Commiserations/Congrats to everyone who submitted! I've tried my hand at Newsjack a few times with mixed results (nowhere near/very far away). In the spirit of (over)sharing, here are my latest rejects:
Matthew McConaughey has upped speculation he'll run for Governor of Texas. Fans were displeased, however, when he debuted his potential campaign slogan: "alt-right, alt-right, alt-right."
(With women feeling unsafe and plans to erect more statues of men) The Conservatives have announced a new slogan that neatly summarises their priorities: Statue. Tory. Rape.
Betting company Football Index has entered administration. Fans defended the company, saying they "showed great mental strength", are "too good to go down", and are "not that type of company."
It's been a bad week for planet earth as Boris Johnson announced a lift on the number of nuclear warheads the UK can stockpile; It's been a good week for fans of Dr Strangelove as getting to ride a bomb will soon be more than a distant possibility.
It's been a good week for Kanye West who has just won his first Grammy Award since urinating on the last one; it's been a bad week for Kanye's cleaner who will presumably have a terrible job to do in the morning.
Good Luck to everyone in the future!