British Comedy Guide

Sitcom Treatment - 'Digs'

Does anyone ever post their treatments on here? Well, here's mine anyway for what it's worth:

DIGS, by Stuart Richards

This is Digs; a pre-watershed situation comedy set in a modern day student halls of residence, where Phil & Fern are your new mum and dad and apathy and indifference are the new social revolt.

Welcome to Kevin Sutcliffe’s world, where students are urged to ‘be the change they want to see’; they are the country’s intellectual lifeblood, its future law-makers, teachers and doctors. Well, that’s the idea isn’t it?

Trouble is, Kev’s not entirely sure why he’s at university at all; thrown into the social melting pot (well, from lower to upper middle class) that is the Mahatma Gandhi Halls of Residence and left to fend for himself for the very first time, he’d be utterly lost in this academic wilderness....if he could be arsed.

Kev doesn’t really regard himself as an intellectual, you see. He’ll tell you he could be - if he wanted to be – but it’s not really his style (he’s clever enough, it’s just that books are for southerners). Oh yes, and he is northern, lest anyone forget; he enjoys his football, a nice pint, and the company of regular, down-to-earth folk like himself who know how to enjoy themselves. Surely not too scarce a commodity at the supposed, nay promised, den of iniquity that is higher education?

Meet Kev’s new friends: first up there’s Gabrielle, the sizzlingly attractive French nymphomaniac whose incessant gripes about all things English are sure to grate on any proud Englishman; then lovable rogue Dave, the patriotic, football-mad cockney with a less than laudable attitude towards members of the opposite sex (and their uses); feminist and peace-crusader Tash, with a shrew-like temper defiant of her diminutive frame, who loves nothing more than to make her views heard (but secretly yearns to be tamed by a tall, dark, intellectual figure wrought with mystery, sensitivity and culture); and finally, Ryan, the tall, dark, intellectual figure wrought with mystery, sensitivity and culture - with his array of rubbish southern trousers, rubbish southern cardigans and a really, really rubbish, southern hairdo (not to mention a love of all things grunge) it is safe to say that Ryan isn’t Kev’s closest ally in the group.

Oh and then there’s Puj; thank Brum for Puj. Puj just…well…gets Kev. She is everything he had hoped to find in a friend at uni; smart but lazy, easy-going, and (nearly) on his comedic level (and she even likes the Lighthouse Family). Good job he hasn’t yet noticed she’s kind of cute-looking - but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

DIGS’ principle ‘action’ takes place in the communal living space, occasionally straying to Kev’s room, the reception area (prudently guarded by hysterical, Nigerian receptionist Colin) and on to the Student Union bar (kept by ‘liberal’ barmaid Lucy and propped up by incongruous sexagenarian Mr Fish). The show combines the warmth and assortment of characters and relationships of a 'Friends' with that most subtly British of realities, the beauty of the mundane, encountered previously in shows such as 'The Royle Family' and 'The Office'. Its humour contains a distinctly (but not overly) northern flavour to it; for once the viewer will be confronted with a look at the South of the country and its people from an outsider’s perspective.

The show seeks to explore the extraordinary bonds that form between young people from different backgrounds all tied to the underlying, inescapable reality of studentdom: nobody really knows why they are at university, how they got there and what they are meant to be doing there. Whilst an obvious, immediate appeal exists to students past and present, the show’s wider, more mainstream charm lies in its core aspect of human relationships, relationships strengthened if only because there’s bugger-all else to do.

Thoughts, anyone?

Looks interesting but difficult to assess from this. Why not put one of the scenes on for us to look at? Maybe the opening one or one with several of the characters conversing.

Well I'd watch it. Well-written, succinct without being uninformative, and (for me anyway) makes the show sound intriguing. :)

Yeah post a scene up (to long I wont be bothered to read it)... is it me or am I seeing a lot of situational sitcoms set in a university at the moment?

And why hasn't anything like it been commissioned yet?

Oaky doak thank you, scene coming very shortly.

Incidentally, where have you seen other uni sitcoms? On here? I haven't heard of any, but then I am probably not as well-informed.

Sounds promising, and a well written treatment.

SCENE 4. INT. KITCHEN

DAVE AND TASH ARE ARGUING, RYAN IS READING THE PAPER.

DAVE
Of course they have.

TASH
No way. She’s far too good for him.

DAVE
Too good for him? He’s layered darlin’, he’s got the lot in his locker – kid’s TV, the West End, Morning’ telly – there ain’t nothin’ that boy can’t do, he’s a born entertainer, a seasoned campaigner –he can have anyone he wants.

TASH
She’s a figurehead for femininity. Young girls everywhere look up to her.

SHOT LOOKS OVER TASH’S SHOULDER – WE SEE A PICTURE OF FERN BRITTON AND PHIL SCHOFIELD IN A MAGAZINE.

DAVE
They look up at her cos she’s bearin’ down on ‘em to steal their lunch.

KEV AND PUJ ENTER.

DAVE
And besides, Schofield’s got a techni-coloured dream-coat. They’ve blatantly been at it - you can put one up anyone with a techni-coloured dream-coat. Especially fat birds.

TASH IS APPALLED

KEV
Yeah and they always try harder.

KEV REACHES OUT TO SHAKE THEIR HANDS AND INTRODUCE HIMSELF.

KEV
Y’alreet folks. Nice to meet you; I’m Kev, this is Puj.

PUJ GOES TO SHAKE THEIR HANDS.

DAVE
Alright geeza how you doin’? Hello darlin’, my name’s Dave.

TASH
Tash.

DAVE LOOKS OVER AT RYAN, WHO APPEARS OVER THE TOP OF HIS PAPER AND LIFTS HIS EYEBROWS TO ACKNOWLEDGE KEV’S PRESENCE.

TASH
Do you two know each other then?

PUJ
Kev’s my brother.

DAVE LOOKS AT KEV & THEN AT PUJ – HE IS CONFUSED.

KEV AND PUJ SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE.

MARISSA (O.O.V.)
(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING) Pick it up! Pick it up!

MARISSA ENTERS. SHE IS VERY, VERY SMALL, WITH SHORT BLONDE/GREY HAIR, GLASSES, AND IS WEARING A PINNY. SHE IS SMILING AND LOOKING LIKE BUTTER WOULDN’T MELT. SHE IS CARRYING A PIECE OF PIECE OF PAPER AND SELLOTAPE.

MARISSA
Hello my darlings. I am the Marissa, welcome to your student digs; I think you will like here. There are only two small rules you must listen.

SHE ATTACHES THE PAPER TO THE WALL WITH SELLOTAPE (WHICH SHE THEN PLACES ON THE TABLE) AND TAKES OUT A PEN TO BEGIN WRITING.

MARISSA
The first rule of Gandhi Halls is…

KEV
You do not talk about Gandhi Halls.

MARISSA
(SMILING BUT ANNOYED) Sorry Darling?

KEV SHAKES HEAD.

MARISSA (WRITING)
The first rule of Gandhi Halls is you must always do what the Marissa tells you. The second rule, darlings, is that you must always have fun and be nice to each other. Do as Marissa says, and have fun, that is all.

GABRIELLE WALKS IN WITH A CIGARETTE IN HER MOUTH AND A PLATE OF FOOD –MARISSA TAKES THE CIGARETTE OUT OF HER MOUTH AND STUBS IT OUT IN HER FOOD. GABRIELLE IS STUNNED, LOOKS AT MARISSA THEN JUST WALKS BACK TO KITCHEN.

MARISSA
And you must not smoke. Do as Marissa says, have fun, and do not smoke. Three small rules. (SMILES). IF you have problems you must speak to me or the Colin in reception. Any questions?

NO RESPONSE

MARISSA
Vunderful. Ok darlings have a marvellous time.

MARISSA LEAVES, GRINNING. WE CANNOT TELL IF SHE IS GENUINE OR SLIGHTLY EVIL.

WE SEE DAVE, WHO HAS CUT OUT PICTURES OF PHIL AND FERN AND SELLOTAPED THEM TO THE BACK OF HIS HANDS; HE IS USING HIS FINGERS AS THEIR LEGS.

DAVE
Nutter.

KEV LOOKS AT DAVE, INCREDULOUSLY.

DAVE
(DIALOGUE BETWEEN FERN & PHIL – BOTH SPEAK IN COCKNEY ACCENTS)
(AS PHIL) Alright treacle, fancy a bit of cake?

(AS FERN) Oi Schofield you tart, you fancy puttin’ your ‘and in my gopher do yer? (OPENS HER LEGS). Go fer it sweetheart!

DAVE LOOKS AT KEV & PUJ FOR A RESPONSE

DAVE
Haha Gopher it!! Get in.

GABRIELLE RE-ENTERS WITH A JAR IN HER HAND.

GABRIELLE
Which one of you big strong boys is going to open this jar for me?

KEV
Gi’ it ‘ere.

RYAN
I’ll do it.

KEV IS SILENT BUT BECKONS GABRIELLE TO GIVE HIM THE JAR, HOWEVER RYAN TAKES IT AS HE IS NEARER TO HER.

KEV
I said I’ll do it fella.

RYAN
No, it’s fine, really, I can do it.

KEV
But I said I’ll do it.

SENSING THE OBVIOUS TENSION THE OTHERS ARE GLUED TO THE SCENARIO. DAVE GRABS BIG BAG OF CRISPS FROM TABLE, PUTS HIS FEET UP, AND STARES, INTRIGUED AND CONCENTRATING, WHILST EATING THE CRISPS (WITH PHIL AND FERN STILL ATTACHED TO HIS HANDS).

CAMERA SHOWS FRONT ON VIEW OF THE OTHERS – SAT IN A ROW AS IF AN AUDIENCE AT A SPORTING EVENT – THEIR EYES, IN UNISON, FLICK FROM ONE SIDE TO THE OTHER, AS IF WATCHING A TENNIS GAME.

RYAN:
No, it’s fine Ken, seriously, I’ll do it.

KEV(PRETENDING NOT TO BE ANNOYED)
Eeyah feller…stop playin’ silly buggers.

RYAN:
Voila

GABRIELLE (SMILING SWEETLY)
Oh merci monsieur.

RYAN
De rien mademoiselle.

KEV (ANNOYED & JEALOUS)
Tit.

RYAN
Excuse me?

KEV
Look at you thinkin’ you’re ten-men Johnny jar-opener.

BEAT

KEV
One man Terry tight-jeans, that’s what you are sunshine.

RYAN LOOKS ASTONISHED

TASH
Calm down Kev, it’s only a jar. I’m sure there’ll be other things for you to open.

GABRIELLE(LOOKING UP, PENSIVELY)
Open your eyes…

KEV LOOKS AT GABRIELLE, MYSTIFIED.

KEV
That’s not the point Tash.

RYAN
What is the point, Ken?

KEV
I’ll tell you what the point is, son.

RYAN
Please do.

KEV
The point…is that…

DAVE
(CUTS KEV OFF) Have you seen the size of this crisp? That’s the biggest crisp I’ve ever seen, it’s unbelievable. It’s the Fern Britton of the crisp fraternity.

TASH
Crisp sorority.

DAVE
No, cheese and onion. But have you seen the size of it? I think I’ll go and take a photo of it to show my dad. He loves things like that – he was on the front page of the Fulham and ‘ammersmith Chronicle once holdin’ a cheesy wotsit that looked like Anne Robinson.

KEV
I’ll give yer an ‘and.

THE TWO WALK TOWARDS THE DOOR, DAVE STILL STARING IN AMAZEMENT AT HIS CRISP.

DAVE
‘Ere – maybe we could send it to Fern.
(SPEAKS AS FERN) ‘I tell you what - if fackin’ rusty-muff Robinson’s gonna be represented in snack form then aunty Britton’s getting in on the salty action!’

THE TWO CONTINUE TO WALK OUT, BEFORE KEV TURNS ROUND TO LOOK AT RYAN, WHO HAS GONE BACK TO READING HIS PAPER.

KEV
And it’s Kev, not Ken - cock-features.

CUT TO:

The dialogue was good, some bits i didn't understand, like fern stealing lunch. i would try and put a better joke than the fight club one or do a variation on it.
I think it needs some work on its structure, its hard to read at the moment but i thought it was good. The dialogue is very random (which is a good thing) is it based on real life conversasions?

Quote: paul watson @ March 26, 2007, 11:14 AM

Yeah post a scene up (to long I wont be bothered to read it)... is it me or am I seeing a lot of situational sitcoms set in a university at the moment?

And why hasn't anything like it been commissioned yet?

Because I would have been interested in my student days but the minute I left I didn't care for the students that take all my tax money! ;)

Seriously I don't have an interest in it and I don't think anybody else does.

I think a lot of people do or are (understandably) told to 'write what they know' and therefore write about their time at uni. When they first experienced a lot of things and the best time of many people's lives. Unfortunately, this means they think their experiences are unique and would make their comedy stand out, but it turns out everyone's doing the same thing. It's certainly not original.

Maybe it's that most of them don't want to get a proper job first!

I might be completely wrong of course, so let's have a poll: hands up who is *genuinely* interested in a sitcom based around students at uni. Also, for interest, say if you *are* a student at present or were and how long ago.

For me, yes I was a student (left 8 years ago), would have watched it at the time but have next to no interest in watching one now.

Anyway...

Stu

First thing's first, here are the other 'student-based' sitcoms that I've found on here:

Travis111's Best Years Of Our Lives: https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/529
Travis111's Best Years Of Our Lives (Draft 2): https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/1011
Tom Pk's UniverCity (Episode 1): https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/503 and https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/455
Tom Pk's UniverCity (Episode 2): https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/902

and quite 'studenty' in feel, though not technically about students per se:
Paul Watson (himself!) 's Three's a Crowd:
https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/594
(Technically not uni but '3 blokes fresh out of uni', so near enough)
DM84's Newbie Seeking Comments: https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/572
(two lads seem very studenty)

I'd read through these and, particularly, the advice given on them.

On your treatment, I think Kev's too stereotypical. No flaws, no character traits, he's just a run-of-the-mill northerner and I didn't really care for him. Give him some traits that'll make him interesting. I like the sound of Gabrielle, who could be an interesting character. Dave we've seen in every type of sitcom ever and I'm bored of the cockney sexist, to be honest (it would be a unique sitcom character that was a broad cockney non-sexist!) Ryan and Tash sound too clicheed, though Tash's crush on Ryan could be interesting if it remains unrequited and he remains oblivious. Needs to be some conflict between Puj and Kev, as otherwise their relationship will grate on the viewer/listener.

(One thing I've noticed about all the student-y sitcoms is that all the main characters are about the same age. Give us a bit of differential: the mature student, the *very* mature student, the child genius, the mum-of-two who wanted to do a degree and the bloke who's had three careers and hates kids that she ends up sharing a house with. All conflicts make for better comedy!)

Colin, Lucy and Mr Fish sound like characters I'd much rather be interested in that any of the housemates.

Be careful with the 'Northern' point-of-view thing too. It's quite unoriginal in my eyes, and I'm a northerner who's lived down south for the last eight years. The North/South divide thing can get a bit mundane very easily in everyday dialogue, so to use in a sitcom might alienate a lot of people very quickly. You will have to use it *very* objectively and not let your prejudices come through in your writing. (Which, to be honest, *do* come through in your treatment.)

On your scene, I'm confused. It's apparently Scene 4 but your characters are introducing themselves to each other and there's no word of the plot in this episode. Plot should be set in scenes 1 and 2, with each subsequent scene bringing the plot on by a step. I've just got a feel for dialogue (good and funny) but as such it's more a conversation between some people that I don't really have an interest in. Your characters seem to have the same 'voice' (not accent-wise) but seem to be talking much the same which makes it hard to differentiate between them all. They need a bit more characterisation, a bit more ideosynchrasies and prejudices to come out in the writing. Last line makes Kev too agressive. 'It's Kev, not Ken...' is IMO funnier without adding 'Cock-features' at the end of the line.

I wouldn't even bother with the introductions as they're slowing the story down. Start the action as late as possible, have them a few days in and learning to live with each other to surpass the introductions.

This sort of stuff is covered in the pinned threads in this forum. Read them as the advice below them all is interesting and discusses what should and shouldn't be in a sitcom pilot.

I can understand this might sound a bit brutal but it's my genuine thoughts on the matter and 'Yeah, I quite like it' never helped anyone in the long run.

Bear in mind that I might know shit about this and all the networks are lining up waiting for university sitcoms to roll in (but I doubt it).

Hope this helps

Dan

I'd kind of like a student university sitcom because i never went/have been yet.

Thanks fellas, particularly Dan. Right then, let me deal with some of the most cutting criticism:

'Because I would have been interested in my student days but the minute I left I didn't care for the students that take all my tax money! Seriously I don't have an interest in it and I don't think anybody else does.'

Not sure quite how important that is. I was never particularly interested about knowing how offices work, how two guys in a zoo work, what life is like for hospital staff etc etc. What I was interested in are characters that almost transcend the situation they are in, ones that are interesting because of who they are. The situation, for me, serves mainly to exhibit their strongest traits.

(I am fairly sure the Mighty Boosh, for example, is popular with people who don't work in Zoos. Nor do I think 'I know someone just like that' when I see the main characters; I'm not sure you always have to 'relate' to comedy for it to work. It can just be funny.)

That is, I like to think of my sitcom as being funny because of how my characters react with eachother, and as an appurtenance, how they react to the new situation they're in. The dialogue, I hope, would be funny whether it was astronaughts, eskimos or a regular family. This is why, I assume, sitcoms set around families or regular group of mates, are still commissioned.

'On your treatment, I think Kev's too stereotypical. No flaws, no character traits, he's just a run-of-the-mill northerner and I didn't really care for him. Give him some traits that'll make him interesting.'

Hmmm, I should have mentioned that Kev can be quite insecure about certain things, as is apparent in the first episode (and surely in above scene? Maybe not) That is, Ryan is better looking and in a sense cooler than him. Kev's instinct is thus to mock him.

I'm not sure Kev has been done before. He is a mix between Chandler, Andy Millman, and Mac from Green Wing. Yes, to an extent he is run-of-the-mill with no glaring traits but I think that's how a lot of comedy is nowadays. Traits are more subtle and have to be uncovered gradually, rather than people being really stupid, really camp etc, a la old-school sitcom. He is intelligent, witty, and certainly not some extra from Phoenix Nights.

'Dave we've seen in every type of sitcom ever and I'm bored of the cockney sexist, to be honest (it would be a unique sitcom character that was a broad cockney non-sexist!)'

Whilst 'Dave' may have been done before to differing extents, I am fairly sure he's not been done in this context. As such, it is the way he reacts with his more academic peers and how they react to him, rather than his pub banter with friends from a similar background in overdone formats.

'Ryan and Tash sound too clicheed, though Tash's crush on Ryan could be interesting if it remains unrequited and he remains oblivious.'

It does, and he does. The beauty of these characters, I hope, is that they are only superficially clicheed, which is how many students are. What is interesting is getting to know their real characters, and indeed how these juxtapose/conflict with what they portray.

'Needs to be some conflict between Puj and Kev, as otherwise their relationship will grate on the viewer/listener.'

Conflict? Really? I love the idea of a boy-girl best friend relationship, and am very cross Gervais did it first in extras, or did it first in the way I want to. I think their relationship will be the most fascinating thing in the show.

'Be careful with the 'Northern' point-of-view thing too. It's quite unoriginal in my eyes, and I'm a northerner who's lived down south for the last eight years. The North/South divide thing can get a bit mundane very easily in everyday dialogue, so to use in a sitcom might alienate a lot of people very quickly. You will have to use it *very* objectively and not let your prejudices come through in your writing. (Which, to be honest, *do* come through in your treatment.)'

I've never seen a northern point of view on southern ways; please guide me to one if it exists. I've only ever seen perspectives on northern lives, as if they are straying from the norm, i.e. the south. Examples of course being 'The Royle Family', 'Phoenix Nights', and Steve Coogan characters. It won't be all 'you big southern softie', but northern in the sense of common sense straight-talking and piss-taking.

'On your scene, I'm confused. It's apparently Scene 4 but your characters are introducing themselves to each other and there's no word of the plot in this episode. Plot should be set in scenes 1 and 2, with each subsequent scene bringing the plot on by a step. I've just got a feel for dialogue (good and funny) but as such it's more a conversation between some people that I don't really have an interest in.'

Again, I must stress that my sitcom is not massively plot driven. In fact, believe it or not, the jar incident is actually an inciting incident, in that the main plotline of the episode centres on the developing conflict between Ryan and Kev. In this sense, the plot is brought on. There is also the early 'gag' from Puj (who is asian) when she says "Kev is my brother" - this is a signal of the rapport they had established in the previous scene, and also gives us more of an indication of her character.

'Your characters seem to have the same 'voice'

Yes I agree. Bugger. I shall work on this.

All in all, your thoughts have been tremendously helpful, despite my laboured defence. I'm wondering if a treatment re-write is in order?

Sorry but I agre to some extent about the number of student sitcoms. After the Young Ones they're all a bit tame.

Could you sustain a whole series? Do you have enough ideas? Maybe everyone who wants to do a student one could get together to make a series.

swerytd said -

One thing I've noticed about all the student-y sitcoms is that all the main characters are about the same age. Give us a bit of differential: the mature student, the *very* mature student, the child genius, the mum-of-two who wanted to do a degree and the bloke who's had three careers and hates kids that she ends up sharing a house with. All conflicts make for better comedy!)

This really COULD be original though. Has it been done before?

Hi Stu

Quote: Stu R @ March 26, 2007, 5:37 PM

Not sure quite how important that is. I was never particularly interested about knowing how offices work, how two guys in a zoo work, what life is like for hospital staff etc etc. What I was interested in are characters that almost transcend the situation they are in, ones that are interesting because of who they are. The situation, for me, serves mainly to exhibit their strongest traits.

Fair point, just remember that zookeepers, office workers, hospital staff don't wind people up just *because* they're zookeepers, office workers and hospital staff. A lot of people don't like students, regardless of whether your characters are sparklingly brilliant and your dialogue unfeasibly witty, so won't watch. Also bear in mind that *when* you're a student, there are a lot of students you don' t like.

Quote: Stu R @ March 26, 2007, 5:37 PM

I'm not sure Kev has been done before. He is a mix between Chandler, Andy Millman, and Mac from Green Wing.

All the same person, in my opinion. All brilliant characters (as has been said elsewhere on these forums, Chandler Bing is probably the best sitcom character of all time -- certainly my favourite)

Quote: Stu R @ March 26, 2007, 5:37 PM

'Needs to be some conflict between Puj and Kev, as otherwise their relationship will grate on the viewer/listener.'

Conflict? Really? I love the idea of a boy-girl best friend relationship, and am very cross Gervais did it first in extras, or did it first in the way I want to. I think their relationship will be the most fascinating thing in the show.

There is a *incredible* amount of conflict between Andy and Maggie in Extras. They are dependent on each other, yes and they are best friends but they still conflict practically all the time. Maggie is used as a device to create conflict between Andy and practically everyone else.

Quote: Stu R @ March 26, 2007, 5:37 PM

I've never seen a northern point of view on southern ways; please guide me to one if it exists. I've only ever seen perspectives on northern lives, as if they are straying from the norm, i.e. the south. Examples of course being 'The Royle Family', 'Phoenix Nights', and Steve Coogan characters. It won't be all 'you big southern softie', but northern in the sense of common sense straight-talking and piss-taking.

This is not about a lot of sitcoms being about this subject, just that the subject can get tedious (in everyday life) and is the sort of thing I associate with old-style comedians from the 60s/70s. Not original and it will seem quite derivative to any producers you get to read your treatment.

Quote: Stu R @ March 26, 2007, 5:37 PM

Again, I must stress that my sitcom is not massively plot driven. In fact, believe it or not, the jar incident is actually an inciting incident, in that the main plotline of the episode centres on the developing conflict between Ryan and Kev. In this sense, the plot is brought on. There is also the early 'gag' from Puj (who is asian) when she says "Kev is my brother" - this is a signal of the rapport they had established in the previous scene, and also gives us more of an indication of her character.

Oh dear. This is the problem we discussed in the 'Pirates' thread (pinned at the top) about pilot episodes. I might be wrong but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't introduce characters in a standalone episode -- just concentrate on the plot and how your characters react in those situations. The characters' characters (if you will) should come out in their reactions. They shouldn't be explicitly made in introductions.

I'd concentrate on the story more as you should know in your head how your characters will react in any given situation. *Start* on the jar incident in your first scene. Create the conflict straight away and make it clear that Ryan and Kev don't get on. I wouldn't 'develop' it, just go straight in and make it a pretty full-on conflict already. By all means develop it later into a *bigger* conflict, but start at quite a high level of conflict rather than at a level of no conflict. Use Puj as a confidente for Kev as he complains about Ryan but make her objective enough to not dislike Ryan until he's done something to annoy *her*. Then you would have conflict between Puj and Kev as she refuses to bow to his pressure on her to dislike Ryan, without Ryan having done anything to annoy her. She would dislike Kev's approach to her making her own mind up.

Quote: Stu R @ March 26, 2007, 5:37 PM

'Your characters seem to have the same 'voice'

Yes I agree. Bugger. I shall work on this.

Very difficult thing to do and quite a common criticism of a lot of sitcoms on this board. I think you just need to make the characters more opinionated in particular subjects and it may help the confusion. You particularly don't want your character's 'voices' to be the same in arguments!

Quote: Stu R @ March 26, 2007, 5:37 PM

I'm wondering if a treatment re-write is in order?

I would reckon so. Many producers/head of comedy people will only want to read the treatment (or pitch) regardless of how good your script is so it needs to stand out from the crowd. I don't think yours does as it didn't *make* me want to read the script and I think that's what you're aiming for. The structure of it is okay (covering what/where/etc) but it's the characters that people will be interested in at the end of the day and, if your characters are as interesting as you say they are, you need to convince people of that fact.

(I did read it btw, but your original treatment didn't *make* me want to read it)

Glad the comments were helpful. They are genuinely meant to help and not to cause conflict (ironically!) :) All advice is because I've 'been there and done that' re: structure/voices/plot/characters and trying to help people avoid the same mistakes I've made previously.

Dan

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