Ha ha. Someone I knew who hated cleaning hired a live in au pair for a year. I said Why did you spend thousands when it would've cost 20 quid for a cleaning lady to pop in? Then a 19 year old Swedish blond appeared with a mop in her hand. I said Au what a Pair.
My dad likes cleaning boys. They aren't so keen on it.
He said she hadn't quite got the hang of his Geordie accent, she asked what he wanted from her for Christmas and he ended up with ten pairs of socks.
My dad keeps going on about his dribbly arsehole. He can put a sock in it.
This was a joke in a Christmas cracker.
Now can someone explain it to me? Am I being thick? Is it lost in translation? Or is it just really weak?
What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take?
Con medicine.
Made a date with a vampire but he wasn't on time. Must be the late Count Dracula.
A gunslinger is drinking at the bar of his local saloon when a stranger walks in and stands next to him. They start talking and the stranger asks the gunslinger his name.
'Terry' replies the gunslinger.
'That's a girl's name', says the stranger, with a laugh.
The gunslinger pulls his gun and shoots the stranger, who falls to the floor. The doctor rushes in, pronounces death and fills out the death certificate. Cause of death: Dissin' Terry.
Quote: Chappers @ 27th December 2020, 3:07 PMThis was a joke in a Christmas cracker.
Now can someone explain it to me? Am I being thick? Is it lost in translation? Or is it just really weak?
What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take?
Con medicine.
I suspect it has got garbled, possibly in a factory in the far east. I'd imagine it's supposed to be a variant on the coffin/coughing gag.
I was once at a large event where the cheap crackers all had the answers mixed up on the jokes. Trying to work out what they should be was by far the most fun I've ever had from a Christmas cracker.
How do you get a guy to cross the road?
You don't! You get down from a duck!
What's the difference between LinkedIn and LinkedIn Premium? 20 quid a month.
What does Roger Waters do? He waters!
What does Tom Waits do? He waits!
What does a gypsy do? F**k all. F**king gypsy innit.
You have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch my dad out. He's a milkman.
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 4th January 2021, 3:24 PMYou have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch my dad out. He's a milkman.
That moment when you've just collapsed on your bed after a night out clubbing and minutes later you hear the faint sound of the milk float and know you're wasting your life. Having a f**king amazing social life in the process but still not wise.
My small and errant grandson has tried to swallow the iPhone I got him for Christmas and now it's stuck in his throat.
I'll wring his f**king neck
It was my son who bonked you. - Yer kiddin' me.