Plastic Expletive

Hi, all.

Anyone familiar with my Naptime in the Quicklime stuff will know this one as part of a monologue. This is a rewrite as a radio sketch. Comments appreciated.

INT. SCOTLAND YARD – DAY

F/X: OFFICE HUBBUB.
AN OPERATOR ANSWERS A CALL.

OPERATOR:
Scotland Yard, what up?

TERRORIST:
This is your hour of reckoning! No longer will my people sleep under oppression while…

OPERATOR:
…you what, mate?

TERRORIST:
I have a bomb!

OPERATOR:
I've got an X-Box - bully for you.

TERRORIST:
Are you listening to what I am saying? In five minutes I will detonate an explosive device…

OPERATOR:
…yeah, yeah. So what's the code?

TERRORIST:
Code?

OPERATOR:
Can't blow up a bomb without a code, mate.

TERRORIST:
I don't have a code!

OPERATOR:
Then make something up!

TERRORIST:
(SIGH)
I don't know. One. Five. Seventeen.

OPERATOR:
That's not going to do it! It goes number, number, letter. What's the letter?

TERRORIST:
I don't know! G!

OPERATOR:
G for what? G for Gnu?

TERRORIST:
Gnu!

OPERATOR:
Yeah, it’s like a wildebeest. Horns shaped like big hands. (PAUSE) No, wait, I'm thinking of an elk, or something of that ilk.

TERRORIST:
Ilk?

OPERATOR:
Yeah. Not to be confused with an elk.

TERRORIST:
Are you paying attention to me?

OPERATOR:
Yeah, it's just… I'm stuck on this five down – 'an utterly foolish or senseless person' - what do you reckon?

TERRORIST:
You're playing a crossword?!

OPERATOR:
Listen, mate – I didn't want to say anything but you're coming across a bit threatening.

TERRORIST:
This is a bomb threat, you idiot!

OPERATOR:
'Idiot'! That's my five down!

F/X: DISTANT BOOM! PHONE CRACKLE. DEAD LINE.

OPERATOR:
Hello? Hello? (TO HIMSELF) Funny fella.

END

That's pretty good.

I liked it.

It was good.

I look forward to hearing an audio version.

Haha, yes, it was good, although I thought the crossword gag's been done quite a bit.

Quote: James Williams @ March 19, 2008, 1:50 PM

Haha, yes, it was good, although I thought the crossword gag's been done quite a bit.

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It has? Hmmm, I guess I'll have to think of another way to end it.

I wouldn't pay too much attention to anything I say, I think everything's a cliché. Has anyone else heard the same sort of gag before? I definitely have, but I may have a peculiarly sharp memory for these things, if you see what I mean.

Quote: James Williams @ March 19, 2008, 1:58 PM

I wouldn't pay too much attention to anything I say, I think everything's a cliché. Has anyone else heard the same sort of gag before? I definitely have, but I may have a peculiarly sharp memory for these things, if you see what I mean.

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I know what you mean - the crossword bit gave me pause for thought. Try as I might, I can't think of where it's been done before, though.

Liked it, like the others can't wait to here it.

Would also like to say LOVED the title of the sketch, think there's another sketch right there.

One niggle.

TERRORIST:
You're playing a crossword?!

Do you play a crossword?

I'd say you 'play' a crossword. I suppose 'do' would be more colloquial though.

I've had some new ideas for this one and I'm thinking of making it a TV bit instead. Might be a while before it shows up here.

I thought it was good (although also wondered about playing a crossword - you "do" one).

One for the legendary radio sketch show. Now what ever happened to that?

Quote: Griff @ March 21, 2008, 2:45 PM

I'm a bit of a crossword nut. Am reading a great book about crosswords at the moment called Pretty Girl In Crimson Rose which I strongly recommend to anyone with cruciverbal tendencies.

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Three down and two across?

I loved it

very nice indeed

Quote: Curt @ March 19, 2008, 12:24 PM

I liked it.

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My exact thoughts.