F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for winking. PM myself with a subject for next wank pleased, but you cun't. Meanwhilst...
Gappy - 4
Teddy, me - 1
Next natterjerk: Censorship
Leg closed: 4.3.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 4 Gappy
2 3 Teddy
3 2 Otterfox
4 1 Firkin, Thief of Bad Gags, me
I SWEAR
OFFICE.
SECRETARY and APPLICANT.
SECRETARY Good morning, Sir, and best of luck with your job application. Your name is..?
APPLICANT Jack Shit.
SECRETARY There's no need to...
APPLICANT But you can call me Mr Shit.
SECRETARY Ah, I see. And how old are you, Mr... Shit?
APPLICANT Sixty-nine.
SECRETARY We've only just... Good. And are you married, Jack?
APPLICANT Fanny Adams.
SECRETARY You're single?
APPLICANT Fanny f**king...
SECRETARY (writing) Mrs Adams... And what is your current address, Mr Shit?
APPLICANT Friar's Entry, 0898 Bell End, Cockermouth, Fingrinhoe.
SECRETARY Lovely... And do you have any hobbies, Shit?
APPLICANT F**k all.
SECRETARY (writing) A full and active sex life...
APPLICANT F**k that shit.
SECRETARY Including anal.
APPLICANT Bloody Nora.
SECRETARY And fantasies about 'Last Of The Summer Wine' stars on their periods... And what kind of employment are you seeking, Jack?
APPLICANT Wankers.
SECRETARY Teaching teenagers?
APPLICANT Poofs.
SECRETARY Theatre work?
APPLICANT Total f**king c**ts.
SECRETARY Ah, lawyer... Well, thank you, Mr Shit.
APPLICANT Whore.
SECRETARY She's next... Goodbye now.
(He leaves)
SECRETARY (smiles) Silly little c**t.
1: Shall I tell you the people I don't much like?
2: Who?
1: Nazis.
3: Oh, yeah, I'm not a fan of those Nazis.
2: Not well disposed towards them myself.
1: Yeah, but I don't mean the original Nazis, I mean the ones they have now.
2: Neo-Nazis?
1: Yes.
3: Not Nazis Classic.
1: That's right.
2: What's wrong with them, then?
3: Apart from what's wrong with all the other ones.
1: It's this. They go, these neo-Nazis, they go, "Oh, hello, we're Nazis, we subscribe to the Nazi ethos, we support and propagate the Nazi creed", right, which is fine.
3: It's not fine.
1: Alright, not to us, because we're not Nazis, but they are, so it is, right?
2: Yes, for the sake of argument - but don't quote me out of context again, it took loads of explaining last time.
3: Yeah. He knew a woodchuck couldn't chuck wood. You phrased the question in a tricksy way.
1: Sorry about that. But, if we agree neo-Nazis like Nazism then why do they always start denying the Holocaust? You try to bring it up, and they censor you. I mean, first up, the Holocaust definitely happened.
2: You'd think a Nazi would know that.
3: No matter how neo- they were. It's like, how crazy can crazy paving get, but still be recognisably paving?
2: Or how Wacky can the Wacky Warehouse be, but still function as a warehouse?
3: It's not a warehouse, it's like an indoor adventure playground.
2: OK, so we've at least set one parameter.
1: No, what are you talking about? Let's stick to the Holocaust -denying Nazis. So my opinion is, if you are a Nazi...isn't the Holocaust the best bit?
3: It's certainly the most active embodiment of the fascist philosophy, I'll grant you.
2: And today's Nazis deny it, do they?
1: Yes. Even though it's the Nazi-est thing the Nazis did.
2: That's really weird. It'd would be like admiring Martin Scorsese, but denying he made Goodfellas.
1: It's like loving The Great British Bake-Off, but refusing to accept the existence of yeast.
3: It's like supporting Man Utd, when you'd never even stepped within the municipal boundaries of the city of Manc- no, bad example.
1: But the other two were valid.
2: Which sort of made the third one seem funnier. I'll have to remember that technique.
1: Might come in handy for our chats, yeah. But, anyway, that's my point: Holocaust-censoring Nazis, weird.
3: I've got a theory. I think they're like cool music fans. The ones who like a band but sneer at their biggest hit.
2: Oh, I know the sort [ADOPTS SLIGHTLY GEEKY VOICE] What sort of music do you like? [OTHER VOICE] Gary Numan [VOICE 1] Me too. What's your favourite song? [VOICE 2] Probably "Cars". [VOICE 1] Oh, yes, that is the populist choice. I don't like it. It's not indicative of Numan's output, because what "Cars" is is a simplistic synthetic motif over metronomic drums, coupled with nasally-delivered dystopian doggerel, whereas the majority of Numan's output is...well, I hate "Cars".
3: Oh, God, I know someone who talks just like that.
1: It's me. I said that. And I don't like "Cars". It's Numan's biggest hit, but it's probably the only song Numan wrote that I don't like.
3: What are the chances, eh?
2: "Cars" is great.
1: It's not! As a proper fan, I like the ones where he was sort of like a shit Nine Inch Nails.
2: That's all the others!
1: Only for the past 30 years. Maybe 35.
3: You're trying too hard, mate.
1: I'm not, I'm just more discerning that you.
3: What, because you base your opinions on what other people like rather than the actual evidence?
1: Yes! I mean, no! Also, whilst we're at it, going back to last week's discussion, Tin Machine is better than "Space Oddity", Thomas The Tank Engine trumps Sergeant Pepper, and a fat bearded man disconsolately weeping into a narcotic-strewn sandpit for a decade beats six shades of shit out of Pet Sounds.
2: [PAUSE] Ooh, you did the three examples thing.
3: Definitely works.
1: Can't deny it.
***
PS the PM system is down, shall I announce the theme for the next round when I cast my vote, Michael?
Quote: gappy @ 3rd March 2022, 6:51 PM3: It's like supporting Man Utd, when you'd never even stepped within the municipal boundaries of the city of Manc- no, bad example.
1: But the other two were valid.
2: Which sort of made the third one seem funnier. I'll have to remember that technique.
Really liked this bit! All hail Gappy!
.
The Kipper's took a while but it was worth it. Going Gappy though.
My fish likes sleeping. Must be a kipper.
My fish likes balancing on a stool. Must be a perch.
My fish likes One Direction. Must be a total c**t.
Quote: gappy @ 3rd March 2022, 6:51 PMe PM system is down, shall I announce the theme for the next round when I cast my vote, Michael?
Yes we can.
I'm voting for Michael, but also want to celebrate the Kipper audacity, I didn't even realise what was happening until the second time I looked.
My theme for next time is drugs, man.
Quote: gappy @ 5th March 2022, 9:28 AMwant to celebrate the Kipper audacity, I didn't even realise what was happening until the second time I looked.
Sec**ted.
I must be pretty awesome to top such an infinite multitide of entries. Feeling proud.