F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for shingling. Your prize is to have won so PM me with a new slut please. Meanwhilst...
Gappy - 4
Tiggy - 1
Next natterjerk: Music
Leg closed: 10.6.21
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 13 Gappy
2 9 Otterfox
3 6 Playfull
4 5 Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwh
5 2 Firkin
6 1 Monkers, Tiggy
KERMIT: [SINGING - DO THE VOICE, YOU SO-CALLED COMEDY PERFORMER!] Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what's on the other side? Rainbows are vis-
BOB: There aren't.
KERMIT: Pardon me?
BOB: There aren't so many songs about rainbows.
KERMIT: OK. I can work with that. [SINGING, EXTENDING THE VOWELS TO FIT THE RHYTHM] Why are there songs about rainbows, and-
BOB: There's one. There is literally only one song about rainbows and what's on the other side. It's called Somewhere Over The Rainbow.
KERMIT: Oh, there's loads more than that.
BOB: Such as?
KERMIT: Well, for starters-
BOB: Can you stop doing that voice?
KERMIT: [NORMAL] Sure, sure. But there's loads, there's....err...
BOB: Yes?
KERMIT: There's....this one! My song. My song about rainbows.
BOB: Your song isn't about rainbows. Your song is about songs about rainbows. Inaccurately so.
KERMIT: Yeah, but I can't sing [SINGING] Why is there *a* song about rainbows? That sounds stupid.
BOB: Well, be more specific. Sing [SINGING, FAST ON THE FIRST LINE TO FIT IT IN] Why is Somewhere Over The Rainbow a song about rainb- no, that's not going to work, is it?
KERMIT: Not really.
BOB: Why not change your reference point, but keep the general thrust? Something like [SINGING] Why are there so many films about monsters, and how they endanger the earth?
KERMIT: Erm...not really sure...
BOB: [CONTINUING] Monsters are scary, but sometimes endearing, and some of them only cause mirth.
KERMIT: Weeeellll....
BOB: [CONTINUING] I saw this one about these giant space ants, and one about men grown from seeds.
KERMIT: I really don't think-
BOB: [CONTINUING] Someday you'll find it, the Monster Collection, a set of 18 DVDs.
KERMIT: So maybe-
BOB: [CONTINUING] All of them in a nice box.
KERMIT: Stop it! What are you doing? That's terrible!
BOB: Oh, shut up. You literally f**ked a pig.
Look I'm a bit out of touch here. What is going on? It seems like someone decides on a theme and the idea is to write a sketch on the theme. Where do we get the info?
I seem to remember something similar around 15 years or so ago.
Not very funny.
Yes it's the old skit comp where the winner chooses the theme. Feel free to enter, as my mother said.
Quote: Chappers @ 4th June 2021, 5:43 PMLook I'm a bit out of touch here. What is going on? It seems like someone decides on a theme and the idea is to write a sketch on the theme. Where do we get the info?
I seem to remember something similar around 15 years or so ago.
It's just the skit Comp of old, except Michael keeps us all on out toes by making the thread titles (and some of the contents) inscrutable to mortals.
Join us!
Well make it CLEAR the next time and the theme! PLEASE!
A man walks up to a door marked MANAGER he knocks then enters without awaiting a reply.
A woman who is sat behind the desk looks pissed off by this and she lets it be known.
WOMAN
I'm sorry I don't think I gave you permission to enter, I am rather busy.
MAN
Well I'm not, that's why I'm here
WOMAN
What dos that even mean? Look can I help you we have a concert starting in thirty minutes and I still have few things to go over with the conductor.
MAN
Yes you can help me, why doesn't say who the second violinist is in the orchestra?
WOMAN
I'm sorry the second violinist?
MAN
Yes I was just in your foyer when I noticed the principal violinist was named on the posters but not the second
WOMAN
Its not the custom, tell me are you related to them or something?
MAN
No
WOMAN
Do you play the violin yourself?
MAN
No
WOMAN
I'm sorry are you even attending the concert?
MAN
No
WOMAN
Then why do you want to know
MAN
Well. I was on my way to complain about something else at the town hall, but it started pissing down so I came in here to to get out of the rain and while I'm at it complain about something else instead.
JULIAN FELLOWES sits opposite DANNY, a very young-looking TV Commissioner.
DANNY: So, Julian - we don't see you up her so much. What are you flogging?
JULIAN: Hardly flogging, dear boy. I like to think my reputation as a writer goes before me. No, I was thinking something period - lots of hats..
DANNY: What, like Downton? Again?
JULIAN: Nothing like it! This would be set 25 years later. Completely different hats.
DANNY: But, Jules, we're aiming for a totally different demographic. We can't just endlessly be putting out lavish period adaptions. The kids won't buy it.
JULIAN: Young people wear hats..
DANNY: Not yours. Your hats are old, Julian. It's quite literally, old hat.
Julian has a ponder.
JULIAN: How about I write the same thing I always write, then just whack a bit of T-Rex over it?
DANNY: Bingo! When can you start?
DAMON ALL BANNED
TV STUDIO.
INTERVIEWER and DAMON ALBAN:
INTERVIEWER Good sleazing ladies and gentlemen and welbum to 'Backstage at the Shit Awards', the show bringing you classic music and Rihanna. I'm Inky Piper here with Diamond Alban. How are you, Damon?
DAMON Feel good, Ink...
INTERVIEWER You're currently in the...
DAMON Sound check.
INTERVIEWER For a...
DAMON Mellow song.
INTERVIEWER And then you'll...
DAMON Sing... Song 2.
INTERVIEWER Despite criticism from Noel Gallagher...
DAMON He's the model of a charmless man.
INTERVEWER You think so?
DAMON Na na na na naaaaah na naaaah. Na na na na na na naaaaah na naaaah.
INTERVIWER Very diplomatic.
DAMON There's no other way.
INTERVIEWER Your success is...
DAMON Universal.
INTERVIEWER With all...
DAMON Girls and boys.
INTERVIEWER Avoiding...
DAMON Stereotypes.
INTERVIEWER Now we're coming...
DAMON To the end.
INTERVIEWER Of the interview, but before I knock off for a...
DAMON Caramel. Coffee and TV.
INTERVIEWER Watching 'Attack of the 50-foot woman'...
DAMON Selfish giant - she's so high.
INTERVIEWER Last question. What does...
DAMON Beetlebum...
INTERVIEWER Actually mean?
DAMON F**k knows.
OPENING CLOSE UP OF WILD EYED WHITE HAIRED MAN PULLING A STRANGE FACE
ZOOM OUT TO SHOW HIM IN A LOUD SHINY SUIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A PACKED STUDIO SET
JIMMY: Ooh, goodness gracious, yes it's me pop peepsters, your host for Top of the Pervs.
MUSICAL SFX: DER NER NER NER NER!!! DIDDY DOO DIDDY DOO, DER NER NER NER NER!!!
PSYCHEDELIC STYLE ZOOMING IN AND OUT SHOT OF GROOVY GIRLS IN MINI SKIRTS DANCING AWKARDLY
JIMMY: Goodness gracious me, what a line up we have tonight, ladies and gentlemen, so, with no further ado let me introduce to you the very lovely, the very marvellous Clodagh Rodgers.
JIMMY SKIPS ALONG BEHIND HER PINCHING HER BOTTOM IN RHYTHM WITH THE MUSIC
CLODAGH: Come on and pinch me, Aaarrrgh, goose me, Eeeeek, all night long...
JIMMY: Hey, that was good that wasn't it? Speak into the mic my lovely, don't be shy.
FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes. Aaaarrrrrgh.
COSE UP ON JIMMY GRINNING LIKE A LUNATIC
JIMMY: I only need one hand for the mic luv, uurwooourwooourwoooo. Now then, now then, what wouldn't you believe, straight in at number four, ladies and gentlemen please give a big hand, I know I'm going to, for the ve-ry love-ly Lu-lu.
JIMMY SLIDES BEHIND HER
LULU: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell you know you make me want to aaaaarrrrgh,
look his hand's jumpin, aaaaaaaaaarggh
look my heart's thumpin', eeeeeeeeek
come on now, come on now, arrrrrrrrrghh, oooooooh, eeeeeeek, aaaarrrgh.
JIMMY: Ow's about that then guy's and gals, the lovely Lulu there. Now then, now then, as it 'appens here is a young man in a suit that's nearly as snazzy as what I have on - Getting down with the audience, it's the-fab-ul-ous Ga-ry Gli-tter.
G G: I feel you luv
GIRL A: Aaaaargh
G G: I feel you too luv
GIRL B: Eeeeeeek
G G: I feel you
GIRL C: Shriek
GG: And you luv
GIRL D: Aaaaarggh.
TRI AND TAMBER
Outside; morning
A Tambourine is collecting bottles and glasses in her garden after a party was held the previous night. A Triangle walks out onto her garden and chats with her neighbour.
Tri: Hiya luv you're up early?
Tamber: Oh hey up sweetheart didn't hear you there
Tri: Oh it was a lovely party last night thank you for inviting us
Tamber: Ya welcome, how's your cymbals?
Tri: Still in bed. No surprise what with all the drinks he had last night
Tamber: Same with my Big Drum, should have been working today for the Salvation Army. He
was all over the place last night banging into everyone.
Tri: My cymbals was the same, made a right pair him and your Big Drum what with
banging and tishing. I heard Big drum banging in to the early hours this
morning.
Tamber: Oh sorry that was the headboard
Tri: (Blushing) Oh I see, sorry
SFX Ting ting
Tamber: Aye well, you have to get it whilst you can these days. Crash bang wallop, not like it
was when we were courting, back then he used to bang away like Cozy Powell
SFX Ting ting ting
Tri: Oh you are funny Tamber
Tamber: Aye, you cant beat a good drum as they say
Tri: Lovely to see your Tom Tom helping out
Tamber: He's a good un 'r' Tom-Tom.
How's your Tring by the way didn't hear her last night?
Tri: She was watching her boyfriend at the Sheffield Crucible he's the wooden triangle
you know! He holds all their balls together.
Tamber: Oh lovely
Tri: Lovey buffet last night you put a good spread on
Tamber: Did you like the drumsticks?
Tri: I did
Tamber: Me too, had so many my skin's stretched, look?
(Shows her midriff)
(Sighs) Oh well back to joining the slimming club again
Tri: Shame about the fight between the Trombones and the Bells
Tamber: Bloody Trombones always poking their Bumpers in. We had to phone for an
ambulance for Big Bell.
(Pointing down)
Tamber: He was kicked in the Clappers
Tri: oooow how painful. And the police?
Tamber: We had to call them out because of the Church organ. Caught doing a solo he was, it
was disgusting, especially when kids were around.
Tri: He played all the right notes, Tamber?
SFX Ting ting ting
Tamber: Yes, but not necessarily in the right order
Tri: Hey! Did ya see the upright piano
SFX Ting ting ting
Tri: He fell over he was so drunk
Tamber: He definitely wasn't an upright piano last night. He should have been prosecuted
under The Trade description act. It took eight of us to upright him.
By all accounts he had too many piano coladas
SFX Ting Ting Ting
Tri: And he lost his music sheet. It was so funny.
SFX Ting ting ting
Tri: Did you ever find it
Tamber: We did. In the toilet.
Tri: (Puzzled) Toilet?
Tamber: How it got there is anyone's guess, but my Big Drum was having a Tom Tit and
accidentally wiped his fat arse with It.
SFX TING CHINKLE TING CHINKLE
Tamber: Get this. He said it was the best sheet he ever had
SFX CHINKLE TING CHINKLE TING
Tri: Oh that's sooooo funny
Tamber: It so is.
Tri: When did your party finish? I was too tired and called it a night
Tamber: Oh when the conductor left and everyone was Brahms and Liszt
SFX Ting ting ting
Tamber: Here Tri do ya fancy a cuppa?
Tri: ooow that would be lovely Tamber I am feeling a little square this morning.
Tamber: Good, I'll go and put the Kettle drum on
INT. NIGHT. MUSIC SHOW.
PRESENTER NICK STACK IS INTRODUCING HIS GUESTS.
NICK:
Today is indeed a rare and unique occasion as for the first time in over forty years we have with us now all members of prog-rock legends, the masters of the mysterious, not just sex symbols but sex gods even though you would never think it to look at them now, the one and only; The Moon King!
They, of course need no introduction but I'm going to give you one anyway.
PAN TO EACH INDIVIDUAL MEMBER AS HE IS INTRODUCED.
NICK:
Lead singer, band leader, leader of men, lover of women, the mysterious and charismatic frontman Keith Weltron;
Original drummer who claimed to have tiny drum-kits in each ear and one in his nostril, sex symbol Tony Losant. Just to clarify I made a joke there. When I call him a sex symbol I'm actually saying 'cymbal' as in the drumming instrument, because he is a drummer you see.
(Sniggers to himself)
NICK(CNTD):
Back up drummer and all round sexy man Roger Yeast.
GARY APPEARS FROM BEHIND TONY.
Bass legend who could play notes so low it would set girls shins and other things all a-quiver, karma sutra aficionado Pete Carson;
The axe-man who also played lead guitar. Known for his amazing and unique solos one of which lasted 9 days and not all were guitar solos either if you know what I mean. The late great Mitch Anderson!
MITCH WAVES HIS HAND IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.
NICK:
Now we have a special treat for you tonight. We are going to have a detailed interview with the band after they play a couple of their classics including Stingraven, There Go My Legs, Cat Chestnut and The Time That Land Forgot, but first let me give you a brief history of the band.
Formed in 1965 they found it difficult to settle on a name. Originally known as Fair Fairy, then Care Beary, Care Scary, The Machine, Notes to Earth, The Boys Who Fell from Earth, The Boys Who Never Fell, Moon Not Earth, Call of the Startlers, The Startlers and King Startle before finally settling on The Moon King in 1968.
In just three years they had found their name. Now all they had to do was write songs and record them.
The bands first three albums all entered the top ten but by late '71 cracks were beginning to form in the front room of Keith Weltrons house. When none of the other members offered to help him fix it, Weltron grew disillusioned with the band and by May '72 he had left to forge a solo career.
Two years later that was no more after he split up with himself.
Roger Yeast became a backing drummer after Tony Losant went cymbal-blind due to an overdose of tin. Sharing an on-stage stool, Yeast would hit the cymbals that Losant couldn't see.
In '74 Mitch Anderson attempted to leave the band for the second time forgetting that he had already left it three months before.
This just left bassist Pete Carson remaining in the original band. The other four members reformed as a new band and asked Carson to join but they had no name and had to disband.
THE BAND ARE NOW ALL SET UP AT THEIR INSTRUMENTS. ROGER YEAST IS SITTING ON TONY LOSANT'S LAP BEHIND THE DRUMS. BOTH MEN ARE HOLDING A PAIR OF DRUMSTICKS.
NICK (EXCITEDLY):
And so without further ado it's-it's finally time for the one and only...it's...oh, our time is up!
CREDITS BEGIN TO ROLL.
THE BAND IS FURIOUS AND LEAVES THE STAGE OMINOUSLY APPROACHING THE PRESENTER.
NICK:
Give it up one more time for The Moon Kin-
THE BAND ALL JUMP ON HIM AND HE DISAPPEARS BELOW THE CAMERA.
HE REAPPEARS, BEDRAGGLED WITH HANDS CLASPED AROUND HIS NECK.
NICK:
Goodniiii-
HE SALUTES THE CAMERA AND IS AGAIN DRAGGED FORCEFULLY DOWNWARDS.
END.
HIT MEN FOR HIRE
ROB: Look Dan. I think it was a bit of a mistake putting an advert like that.
DAN: Well we're songwriters innit.
ROB: Yes but we haven't actually had a hit yet.
DAN: But we've writ loads innit.
ROB: Look you can't actually say they're hits until they hit - the chart that is.
DAN: You've gotta have more faith bruv.
ROB: I have but I'm just worried we might attract the wrong type of people.
DAN: Why's that bruv?
ROB: Look Dan. Firstly can you stop all this "innit" and "bruv". You're a 45 year old Old-Etonian.
DAN: Gotta get down wiv da kids bruv innit.
ROB: You're not actually getting my point are you. Hit men? Don't you think it's a bit misleading?
DAN: Nah.
ROB : Well I do. A Hit man is a hired assassin.
DAN : And your point is?
ROB : We don't want to advertise the fact.
DAN: Well you always said if that fat bastard Gary Barlowe can be a successful songwriting sex-symbol then anybody can.
ROB : I know I said that.
DAN: And you said that you couldn't understand why anyone would buy a Take Twat record unless they were a girl or a gay.
ROB: Did I?
DAN: You know you did and you also said if you had the chance you'd shoot the bastard.
ROB: Well I wasn't advertising US. I was advertising for one.
DAN: Oh that's fine then. Go ahead. Where were you advertising?
ROB: Well I've writ this really good Grime song - innit.
And now on BBC Radio 2, we take a look at some of the biggest hits of yesteryear, and ask - what happened next? So often, record company pressure for a follow-up can lead an artist, like a dog returning to its vomit, to re-treading the same ground and getting sticky, disgusting paws. Take, for instance, Fontella Bass. Everyone knows her 1965 number 11 hit Rescue Me, but who remembers this later attempt to recapture pop glory?
"Thank you for rescuing me
It was really very kind of you to do that
It's so nice to be back at home now with a CUP OF TEA
And my feet up
And a good book
Now, if you don't mind it's due back at the library in a couple of days..."
How fickle is fame. One week you're middle guest on the Paul O'Grady show, the next, the bailiffs are towing away your customised labradoodle. Pity The Specials, who failed to storm the charts with this one:
"This town. Is actually quite nice now.
It's even got a Debenhams."
And let's not forget Billy Joel:
"Smoke and flames, burning, ash
Valuables and lots of cash
Thatched roof, parquet floored
Very much uninsured
Everybody's in the frame
Looking for someone to blame
Was it arson, was it chance, is
That a fire in your pants?
Regardless of who started the fire
You might at least have called the emergency services."
And so the story continues; the Kaiser Chiefs with the strangely prescient "I Predict a Withdrawal from the European Union," Black Lace got all pretentious with "A Further Treatise on the Application of Force to Pineapples and Trees," and Chesney Hawkes tragically failed to reclaim the top spot with his misanthropic follow-up, "Screw You, Previously Undisclosed Identical Twin".
ZORG IS SITTING AT HIS USUAL TABLE IN HIS USUAL CAFÉ. THE MAN HE SPOKE TO BEFORE ENTERS AND LOOKING ROUND SPOTS ZORG. HE MOVES QUICKLY TO ZORG'S TABLE AND SITS.
MAN: Thank goodness you are here, i have been looking for you all week.
ZORG: Ah, man. I am Zorg ruler of...
MAN: The nine planets, I know.
ZORG: Destroyer of...
MAN: Galaxies, universes, civilisations, I know, I know. I have to ask you a question.
ZORG: 4pm.
MAN: When we talked before...Wait, 4pm. What is happening at 4pm?
ZORG: Sooner or later everyone asks the same question. When will the universe end?
MAN: I was going to ask which horse is going to win the 1.30 at Kempton?
(HE LAYS A NEWSPAPER OUT ON THE TABLE)
ZORG: The universe will end at precisely 4.pm. Though I am not sure on the exact date.
MAN: Never mind. Now about the 1.30...
ZORG: Music.
MAN: Music?
(MAN SCOURS THE PAPER)
MAN: Nope, no 'music'.
ZORG: Your Earth music is quite unique. You should be very proud.
MAN: I am and tone deaf. My contribution to progressing musical culture was scratching my sisters Bay city rollers records until they were unplayable.
ZORG: There is such variety in styles, instruments rhythms and length.
MAN: Length?
ZORG: Yes, there is an almost infinite variety in the length of pieces.
MAN: And if we can come back to planet earth for a moment. Last time we spoke you asked me about dark matter?
ZORG: You know what dark matter is?
MAN: No, but Dark Matter was running in a race later that day.
ZORG: Dark matter is a horse? The large animal with a leg at each corner.
MAN: No, the horse is named after Dark matter?
ZORG: Anything by the Osmonds.
MAN: (SCOURING THE PAPER) Osmonds...Osmonds...Osmonds...
ZORG: I meant I like everything, except anything by the Osmonds.
MAN: So you can't tell me what will win the next race?
ZORG: A horse?
MAN: Very funny. I thought you didn't do humour? Anyway I thought you were supposed to be
All powerful.
ZORG: So did i. But Zorgetta had different ideas.
MAN: What did she do?
ZORG: Stripped me of my powers and moved my brother Zarg into the palace.
MAN: can't you get home?
ZORG: A space uber will take several eons to get me home.
MAN: A Space uber?
ZORG: yes the one on earth is a franchise.
MAN: so you can't see the future?
ZORG: No if i try i just keep seeing something called next weeks lottery numbers...