F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Playfull for shingling. Your prize is to have won so PM me with a new slut please. Meanwhilst...
Playfull - 3
Gappy, Otterfox, Lazzard, Teddy - 1
Next natterjerk: C**tfectionary (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 6.7.21
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 3 Playfull
2 1 Gappy, Otterfox, Lazzard, Teddy
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 28th June 2021, 10:01 AMOtterfox - 1
The secret of comedy is timing, and Otterfox is timing his vote-winning entry for next week.
SWEET 'N' SOUR
PSYCHIATRISTS' STUDIO
PSYCHOLOGIST Hello, patient.
PATIENT Hello, psychologist.
PSYCHOLOGIST Great set-up.
PATIENT Yes, I'm addicted to confectionary.
PSYCHOLOGIST Sweet!
PATIENT F**k off. I need to think about something else.
PSYCHOLOGIST It's easy as pie - I mean, it's a piece of cake.
PATIENT F**k - off.
PSYCHOLOGIST Sweetie, it's like taking candy from a baby. So don't fudge it, snowflake honey.
PATIENT Fuuuck...
PSYCHOLOGIST Humbug, drifter! Keep yer aero on, tart. You're the biggest toffee-nosed twix in the milky way, the galaxy, Mars, bar none. Bon, bon... Sure, Bert - this skit'll raise a snicker, and no 'eckles - so gimme a break, gimme a kit kat.
PATIENT For the last f**king...
PSYCHOLOGIST You can't have your cake and eat it, that's pie in the sky - fruitcake - nutty! It's take the biscuit, the cake, the sugarcoated cookie crumbling that way, ginger nut, and selling like hot tarts. So get a piece of the humble pie with your finger and four and twenty blackbirds in, unless you've got one in the oven pudding club eating for two?
PATIENT Umm...
PSYCHOLOGIST You've a half-baked sweet tooth, plumcake, sweet as honey, busy as popcorn on a skillet, everything from duck soup to hard nuts to crack in a nutshell melting in your mouth, wotsit, sweet Jesus! Sweet on me, sweet sixteen? Sweet talk, eh? Let's sweeten the deal, the pot, the bitter pill...
PATIENT Right, that's it. (leaves)
PSYCHOLOGIST Takes all sorts, dunnit.
CHOCOLATE MAN: Hello sir.
LADY: Hello.
CHOCOLATE MAN: Would you like to buy some of my novelty chocolate?
LADY: No.
CHOCOLATE MAN: How about this chocolate teapot? Like in the saying "as much use as a chocolate teapot"?
LADY: No.
CHOCOLATE MAN: What about this chocolate starfish? It's...
LADY: No.
CHOCOLATE MAN: Chocolate anus? It's made from a mould of an actual...
LADY: No.
CHOCOLATE MAN: Chocolate Jesus? Bite the numbered parts and little calendars fall out.
LADY: No.
CHOCOLATE MAN: Schrödinger's chocolate box?
LADY: Any chocolate in it?
CHOCOLATE MAN: Who can tell?
LADY: No.
CHOCOLATE MAN: Pandora's chocolate box?
LADY: Can I see what's in it?
CHOCOLATE MAN: I wouldn't!
LADY: No.
CHOCOLATE MAN: Chocolate chocolate? It's a replica of a bar of chocolate made out of chocolate.
LADY: No.
CHOCOLATE MAN: Chocolate Hot Chocolate? A model of all the members of the 70s band Hot chocolate lovingly created in chocolate.
LADY: No.
CHOCOLATE MAN: Banana Surprise?
LADY: No.
CHOCOLATE MAN: Do you want to know what the surprise is?
LADY: No.
CHOCOLATE MAN: It's just an ordinary banana.
LADY: Then what's the...
CHOCOLATE MAN: BOO!!!!
LADY: Arragh! No!
CHOCOLATE MAN: Chocolate shit?
LADY: No no no no no no no! No chocolate at all. I do not like chocolate.
CHOCOLATE MAN: You don't like chocolate?
LADY: Not even a little bit.
CHOCOLATE MAN: What do you eat when you want a sweet treat then?
LADY: I make gummy sweets. Would you like a gummy dummy? A dummy made from chewy strawberry gummy?
CHOCOLATE MAN: Um...no.
LADY: Gummy bummy? A chewy gummy sweet in the shape of a bum.
CHOCOLATE MAN: No.
LADY: A plummy hummy rummy gummy? A plum flavoured sweet that makes a humming sound when exposed to card games?
CHOCOLATE MAN: No more!
LADY: A Mummy Summy Tummy Gummy? Only to be eaten in an Egyptian tomb by a mathematician who...
CHOCOLATE MAN: NOOOooooooooo!
CHOCOLATE MAN RUNS AWAY.
WILLY: Congratulations, Charlie!
CHARLIE: Thank you, Mr Willy Wonka.
WILLY: Please don't say my name in full like that, it makes it sounds disgusting.
CHARLIE: Sorry.
WILLY: No problem. So, perhaps I should show you some of the ways of the factory.
CHARLIE: I think I've got the gist: gadgets, fantasy, magic and a colonialist indentured workforce.
WILLY: But, mostly the first 3, right?
CHARLIE: Sure. Anyway, I do intend to make some other changes.
WILLY: You won't...change the chocolate.
CHARLIE: Don't worry, I won't change any of that. The chocolate is a heritage brand, it sells itself.
WILLY: So, what, is it the TV miniaturisation teleport thing? Because I'd kind of decided that R&D was a bit leftfield, to be honest.
CHARLIE: Yeah, that's mental, it's definitely out. No, I was looking at boiled sweets. Reinvigorating those, you know?
WILLY: Interesting, young Master Bucket. What are your thoughts?
CHARLIE: I thought of a sour apple flavoured sweet.
WILLY: Sounds delicious.
CHARLIE: Aha! But, you know how most boiled sweets are oval shaped? This one would be round. Because apples are round.
WILLY: Spherical apple sweets, what a charming idea.
CHARLIE: And then I thought of pear flavoured sweets.
WILLY: And they'd be shaped like a pear?
CHARLIE: No. Well...yes, but only by coincidence. They'd be shaped like teardrops.
WILLY: Bit weird.
CHARLIE: Raindrops, then. But drops is the shape for pear flavoured sweets.
WILLY: O...K...Just pear, no other flavours?
CHARLIE: No other flavours. Except acid.
WILLY: Is that actually a flavour?
CHARLIE: We'll come back to that.
WILLY: But all the rest of the sweets will stay oval?
CHARLIE: Yes. Except sherbert ones. They'd be round.
WILLY: I might need to get a bigger notepad.
CHARLIE: And they'd be tiny.
WILLY: Why would sherbet sweets be tiny?
CHARLIE: Sorry, I understood I was in charge of this factory now. Sherbert sweets are tiny, that's the new rule. Unless they've got actual sherbet in them. Then they're normal sized and oval again. And they taste of lemon.
WILLY: Do you want them to look like a lemon?
CHARLIE: Yes, of course! Make them all yellow and nobbly like lemon skin. Oh, but put a sort of ridge round the middle.
WILLY: Is there any particular reason for...no, fine, we'll do that
CHARLIE: Damn right we will. Oh, and finally, you know the cola flavoured ones? Make them cubes.
WILLY: Cubes? You mean, like dice?
CHARLIE: Yeah, about that size. And red. Because they taste of cola.
WILLY: But cola isn't red. Mind you, cola's isn't square either, so - no, can't be bothered. But won't a cube be really uncomfortable to suck?
CHARLIE: Oh yes. Especially once we've made the edges all rough. But, from now on, that's the only shape for sweets tasting of cola. Orrrr....pineapple!
WILLY: You're insane!
CHARLIE: I'm insane? You're the one who made a lumpy gobstopper that looks like a bloody beryllium atom.
WILLY: Hang on, are we in the film or the book?
CHARLIE: Err...the book?
WILLY: Then it's fine, the gobstopper's normal shape.
CHARLIE: Oh, and I had another idea: a sweet that's all twisty like a little section of red rope, and it tastes of....well, I don't know, it basically tastes of cyborg regret, but I suspect there must be actual food in it somewhere, and it's called cough candy.
WILLY: Does it make you cough, or cure a cough?
CHARLIE: Neither. [RISING IN INTESNITY THROUGHOUT] Oh, and I want dusty chocolate inside a sweet tasting of lime - but not other flavours, only lime! - and sherbet in a sealed pocket that's basically tasteless edible cardboard, and one which is other sherbet squished into a sort of convex token which tastes of violets. Yes, violets the flowers! We're making sweets that taste like flora now, this is the new management style! Horticulture confectionary!
WILLY: You're mad! You're not fit to run a chocolate factory!
CHARLIE: You nearly killed 4 children today!
WILLY: In the book or the film?
CHARLIE: Both! Even in the rubbish film.
WILLY: But, that's alright, they all learnt a lesson. Nobody will mind.
SFX: DISTANT POLICE SIREN COMING NEARER
WILLY: Oh wait, no. I'm going to jail.
A man is looking at the display in a sweet shop he picks an item up and looks at it oddly as he speaks to the owner.
MAN
Excuse me what's this?
OWNER
It's a Holbornrone
MAN
What the f**ks a Holbornrone ?
OWNER
It's Like a Toblerone only as we cant get Swiss chocolate anymore,so we've switched to a maker in Holborn
MAN
You're f**king nuts
OWNER
Not as nuts as my Walsall Whips, by the way they're on offer at the moment three for the price of two.
A HANDSOME COUPLE: A VOLUPTUOUS WOMAN AND A BALD MAN .
W: Darling ?
M: Silky, milky, they taste divine. I just don't think you should call them breasts.
W: What about milk chocolate buttons ?
CHOCLATES ARE SPREAD ACCROSS A KITCHEN TABLE.
M: Better. "Breast" are not consumer friendly.
W: I have two children that would beg to differ. Darling there's no pleasing you is there ? You say the name is wrong, the profit is wrong.
M: You did asked me to look after the money side, just look at your balance sheet.
W: Oh so now I'm unbalances am I ! What an insult. You just don't support me the way you use to.
M: But I do, I think you have a wonderful business, but after a year I would have expected you to have, well, you know, sold something.
W: How dare you ! I'm an artist and milk chocolate fruit and nut is my medium. All you do is criticize. [SHE SOBS]
M: No, no, you're doing a lot of things right, chocolaty wise. Maybe you could drop your...
W: Trousers, you want me to drop my trousers do you ? [ SHE CRIES ]
M: No, your prices.
W: I'm talking metafollically you idiot. You just see me as cheap, don't you ?
M: No ! You're a professional.
W: Oh I'm a pro am I, unbelievable ! Abusing me, punching me with words and piercing me with glances. I thought you cared darling. [SHE WAILS]
M: I do. I mean I did.
W: What ? You mean you've lost interest ?
M: Yes, quiet a bit. The bank sent me to call in the loan. And it's Mr Darwin, not Darling. I'm here to seize your choccies.
W: Fair enough. But I'm telling the press you seized my ample milky breasts against my consent.
SFX: SHOP BELL
CUSTOMER: Excuse me - is this a confectioners?
SHOP-KEEPER: Absolutely, sir - the finest in town.
CUSTOMER: It's just that it says C**t-fectionary on the sign..?
SHOP-KEEPER: Correct again - we are the UK's only Sweary Sweet Shop. You've heard of the SS - well, we've gone one better.
CUSTOMER: Ok - so what do you recommend?
SHOP-KEEPER: Goodness, sir - how long have you got?
CUSTOMER: About another 120 words - people tend to drift off after that.
SHOP-KEEPER: OK - just the highlights, then. We've got Sherbert Shit pipes, Jelly Tits, Percy F**k-pigs, Buttock-Scotch, Mint Humbuggers, Anus Seed Balls- excellent value for money swear-wise, Shittles. Knobstoppers, Penis Brittle and Strawberry Mother F**king Bon-Bons.
CUSTOMER: That last one was a little unimaginative.
SHOP-KEEPER: I think if sir checks the word-count...
CUSTOMER: Shit - yes - Ill take a quarter of Percy F**k-Pigs, then.
SHOP-KEEPER: Impeccable choice. And how will sir be paying?
CUSTOMER: Cash - is a Ten Pound note alright?
SHOP-KEEPER: No problemo - here's a pen.
CUSTOMER: But I'm paying by cash?
SHOP-KEEPER: Yes - but you'll need to draw a knob and bollocks on Her Majesty.
CUSTOMER: Oh, do f**k off.
SHOP-KEEPER: Language!!
Mr DAVIS IS SITTING AT A DESK. THERE IS A BIG BANNER ON THE WALL BEHIND HIM WITH 'CHOCOLATE UMMMMMM' WRITTTEN ON IT. KELLY ENTERS.
MR DAVIS: Ah, Kelly. Please take a seat. Nearly done now. As you can see we need a bit of help with product development and marketing (HE POINTS TO THE BANNER).
KELLY SITS AT THE DESK
KELLY: Yes, I see.
MR DAVIS: Last item on the interview schedule, the new product list. Have you got your suggestions for new products ready?
KELLY: Yes, I have it here. (SHE UNFOLDS A PIECE OF PAPER AND STARTS TO READ FROM IT). The first one is 'Mums own Cream Pie'.
MR DAVIS: What?
KELLY: 'Cream Pie'. It's a...
MR DAVIS: I know what it is thank you.
KELLY: 'A Chocolate Minge'. Which is basically a 'cream pie' without...
MR DAVIS: Yes, without the cream, I get the idea.
KELLY: Then there is the 'Chocolate dogger'.
MR DAVIS: Which I suppose is a chocolate dog?
KELLY: Yes, but with a huge jelly bean cock. Then I have a sherbet Jizz dip, a rusty trumpet...
MR DAVIS: A what?
KELLY: It is basically a chocolate covered honey cum bar.
MR DAVIS: I see what you did there. Well think I have heard enough thank you young lady. (HE PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE PHONE ON HIS DESK) Please send the other applicants home Miss Smith. (HE STANDS AND HOLDS OUT HIS HAND) Congratulations, you have the job Kelly. You are our brand manager for our new Tourette's confectionary range!
Happy if I may. Happy! Not f**king happy! G A P P Y!!! Bastard phone.
Quote: Tiggy @ 6th July 2021, 9:29 AMHappy if I may. Happy! Not f**king happy! G A P P Y!!! Bastard phone.
Thanks for the vote (if that's what's happening here ), but entries are valid until midnight tonight, so you may have the opportunity to switch if you like.
Lost track of the date. I'm camping and I'm even more chaotic than norman. My vote may still change then....
In light of recent events, and in response to various goings on, I'd like to vote in the end for gappy.
Why did it not auto correct then?
Yeah, Gappy.
I enjoyed this week. Quite a rude bunch this week (although that might be inspired by Michael's perversion of my c**t-free theme). For the best mixture of smutty smirks and tight pacing, my vote goes to Lazzard, I do like a list sketch.
I wonder how many points Otterfox will get this week - I think his entry is every bit as good as last time...