Quote: Chappers @ 6th April 2022, 7:58 PM?
I love you dearly.
But - don't take offence - that post of yours is kind of a bit lengthy too.
Status report Page 6,126
Quote: Hercules Grytpype Thynne @ 6th April 2022, 12:08 PMAn old fart's privilege with "complications", so had my 4th Covid jab this morning.
Did a rapid lateral flow test last week, which proved negative, as did the one I did three weeks ago for a visit to the hospital - not that it was a requirement.
Arm aching this morning STOP Feeling a bit groggy STOP
I really really love the little mangolia tree
I especially love the mangolia's foliage
Under a mangolia tree is where I love to be
In my village which is full of lovely mangoliage.
Dear Diary
What I Did On Thursday 7 April 2022:
Stones or Clash? Clash or Stones? Stones or Clash? Now goodness me. What did I say my favourite band of all time was? I change it so often depending on how much my decision will rake in the elderly votes. Now they are becoming so fickle it is getting impossible to know how to manipulate them. Spoke with Grant. Said "yeah I know, the £3bn HS2 branch will be scrapped but just don't go public with it yet as the last thing I want to be seen to be is someone who bends in the wind and is bloody useless". Anyhow, I next made sure that the £2m I have received for my Labour Party of Ukraine from dubious Russians is still firmly in the coffers. I can't allow that to be scrutinised.
Rang my old pal Yulia Skripal via her close historical associates in the US Embassy. Assured her that she can have anything she wants as long as she keeps totally quiet about what I am getting up to at Porton Down. She and I agreed that it was just a bit of good luck that the Ruskies decided to withdraw from Kiev and especially to stay away from Odessa as God knows what would have happened if my biological and chemical stuff had been bombed there. Signed off while under heavy cannabis based sedation an instruction for NHS taxpayers to pay money into the global marijuana industry. That is, with the aim of doping 15 million people up to the eyeballs for the good of their health. Lied that I had ever said this week that there would be seven new nuclear power stations and insisted that I had always said there would be eight.
Watched the Ukrainian entry for the Eurovision Song Contest in Israel. It is obviously going to get the highest number of points of all time, totally irrespective of what it claims to be in its music. But as I said in a brief one minute call I was allowed to my great President Zelinskiy, what a smart move. To make it sound not Ukrainian in the slightest and so.....well.......damned Israeli. That will usefully confirm Ukraine as the liberal leaders of the free world while driving a coach and horses through Israel's attempts with Russia to diplomatically negotiate any peace.
Read that Black Lives Matter had bought a mansion "from a developer friend" for billions of pounds and then sold it on just six days later in a way "that raises serious questions". Perhaps I should get them in and see if they are people I can do more business with. Maybe do some sort of donation deal in which I replace all of those fuddy duddy and offensive statues of Winston Churchill with ones of Malcolm X. Spoke with lovely Nicola and asked her to consider extending rewilding in her independent country of Scotland to two thirds of the entire land mass. So what that it will mean more people in the suburbs of Inverness being mauled to death by bears in their gardens. On the other hand what it would do in a great way is to turn most of the place into the hands of the private sector. They can fence it all up and keep all the plebs on what are claimed to be footpaths well and truly out. And about time too.
Rang the airlines, the banks, the building societies and every other huge profit making major business I could think of to congratulate them on their efficiency drive. Services nicely pared down by having most people pretending to work from home. I especially encouraged every one of them to keep the twerps who persist on using a phone rather than the internet as I demand waiting for a half-hearted reply for two hours plus.
Put on my serious look. Put on my amusing look. Put on my dismissive look. Put on my "I'm trendy" look. All inside 15 seconds. Ratcheted up military spending to stratospheric levels while simultaneously pooh poohing all of the so-called turning away of ambulances by A and E. Completely overstated the risk of ash dieback to the public, knowing that there were only 10 injuries from it in 2020-21, but it's a great ruse I feel for further prohibiting public freedoms and for letting houses to be built willy-nilly across woodland.
Checked to make sure that the number of traffic police was continuing to dramatically fall. Announced that Ukraine should be automatically given entry to the World Cup so as to alienate the entire populations of Scotland and Wales whose teams could qualify instead of them. And held a party to celebrate the fact that I have so psychologically Guantanamoed people's minds that no one ever believes they have flu or a cold anymore. Its now a simple polarised and unalterable fact of life - you either - oh my God - have Covid or if you claim it is anything else - no you have it wrong - you are in fact perfectly well. Like I am myself.
So, yeah, just another regular day really.
Still here in the asylum waiting for the opinion polls.
Whoops. Did I say opinion polls? I meant my test results.
Strange. No sign of the Queen yet. I ordered her to get round to here pronto for the weekly briefing the stupid old fool insists on - or else there would be big trouble.
She's late already.
It's the Stones. No, it's the Clash. No, you fool, it's the Stones.
Look.
Don't argue with me even though you are me.
I know exactly what I am talking about.
We the Conservative Party - Your Government.
Just finished brewing 10 gallons of my Timothy Taylor Landlord clone. Now comes the worst part: cleanup.
I really, really love the huseynuckle flowers
Beside huseynuckle flowers is where I spend my hours
People like me have hundreds of lovely flowers of the huseynuckle
But sadly people who are not very much like me generally have f**k all.
Someone on the street had the cheek to say to me today "you are all wrong mate".
No I'm not.
I'm precisely what everyone should be aspiring to in this world gone mad to get their lives more real and back on track.
I wrote a poem for Easter today.
It's called Crucifixion.
Hope you like it.
I got tattoos
We all get tattoos now
We all get everything these days
Can I get a burger with fries to go
I got them on my penis and my balls
The one on my penis is a tattoo of my penis
The one on my balls is a tattoo of my balls
Don't know what I was thinking of really but anyhow I did it
I went for the peppermint ink
It smells nice like toothpaste
I didn't think you could get it but they said you could get it so I got it
Which is good as I don't have to wash below my belly button no more.
Quote: A Horseradish @ 17th April 2022, 11:44 PMI wrote a poem for Easter today.
It's called Crucifixion.
Hope you like it.
I got tattoos
We all get tattoos now
We all get everything these days
Can I get a burger with fries to goI got them on my penis and my balls
The one on my penis is a tattoo of my penis
The one on my balls is a tattoo of my balls
Don't know what I was thinking of really but anyhow I did itI went for the peppermint ink
It smells nice like toothpaste
I didn't think you could get it but they said you could get it so I got it
Which is good as I don't have to wash below my belly button no more.
That was lovely, A Horseradish! It's refreshing to see that you still remember the true meaning of Easter.
You should send that poem to the Archbishop of Canterbury - I'm sure he'd be delighted!
Thank you for your kind comments a plate.
And yes.
I will see if I can find Justin Wellbeing's address in my Rwandan telephone directory.
Saw a new grave today with a video tablet embedded into the marble headstone with a film of the person's life on a loop.
Bloomin' heck. Dunno what to say about that, as I've always found the ones with photographs of the dead person on the headstone a bit creepy.
I thought 'this person I'm watching full of life is 6ft under my feet, stone dead.
Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 18th April 2022, 3:08 PMSaw a new grave today with a video tablet embedded into the marble headstone with a film of the person's life on a loop.
That doesn't seem like a very future-proof solution. Better to carve a QR code on the headstone that will take the visitor to whatever content the departed chose. It would allow for technical updates, etc.
Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 18th April 2022, 3:08 PMSaw a new grave today with a video tablet embedded into the marble headstone with a film of the person's life on a loop.
I'm sure the relatives mean well but they are totally clueless. We don't look at dead people. They look at us. They all pass over to the sunshine where their eyes can see us but what with being gloomy and all about their deaths the sun doesn't shine very often. They are, though, all very keen on Greta Thunberg as they believe that with global warming they might be too dominant over living people. And actually that is not what they want to be.