Teddy Paddalack
Sunday 18th September 2022 9:20am [Edited]
Everton
4,499 posts
DAILY MAIL OFFICE
A cub reporter knocks nervously on the Editors door.
EDITOR
Come
CUB
You wanted to see me sir
EDITOR
Yes, I'm thinking of spiking your double murder piece
CUB
Spiking it? It's the best story I've ever written, I was there in person! I saw it actually happen every word of it is fact sir!
EDITOR
There's your problem, you're letting the facts bog you down, they're getting in the way of your work
CUB
In what way?
EDITOR
It's the basics. How many times do I have to tell you that you always lead with the price of the property that the crime occurred in. Our reader love to know the house prices in the area and what they look like inside
CUB
I did mention the price in the story sir
EDITOR
Halfway down! It should always be included in the headline.
CUB
I don't follow
EDITOR
This was 4-million-pound property, you should have been all over Zoopla getting interior shots of what the place looked like.
CUB
How would that help the story?
EDITOR
It should be the f**king story that's my point. It had it all 'Bodies found laying on spacious parquetted floor hallway.' 'Open plan design of house could have left the victims being unable to hide'. 'The killer may have entered through the well-manicured garden' ' Did killer cross Mediterranean style patio' May have used mechanised awning to clamber up onto the 1st floor balcony which overlooks the Thames.
Then finish off with the classic 'Police insider claims they may conduct door to door inquiries at nearby council housing estate assisted by interpreters. It has it all, splendour, tragedy, success, envy and uncontrolled immigration
CUB
But I thought the property stuff we use was just for filling this story didn't need any
EDITOR
Filling? You listen to me son this the Daily F**king Mail and if you want to stay working for us you had better make sure you put the property price in the heading of every story you write
CUB
But the two people who were killed were both Nobel Prize winners
EDITOR
They should have just been passed off as 'Boffins'
CUB
They were even friends with Harry And Meghan, they've both tweeted out condolences
EDITOR
They'll do anything for sympathy those two
CUB
But that's big it has to be, bigger than just describing a property
EDITOR
Big my arse, now if those two knew the killer, which wouldn't be shock, that'd be BIG, we'd have given you at least a double page spread
CUB
Can I rectify it
EDITOR
If you tear it down and build it back up properly.
CUB
In what way
EDITOR
For a start get shut of the 'Royal Couple shocked by murder of newly wed cancer breakthrough scientists'
Go with 'Boffins slain in four-million-pound super pad, then lower case, couple may have been known to minor royals. The rest you can get off Zoopla
CUB
I'll get on it right away sir
EDITOR
And don't forget to mention that gypsies had been in the area recently
CUB
Had they?
EDITOR
They could have, it's not like they stay in one f**king place!