British Comedy Guide

BCG Fantasy Premier League 2020/21 Page 27

So, yes, I have been discussing this forum with the next Archbishop of Canterbury, Marcus Aurelius Rashford, and he said, I know, why don't you spend the week travelling around Britain on a Covid free horse to teach and feed the uneducated paupers and then we shall sit down together, break bread and discuss theosophy. So a week on Dobbin took me from Mevagissey to Nairn which is pronounced Nurn and I flung books and jammy dodgers to all of the Conservative voters as they ran out of their hovels wailing "oh yea, oh yea, he has come" before returning from the wilderness to discuss real life with the chosen one on bended knee. It's all a bit Minneapolis for me but, hey, we live in the most delightful global empire.

And where we were, just the two of us on the centre spot at Old Trafford, he said verily it is fine to be doing the effs and the blinding and the handicaps and the inevitable demise and the Roy Chubby Browns and even the fantasists' football stickers from The Sun but do not thou spake of bodily functioning. Or dysfunction. Or anything between the two like not scoring enough goals while also striving to be the new Prime Minister in a Labour Government like what I does. It's just too liquid and where the sun rarely tends to shine. Tell you what. Why don't you get out the unique Bible wot you penned and select a suitable number of verses for these times. I said "Young Marcus, You may just be right". So here they are:

Deutophesolicians 1

23. And then Japhrek who was the son of Bodleming, the great nephew of Aubameyang and the unfeasible father of Diagana came down from the Mount of Oxfam on his oxen, the great grandfather of Mount. 24. Lo, he stretched his small arms toward the heavens so that they became longer and longer and longer and longer and longer and even longer than words can do so they were above the clouds while the quarantined were on their bellies six feet distant so that only their toe nails touched his toe nails. Rather alluringly.

25. And as the bush of Lampard was all aflame, those small arms reached ever higher until they were touching the sun after which the moon and in turn each one of the stars. 26. Over 40 days and 27 nights, his hands clasped each one and to each he spake I have chosen thou. 27. And so first the sun in his hands was drawn ever closer to him as his arms shortened and shortened and shortened and shortened even to a point where no words were relevant as they were just their normal length again. 28. Then he put the sun into his mouth and ate it so that he enunciated "it is all that has gone before me ever since the pools".

29. Next , he did this with the moon too, reaching out into the light beyond light and then with each planet to Uranus and the great dog Pluto, pulling them towards him as his mind became flaccid, ingesting, as he did with every one of the stars. 30. And then to the crossroads on which he was slaughtered by disbelieving everyday speeding motorists, though suddenly there arose a hologram of Roy Hodgson standing ethereally next a bath. 31. Hodgson was singing E lucevan le stelle from Tosca to Malcolm Allison and a bunch of page 3 models, all wearing fedoras as Simon Jordan was playing modestly on a harp, not talking money.

32. And then a god said "Japhek, I shall comfort thou. You may think you are a guardian of your teddy bear and the petals of the flowers are without aphids and the solar system is in the command of your digestive tract and you can sell your story to 19th Century philanthropists and you alone can comprehend the new penalty rules. 33. I think you shall find that you are surrounded by populations whose guts are pouring bloodily into the soil and whose hearts are being devoured by two headed monsters. The ice caps are collapsing onto their heads through the bogs of their last remaining aeroplanes and all the contrails.

34. The effluent invades their veins and it comes from a tiny olive which is a mere virus. 35. It rips families asunder and hides the genitals, male and female, under bubble bath at Crystal Palace. 36. Everyone's arteries shall burst on the A303 under a cloud of nuclear armageddon. No delicate baby or the maimed or the despairing shall be saved. This is the truth and I am the only vaccine. 37. No walk above a cliff to a cornish pasty shop shall ever make your plate of the universe more digestible. 38. Turn only to me or forever wear the hat of a football manager in more babe-licious times who knew his Puccini from his Verdi and worked a cigar to ever lasting life. 39. So it was maiden aunts returned to knitting their bigger picture.

Yes?

Sorry....I am on 1471......I am a very busy person but will ring back later. :)

Hoping for a Leeds clean sheet unlikely but it is Arsenal so anything is possible

A Bamford goal wouldn't go a miss either

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ 22nd November 2020, 5:02 PM

Hoping for a Leeds clean sheet unlikely but it is Arsenal so anything is possible

A Bamford goal wouldn't go a miss either

As a Gooner, couldn't agree more.

Wasn't Arsene smashjng with Lauren Laverne and her non Radio 4 enunciation this morning?

For the record, she pronounced the late Leo Ferre who has an accent on the e as Ferr-ay and he, eruite and French said Ferre as in Fair. I've long known this. Don't ask me why. I was just told off. It must be regional. Anyhow, what he didn't say was that Ferre was an anarchist and then he chose him as his one disc, Quite right too - and indicative of his individuality in my persuasion - but not for that reason. The bloke was clearly someone with the most emotionally attractive face next to farm animals. I don't kiss, I just look.

Utterly fantastic.

It has been with me since the 1990s when I was at UN Geneva saving Britain from nuclear obliteration.

Léo Ferré - Avec le Temps:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZH7dG0qyzyg

But for a few millimetres of paint on the post I may have got a twofer
but I'll take the clean sheet

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ 22nd November 2020, 6:37 PM

But for a few millimetres of paint on the post I may have got a twofer
but I'll take the clean sheet

Nope, I'm effing great at outreach but I'm also a thicky and didn't quite get that one.

Also, I've got bloody Jupiter in my pants.

I nearly had a clean sheet plus a Bamford goal two for one ( Twofer )
but just a clean sheet for my defender
Apologies Horse if my post was obfuscatory

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ 22nd November 2020, 7:02 PM

I nearly had a clean sheet plus a Bamford goal two for one ( Twofer )
but just a clean sheet for my defender
Apologies Horse if my post was obfuscatory

I always appreciate civility, Steve,

You are always very welcome to visit me.

In fact, if you have nothing to do at Christmas, I may be your ultimate salvation.

I do a Chrimble tree, pigs in blankets and all the other full trimmings.

Jack Grealish will be here actually. So it won't be just the two of us.

I did have to take a late transfer hit after remembering Salah had Covid
But it worked out ok 4 points wise

A good week for you, Steve, putting your points in the team instead of the bench is probably the way forward. And I see playing in a proper league has made you take the game seriously again (not give up after week 3). Which is more than can be said for Don. Morning.

Image
Quote: A Horseradish @ 22nd November 2020, 6:23 PM

Wasn't Arsene smashjng with Lauren Laverne and her non Radio 4 enunciation this morning?

For the record, she pronounced the late Leo Ferre who has an accent on the e as Ferr-ay and he, eruite and French said Ferre as in Fair.

Lauren Lavern is a braindead shithead.

The BBC is not quite degraded enough for her to seem like a normal appointment, but it's close. I have a letter from Arsene Wenger wishing me a happy birthday - true story.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ 22nd November 2020, 7:02 PM

I nearly had a clean sheet plus a Bamford goal two for one ( Twofer )
but just a clean sheet for my defender
Apologies Horse if my post was obfuscatory

You did well enough, Sunshine.

Although a Bamford goal would have also benefitted me.

Thought I'd played a blinder this week using my Free Hit chip to cover Salah's covid holiday, but most of my exotic additions didn't do shit. Got to see Son and Digne racking up points and my reluctant Fernandes captaincy looked like a mistake for a while.

Scooted up the table but I am still stuck behind Shaggy and he's the BCG wooden spoon holder.

Quote: Hercules Grytpype Thynne @ 23rd November 2020, 8:55 AM

I know you have glaucoma, but can you please post smaller images. They're disturbing enough without being billboard size.

You probably don't do requests, but on the off chance you do, can I request humour that isn't focussed on physical morbidity or freakishness? We've had an axe in the head, people wearing each other's hair, people with their arms cut off and their eyebrows shaved and now a manager with terrifying gigantic tombstone teeth.

I'm sure this won't strike any kind of chord with you, but don't you think it's a good idea to space the visual humour out a bit - maybe post one when the mood is right or something funny occurs in a game?

Quote: Godot Taxis @ 23rd November 2020, 9:25 AM
Quote: Hercules Grytpype Thynne @ 23rd November 2020, 8:55 AM

You probably don't do requests, but on the off chance you do, can I request humour that isn't focussed on physical morbidity or freakishness? We've had an axe in the head..............

That is now deleted as you know for which I expressed regret, so that doesn't count

Quote: Godot Taxis @ 23rd November 2020, 9:25 AM
Quote: Hercules Grytpype Thynne @ 23rd November 2020, 8:55 AM

You probably don't do requests, but on the off chance you do, can I request humour that isn't focussed on physical morbidity or freakishness?...........people wearing each other's hair............

That's a bit dismissive. It was topical as Bale had just come back to Spurs and I was highlighting a possible idol worship, even amongst the rest of the team.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ 23rd November 2020, 9:25 AM
Quote: Hercules Grytpype Thynne @ 23rd November 2020, 8:55 AM

You probably don't do requests, but on the off chance you do, can I request humour that isn't focussed on physical morbidity or freakishness?........... people with their arms cut off and their eyebrows shaved.........

Again topical as there was a furore going on about stray arms being picked up by VAR, and I added the loss of eyebrows (not eyelashes - as you yourself had already said this)

Quote: Godot Taxis @ 23rd November 2020, 9:25 AM
Quote: Hercules Grytpype Thynne @ 23rd November 2020, 8:55 AM

You probably don't do requests, but on the off chance you do, can I request humour that isn't focussed on physical morbidity or freakishness? ................. and now a manager with terrifying gigantic tombstone teeth.

That's just a personal one for me that I thought might strike a chord with others as whenever I see him, his teeth dominate.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ 23rd November 2020, 9:25 AM
Quote: Hercules Grytpype Thynne @ 23rd November 2020, 8:55 AM

I'm sure this won't strike any kind of chord with you....................

Well thanks a bunch - I love you too. I really don't know why I bother. Don't even get an E for effort. :(

Quote: Godot Taxis @ 23rd November 2020, 9:25 AM
Quote: Hercules Grytpype Thynne @ 23rd November 2020, 8:55 AM

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but don't you think it's a good idea to space the visual humour out a bit - maybe post one when the mood is right or something funny occurs in a game?

See below, perhaps your good old boys can pick up the baton

Quote: Godot Taxis @ 23rd November 2020, 9:25 AM
Quote: Hercules Grytpype Thynne @ 23rd November 2020, 8:55 AM

I know you have glaucoma, but can you please post smaller images. They're disturbing enough without being billboard size.

Well I don't think they are excessive in size, but am open to other's opinions - will be academic though, as I'm not bothering anymore so that won't be a worry to you.

At least I'm making an effort - some in the league don't even post.

Let someone else have a go, and again perhaps one of your old clique (?) might appeal to you more.
IF
you can get them to bother......................

Actually, Mr Klopp has taken the mickey out of his own teeth.
He knows the implants are very bright.
Commentators have also joked with him about them and he has taken it in good grace, laughing along with them.
We don't see his tear soaked pillow though :)

Quote: Godot Taxis @ 23rd November 2020, 9:12 AM

Lauren Lavern is a braindead shithead.

The BBC is not quite degraded enough for her to seem like a normal appointment, but it's close. I have a letter from Arsene Wenger wishing me a happy birthday - true story.

Yes.....and WOW, YES!!!!

(Geneprovelations 2 : 17)

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