F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for shingling. PM me with a new slut sposa please. Meanwhilst...
Gappy 2
Otterfox, wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwh, Alfred, Playfull 1
Next slapperjack: Breakfast (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 27.3.21
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
10 1 Wwwwwh, Gappy
7 2 Tiggy, Playfull
5.5 3 Otterfox
4.5 4 Firkin
3 5 Alfred J Kipper
2 6 Steve Sunshine, me,
1 7 Thief of bad gags
I think Alfred got 2 votes last time, and I only got 1.
What's that got to do with Breakfast?
Quote: playfull @ 19th March 2021, 5:28 PMWhat's that got to do with Breakfast?
Quite right, the scoring is more of a dog's dinner 
What's eating you?
Consider it dung.
EVEL: [AMERICAN AND LACKADAISICAL, IF YOU CAN MANAGE IT] Morning, Bedford.
BEDFORD: [STUFFY BRITISH BUTLER] Felicitations of the morning to you, sir.
EVEL: Hey, cool. Is everything set up for the jump later?
BEDFORD: Indeed, the arrangements have been satisfactorily completed. If you would be so kind as step this way, Mr Knievel.
EVEL: Oh, hey, Bedford, that's a real swell spread, but I don't need breakfast.
BEDFORD: Sir?
EVEL: I had my usual: Jim Beam thick shake and a cheroot.
BEDFORD: Ah - I fear sir is under a misapprehension. These jentacular comestibles are not intended for consumption.
EVEL: What now?
BEDFORD: This, sir, is not breakfast.
EVEL: But it has all kippers and shit. Anyway, no time for that, let's check out the jump site.
BEDFORD: And that, sir, is where the misapprehension resides. This is, in fact, the venue I have procured for your latest spectacle of death defiance. You may start by circling the grapefruit, and then you might consider pulling some, what I believe are referred to as [PRONOUNCE THE "H"] wheelies. Just over by the Shreddies.
EVEL: Huh?
BEDFORD: And, to complete the entertainment, you could jump over no fewer than 7 slices of granary toast.
EVEL: Bedford! I can't jump over toast.
BEDFORD: Oh, it would be laying down, sir.
EVEL: No, I mean, I *can* jump over toast! But that's obviously not the kind of stunt worthy of the name Evel Knievel.
BEDFORD: May I take this opportunity remind you that your name is, in fact, Robert Craig Knievel Junior. If your late father were here today, he'd be so dismayed to hear you were not utilising your given name. I would say to him, Robert Craig Knievel Senior, I'd say, have you heard that Robert Craig Knievel Junior is no longer calling himself Robert Craig Knievel Junior, but employs the epithet Evel, and furthermore -
EVEL: Bedford! Jumping over toast will not put people's hearts in their mouths.
BEDFORD: There would eggs on the toast, sir.
EVEL: That hardly makes it exciting.
BEDFORD: Did I neglect to mention the eggs would be devilled?
EVEL: I don't care! I'm not doing it. I'll go into town and find something decent to leap over. A chasm or a burning bus.
BEDFORD: I regret, sir, I don't recall coming across either of those in Hartlepool town centre.
EVEL: Yeah, well, what would you know? I don't even know why I have a butler. Bedford, you're fired!
BEDFORD: Very good, sir.
EVEL: Damn good! So now I'll - hey, where in hell's my motorbike?
BEDFORD: It is in the garage, sir. I took the liberty of making some small alterations to the design.
EVEL: What? But I tweaked that Harley to run to perfection, you dumbass.
BEDFORD: Indeed, sir. But now, I am happy to say, I have added an extra seat to accommodate your chauffeur...
INT. OFFICE. DAY. ADVERTISMENT EXEC WELCOMES A GROUP OF THREE HOPEFULS TO PITCH THEIR IDEAS.
EXEC:
Welcome one and all. As you know, we're looking for a new take on breakfast. How can it be revamped, renewed, reinvigorated and any other word beginning with 'r'. Step up here please and give it hell. Number one on the list we have Declan Smutch - go!
DECLAN:
Hi, when I say the word breakfast what images flood your mind? Bowls of Corn Flakes watching Saturday morning cartoons? Your mothers delicious fry ups perhaps? A juicy watermelon on a foreign holiday? Or a hasty hop and skip out the door longing to reach Starbucks just so that you can hop and skip out that door too? Yes, me too. But that's not what I'm here to talk about at all. What I really want to-
EXEC:
Next! Aam Sarah Gronooler. Shoot!
SARAH:
The breaking of dawn, the dawning of a new day, the breaking of fast, the fastest is first, the firstest is fast. Breakfast has an advantage over all the other meals, it's first. The early bird catches the worm. Now, while I'm not suggesting that you eat worms, I am suggesting that you are a bird - an early bird. Not that you're actually a bird but you're early if-if that's the time that you get up. If it gets up when you're early. Sorry! If your get up is at the start of early. If! You being early, get up at the beginning.
EXEC:
Next! Last one, Buck Finbar, please redeem or another word beginning with 'r', this farce.
SARAH: (CONTINUES SPEAKING HURRIEDLY).
You'll get all the good breakfasts then if you're up first. (BOWING CEREMONIOUSLY SEVERAL TIMES) Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you......thank you-
EXEC:
BUCK!
BUCK HAS AN AIR OF CONFIDENCE/MAVERICK. HE HOLDS A BOOK IN HIS HAND ENTITLED 'HOW TO EAT A BREAKFAST'.
BUCK:
See this book. HE THROWS IT AWAY, PEOPLE GASP.
BUCK:
I've never read this handbook in my life and I can assure you that I never will.
(More Gasps)
BUCK:
Breakfast, pah! Don't make me sick! I see you all coming in here with your little pitches - little bitches more like. (MOCKINGLY) Ooh look at me promoting breakfast. Like me, like me.... do me a favour.
If breakfast be the feast of kings then let me be a pauper. But...what do kings have?
VOICE 1:
A crown.
VOICE 2:
Sceptres.
VOICE 3:
A red cloak with white trim and black spots. It ties at the neck with laces that may well be a goldish colour.
VOICE 4:
A beard.
BUCK:
Correct, a chair. First thing in the morning you don't need to break fast, you need to break lie. You need to lie down in an upright position or 'sit'. That's where chairs come in. After an exhausting 8 hours of lying down, you're feeling tired and sluggish, so why not sit yourself down. That's why Chairworld now sells chairs, but that's not all, when you buy the front two legs you get the back two at minimum cost. But that's still not all, they also include a seat to put on the four legs and-
EXEC:
Times up!
HE PUSHES BUCK OUT THE DOOR.
BUCK: (FROM OUTSIDE THE DOOR)
And also include a back so you're children won't have to sit like this. I know you can't see me because I'm gone out of the room but I'm leaning back.
EXEC:
Enough!
BUCK:
But that's still not all. Oh, actually it is. So, for the best break lie come on down to Chairworld where we chair-ish you. Hahahaha..... that laugh again is hahahaha!
END.
A SMALL CELL IN AN AMERICAN PRISON. OTIS SITS ON THE ONLY BED, HOLDING HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS, STARING AT THE FLOOR. WITH A LOUD CLANG THE DOOR SLIDES OPEN AND A GUARD ENTERS FOLLOWED BY A PRIEST.
OTIS: You again Priest? I'll give you your due, you are a tryer.
GUARD: More fan mail Otis. (HE HOLDS OUT A BUNDLE OF MAIL, BRIGHTLY COLOURED, WITH SOME WRAPPED IN RIBBONS)
OTIS: Put 'em with my stuff I'll read them tomorrow.
THE PRIEST AND GUARD LOOK AT EACH OTHER
GUARD: The stranglers always get the most mail. All the crazies love a strangler.
THE GUARD DROPS THE MAIL INTO A BAG FULL OF UNOPENED MAIL ON THE FLOOR
OTIS: I didn't strangle nobody.
PRIEST: Listen, this is important Otis, you can't be forgiven if you don't ask to be forgiven.
OTIS: And I can't be forgiven for something I didn't do...
(THERE IS A TENSE PAUSE)
GUARD: (UPBEAT) About your breakfast?
OTIS: What?
GUARD: You requested a full breakfast. for your last meal?
PRIEST: I am trying to save this man's immortal soul and you want to talk about breakfast?
GUARD: To be fair, the cook does a really good breakfast.
PREIST: You are measuring an eternity of damnation against a pile of pancakes?
GUARD: Pancakes dripping in maple syrup. With a big knob of buttercream melting on top.
PRIEST: And bacon?
GUARD: The crispiest bacon you could imagine.
OTIS: The governor said no breakfast? If I don't repent, I get no last breakfast.
GUARD: What the governor doesn't know doesn't hurt him.
PRIEST: And hash browns?
GUARD: Diner style, hand grated, seasoned on the griddle.
PRIEST: Eggs sunny side up?
GUARD: And grits on the side.
OTIS: What's goin' on?
GUARD: With coffee to die for...(BEAT)
OTIS: I can smell the coffee... and bacon. I can smell bacon.
GUARD: Here's the thing, It's my darlin daughters weddin' day tomorrow Otis.
PREIST: And I have the honour of conducting the wedding. And we were wondering?
OTIS: Wondering what?
GUARD: Well it's tight, with your...shall we say...appointment.
OTIS: Lets say my murder.
PRIEST: And it's not nice for the Bride, knowing where her father has just come from.
GUARD: You were so upset about the breakfast, we just thought...
PRIEST: The last night...in the cell...in the dark...waiting for morning...
OTIS: Pancakes, I can smell pancakes.
GUARD: I have seen men go crazy, in the cell, just waiting. So we thought...we are all free... now, this evening?
OTIS: ( BEAT) I think I can smell something else...
GUARD & PRIEST LOOK AT EACH OTHER, THEN AT OTIS.
OTIS: (CONT') I smell, absolution?
PRIEST: You mean without a confession?
OTIS: Without confession, but with extra bacon.
PRIEST: Well it is my job to save souls, I am sure we can work something out
GUARD: I'll get the trolley. My wife, she has sent a Budweiser as a thank you.
OTIS: Twist off lid, i 'spect?
NEXT DAY. THE CELL THE CHIEF WARDEN IS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CELL. A (DIFFERENT) GUARD IS SORTING THROUGH OTIS'S MAIL.
CHIEF WARDEN: Where is everybody? Where the hell is Otis? Can you see the Governor's letter?
His wife said she put a ribbon round the pardon, to make it stand out...
MANUEL: Sir! What can I get you?
BRIAN: I'll have the full English, please.
MANUEL: Ha ha! Very amusing.
BRIAN: Oh, I'm sorry - the continental?
MANUEL: Ha! No one has breakfast in Magaluf!
BRIAN: But it's 8am.
MANUEL: Exactly! Why are you even up? Weren't you out doing all the crazy party games and the live-streaming boat orgies?
BRIAN: Indeed I was, but then it got to about midnight and I was tired, so I went to bed.
MANUEL: In your own bed? Rookie error!
BRIAN: I fail to see how. I partied hard, I got some kip, and here I am, revitalised and ready for a solid day's debauchery.
MANUEL: Oh. Well you should probably know that nothing much happens before the evening.
BRIAN: Really? I thought people here had legendary stamina.
MANUEL: They do - starting from about 9pm.
BRIAN: What, in the dark?
MANUEL: Obviously the clubs have the UV lights on.
BRIAN: Not very energy efficient. And it suppresses the production of melatonin.
MANUEL: Well, you're not going to get many takers for the rimjob karaoke before everyone's got a few pints inside them.
BRIAN: So just start the drinking earlier! It's not like anyone's at work! This island has a major scheduling problem.
MANUEL: But if they started earlier they'd just want to keep going later.
BRIAN: No they wouldn't! They'd get nicely tired and have a respectable night's sleep!
MANUEL: Hmm. But it's rebellious, isn't it? Staying up all night partying and shagging.
BRIAN: Is the "all night" part the rebellious bit, though? Picture the headlines: Tiger Woods caught in drug-fuelled bonkathon - and it was past everyone's bedtime! I mean I'm all for living out the Bacchanalian ideal, I just don't see the need to fight the body's natural circadian rhythms. Why is everyone so determined to suffer permanent virtual jet lag?
MANUEL: The suffering is the main part of it! The suffering, and the regret. It's a holiday!
BRIAN: Well I think you're mad, the lot of you. Tell you what, get me a Bloody Mary. I'm going to show I can have as much fun as anyone and still get to bed on time.
FX: CRASHES AND SIRENS
DRUNKS: Wahey! Let's get kebabs and break things! Oh no! It's the Fuzz!
OFFICER: Excuse me sir, are you causing trouble?
BRIAN: What, me? They're smashing the place up, I'm just sitting here having my breakfast.
OFFICER: It seems to me these people are just enjoying a night out. But drinking at breakfast? You, sir - you have a problem.
All awesome. Otterfox this wank.
Ws - although the phrase "rimjob karaoke" very nearly lost them my vote, blech.
I'm not very big on breakfast, toast at most so couldn't get inspired but found others here did. Strongish week I thought, good bits in all of them but I go for the ad world parody from Otterfox.
Gappy Knievel jumps his way to success for me this week.
I think Otterfox - for'Correct, a chair'.
I need to up my game, i think i have invented a new genre - the joke free sketch....