skram
Sunday 1st November 2020 3:58pm
Dartmoor
104 posts
Thought I would stick up one of my sketches from the final episode - never had a sketch on NJ so any comments/feedback welcome:
INTRO: This week Nicola Sturgeon has been ridiculed after finally coming up with an alternative to Boris Johnson's 3-tier system for coronavirus - a 5-tier system. Tears of laughter mostly I should think. There's something about Nicola Sturgeon always wanting to go one better than England, or in this case 2 better... is there anything she won't try to gazump England on?
GRAMS - 'ANDREW MARR SHOW' INTRO
ANDREW MARR: Hello, this morning I'm joined by Scotland's First Minister - Nicola Sturgeon.
NICOLA STURGOEN: Hello, Andrew, I'm very pleased to join you although I can't help but notice the absence of Boris Johnson.
ANDREW MARR: He's not on this show.
NICOLA STURGEON: Even so.
ANDREW MARR: It's just you I'm talking to.
NICOLA STURGEON: I'm just saying.
ANDREW MARR: Anyway, Nicola Sturgeon - you refused to adopt Boris Johnson's 3-tier approach, and instead came up with a 5-tier approach. Why can't you fall in line with the rest of the UK?
NICOLA STURGEON: Look, Andrew, Scotland is the land of the free... free million SNP voters that is...
ANDREW MARR: Do you think Scotland does more for those three million voters than Boris does for England?
NICOLA STURGEON: Undoubtedly - Boris has sight, but I have foresight.
ANDREW MARR: Hang on, is really what you're doing here, just increasing the numbers in words? 3 tier, 5 tier? Free, three million? Sight, foresight?
NICOLA STURGEON: How dare you accuse me of that, that's so three-faced.
ANDREW MARR: Except there's no such thing is there. Explain to me how this works, this "Sturgeonomics"?
NICOLA STURGEON: I'm going to change everything to be better in Scotland than it is in England, two steps at a time.
ANDREW MARR: Are you starting your policies from scratch then, back to square one?
NICOLA STURGEON: We're starting from square two. You know, I was in three minds about this, but now I'm so excited about our new policies, I'm on cloud ten.
ANDREW MARR: OK, policies then - transport?
NICOLA STURGEON: Take motorways - England has the M1, M2, M3.... in Scotland we have the M898. That's 898 times better than that shite from London to Leeds.
ANDREW MARR: You're comparing motorway numbers?
NICOLA STURGEON: Bridges too - The Forth Bridge. Not the First. Not the Second. The Forth. Only in Scotland.
ANDREW MARR: What about the Severn Bridge?
NICOLA STURGEON: That's in Wales, not England.
ANDREW MARR: And for those people who think you are, as you yourself might say, two sandwiches short of a picnic?
NICOLA STURGEON: Look, sandwiches are English. We don't have unhealthy English sandwiches in a Scottish picnic. We have Kit Kats - 5 finger Kit Kats in Scotland... none of your namby-pamby sized English chocolate treats here, we have the "Triple Decker", "After Nines"...
ANDREW MARR: I'm wondering, Nicola, and this is a serious question - do you hear voices in your head?
NICOLA STURGEON: I hear more voices in my head than Boris Johnson has heard telling him he's going to be a father.
ANDREW MARR: And do you think it's fair to always bring Boris Johnson into everything?
NICOLA STURGEON: Andrew, it takes three to tango - you know, "let he who cast the second stone" and all that. Look, by contrasting our new Sturgeonomics with Boris Johnson's outdated policies, I'm just killing three birds with two stones.
ANDREW MARR: So you're not just increasing numbers in a rather pathetic attempt to outgun Westminster?
NICOLA STURGEON: That is not something I would do in a million and one years. I'm quite capable of standing on my own three feet.
ANDREW MARR: You can't just do the same as Westminster to keep it simple?
NICOLA STURGEON: Unfortunately it's a catch 23 situation - listen, I would go to the five corners of the earth for the Scottish people.
ANDREW MARR: But you won't agree with Boris Johnson?
NICOLA STURGEON: "Boris" is a five-letter word... he won't agree with me so I won't agree with him - three wrongs don't make a right of course, but three can play that game.
ANDREW MARR: Well that's excellent then, my thanks to you Nicola Sturgeon...
NICOLA STURGEON: We have more referendums than the English too. Three.
ANDREW MARR: You've been watching BBC1...
NICOLA STURGEON: BBC2 in Scotland.
ANDREW MARR: Yes thank you First Minister.
NICOLA STURGEON: Second Minister.
ANDREW MARR: OK, I really need someone to escort her from the studio now, I think she's had one too many.
NICOLA STURGEON: Two too many.
ANDREW MARR: Can someone call nine-nine-nine?
NICOLA STURGEON: Ten-ten-ten..
.
GRAMS - 'ANDREW MARR SHOW' MUSIC FADES OVER AND PLAYS OUT
END
Yes I can only take it in short doses too.
