Feedback request

Hello, I've written a comedy novel however I need help please, from the comedy connoisseurs on here who will have a highly developed sense of humour /#END-BUTTER-UP-BIT/.
People who've read it have liked it, or did they..?, but newcomers clearly aren't happy with the beginning as they're not wanting to read on from the free sample chapters. So I'd really appreciate any feedback on what needs axing, or let me know which scene you stopped at if you didn't finish the sample. It's called Inn Retreat by TN Forest (using initials as it should appeal unisex, all chars being equally dysfunctional). Nb my health leaves a lot to be desired so if I take ages replying it doesn't mean I'm not greatful.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Inn-Retreat-stalkers-Backwoods-adventure-ebook/dp/B094HB8JM3/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2AR998YF6XHN1&keywords=inn+retreat&qid=1667755980&sprefix=inn+re%2Caps%2C82&sr=8-1

I'll give it a read when I've got a moment

Thanks Lazzard!

I felt it wasn't for me because it felt increasingly heavy and possibly depressing. The cover says "INN Retreat" and "much darker" and it begins with a Socrates quote. That's the point I gave up at. I prefer uplifting dark comedy , like Ricky Gervaise's "After Life". But that's just me, if the feedback you've had is people like it, I saw no reason to doubt that. It just looked niche to me. Also in the currently climate people might be looking for a more uplifting read ? But I'd be interested to hear Lazzard's take, and others. If it was me, I'd go for quantitive feedback, rather than detailed feedback , to understand why people are giving up quickly. Best of luck.

Just out of interest, do you get feedback from Amazon as to how many people have clicked on the free sample?
Because it might not necessarily be a case of people trying it and not liking it, but of people not even trying it at all, because they haven't landed on the page.
Having had a self-pub'd book on Amazon, I learnt that the biggest problenm is people just not finding your page.

Is it on Kindle Select so people signed up can read it for free? Although you've got some good customer reviews, which isn't bad.

All this has reminded me to check my own Amazon payments.
Thrilled to announce I made 9p last month.

Thanks so much for your advice Firkin -
"much darker" quote on cover removed; the book isn't dark, can't stand dark humour myself, it's more Tom Sharpe style humour, just wanted to get a pun on the cover. All quotes at beginning of chapters deleted; they were an afterthought and probably more of a distraction anyway. Uploaded update. If you could read on a tiny bit with your helpful advice I promise it's not dark & depressing, maybe the odd bit that can be axed.

Hi Lazzard,
Can't see anywhere that shows how many people have clicked on the free sample, but I sent it to about 20 people who give free reviews but no bites. So you're struggling to get your book noticed too - found yours and downloaded the sample to try.

Hi chipolata,
It was on Kindle Select for ages but not one read so recently gave up and used Draft2Digital to put it on other sites. Unfortunately most of the promotional sites need at least 10 reviews first. If anyone might have a go at reading it & possibly give a quick review, I can put it on for free for a bit on the other sites like Barnes & Noble, as Amazon won't let me put it on for free.

Quote: SomeoneorOther @ 7th November 2022, 4:59 PM

Hi Lazzard,
Can't see anywhere that shows how many people have clicked on the free sample, but I sent it to about 20 people who give free reviews but no bites. So you're struggling to get your book noticed too - found yours and downloaded the sample to try.

View original

Well, mine's been out for 6 years and I gave up promoting it about 5 years ago!
Not sure the free sample was even a thing then.
It seems that you have to pretty much commit your entire life to promotions, campaigns and so forth to have even a slight chance of decent sales.
People who make a buck out of it seem to be those who write endless series of easily digestible books - often as not fantasy or romance - for a pretty undiscerning market.
Sod that for a game of soldiers.
Very sweet of you to seek mine out, though - now I'll HAVE to read yours!

Quote: Lazzard @ 7th November 2022, 5:23 PM

People who make a buck out of it seem to be those who write endless series of easily digestible books - often as not fantasy or romance - for a pretty undiscerning market.

!

View original

I think there's a bit of snobbery here. A lot of what sells is pretty specific genres, true, but I don't think it hurts to be able to write that. You can hone your skills doing it, and it's no bad thing to learn how to write what an audience wants (lots of very talented writers start this way and are the better for it). Hopefully you can then move on to bigger and better things.

I agree - it's not just something I'm drawn to.
I know some people who do it, and it's a hell of a slog.

OK - had a read through.
I think your opening is a bit messy - all a bit frenetic.
The reader hardly gets a chance to settle down and get their bearings.
i wouldn't be at all surprised if you lost people in the first two or three pages.
Some of the exposition is a bit rushed.
(I think we find out he's been fired, gone to the doctors and then been recommended to see a shrink in one sentence - it's a lot to process)
Opening in the middle of the action is fine - but I think you pretty soon need to take a step back to scene-set a little.
Later on, it's better - more descriptive passages, less dialogue.
I also think you need top to take care with shifting POV's - that needs deft handling if you are to avoid more confusion.
Personally I would slow the pace down - or at least intersperse frenetic passages with more reflective ones - try to get some sort of rhythm going.
Give people a chance to empathise with your guy.

Thanks so much for taking the time to have a read and provide feedback Lassar, that's really good of you.

I think the problem is I've moved the first scene there, which was a later scene when you already know the character, to try to make the start more interesting and it clearly isn't working. Ho-hum. So either need to move it back or try to redo it.

I've read your free sample too, let me know if you'd like feedback on your one- as it was written a while ago you might not.

Hello SomeoneorOther,

Am I right in thinking this is a book for adults or, at least, not a book specifically aimed at young children? If so, I don't think your front cover is doing you any favours. To me, it looks very much like it's aimed at children of primary school age.

Also, I don't think you do yourself any favours by styling yourself TN Forest as I can't think of another comedy writer who's known by their initials plus surname. Using initials plus surname suggests a serious writer to me. I know there's a line at the top of the front cover telling us it's a comedy but the use of initials with your surname suggests you're a serious person who's having a go at comedy and is, therefore, probably not going to be very good at it.

Tony Forest, Timmy Forest, Tanya Forest or Teresa (frequently found in a) Forest would be better in my opinion.

Good luck, anyway.

Quote: alison blunderland @ 8th November 2022, 5:17 PM

Also, I don't think you do yourself any favours by styling yourself TN Forest as I can't think of another comedy writer who's known by their initials plus surname. Using initials plus surname suggests a serious writer to me.

View original

PG Wodehouse
GK Chesterton
PJ O'Rourke
SJ Perelman

Sorry!?