Good Dave. You have had some great advice given too.
How come you never offered me a part. Do I smell?
A short play wot I wrote. Page 2
Dave I'm a big fan normally but this didn't go the way I thought it would! It does seem to get lost after the asides. I thought you were going to twist it so you ended up with the bloke doing asides to her and her bits to the audience so he ends up actually telling her what he thinks.
Still I've never had a play performed on stage so you have my permission to kick to touch mate. 
Quote: DIKTURNIP @ March 21, 2008, 9:53 PMSurely "Only in the wrong places" should be an aside. No? A good sketch, but it's a shame it didn't have a stronger ending to ensure rapturous applause.
No - that was supposed to be her being pointed. He is the one who speaks in asides until she does at the end.
Quote: roscoff @ March 21, 2008, 11:14 PMDave I'm a big fan normally but this didn't go the way I thought it would! It does seem to get lost after the asides. I thought you were going to twist it so you ended up with the bloke doing asides to her and her bits to the audience so he ends up actually telling her what he thinks.
I dunno. I think that would be too confusing. I'll get it rehearsed and see how it looks.
Quote: roscoff @ March 21, 2008, 11:14 PMStill I've never had a play performed on stage so you have my permission to kick to touch mate.
Neither have I yet.
Quote: Charley @ March 21, 2008, 10:55 PMHow come you never offered me a part. Do I smell?
Yes - but that's not the reason.
I tell you what is good Dave is that you seem to have complete control over this little production of yours which is unusual and most excellent!
How about something along these lines?
WOMAN : Be patient. You'll see tomorrow when we go there for dinner.
MAN : So is it something interesting? Or something practical?
WOMAN : Both
MAN : (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) Both? (SARCASTICALLY) I can't wait. (TO WIFE - CHEERILY) I can't wait! (HE GOES TO GIVE HER A KISS) Happy Christmas darling.(SHE KISSES HIM BACK)
WOMAN : (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) They've gotten him an idiots guide to better sex. At least one of us will get something we want this Christmas! (TO HUSBAND) And a happy Christmas to you my love!
CLOSE
Quote: wayne lewis @ March 22, 2008, 11:28 AMHow about something along these lines?
WOMAN : Be patient. You'll see tomorrow when we go there for dinner.
MAN : So is it something interesting? Or something practical?
WOMAN : Both
MAN : (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) Both? (SARCASTICALLY) I can't wait. (TO WIFE - CHEERILY) I can't wait! (HE GOES TO GIVE HER A KISS) Happy Christmas darling.(SHE KISSES HIM BACK)
WOMAN : (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) They've gotten him an idiots guide to better sex. At least one of us will get something we want this Christmas! (TO HUSBAND) And a happy Christmas to you my love!
CLOSE
Yes - maybe. Do I have to credit you?
Nah. Unless you wanted too. Good luck with it.
I liked it Chavid, especially the 'Of what? What not to buy me?' line, but I think you missed some joke opportunities. First would be the man mixing up his lines and saying to his wife what he was meant to say to the audience. Also you could end it by having it revealed that the woman's parents had bought the man a feminine watch. Then her ending it by her saying something like 'well if you don't want it i'll have it.' It could be engraved with her initials and obviously meant for her and she tries to think of what the initials could stand for when he asks.
I've had to rewrite this as a monologue due to casting difficulties.
Bloody pro actors cancelling for paid work!
THE PRESENT (Monologue)
Scene - a living room. A woman on Christmas Day.
What do you think of it? (she does a semi-twirl) He bought me this Dress for Christmas (she holds out her wrist) and this bracelet. It's lovely isn't it.
Still he didn't get me the watch I wanted. He said he didn't have the time.
Ha bloody ha!
He said he didn't know which watch.
"Didn't I spend enough on the dress - and the bracelet?" he said. I mean - you can't put a price on a relationship can you?
BEAT
"So I'm not worth it then" I complained.
"I'm not saying you're not worth it..." he replied. "You're twisting things - as usual."
He - accusing me of twisting things! I know what I'd like to twist.
It's not as though I didn't spend a lot on him. I gave him loads of things.
Then he said "Can you really afford to buy all that?"
Christmas only comes once a year after all. Mean old scrooge.
And then I could tell he didn't really like his presents. I asked him what was wrong? He said nothing - but there were other things he really wanted. How ungrateful.
"Was it on my list?" he said. "No" I said. "Well why did you ask me to write one then?"
"It gave me some ideas" I replied. "Of what? What not to buy me" he said. "I won't bother next time" I replied. "Well don't then if you're going to buy me something I don't really want".
"You're the one who complained about your present" I said. "So did you" he replied. "I didn't complain about what you bought me." "No - you complained about what I DIDN'T buy you."
SHE WALKS ACROSS THE STAGE AND SITS DOWN WITH A GLASS OF WINE.
I said to him - "I didn't write a list". "You didn't have to" he answered. "You've been banging on about what you wanted for ages."
BEAT
SHE HOLDS HER WRIST WHERE HER OLD WATCH IS.
Still - I really wanted that watch.
And then he said "I'm surprised you didn't buy me a watch that was slightly feminine and then if I don't wear it you could borrow it". I mean - what does he take me for.
He's upstairs getting ready now. We're going to my parents for dinner. Roast turkey and all the trimmings. Whatever they are.
I bet he doesn't wear that lovely shirt I bought him. You should've seen the look on his face when he opened it. He could at least've pretended to look pleased. I said if I'd bought you something off your list it wouldn't be a surprise would it. What's the point of writing a list and getting everything on it. You may as well buy it for yourself.
But I wanted to buy him something personal. Something that I'd given some thought about
If I'd bought him something off his list it wouldn't be a surprise would it.He obviously doesn't like surprises.
I suppose I should know that by now. We've been married twenty five years.
He complained about the shirts I bought him for his birthday too. Rugby style shirts they were.
Well he never wore them. He said they were the wrong size. "They're medium" he said "You know I'm large."
"Only in the wrong places" I replied.
"I'm never going to fit into them am I" he complained.
"Well maybe you should go on a diet then". That didn't go down well. And then he complained about the colours. One of them was pink I know - but he always wears blues and dark colours. I wanted to make him to appear a little bit more trendy - even though he's obviously not. So I ended up wearing them. He accused me of doing that on purpose too.
He said "It's alright for you. You can wear men's casual clothes. If I bought you a dress you didn't like, I could hardly wear it could I?"
"Ooh I don't know." I answered "Nothing would surprise me about you".
SHE GETS UP AGAIN AND WALKS ACROSS THE STAGE TO LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW.
Another non-white Christmas - as usual. I really can't remember the last one. Still - at least we'll get to my parents without any trouble. He always says I hope we have a white Christmas this year. Not because he's romantic or nostalgic or anything. It just means we wouldn't be able to get to my parents house.
I wonder if he'll actually make the effort of wearing any of the presents I bought him. I'm not asking much. It would just be nice for once. Not that he's getting middle-aged and boring. Well actually he IS middle-aged and boring.
Although at the same time he can be incredibly childish.
I said to him "Surprise me." He went "Boo!"
I dunno. Men.
Christmas used to be so much fun when the kids were young. Now Jamie's working in the States and Abigail has gone to her in-laws. Well it's only fair to take it in turns. We're going to hers tomorrow.
He even complained about that though. Going out for dinner Christmas Day AND Boxing Day. "There won't be any left-overs" he complained. "I like left-overs". He doesn't think about me having to slave over a hot oven for hours. And even when we have "entertained" on Christmas Day he won't do the traditional carving. My dad always did it. He wouldn't know one end of a carving knife from another. Or one end of a turkey from the other. I'd hate to think what he'd stuff if it was down to him.
So anyway - he said what have your parents bought me? Undoubtedly something I don't want. Maybe not but it's definitely something you need.
He said is it something interesting or practical. Both I said.
"What is it? Some kind of sex-guide" he asked sarcastically. As if my parents would get him something like that.
SHE TAKES A DRINK
That's what my sister's got him.
MALE VOICE FROM OFF STAGE
Are you ready yet?
Me ready? I've been waiting for him.
CALLS OUT
Whenever you are darling.
Roll on the sales.
CLOSE