolm Lowder, Malcolm Lowder, Looks a bit like talcum powder!”
DALLAS:
(PAUSE) Bummer.
And this is another favourite from the same script.
MR LOWDER:
No darling, I have yet to grace the small screen, but tomorrow that could all change. I’m auditioning for a part in a new drama series set on the North East coast. Working title, ‘Whitley Baywatch’.
DALLAS:
Whitley Baywatch?
MR LOWDER:
Yes, it’s much the same as the American version, except with less sun and surf and more dead tramps and dog shit.
"Jesus loves you. But his Dad thinks you're a shit."
Don't know if it's the best line I've written but people seem to laugh at it.
In context: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2bpc7LSRZc
Perry, that's very funny.
Here's another couple of short excerpts from the same pastiche as before:
“Now I’ve had a rethink about Mrs Brimley as Scrooge. Not being funny, Karen, but I don’t think Albert Finney had a beard. We’ll cast her as Fagan when we do Oliver! She’s always nicking stuff so we’ll not have much work to do."
"What about Mrs Harrison for Scrooge? Ignore the scar tissue – she looks like a man. She will forget her lines, love, she’s 82. Rubbish, it’s nowt to do with Alzheimer’s. Her son said so? He will, won’t he? They’re doing Annie at Barnados and he’s an orphan short."
Quote: Perry Nium @ March 25, 2008, 12:58 AMYou won't really get this because you're not reading it in the context of the full script - but this bit of dialogue always makes me chuckle.
MR LOWDER:
Poor child. My parents were also less than kind to me. As soon as I was wrenched from my mother’s womb and their gaze fell upon my pale, albino skin, my fate was sealed. I was sold to a travelling freakshow where I was kept naked in a straw-lined cage until I was sixteen, shackled and chained as hordes of leering cretins endlessly gawped, all jeering the cruel slogan that still haunts my every dream, “Malcolm Lowder, Malcolm Lowder, Looks a bit like talcum powder!”DALLAS:
(PAUSE) Bummer.And this is another favourite from the same script.
MR LOWDER:
No darling, I have yet to grace the small screen, but tomorrow that could all change. I’m auditioning for a part in a new drama series set on the North East coast. Working title, ‘Whitley Baywatch’.DALLAS:
Whitley Baywatch?MR LOWDER:
Yes, it’s much the same as the American version, except with less sun and surf and more dead tramps and dog shit.
Genius as ever.
I think mine might be
George Bush to Journalist.
Dick touches George, he's like a gynacologist expressing his love for a woman, he says he'll hurt ole George if he tells.
Or these 3 slogans for the BNP
"We're the party to back, if you want them sent back," "Love the red, white, and blue or we'll do you," "BNP the party thtas right, right, right, if you're white white white,"
My favourite line I've written fails to get a laugh every time...
People say you won't find the answer at the bottom of a bottle, but what if the question is, "do people really get shipwrecked on desert islands?"
Quote: David Bussell @ March 25, 2008, 11:20 AMMy favourite line I've written fails to get a laugh every time...
People say you won't find the answer at the bottom of a bottle, but what if the question is, "do people really get shipwrecked on desert islands?"
David, I didn't get it.
How about phrasing it like this:
They say you won't find an answer at the bottom of a bottle. But what if the question is, 'Whatever happened to Robinson Crusoe?'
Or "open other end".
I believe the best joke I have written would have to be:
"A friend of mine said surprise me, apparantly rape wasn't what they had in mind... I'm glad you guys laughed, the Jury were stone faced."
After buying Jimmy Carrs latest DVD, turns out he has a similair one so I have to be very careful now or I get called the guy who steals the jokes... Or a c**t.
Quote: David Chapman @ March 25, 2008, 2:10 PMOr "open other end".
Much, much cleverer.
As for Jimmy Carr, I get likened to him by everyone I meet. It's my delivery, apparently. It f**king annoys me.
Same here, he is my comedy hero so I guess my delivery can be a bit like him, can be annoying though.
Before Carr, I got called Chandler for years, a la 'Friends'. Even more annoying ...