A Horseradish
Wednesday 23rd March 2022 1:17pm [Edited]
8,475 posts
Just as the story about the sheep counting woman was true, this is also a true story as odd things always happen to me. I was wantings to go to the all night garage at 3am so I rings for a taxi. I tell them not to drive into my road as it is a cul de sacs and people at the end don't like car headlights shining through their bedroom windows. "I will walks up to the corner of the road and get in the vehicle there instead" I says. I'm standings there on that corner for half an hour and nothing arrives so I decides to give up and go home. But just as I do a car flies past me and round the corner into my roads. Great I think. Not only is it half an hour late but my instruction about shining headlights has been ignored.
On taking a few steps round the corner, I notice it has been parked half way down my road on the other side. It has its headlights offs. So either it is my taxi driver who has got everything wrong apart from the message that the lights must not be shone into people's windows or more likely it is someone going into another house. I waits for a long time for someone to get out but no one does. So then I thinks it must be my taxis after all. I start walking towards the vehicle and just as I get close to its rear the drivers door opens and this big African woman gets out.
She sees me and lets out the most god almighty shriek. It really shook me but not as much as her fury immediately after it. She's shoutings "you scared me. Who the hell are you?" I thought she was goings to wake all the neighbours. So I'm sayings I am terribly sorry but I thoughts you were my taxi driver. She says - still shouting wildly and not in very good English - "I Am taxi, I AM taxi. You scared me." So I says to her it might be best if we just cancels it. She bellows "NO. You get in NOW". I says to her "I don't think so" and she bellows "GET IN". So I have tos.
Once in , she says "Where you go?" I says "I told the office that but I can say it again" which I do. She says "don't know it - I need to ring office". Then she takes five minutes trying to find the right buttons on her speaker phone before shouting at them in Swahili or Urdu. They in turn are shouting back at her in the same language. it is clears to me that none of thems knows what they are doing. Once she finishes she says "I still don't know" and I says "looks I am getting out". She bellows "NO, NO, I ring again". The door was locked. It was likes some nightmare.
Suddenly another car comes round the corner into the cul-de-sacs which is very rare at that time. It goes past my house and this African woman's car and stops right at the end of the road with the full glare of its headlights going into the bedrooms. I see this as my opportunity to escape. "Looks" I says to her. "You have to let me out as that is my taxis. There has obviously been some terrible mistake." I'm also thinking I know damned wells that is not my taxis as it is 45 minutes late, it is not on the corner and its lights are shining but what the hell.
She does let me go but then she also gets out of the car. As I am opening her doors to get out, I'm thinkings this could be very difficult as I can't just run back down the road into my home. I have to walk over to the driver of the other vehicles to make it look like he is a taxi driver and his vehicle is a taxi which I am about to get into although I can't. Somehow not only am I am goings to have to walk over to his door but also say something, though I couldn't immediately think of anything, without him shrieking and shouting furiously at me. Worse, I am goings to have to keep the conversation lasting for a long times as only then is there the chance for her to drives out believing I have got into that vehicles as a taxi.
Anyways, I walk over and the driver winds down his window. I says to hims "this is a bit difficult - see that big furious looking African woman over there - I was first in her car as I thought that was a taxi I had called for but now I think maybe it was and maybe it wasn't but I don't want to do that journey with her anyways"........I'm looking furtively behind me to see if she seems like she is about to drive out yet and she is still standing there glaring........"and while I know you yourselfs are not a taxi and never was going to be my taxis, I have to make it seem to hers that you are until she goes away so can we just keep talkings please for as long as it takes". And he goes "well if your name is Mr Horseradish this is your taxi".
So I's wave to her all friendly like and gets in his.
Then we drives out.