INT. INTERVIEW STUDIO.
ROLY/PRESENTER:
Welcome back to A Life In Minutes. I'm still joined, of course by Hef-Jeffrey Montague and if we can just continue our conversation on the stories that have recently been appearing all over the press.
HEF-JEFFREY:
A lot of what's been said about me has been misquoted and indeed I feel a lot of what is known about me has been distorted for sometime.
ROLY:
I'd like to pick up on that point, you have been distorted for sometime. Your back is almost completely blurred and your lower jaw looks, I suppose the word I'm looking for is pixelated. Do you know what's causing this?
HEF:
No I'm yet to find out the cause and once I find that out I'll take a break for a few years and then perhaps look for a cure.
ROLY:
What's life like now for someone with a pixelated jaw.
HEF:
I find it's wonderful when I'm in a public domain and it's liberating to know that an odd rude word can be slipped in but not be noticed visually.
ROLY:
Indeed but it can still be heard.
HEF:
Well I like them like that. I want them to be heard. As long as they're not seen I'm happy.
ROLY:
Tell me about your interesting pastime.
HEF:
Oh yes I've spent a lot of time in the past. In fact everything I've done prior to this has been in the past. It's really only very recently that I've caught up to the present.
ROLY:
No, I refer to the pastime you got arrested for.
HEF:
Oh yes indeed, I love to break into people's houses, tie them up, strip them of any headwear and set fire to their fireplace.
ROLY:
I believe some people have called it sick.
HEF:
We all have our colloquialisms. Some people call it sick; others call it firelighters, timber and turf.
ROLY:
The strangest aspect is that you have said that you were happy to be arrested.
HEF:
That is correct yes. I was happy to be arrested as by the time I'd finished my rounds some of the earlier....
ROLY:
Victims?
HEF:
Participants, had escaped their shackles and didn't seem best pleased. In fact they had organised an old-fashioned lynch-mob complete with pitchforks and wooden torches ablaze.
ROLY:
This saddened you.
HEF:
I must admit that it did. I mean I had worked long into the night. It wasn't easy tying them up and some of the fuel they had for burning left a lot to be desired. The saddest thing though and it damn near broke my heart was that their torches were lit with the very flames that I lit their fire with.
ROLY:
They were using your own fire against you.
HEF:
I'm getting rather emotional. Can we move on please?
ROLY:
Certainly. Next came the trial, which was an event in itself.
HEF:
I would say the best way of describing the trial was an event in itself. The prosecution made their presence felt that's for sure. Accusing me of leaving people's heads completely naked, shackling them and even pyromania. I was gobsmacked. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
ROLY:
But you did do all those things.
HEF:
Yes but in a very gentlemanly way and sometimes not even in that order.
ROLY:
So what line did your barrister take?
HEF:
To say he was a disappointment would be an understatement. He was picked out of hundreds by an expert court observer called Barry Sheckles. It was only after a week of the trial that I realised that Barry had been one of my.... 'participants'.
ROLY:
So how did your barrister attempt to counter all those awful, truthful accusations?
HEF:
I looked over at him for guidance on four occasions and each time he was curled up in the corner eating sawdust out of a matchbox.
ROLY:
We still haven't got to your time in jail, your dramatic escape, your sword fight with a grizzly, setting fire to St. Petersburg and even whistling your way to freedom in the Andes but I'm afraid, as always, we've run out of interest. I've been Roly Danube and this has been Hef-Jeffrey Montague's A Life In Minutes; goodnight.
HEF:
Yes, goodnight.
ROLY:
It's my show I get to say the last one.
HEF:
And then I say goodbye off to be back of that.
ROLY:
No you don't. Good night.
HEF:
I've been saying goodnight since 1942. I think I know what position it should be in.
ROLY (ANGRY):
You don't. No one can even see what you're saying with your pixel jaw. It's my show; I get to say the final one. Agreed? Now good night!
HEF:
Oh I agree. Nothing to fear here..........Goodnight.
ROLY LUNGES FOR HEF.
END.