Yes. C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy and wwwwwh for shingling. PM myself with a new slut please. Meanwhereas...
Next slapperjack: Jigsaws (chosen by Wwwh).
Leg closed: 10.11.20
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
4 1 Wwwwh, Gappy
1 2 Playfull
Meat and vegetarian antics like vodka 2 - 10.11.20
RED: Hey, man, good gig tonight.
MILES: [NON-COMMITAL] Meh.
RED: What's up, Miles, we were smoking.
MILES: Yeah, mostly. It's just...you know when the crowd applauded?
RED: No.
MILES: Sure you do. When they clapped my solo.
RED: Which song?
MILES: Bye Bye Blackbird.
RED: Which set?
MLES: The second.
RED: Right. First or second time we played it?
MILES: Second.
RED: Man, we got to learn some new tunes. And, which solo?
MILES: The twelfth.
RED: Cool. So...what about it?
MILES: Well, they clapped it. And it was a bad solo.
RED: Never mind.
MILES: No, but what I mean is, jazz is a jigsaw, except half the pieces are missing and someone's put in some Meccano, Miss Scarlet and the bath out of Mouse Trap, but we put it together to see whether it works.
RED: Right.
MILES: But...they clap every solo, every time. Even if they're bad. Like, even if our jigsaw doesn't look like the Fighting Temeraire when we put it together, just a jumble of bits. And a bath. So, I was thinking...does that mean they...can't tell what's good?
RED: Yeah, probably. The crowd don't know shit, they just clap anything.
MILES: That's a downer, man. They don't appreciate it - that's why I only did 14 solos on that version. I don't want to play music for dumbasses. I think I'll go back on the smack.
RED: No, don't do that! They probably did know it was a bad solo, they were just being polite.
MILES: Polite? It's not polite to start clapping in the middle of a song? If I have to play for guys like that, I think I'll go back on the smack.
RED: Please don't.
MILES: Why can't they be more like classical audiences, and just think, Oh, nice oboe, then clap at the end? Those guys don't clap in the middle - they don't clap even in the silent bit between movements where you're clearly supposed to clap, they're that nice.
RED: Hey, man, it could be worse. You know what audiences for the Beatles are like?
MILES: Not yet.
RED: Oh, yeah, right. 1955. Err...you know what audiences for Elvis are like?
MILES: Maybe.
RED: They're always shouting and screaming and fainting and wetting themselves.
MILES: Hmm, wetting yourself - reminds me of doing smack...
RED: No smack, Miles!
MILES: So, to get my revenge I'm going to start making long, shapeless pieces of music with no discernible structure, and there'll be no solos, unless we all do it at once, and there'll be wahwah pedals, and stupid hats and intrusive African percussion that will be so clumsily crowbarred even I will find it basically racist.
RED: Right. Well, could you wait 12 to 15 years before doing that? I'll have paid off my mortgage by then.
MILES: Alright. But only if you make me the stupidest looking shades the world has ever seen.
RED: Done. And no smack. You can have a tiny bit now, but then never again.
MILES: Alright. [PAUSE] Just checking, cocaine doesn't count as smack...
Yours, acknowledging the dubiousness of the jigsaw element...
BODY TALK
POLICE STATION.
COP and distraught WOMAN.
COP So, Mrs Staines. About your son, Richard.
WOMAN Have - have you found him yet, Inspector Anus?
COP In a sense - no. The bad news is he was stealed by notorious total c**t Jigsaw, star of Saw, Saw Two, Saw Three, Saw Four, Saw Five, Saw Six, Saw Seven and - can't remember. Anyway the badder news is the childnappers - the kidfortywinkers - have sended a colouredmail note for the wanksome.
WOMAN Sob... How much do the brutes want?
COP Fifty...
WOMAN Oh!
COP Fifty thousand million. Zillion trillion. Willion hellion frillington Britdollars to Mr Bastard's Griffin Savers' Account. In the meantime, they've sent an eye.
WOMAN Oh my God. What next?
COP Don't know. Jolly exciting isn't it? I mean - don't worry. Gotta keep an eye out - sorry, eyes peeled - I mean, they'll keep an eye on him.
WOMAN Oh please...
COP Maybe they'll give us a hand - lend us a hand - lend us an ear. I mean, they'll be all ears, unlike... They're fully armed, unlike... Gotta have both feet on the ground, unlike...
WOMAN Please stop.
COP I'm all fingers and thumbs, unlike... I mean, lift a finger and foot the bill and toe the line cos paying for - THROUGH the nose will cost an arm and a leg for this bum deal... But can they cut it? This Dick, I mean...
WOMAN For the last...
COP Wanna mouth off? They've got the cold shoulder, taken aback, not just giving us the finger or giving a good hand or pulling the old leg. It's a bit off the top of his head, pulling the old hair out - what a close shave - like pulling teeth. Ouch, pulled a muscle, foot in mouth, arse over tit! Foreskin.
WOMAN I beg your pardon?
COP They force kin to work their ass off and give a right arm to break a leg and stick the nose in, picking the brain, getting the chin up and belly up and back up backstabbed, scratched and turned against the wall, palm off, hairs off the chest, turning a blind raised eyebrow to eyebrow, facing up with his feet up and close to the chest sticking his nose in a free red hand in kid gloves, have a heart eaten out in the clouds down at heel cheeky cheeks by jowl in a knuckle sand which powders thick skin and bare bones off the nose around the frog in his jumped-down throat, green fingers, once bitten tongue...
WOMAN Right that's it. (leaves) All I can say is - they've got balls.
BETTY: That is a nice cup of tea, pity you don't have a china cup though.
CORNER: Budget won't run to it I'm afraid.
BETTY: It is just not the same from a paper cup.
LEWIS: I'm with you Betty.
BETTY: Right Mr Corner. Ready when you are.
CORNER: (LOUDER) OK, Sargent Corner and PC Lewis to continue interview of Betty Lloyd. The time is 9.25 pm and this is the third session. Right Betty I just want to remind you that you have a right to have council present.
BETTY: No, I am fine as I am thank you. I just wish we were in London...
(CORNER AND LEWIS SMILE AT EACH OTHER)
LEWIS: Why is that Betty?
BETTY: Well because he would be 'Corner of the Yard'.
LEWIS: You are a one Betty.
CORNER: Do you remember before we took a little break? You were talking about George? You said he had done something that annoyed you?
BETTY: Did i? What was it dear?
CORNER: You didn't tell us Betty. You said it was too upsetting.
BETTY: Well I am very sorry, I really can't think what that might have been....unless it was the Jigsaw.
LEWIS: Jigsaw Betty? What happened with the Jigsaw?
BETTY: What is that dear?
CORNER: We found a blood covered electric Jigsaw in the bath. A lot of blood, but no sign of George.
BETTY: Oh yes, I bought George a really nice Jigsaw for Christmas. It was my little joke...
(LEWIS AND CORNER LOOK AT EACH OTHER)
LEWIS: Joke Betty?
BETTY: Yes, I have always loved doing jigsaw puzzles, I always have one or two on the go. So I bought George an electric Jigsaw. Then we could both be Jig sawing, together apart, so to speak.
(THE DOOR OPENS AND A POLICE CONSTABLE POPS HIS HEAD AROUND THE DOOR)
PC: Phone call Sarge.
CORNER: Take a message and I'll ring them back.
PC: It's the lead officer Diana from crime scenes. She says it's important.
CORNER: (FRUSTRATED) Sargent Corner is leaving the room. The interview is suspended at 9.30pm.
(CORNER LEAVES THE ROOM)
BETTY: Oh, that sounded exiting. This is just like being on Midsummer murders. Only with a bit more diversity.
LEWIS: Just between you and me Betty...what happened? Where is George?
(BETTY LEANS FORWARD, THEN LEWIS LEANS FORWARD TO MEET HER)
BETTY: No comment. (SHE GIGLES) I have always wanted to say that.
LEWIS: Did he hit you Betty, was he cruel to you?
BETTY: George? No, he never raised his voice never mind his hand. He was not that sort.
LEWIS: Everyone says George was a very quiet, gentle man.
BETTY: Oh yes, we never had a cross word in fifty years.
LEWIS: Betty, this is it, if this was Midsummer Murders it would be 9.50. This is the bit where the killer confesses. This is the bit where they tell everyone how smart they are. This is the bit where you tell us how smart you are...
BETTY: (LOOKS HARD AT THE TABLE) You think you know someone. After fifty years of apparently happy marriage you think you know someone completely...
LEWIS: What did he do Betty?
BETTY: We always had a cup of CoCo at 10 in the evening. Every night for as long as I can remember...
LEWIS: What happened on this night Betty?
BETTY: I turned round in the hall, I wanted to remind him to take his medicine.
LEWIS: And?
BETTY: I was standing in the doorway; he didn't notice me. He was standing leaning over the jigsaw puzzle I had just started that evening. As I watched he picked up a piece of the Jigsaw. He picked up a piece of the Jigsaw and carefully pushed it down the back of the settee.
LEWIS: He removed a piece of the Jigsaw?
BETTY: Do you know what I don't understand?
LEWIS: Why he did it?
BETTY: No, I don't understand why the Midsummer Killers confess with 10 minutes to go. The detective simply asks why? And the killer spills the beans on everything. If they stuck to 'No comment' they would probably have walked.
CORNER RE ENTERS THE ROOM
CORNER: Sergeant Corner has re entered the room, and the interview re starts at 9.40 pm. (HE SITS NEXT TO LEWIS) Betty you received a new puzzle in the post today?
BETTY: Did I, I don't remember.
CORNER: The scenes of crime team have just finished it. 5,000 pieces, took five of them three hours.
Turns out it is from a company who make Jigsaw puzzles from customer submitted photos.
The picture in this case is a near life-size one of a naked George. Only George, laid out on a bed, looks so peaceful he might be dead.
BETTY: Oh dear.
CORNER: Do you have anything to say Betty?
BETTY: Is that all?
CORNER: Well they did say there was a piece missing.
LEWIS: What?
CORNER: His belly button is missing.
LEWIS: (TAKES OUT HIS PHONE AND DIALS) I think I might know where the missing piece is.
(LEWIS MOVES OFF TO A CORNER OF THE ROOM TAKING ON HIS MOBILE)
CORNER: Do you have anything to say Betty?
BETTY: what time is it?
CORNER: 9.55pm, why?
BETTY: We are past that tricky 9.50 pm confession time. Do you know what Georges blood group was?
CORNER: No.
BETTY: Neither do i. George would never go to a doctor. He was completely phobic about it.
LEWIS: I told them to look down the back of the Settee. They found a belly button.
CORNER: The missing puzzle piece?
LEWIS: No, a human Belly button...
BETTY: And did you know George had no living relatives? So, no DNA match I am afraid.
LEWIS: What have you done with him?
BETTY: It's a puzzle isn't it? Five thousand pieces all as small as a belly button. What on earth can you do with just a Belly Button? Well i would love to stay and chat more but I have arranged to be picked up by Charlie from the bowls club outside at 10. I assume you have no intention of detaining me?
(CORNER AND AN OPEN MOUTHED LEWIS JUST STARE AT BETTY AS SHE STANDS AND WALKS TO THE DOOR. AT THE DOOR SHE STOPS AND SPEAKS WITHOUT TURNING AROUND)
BETTY: I will say, George always liked feeding the birds at the park. Every bit of him.
LEWIS: But why?
BETTY: You don't do jigsaws do you?
LEWIS: No.
BETTY: You won't understand then. (SHE EXITS)
ANGELA: So everyone, this is Geoff. The new boss.
800 UNCREDITED EXTRAS: Hi Geoff!
GEOFF: Relax everyone. I just want to reassure you, this is my first day, so I'm not going to rush to make any big changes.
ANGELA: Well I think you'll find the jigsaw department fits together pretty nicely! No need for a shake-up round here!
GEOFF: Glad to hear it.
ANGELA: Certainly no dead wood needing cutting!
GEOFF: [lowers voice] Please don't say things like that.
ANGELA: Let's start with the creatives. Carol here is our lead visionary - her job is to imagine some really dreamy landscape, maybe with a castle or a hill. Last year she imagined a castle on a hill, that was a particularly fine example.
GEOFF: Hi Carol, great to meet you.
ANGELA: Her team also work on the finer detail, this is where a lot of the innovation happens, coming up with new cloud shapes, that kind of thing.
GEOFF: I really had no idea.
ANGELA: And then at the other end of the production line, we have the children.
GEOFF: You employ children? Is that ethical?
ANGELA: I can only assume it is, because the kids bloody love it! They check the resulting jigsaw is complete, and most importantly, fun. If one child cries, we have to dispose of the whole batch. Some may call that perfectionist, but I am not prepared to risk the reputational damage of a disappointed child.
GEOFF: Ok, well I'm glad you're thinking about quality, at least.
ANGELA: And in the middle, here is where we get into the real nitty-gritty. This team work in pairs, one painter with one carver, working on an individual piece. The work is extremely precise, as each piece must be a perfect match for the others, both in terms of decoration and shape. One millimetre off, and the pieces won't come together with a satisfying snap!
GEOFF: You make the pieces individually?
ANGELA: Yes, that's right. What were you expecting?
GEOFF: Well, I'm no expert, but I imagined you just took a photo, glued it to a bit of card, and then you cut the pieces out.
ANGELA: No, no. Absolutely not. No, I'm sorry, I know you're new to the industry, I mean I can see how to the layman that might... But that's completely back to front, everyone knows first you make all the individual pieces and then... I mean you can't just start with the finished... can you?
GEOFF: I'm reasonably sure you can.
ANGELA: But... if you started with the picture, how would you cut the pieces out? Is there even a tool that does that?
GEOFF: A jigsaw! The tool you use is called a sodding jigsaw!
ANGELA: What, really? I...
GEOFF: Now show me another department before I fire everyone in here.
ANGELA: Okie dokie! Let's take you next door. This is where they build the big toys - cars, spaceships, entire model villages.
GEOFF: Some nice looking bits of kit. What is that, polyethylene?
ANGELA: You know your plastics! And this is the most delicate work of all - our team here, they take a spaceship and a set of finely tuned cutting tools, and they carve it up into a thousand Lego pieces.
GEOFF: Gahhh!
Playfull. Epic.
The nominees are -
Michael, freewheeling, manic, aggressively in your face, like Cagney wielding half a grapefruit. Uncompromising and often uncomfortable, but always worth a second or a third read.
Gappy, the uncrowned king. Quality set ups, quality stories, but above all quality words. You feel that every word has to earn its place. Competitive, but competitive within himself first of all.
wwwwwh. Enigmatically named. Interesting ideas with good gags. Only 9 posts in but get the strong impression there is a lot more to come from 5wh.
Playfull, has taken inconsistency to an artform. Crippled by self doubt and cannot f**king resist the urge to tinker with a 'finished' sketch.
And the winner is Gappy for -
intrusive African percussion that will be so clumsily crowbarred even I will find it basically racist
I'm going to go with Michael for this one. The relentless focused chaos of it really got to me.
Quote: playfull @ 11th November 2020, 3:47 PMCompetitive, but competitive within himself first of all.
I'm not certain I know what that means, but I'm putting it on a T-shirt!
The toughest decision for a fair few weeks, I think. Like Michael, I'm voting for Playfull for epicity (I checked, and the official noun is epicness, but I don't care for that, so I'm coining a new one). Perhaps the entry doesn't exactly work as a sketch, it's a smidge long, but it could be a brilliant short story, and will stick in the mind. Idf they bring Tales of the Unexpected back, give them a ring, Playfull 
Quote: gappy @ 11th November 2020, 7:44 PMPerhaps the entry doesn't exactly work as a sketch...
I agree. I nearly didn't post it as it doesn't really have any jokes (apart from the clumsy 'Corner of the yard'). But it was one of those bits of writing that just falls fully formed onto the page. So that made me happy.
Might work for TV if the interview room was No9...
Quote: playfull @ 15th November 2020, 12:38 PMMight work for TV if the interview room was No9...
Yes!
Don't worry. My dad's entries are sketchy too.