F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox, Playfull, Tiggy, wwwwwwh, Gappy and me for shingling. PM me with a new slut sposa please. Meanwhereas...
Gappy 4
Playfull 1
Next slapperjack: Here is the news
Leg closed: 15.3.21
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
9 1 Wwwwwh, Gappy
7 2 Tiggy
6 3 Playfull
4.5 4 Firkin, Otterfox
2 5 Steve Sunshine, me
1 6 Thief of bad gags, Alfred J Kipper
1: Hello, Craig.
2: Wotcha, mate. Nice to hear from you. Any news?
1: Bit of this, bit of that.
2: [BEAT] That's actually quite vague. What have you specifically been doing?
1: Community service.
2: Oh, yes, for painting swastikas on all those garden gnomes.
1: I told that judge, it's not racist! It's just one of the only shapes I can do.
2: You're just a good old-fashioned vandal aren't you?
1: Yeah, but enough about me, give me your news.
2: I can't give you the news! Like last night - tell you what, mate, I can't remember anything.
1: Musta been good, then!
2: Yeah. Yeah, must. I'm in a bit of pain today, though.
1: Woi-oi! That's how you know you had fun! Gotta pay the price, part of the deal. Brilliant!
2: Yeah. Brilliant. I mean...partly brilliant.
1: So, what was it? Jaegerbombs? Tequila slammers? Eggnog?
2: No. General anaesthetic.
1: Paralytic! Nice one!
2: I suppose. I mean, I was on the operating table for quite a while, and I don't recall any of it,. And now I'm finding recovery quite challenging.
1: Good night out!
2: I mean, it was mostly during the day.
1: Started early? You dirty beast! Did you cop off?
2: No. I had an operation. I'm not sure you're quite getting the full detail, Barry.
1: Oh. So, what did you have done? Appendix, or something?
2: No, not that. A bilateral above-knee amputation.
1: Oh. Sorry to hear that. That's really sad.
2: Yeah. In fact, you could say that yesterday....I got absolutely bloody legless!
1: Whahey! You legend!
V/O Hello this is Patrick Lesse, tonight Venus is coming over the sun...
LIGHTS ON - nude man looking at newspaper, rubbing himself.
V/O I said 'Venus'.
Hello and welcome to Newsnight, where we look at the fallout from the biggest news story of the year. The headlines from that explosive interview:
Meghan accuses the Queen of not curtsying to her.
SFX: BONG!
Meghan accuses press of not photographing her enough.
SFX: BONG!
Meghan upset that she didn't make Kate cry.
SFX: BONG!
Meghan devastated when she found out she won't actually be a Queen one day despite marrying a prince.
SFX: BONG!
Meghan found Frogmore cottage so small she had to keep hopping off to America.
50 MINUTES LATER
And Meghan replied that all she wants to do is save the world and be America's first woman President and she wasn't allowed to do that in the Royal Family. Well, that concludes the biggest news story of the century. And other news quickly before we go:
A new strain of coronavirus kills a hundred million people in one day
Israel bombs Iran
Russia bombs Israel
North Korea bombs South Korea
Twenty six more countries leave the EU
Tigers and elephants become extinct
Vladimar Putin comes out as gay.
Goodnight, and we'll leave you with pictures of that momentous interview from the couple's Californian garden.
BUCKINGHAM PALACE, THE THRONE ROOM. THE QUEEN IS SITTING IN HER THRONE, HER FEET DON'T REACH THE FLOOR AND ARE SWINGING LIKE A THREE-YEAR-OLDS. HARRY ENTERS THE ROOM, APROACHES THE QUEEN AND BOWS DRAMATICALLY LOW.
QUEEN: Don't do it unless you mean it.
HARRY: Of course I mean it Gan, Gran. I have nothing but respect for you and your money. I mean you and you position.
QUEEN: Well while you are over here please pop and see your Dad this time, for my sake.
HARRY: I will, and I'll pop and see Charles as well...
TOGETHER: AGGGGHHHHHH (THEY ARE BOTH EXITEDLY POINTING AT EACH OTHER)
QUEEN: You didn't go there did you?
HARRY: I did, I went straight to it, If I had a mike I would have dropped it by now.
QUEEN: I have no idea what that means, but it sounds stupid enough to be a thing.
HARRY: It's a thing.
QUEEN: I miss this.
HARRY: Me Too.
QUEEN: Not one of them would have the faintest idea how to banter. Let alone throw a mike.
HARRY: Drop a mike. Drop, not throw.
QUEEN: I thought mikes are disposable...Like princes.
HARRY: Ouch, burned.
QUEEN: Or Princesses, Is little mix with you?
HARRY: Now play nice Gan Gran. We don't use terms like that do we?
QUEEN: Why, she is mixed race isn't she?
HARRY: Before we go any further. I would just like to say I actually popped over the water to see Philip.
QUEEN: Philip?
HARRY: Yes.
QUEEN: My Philip?
HARRY: Yes.
QUEEN: Phil the Greek?
HARRY: Yes.
QUEEN: How was he?
HARRY: Sleeping like a baby. The consultant said he might not wake up at all now.
QUEEN: That's good....Er, one means it's good that he isn't suffering.
HARRY: Suffering? No, he's not suffering. He's too busy talking to be suffering.
QUEEN: Talking? How? Talking to who? About what?
HARRY: It is amazing what you can find in Andrews Medicine cabinet - once you get the child lock open. Perked Philip up no end. Opera was having a hard time getting any questions in at all. So it is funny you should have mentioned Mixing. Turns out there has been quite a lot of it over the years. From Charlie Chaplin to Errol Flynn, From the 1966 England world cup winning football team to Dale Winton. And it turns out "Is that you Linford" is not actually a joke is it Gan Gran.
QUEEN: You will destroy the whole Royal family. Why?
HARRY: It's what we all deserve....but don't worry. Megan hated the whole Princess thing...
QUEEN: That's a relief.
HARRY: Yes, Queen Megan sounds so much better.
QUEEN: How do you expect us to arrange that?
HARRY: I don't know, but I am sure it will be easy compared to - Opera wanting to be made a Princess.
FX: BONG!
HUMPHRYS: Here is the news at 6 o'clock. Today, the prime minister...
FX: BONG!
HUMPHRYS: I've started so I'll finish. Today the prime minister...
FX: BONG!
HUMPHRYS: Alexa, snooze alarm. Today, the prime minister...
FX: PAPERS RUSTLING
HUMPHRYS: We interrupt this programme to bring you some breaking news.
FX: CAR SCREECH / CRASH
HUMPHRYS: Coming up later. Have you heard the good news?
FX: HALLELUJAH!
HUMPHRYS: Now the shipping forecast. B3.
FX: BOOM!
HUMPHRYS: F4.
FX: BOOM!
HUMPHRYS: C6.
FX: BOOM!
SAILOR: Argh!
HUMPHRYS: A quick recap of the main stories.
FX: SHIP'S HORN
CAPTAIN: Haul anchor!
HUMPHRYS: Today, the prime minist.... eeuaa---- arrgh!!! [flies across screen]
A ROVING REPORTER IS DESPERATELY SEEKING SOMEONE TO INTERVIEW AND SCANS THE MAIN STREET OF A RURAL VILLAGE.
INTERVIEWER(to cameraman):
It looks like the director is going to run with Clark Lawrences' interview with Furkan Swift. Stupid Clark bloody Lawrence yet again! Let's blow him out of the water and get a flippin' brilliant one today.
A TYPICAL FARMER APPROACHES...
INTERVIEWER:
Hi, are you interesting?
JOHN:
Well I could tell you an interesting story....(with vigour) Many moons ago when I was but a snapper, no; a whippet, no. What was I?
INTERVIEWER:
Piss off!
HE KICKS JOHN OUT OF SHOT.
HE APPROACHES ANOTHER MAN (TOM).
INTERVIEWER:
Excuse me?
TOM (thinks he is offering him the microphone):
(Grateful) Aw thanks!
HE TAKES THE MICROPHONE AND BEGINS WALKING AWAY.
INTERVIEWER RUNS AFTER HIM.
INTERVIEWER:
Give me the microphone back you feckin eejit!
INTERVIEWER GRABS THE MICROPHONE TURNS AND STARES INTO THE DISTANCE.
INTERVIEWER:
What in the name of question marks!!!???
THE CAMERA PANS TO WHERE THE INTERVIEWER IS LOOKING. WE SEE A STRANGE MAN APPROACHING. HE IS WEARING CANVAS SHORTS, A SHIRT AND TIE, LONG BLACK SOCKS AND BOOTS.
INTERVIEW:
Hello there..am..what are you?
STRANGE MAN (HUGO):
I'm just back...on the move for many years I was. My colleagues and I spent the last few years conquering each of the fabled Peaks of Palacuna. Hugo Wings' the name.
INTERVIEWER (ENTHUSIASTIC):
Great, great and what was...wait a moment; Hugo Wing? Part of the 'Peak Performers'; set out six years ago in the most daring climb ever conceived: to climb the seven peaks of the dreaded Palacuna region. Hugo Wing, Tony Bongojaw and Hoohar Derrerero - 'The Three Mountaineers'.
HUGO:
Yes, that's what they called me. They said I had it all, mountaineering, climbing and going up. 'The Three Mountaineers Tony and Hoohar' - that's what we were known as.
INTERVIEWER:
So where are the others?
HUGO:
I'm afraid I am the sole survivor. Bongojaw and Derrerero met a fate worse than death...equal to death...am death.
INTERVIEWER:
That is a pity I suppose but did you do it? Did you conquer the seven peaks?
HUGO:
I conquered all seven peaks and I even have the spoons to prove it.
HE HOLDS OUT SEVEN SPOONS.
HUGO:
I brought these spoons with me and I used one for a victory meal at the summit of each of the seven peaks.
INTERVIEWER:
Amazing. No one has ever ventured into the Palacuna region before. What did you find? Where did you go? What happened to Tony and Hoohar?
HUGO:
It was a strange place. We saw it all. Golden rivers, statues only visible in sunlight, a perfectly square duck. At one point Crivenden mountain inverted in on itself and became a molehill. We found ourselves trapped with a squadron of otters that had some of the loveliest hair-cuts I had ever seen.
They were slicked to the side, slicked to the other side, more had that sort of tousled look. Pomade and hair gel everywhere. Very well groomed, absolutely lovely.
After four day we were rescued by a fox with a handlebar moustache and tweed cap. He called himself 'the hunter Jack Steed'. He took us back to his place and shows us his collection of rare artefacts.
It was truly astounding. A pair of owls hands, a monkey's shoe, a jar full of hare's breath.
INTERVIEWER:
Wow this is bloody gold! (addressing cameraman) are you getting this?
(back to Hugo) So what happened Tony and Hoohar?
HUGO:
Well the very next day we set out for peak number five; The Bishops Candle. We began noticing signs telling us not to observe arguments and in-fighting between the animals. We thought nothing of it and soon came across a heated argument between a woodpecker and a squirrel.
I couldn't make out everything they were saying but I got the gist of it. The woodpecker was going mental tututuut(woodpecker sounds) and then the squirrel was all (squeak sounds). The woodpecker naturally didn't like that one bit and went (more animated) tutututututut.
The squirrel was just pulling out a machete when Bongojaw sneezed. In seconds we were completely surrounded. They were all there; Brogue-footed monkeys, stripy lions, the lovely-haired otters.
I was the first to react. I quickly looked the other way and I started breathing into a bush full of geese. Luckily they engaged me in conversation about the posture of badgers.
Bongojaw was taken by the otters and they placed him in a barbers chair.
INTERVIEWER:
What did they do? Stab him with a scissors?
HUGO:
No, nothing like that. They washed his sidelocks, they measured his fringe and then just...(solemnly) just combed his hair to death.
Derrerero went much quicker. He got stung by lions.
INTERVIEWER:
Stung by lions? Stung?
HUGO:
Yes they have tails don't they. I had escaped but was lost without my friends. I spent the next two weeks crying into my biscuits.
With a heavy heart I climbed the last two peaks and now here I am.
INTERVIEWER:
This is unbelievable! This is..what a find!
INTERVIEWER LOOKS AT CAMERA AGAIN.
INTERVIEWER:
You're getting all this?
CAMERAMAN TILTS THE CAMERA SLIGHTLY MORE TOWARDS THE INTERVIEWER.
INTERVIEWER:
Why did you tilt the camera then? You did get that interview didn't you?
CAMERAMAN:
Yeah I got it from the very start.
INTERVIEWER:
The very start of this interview?
CAMERAMAN:
Ye...ah the very start. The interview at the very start.....with the first guy.
WE PAN OUT TO SEE JOHN(FIRST INTERVIEWEE) STILL WAFFLING ON ABOUT BEING A SNAPPER OR A WHIPPET.
INTERVIEWER (TO HUGO):
Just stay there one moment I'd like to ask you a couple of more questions.
INTERVIEWER APPROACHES THE CAMERAMAN.
INTERVIEWER(annoyed):
What did you record?
INTERVIEWER (OFF CAMERA) EMITS A RANGE OF EXPLETIVES.
INTERVIEWER:
It's okay. We'll just go through the questions with him again.
CAMERAMAN:
Hugo's gone.
INTERVIEWER GOES OFF ON ANOTHER EXPLETIVE RANT. THE SCREEN GOES BLANK.
CUT TO INTERVIEWER. TODAY WE GOING TO HEAR AN ABSOLUTELY AMAZING STORY FROM A TRULY INCREDIBLE MAN.
PAN OUT TO REVEAL JOHN.
INTERVIEWER:
So John what were you called when you were young?
JOHN:
Well it all depended if it was before or after my mother swept the floor. Some days she wouldn't sweep it 'til, God surely nine or ten at night. On occasion I could be gone to bed before she called me anything...this other time there was a blade of grass in my shoe...
INTERVIEWER THROWS HIS MICROPHONE OVER HIS SHOULDER AND RUNS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.
END.
I'd vote for everyone but Otterfox just pips it.
Interesting one for me, because I really dislike current affairs satire, for the most part (hence why my own sketch was so loosely related to the theme). Just a question of taste, really.
Still, I actually thought Playfull's original one-liner was really elegant, and I may well have voted for that. But I can see why it was thought that a full sketch is better value for money, as it were.
I'm not averse to a mixture of pun and smut, so I like Michael's; it's just that I don't think "come over the sun" is an actual astronomical idiom ("transit across the sun"??).
Otter's is bonkers, and I'm still not sure I took it all in (need another couple of reads through). There are certainly some glorious lines and images. As it was entered after the deadline, I guess it makes my job easier.
So, probably the Ws for me this week. Not the best sketch they've shared with us, but quick and energetic - I can see Kenny Everett delivering some of that.
I'll go for Gappy - it's a dumb joke but it's well structured.
Michael - not sure this quite works, maybe needs a touch more - massaging?
Kipper - I get the main point, bit unclear on your exact take as you could be satirising either Meghan or the headlines about Meghan, or both.
Playfull - Some nice characterisation, but I'm not sure I understood all of it - personally, if I were writing about race, I wouldn't want to leave any room for ambiguity.
Offerfox - Lots of interesting visuals, but I'm not sure I get why Interviewer was so much more keen on Hugo's insane ramblings than anyone else's.
Some really nice stuff, thoughtful and smart. I go for Alf, just because as i started reading it i thought that's just how i feel'
Gappy i moved the joke because i was thinking about putting it up for Newsjack... But as usual ran out of time - have posted it in Tell us a joke.
and here -
In Breaking news...The Queen apologises as Meghan Markle proven right, after pea found under mattress.
I'm with Gappy. Political and social commentary isn't really my go-to source for material. I do appreciate people who can though and liked both the Meghan Markle sketches, I'll go for Mr. Kipper on this occasion.
Very kind of you, enjoyed your long adventure story and wwwwwh's bongs and booms and I'm a John Humphries fan but I thought it ended just a bit too quickly but the contrast of the two was good. I don't think splitting points is very practical or popular so my whole point goes to Playfull for also picking what I thought was the greatest non news story of the year at the same time as being the most damaging. The highpoint was the subtle reference to Captain Hewitt, love it. I wouldn't want to be Harry even for 20million dollars for three hours work. Morning.