I looked at the comments I made earlier on TheKingLobotomy's gags and thought, "What the hell am I talking about? These are fine."
The writing-on-the-wall pun is overdone, but they used one just like it in the third episode anyway.
DMs Are Open Series One Rejections (May-June 2022) Page 2
Goldeneye (1995), "The writing's on the wall" gag.
Quote: don rushmore @ 13th June 2022, 1:25 PMGoldeneye (1995), "The writing's on the wall" gag.
This is not the same joke, as there is no writing on a wall. It's just someone saying "the writing is on the wall" which is a common turn of phrase. The joke is Q saying "along with the rest of him"
I will concede that faster minds could have very well thought of it before me, but the above is not an example of it. It just uses some of the same words.
Agreed, that's not the same joke, it just has the same idiomatic referent. It is admittedly kind of an old joke, but equally, a show like this thrives on trad. arr. material applied to recent events, so it was a reasonable submission.
Only saw this forum now. I feel l'm wrapping myself in bacon and jumping into a shark tank, but what the hell. Better to get feedback than nothing. Here's the one liners I submitted for the past few shows that weren't picked.
I tried to style them like what I've heard on the show before, and heard from Newsjack. Some are God awful cringey puns, but I've seen so many cringey puns included so it seems that's a style they like.
*Boris Johnson has called for the British public to return to the office, as onsite work makes workers more productive and energetic.
- He would say that. His idea of a work event is a garden rave, complete with DJ, beer, and literal suitcases of wine. You can sign me up, Boris.
*US Food Giant, "Wow Bao" have threatened legal action against small Darlington Food Stand "Bao Wow" for copyright infringement.
- They claim that the theft of their name makes them go Boo Hoo, and that their decision was *dog imitation* ruff, but fair.
*North Korea have finally admitted to having numerous ever cases of Covid 19. Citzens are now being forced to lock themselves away, and completely isolate from the outside world.
- So, just a normal day North Korea then.
*The Northern Ireland Assembly is unable to function as the DUP will not choose a speaker.
- Sein Fein has responded that if the DUP continue to refuse, they will have to use Bluetooth headphones instead.
*Billie Eilish was forced to stop a performance during a London gig, due to fans struggling with the heat.
- Apparently baggy jumpers and puffy coats are not suitable clothing for a rock concert. Who knew?
*Love Island has just released two bombshells to shake up the villa this.
- Normally one would condemn the shelling of non-military targets, but this time I think we can make an exception.
Quote: Ross McCarthy @ 19th June 2022, 7:34 PM*The Northern Ireland Assembly is unable to function as the DUP will not choose a speaker.
- Sein Fein has responded that if the DUP continue to refuse, they will have to use Bluetooth headphones instead.
.
That's your best one
Quote: Ross McCarthy @ 19th June 2022, 7:34 PM*US Food Giant, "Wow Bao" have threatened legal action against small Darlington Food Stand "Bao Wow" for copyright infringement.
- They claim that the theft of their name makes them go Boo Hoo, and that their decision was *dog imitation* ruff, but fair.
I feel like this one is trying to do two jokes at once so they both get lost, one that Bao Wow sounds like a dog noise and one about the Wow Bao/Bao Wow/Boo Hoo syllabics. I prefer the fun of the sounds, so I'd've gone with something like.
'US Food Giant, "Wow Bao" have threatened legal action against small Darlington Food Stand "Bao Wow", claiming that copyright infringement by Bao Wow make Wow Bao go boo hoo.'
I also like the select a speaker/bluetooth headphones one.
I like the Love Island one Ross!
Seemed like a funny old series. and couldn't really get the hang of what they wanted... Seeing as there's nothing more will ever happen with 'em figured I might dump mine here too. Tried to adapt to the style as it emerged, but without much joy:
The Queen's Platinum Jubilee Celebrations got underway with an event featuring Martin Clunes, Tom Cruise, and Alan Titchmarsh. Her Majesty was delighted to finally fulfil her dream of playing Celebrity Shag, Marry, Avoid.
Jake Daniels became the first British professional footballer to come out as gay in over 30 years. He was widely acclaimed for his brave decision to publicly admit he plays for Blackpool FC.
Middle-aged ravers marked the 40th birthday of The Hacienda, dancing in the underground carpark that's now replaced the legendary nightclub. Wide-eyed and sweaty fans claimed the music sounded better than ever, until it was explained that someone had just set off a car alarm.
Sports Illustrated published its annual Swimsuit Edition with cover stars including plus-sized model, Yumi Nu, and Elon Musk's 74-year-old mother. The move was hailed as a triumph for inclusivity, proving that however you look, you can still have men perving over you.
Images of the queen were projected onto Stonehenge as part of Jubilee celebrations. A spokesperson for Her Majesty said she hasn't been so close to a bunch of pointless lumps since she was last on Buckingham Palace balcony.
A 103-year-old Swedish woman became the oldest person to complete a parachute jump. Unfortunately by the time she landed, she couldn't remember what she'd gone up there for.
Elon Musk may withdraw his bid for Twitter because of the platform's problem with spammy bot accounts. A social media nuisance featuring unconvincing attempts to appear human, Musk is currently the world's richest man.
Apple is to end the curse of autocorrect errors in texts by adding an edit function for messages sent from iPhones. Users welcomed the move, saying it was "about ducking time".
A Google engineer claims that an AI bot he created may have developed actual human feelings. Google have suspended him, and brought in Priti Patel to replace the bot.
Justin Bieber has temporarily suspended his tour after being diagnosed with Ramsay Hunt Condition - one of the few illnesses to be named by cockney doctors.
New EU laws are being introduced to prevent misinformation on platforms like Facebook and Instagram. Hopefully they'll be able to stop my cousin posting about her #bliss family life while she's secretly shagging the Yodel driver.
Revlon filed for bankruptcy protection in the US, but said that claims the business was collapsing were without foundation. Or mascara. Or lip liner.
A 103-year-old Swedish woman became the oldest person to complete a parachute jump. Unfortunately by the time she landed, she couldn't remember what she'd gone up there for.
Very good.
Quote: Turmoil MD @ 24th June 2022, 11:05 AMJustin Bieber has temporarily suspended his tour after being diagnosed with Ramsay Hunt Condition - one of the few illnesses to be named by cockney doctors.
It's a good joke for a stand-up but might be a bit rude and/or a bit personal-attacky for Radio 4.
Also, his ailment is Ramsay Hunt syndrome (not 'condition') so that might have gone against it.
Also, the right name rolls off the tongue and is a easier on the ear than your wrong name.
Also, ' temporarily' serves no purpose and slows the joke down.
Also, I think it's funnier if the syndrome was named by one cockney doctor rather than several.
Also . . . no, I'm only joking. I've finished now.
All in all, I would have preferred "Justin Bieber has suspended his tour after being diagnosed with Ramsay Hunt syndrome - the only medical disorder ever to have been named by a Cockney doctor."
Quote: alison blunderland @ 24th June 2022, 2:00 PMIt's a good joke for a stand-up but might be a bit rude and/or a bit personal-attacky for Radio 4.
Also, his ailment is Ramsay Hunt syndrome (not 'condition') so that might have gone against it.
Also, the right name rolls off the tongue and is a easier on the ear than your wrong name.
Also, ' temporarily' serves no purpose and slows the joke down.
Also, I think it's funnier if the syndrome was named by one cockney doctor rather than several.
Also . . . no, I'm only joking. I've finished now.All in all, I would have preferred "Justin Bieber has suspended his tour after being diagnosed with Ramsay Hunt syndrome - the only medical disorder ever to have been named by a Cockney doctor."
Thanks for the comprehensive thoughts! Always struggle to keep word count down. Ironically, this time I put 'temporarily' in, because I did think making a joke about an illness might be a bit mean. From what I could tell it could be bad, but with treatment etc he should be fine and back on the road soon. I prefer 'one of the few' to 'the only one ever' as it implies there might be more, but the re-writes still an improvement...
Quote: Turmoil MD @ 24th June 2022, 11:05 AMJake Daniels became the first British professional footballer to come out as gay in over 30 years. He was widely acclaimed for his brave decision to publicly admit he plays for Blackpool FC.
I'll add that this would be a better joke if you cut the words "as gay".
Quote: Yacob Wingnut @ 24th June 2022, 3:33 PMI'll add that this would be a better joke if you cut the words "as gay".
I see what you mean, but I think it'd need to change a bit more - get rid of the 30 years as that doesn't work/seem relevant then. Would have to go to something like: Jake Daniels was widely acclaimed for his brave decision to come out. He's the first male footballer to publicly admit he plays for Blackpool FC
Better yet, don't stop at deleting 'as gay' but go to the end and hit the backspace all the way to the left hand margin...
Quote: Lazzard @ 24th June 2022, 12:22 PMA 103-year-old Swedish woman became the oldest person to complete a parachute jump. Unfortunately by the time she landed, she couldn't remember what she'd gone up there for.
Very good.
Agree, easily the best of the batch 
Quote: Turmoil MD @ 24th June 2022, 11:05 AMJake Daniels became the first British professional footballer to come out as gay in over 30 years. He was widely acclaimed for his brave decision to publicly admit he plays for Blackpool FC.
You obviously have a talent for this sort of stuff so don't be put off by people like me saying, 'Have a look at what you shudda wrote" . . . er . . . but here's what *I* wudda wrote.
"Professional football: Jake Daniels of Blackpool FC has come out as gay - the first player in 30 years to do so.
Jake said "I'm delighted at the reaction of the press and the public. The only embarrassing bit was my family and friends finding out I've been playing for Blackpool. I'd told them I had a Saturday job at Burger King."