Newsjack Series 24 - Feb/Mar 2021 Page 10

Commiserations/Congrats to everyone who submitted! I've tried my hand at Newsjack a few times with mixed results (nowhere near/very far away). In the spirit of (over)sharing, here are my latest rejects:

Matthew McConaughey has upped speculation he'll run for Governor of Texas. Fans were displeased, however, when he debuted his potential campaign slogan: "alt-right, alt-right, alt-right."

(With women feeling unsafe and plans to erect more statues of men) The Conservatives have announced a new slogan that neatly summarises their priorities: Statue. Tory. Rape.

Betting company Football Index has entered administration. Fans defended the company, saying they "showed great mental strength", are "too good to go down", and are "not that type of company."

It's been a bad week for planet earth as Boris Johnson announced a lift on the number of nuclear warheads the UK can stockpile; It's been a good week for fans of Dr Strangelove as getting to ride a bomb will soon be more than a distant possibility.

It's been a good week for Kanye West who has just won his first Grammy Award since urinating on the last one; it's been a bad week for Kanye's cleaner who will presumably have a terrible job to do in the morning.

Good Luck to everyone in the future!

Well done Blinkered! I did worse and worse as the series went on too, Skram.

Here's my rejected one-liners (sob):

Marks & Spencer's abandoned its own-brand policy and is now to sell rival manufacturers' clothes. A spokesperson insisted this was not just a major retailer panicking in the face of online competition, [old ad voice] this is M&S panicking in the face of online competition.

A study found people think wine tests better if told it's expensive. It's not clear if this altered perception applies in other areas, although the writer of this joke is being paid 67% more than the others.

A Somerset farmer is marketing horse's milk as a dairy alternative. While a visiting journalist claimed it took a lot of work just to get half a pint, the farmer said, 'That's a stallion'.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
It's been a good week for cellist Yo-Yo Ma who celebrated his COVID vaccination with an impromptu concert for staff at a medical centre in Massachusetts.
It's been a bad week for staff at a clinic in Wiltshire, where Robbie Williams has shown up for his jab.

It's been a good week for electric catfish, with studies proving that they cannot be shocked by anything.
It's been a bad week for fishermen, who'd just spent a fortune on clickbait.

It's been a good week for the Treasury, with the government planning to relax data protection laws to make them more 'business friendly'.
It's been a bad week for Boris Johnson, who's been told how much it's going to cost him to keep his browser history private.

Quote: Dantrobus @ 18th March 2021, 5:40 PM

Congrats Blinkered!

Nothing doing here.

So here are my oneliner rejects:

BREAKING NEWS:

Researchers found that people who don't understand how magic tricks work are more susceptible to false political claims. For example, many Nigel Farage supporters still believe that the European Union has got their nose.

An investigation has found that the makers of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here brought unlicensed crayfish species into north Wales. A spokesperson has since apologised for this shellfish act.

A mother in Pennsylvania allegedly used explicit deepfake photos to get her teenage daughter's cheerleading rivals kicked off the team. Prosecutors said (cheerleader chant style) Gimme a custodial sentence.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
A bad week for police in Sussex who had to disperse a large crowd who had gathered to do a group Hokey Cokey. A worse week for the organisers of the event who said they'd put their whole selves in to it.

A good week for Elon Musk's Chief Financial Officer who is now known as the 'Master of Coin' due to Tesla's Bitcoin investments. But a bad week for small Bitcoin investors who will continue to be known as 'gullible twats'.

A good week for British film stars who received multiple Oscar nominations and have a good chance of bringing home several gold statuettes. A bad week for the police who will have to recruit a load of tiny officers to protect them.

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First series I have ever submitted for. I was permanently furlouged without pay (made redundant) in January so really want to give this comedy writing stuff a go and I got in! Finally, those three weeks of nothing were painful. Hopefully it isn't another 23 series until the next one on!

Dantrobus I really enjoyed the Nigel Farage one. Feels like it might go over some heads!

Blinkered Congrats!

MikeBikes that Matthew McConaughey joke is funny af!

After 3 blank weeks, for the first time ever today I got the 'nearly' email. After around 10-12 one-liners in the show over the years I was surprised as I assumed that just tended to be for sketches. I only manage about 1 sketch every 3 episodes and have never got one on, and I didn't submit one this week.
I didn't even have much inspiration this week just doubled up for the breaking news and GWBW. I will email to hopefully see which of these got cut:

BREAKING NEWS:

With Easter looming chocolate maker Thorntons is closing all it's stores. A spokesman said they'd paid the price for putting all their eggs in one basket.

Scientists have unlocked the mysteries of the worlds oldest computer. Apparently when it was restarted it said 'Please wait - doing updates 1 of 127,489'.

Greggs have announced they are expanding. A spokesman said what better way to show solidarity with our customers.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

It's been a good week for chocolate makers with Easter providing a welcome boost to sales.
It's been a bad week for Thornton's as they closed after putting all their eggs in one basket.

It's been a good week for scientists who have unlocked the mysteries of the world's oldest computer.
It's been a bad week for the same scientists as they have to wait days for it to do all the stored up updates.

It's been a good week for Greggs who have announced that they are expanding.
It's been a bad week for Greggs' customers who are also expanding.

Well done Blinkered and Exe Chris
( and thanks to everyone who contributes on here - seems to have perked up towards the end of the run

My final bad bunch were :

BN ( first one may only work if you remember Bow Wow Wow )

The inventor of the cassette tape has died age 94. His family said they were pleased he'd lived to such a ripe old age - in fact he'd lived to ( sung )..... see 30, see 60, see 90, go

A cigar box that once belonged to Churchill has sold at auction for £79,000. The auctioneer expressed surprise that it had fetched so much, adding ' I didn't know dogs smoked cigars '

Chocolate retailer Thorntons is to close all of it's UK stores, a decision described by customers as hard and dark, with a bitter aftertaste

GWBW

It's been a bad week for The Mash Report after it was axed by the BBC. But a good week for critics who'd argued that for too long there have been far too many cookery programmes on TV

It was a bad week for a German man, who waited two years to take delivery of his new Ferrari, and then crashed it within six hours. It's turned in to a good week , though, as he has only has to wait 18 months for the next one

Thanks pandainstasis, and congrats for getting on the show. It was at the top of the pile for a reason. As I never say: Leave them wanting more.. and then immediately wanting less.

Annoyingly didn't realise the series was back until Monday, scrambled to find news not about the pandemic, then sent off a bunch of half-baked ideas as it was the last ep (a tried and tested method of not getting on in my experience).

I (and quite possibly only I) really think there's something in that second one, just couldn't quite get down what was in my brain on to paper.

I really hope they change up the GW/BW next series as it's my kryptonite. Does anyone know when its back?

Quote: Mikebikes @ 18th March 2021, 9:31 PM

Thanks pandainstasis, and congrats for getting on the show. It was at the top of the pile for a reason. As I never say: Leave them wanting more.. and then immediately wanting less.

Annoyingly didn't realise the series was back until Monday, scrambled to find news not about the pandemic, then sent off a bunch of half-baked ideas as it was the last ep (a tried and tested method of not getting on in my experience).

I (and quite possibly only I) really think there's something in that second one, just couldn't quite get down what was in my brain on to paper.

I really hope they change up the GW/BW next series as it's my kryptonite. Does anyone know when its back?

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I'd imagine it will be around Mid September - maybe we'll get 8 weeks to compensate for the missing two

My first time posting here and my first attempt at submitting.
This has been an amazing find and I've come here every week to see what's happening and to see your one liners and GW/BW
My ( unsuccessful) attempts :
BN: NASA's Perseverance Mars rover listens to its rock zapping laser. The sound of the laser hitting the rocks reveals knowledge such as the hardness of the targets being investigated.
Using this advanced technology , NASA have confirmed their initial theory that Mars' core composition is indeed nougat and caramel with a surface layer of chocolate.

GW/ BW
GW for a pilot vaccination project that saw 2,300 people receive the Covid jab at a drive thru in a single day.
BW for those of the 2,300 who turned up after 10.30am and we're not allowed to order from the breakfast menu.

Looking forward to next series ( with a lot of practice in between! )

Quote: skram @ 18th March 2021, 6:11 PM

2. About 40 people broke lockdown rules in Hastings as they held hands to sing and dance the Hokey Cokey. Police said no arrests were made as every time they tried to step in the crowd stepped out.

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Like this one!

Quote: Mikebikes @ 18th March 2021, 6:26 PM

Matthew McConaughey has upped speculation he'll run for Governor of Texas. Fans were displeased, however, when he debuted his potential campaign slogan: "alt-right, alt-right, alt-right."

Betting company Football Index has entered administration. Fans defended the company, saying they "showed great mental strength", are "too good to go down", and are "not that type of company."

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These two worked for me!

Quote: Turmoil MD @ 18th March 2021, 6:49 PM

A study found people think wine tests better if told it's expensive. It's not clear if this altered perception applies in other areas, although the writer of this joke is being paid 67% more than the others.

A Somerset farmer is marketing horse's milk as a dairy alternative. While a visiting journalist claimed it took a lot of work just to get half a pint, the farmer said, 'That's a stallion'.

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Like the first one. Ashamed to say I spent far too long on the other one trying to work out what word or phrase 'That's a stallion' might be a pun on, until I finally realised that it wasn't a pun and then finally got the joke. This series seems to have broken me.

Quote: Exe Chris @ 18th March 2021, 9:02 PM

Scientists have unlocked the mysteries of the worlds oldest computer. Apparently when it was restarted it said 'Please wait - doing updates 1 of 127,489'.

It's been a good week for scientists who have unlocked the mysteries of the world's oldest computer.
It's been a bad week for the same scientists as they have to wait days for it to do all the stored up updates.

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Congrats on the nearly! I like these - but reckon a much higher number of updates/longer time to wait would maybe make the point land better.

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 18th March 2021, 9:18 PM

The inventor of the cassette tape has died age 94. His family said they were pleased he'd lived to such a ripe old age - in fact he'd lived to ( sung )..... see 30, see 60, see 90, go

A cigar box that once belonged to Churchill has sold at auction for £79,000. The auctioneer expressed surprise that it had fetched so much, adding ' I didn't know dogs smoked cigars '

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Yeah definitely a niche audience for the Bow Wow Wow one! Just listened to the episode and they went with someone's GWBW oneliner on the Churchill story - punchline was, 'a bad week for the person who came second in the auction - close but no cigar'.

Quote: Emdee @ 19th March 2021, 4:26 AM

GW for a pilot vaccination project that saw 2,300 people receive the Covid jab at a drive thru in a single day.
BW for those of the 2,300 who turned up after 10.30am and we're not allowed to order from the breakfast menu.

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Think this GWBW definitely has something. Welcome to the forum, and to the 'joy' of submitting to Newsjack!

Congrats to all those with emails, good to see lots of people on here suddenly and always good to see others' one-liners.

Quote: Exe Chris @ 18th March 2021, 9:02 PM

Greggs have announced they are expanding. A spokesman said what better way to show solidarity with our customers.

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This was my favourite one of those above - I think it's funny as is, but as you've said you got a "nearly" I wonder if it just takes a second to work it out, I was trying to think if there's a more obvious/instant second line? Maybe "A company spokesman said they were trying to better align themselves with their customers" or something?

(As usual I'm wondering where all these stories were when I was looking....!)

Great going Exe Chris and pandainstasis, congrats

Thanks! I see a lot of people say this but what i thought was my weakest joke is the one that got in. (It was the last one, the Mr. Men GWBW)

BREAKING NEWS:

1. American firefighters have rescued a pregnant woman stuck in a lift. When she asked what took so long, they replied the doors were only 2cm dilated when they arrived.
2. A Greek baker created a 60kg loaf of bread to celebrate Great Lent. The baker said he was pleased the bread rose to the occasion.
3. A Florida woman was arrested for pretending to be a plastic surgeon. Her lawyer advised her to turn that frown upside down, but police said she was not qualified to do so.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:

1. A good week for Shaun the Sheep after it was nominated for an Oscar.
A bad week for Shaun the Sheep which had really been after a Baaafta.
2. A good week for Avatar which regained first place in the list of highest grossing movies.
A bad week for Titanic which sunk to third.
3. A good week for Mr. Men who will receive commemorative 50p coins.
A bad week for Little Misses whose coins will be worth 30% less, despite doing the same job.

P.s. if anyone has twitter im there as @joeshortys and happy to follow back!

Well done Pandainstasis

Liked the selections of gwbw's on the show this week- wished I'd thought of the Thorntons one ( 'another layer of shops underneath ' )

Quote: pandainstasis @ 19th March 2021, 2:04 PM

Thanks! I see a lot of people say this but what i thought was my weakest joke is the one that got in. (It was the last one, the Mr. Men GWBW)

3. A Florida woman was arrested for pretending to be a plastic surgeon. Her lawyer advised her to turn that frown upside down, but police said she was not qualified to do so.

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The one above was read out on the recording. Maybe if you get the good email they don't bother to tell you about the "nearly".