F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox, Playfull, Tiggy, wwwwwwh, Gappy and me for shingling. PM me with a new slut sposa please. Meanwhereas...
Playfull, Gappy, Otterfox, Tiggy, wwwwwwwwwwwwwwh, me 1
Next slapperjack: Heat (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 18.2.21
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
9 1 Wwwwwh
7 2 Tiggy
5 3 Playfull, Gappy
4.5 4 Firkin, Otterfox
2 5 Steve Sunshine, me
1 6 Thief of bad gags, Alfred J Kipper
Bump
Quote: playfull @ 25th February 2021, 11:45 PMBump
Even odder than your last entry, mate 
Anyway...
SABRINA: Sorry I'm a bit late! Hop in.
JOHN: Will do. Nice new motor, Sabrina.
SABRINA: Yep, had it about a fortnight - still smells new! Plus, I got all the luxuries.
JOHN: Yes, I can tell: heated seats!
SABRINA: And..?
JOHN: Err...oh! Heated footwell!
SABRINA: Any car worth its salt has a heated footwell nowadays. Also, heated windscreen, of course.
JOHN: Naturally. Plus...is the door heated?
SABRINA: Oh, yeah. Heated doors, heated door handles, heated gearstick, heated glovebox.
JOHN: That's mad! So, what, I suppose it has a heated cigarette lighter or something?
SABRINA: All cigarette lighters are heated, John.
JOHN: Fair enough. But, what I meant was, is everything heated?
SABRINA: Pretty much. Rather swish, wouldn't you say?
JOHN: Yes. Very impressive. It's just a pity we live in Death Valley. [BEAT] Can I open a window?
SABRINA: No. Must admit, that's one thing I didn't check in the specs.
JOHN: Ah.
SABRINA: But don't worry, we've got air conditioning.
JOHN: Great! [PAUSE, THE DEJECTED] Oh.
SABRINA: Yep. It's heated.
BLOKE (on phone) Look not tonight, I'm tired... No I can't be arsed, I have had technically speakin' a bleedin' long day, I just wanna stay here and relax okay? Ah forget it, you don't want to understand.
He hangs up...
Phone rings again, he picks it up:
BLOKE Hello, London Firefighters.
INTERVIEW STUDIO. WELL-TO-DO ELDERLY MAN (OLIVER) IS BEING INTERVIEWED.
INTERVIEWER:
...And where did the idea for the book start?
OLIVER:
I'm afraid you've rather caught me on the hop. Bear with me a moment while I put on
my glasses.
INTERVIEWER:
Ah, you like to see who you're talking to.
OLIVER:
No, I can't see a bloody thing in them. These are in fact reading glasses which helps
me to read the situation.
INTERVIEWER:
Okay, so the idea for the book...
OLIVER:
It all came together one cold and frosty night as I was sitting under the fire. It was-
INTERVIEWER:
Sorry; under the fire? I'm sure you mean in front of the fire?
OLIVER:
Yes, I don't mean that at all. I mean under the fire.
NTERVIEWER:
And why did you sit, as you call it, under the fire?
OLIVER:
Well it was warm. We're talking the early years of one of the decades and it was
freezing, frigid weather. I'd burrowed a kind of foxhole underneath the grate and it
was that that got me thinking-
INTERVIEWER:
And when did the Cornelius epiphany come to you?
OLIVER:
I'm coming to that in my own roundabout way. It was that that got me thinking about
all the Corneliai that I'd come into contact with. Two immediately stood out. As my
hair began to singe I came to the conclusion that all Corneliai were hotheads.
INTERVIEWER:
Short tempered.
OLIVER:
No, roasting heads. I was in the scouts with a chap called Cornelius Balfour. We
were about to set up camp when all the fire lighting equipment fell into a river but we
still managed to set a blazing fire by using his head as a match. A few years lat-
INTERVIEWER:
But how did you-
OLIVER:
Let me continue my outlandish story. A few years later one of the wars broke out. I
was drafted and found myself in the same company as a Cornelius Carmody. Corny
was a lovely chap. He came in one day with his head shaved. The whole thing
completely shorn. His eyebrows, eyelashes, even his ears; as was the fashion at the
time.
With his bald head shining in the moonlight we noticed a fairly detailed map
stretching from one ear to the other. We decided to follow it and found that it lead us
deep behind enemy lines just south of the Eagles Nest. Essentially we could use his
headquarters (points at head) to find their headquarters. On the darkest of nights his
head was used as a torch and when we were in grave danger we could fire him into
the night sky and use him as a flare. He was a true hero and you felt safe just knowing he
was there.
Back at our barracks a couple of months later he comes running up to me with his head
in flames. He was in a blind panic. I must have asked him sixty seven times what
was wrong with him but he wouldn't talk in the traditional fashion. It was all roaring
with him. About ten minutes later he dropped in a heap right in front of me.
INTERVIEWER:
Did you ever find out?
OLIVER:
Find out what?
INTERVIEWER:
What was wrong with him?
OLIVER:
If I were to guess I'd say mumps. There's not a day that goes by when I think about
the Corneliai that I don't think about them. I crawl under my fire and I shed two single tears.
One for each and wait for the searing heat of the fire to burn them off my
face. I feel it's what they would have wanted.
INTERVIEWER:
The book; Cornelius and I-
OLIVER:
'-and Cornelius and I.
INTERVIEWER:
Yes I was just saying that. The book 'Cornelius and I-
OLIVER:
You're not saying the second bit. It's Cornelius and I-
INTERVIEWER:
-And Cornelius and I.
BEAT.
OLIVER:
You're still only saying it once. I even gave you a chance that time to see if you
would say it right.
INTERVIEWER:
I have the book in front of me, I know what it's called.
OLIVER:
Well you obviously can't read.
INTERVIEWER TRIES NOT TO REACT TO THE INSULT.
INTERVIEWER: (INSULTED)
Join us next week when I'll be speaking to-
OLIVER:
It's 'Cornelius and I AND Cornelius and I.'
INTERVIEWER: (LOUDER)
When I'll be speaking to Barry Siskin-
OLIVER:
That's the name of my book. The one he couldn't say.
INTERVIEWER:
Barry Siskin, tells us about his book documenting his survival in the jungles of Peru
whilst suffering from eye bunions.
OLIVER:
Available in all good bookshops...MINE...Cornelius and I and-
INTERVIEW:
-Cornelius and I.
BEAT.
OLIVER: (ANNOYED)
And Cornelius and I!
END.
HEAT
FANCY BAR IN CHICAGO. SITTING FACING EACH OTHER IN A BOOTH ARE ROBERT DE NIRO AND AL PACINO. THE BAR IS NOISY AND CROWDED.
Robert: I do what I gotta do.
Al: I do what I gotta do...too.
Robert: I am just saying...
Al: Say what you gotta say...
Robert: It's just the way it's gotta be...
Al: Are we waying or saying...
Robert: Hey, give it a name...
Al: Hay...
Robert: Ayyyy...
Al: Aaaaaaaaa....
Robert: It is what it is...
Al : It is.
Robert: What is?
Al: 'It'...where were we?
Robert: I was saying, I gotta do....
Al: Oh yeah. So, if you were doing what you do?
Robert: What I do?
Al: Yeah, and I see you doing it? What would you do?
Robert: I would put you down.
Al: You would put me down?
Robert: In a heartbeat, I would put you down.
Al: What would you say?
Robert: What?
Al: What would you say to put me down?
Robert: I wouldn't say anything...
Al: You would ignore me, now that would really hurt me...
Robert: I mean I would kill you!
Al: Well, that's a bit harsh...
ROBERT: I do what I gotta do...I would put you in the ground.
Al: Yous talkin to me?
Robert: Tell it to the worms...
Al: Bada Bing!
Robert: Goombah!
Al: Boat drinks?
Robert: Buckwheat!
Al: I'm glad we had this little chance to talk....
Robert: Buckwheat capeech?
Al: I think we understand each other.
AL STANDS AND EXAGERATEDLY SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS
Al: (VERY LOUD) Who Haaa!
AL LEAVES
Robert: (TO SELF) Wrong film segaiolo!
Inside THIS WEEK'S edition of HEAT MAGAZINE!!!
Lily James UNDRESSES TO IMPRESS! Isn't she cold in that?
Scarlett Johansson WEARS COAT INDOORS! She won't feel the benefit!
Kim gives Kanye the THIRD DEGREE - burns! (Story is not based on fact.)
MEG-SASTER! Meghan Markle gets her gas bill, and it's more than she thought!
Are you HOT OR NOT? Take our thermometer test to find out!
HOLIDAYS! 15 travel destinations where you'll sweat profusely!
GAZZA in tepid pizza shame!
CENTIGRADE: Is it time for a comeback?
Experience: I tried living for a day at an ambient temperature of 17 degrees ***THIS IS MY STORY***
Global warming! What's not to LOVE?
EXCLUSIVE: Shania Twain on how to keep warm in the MIDDLE of the night!
219 degrees - the SECRET temperature recipe books won't tell you about!
Dancing on ice - BRRRRRR!!!
GOING UP IN FLAMES: why you shouldn't immediately burn this magazine! We can't think of any earthly reason.
Bumper crop... Gappy please.
All good but yes Gappy, Bada Bing!
I liked Otter's lunacy and W's parody, but I think I'll vote for Playfull's Spitting Image style pastiche silliness - also, I enjoyed the puzzle of fathoming out where the theme came in.
It's a Parady of one of my favourite film scenes, from the film 'Heat'. Competitive acting at it's testosterone dripping best. Mixed in with a little 'Things to do in Denver when you are dead', the Sopranos and a reference to 'Scent of a woman' at the end. A point for each one you recognised.
NOTE; Points have no cash value and cannot be exchanged.
Quote: playfull @ 3rd March 2021, 1:05 PMIt's a Parady of one of my favourite film scenes, from the film 'Heat'. Competitive acting at it's testosterone dripping best. Mixed in with a little 'Things to do in Denver when you are dead', the Sopranos and a reference to 'Scent of a woman' at the end. A point for each one you recognised.
NOTE; Points have no cash value and cannot be exchanged.
I have seen ....Denver... but didn't pick up any reference. Worked out that it was Heat about 30 seconds after finishing reading. So, I enjoyed it as a little quiz 
I'll go for Gappy again, though I appreciated Playfull's pastiche even if I didn't quite get all the references...
Felt Gappys was the most solid. Some nice exchanges in it that made me titter. Yep, Gappy for me.