Looking for some feedback on a rejected NJ script please

INTRO: David Attenborough joined Instagram this week, meaning he'll no longer need to queue up with his fellow 90 somethings in Boots to get his photos developed. He's now able to avoid queuing in Boots with his fellow 90 somethings to get his photos developed. However, will this newfound audience influence his future voiceover work?

INSTA

DAVID: Cara, just to let you know, I've made a few changes to the script.

CARA: Yeah, no problem. Ok, sound levels are good. David Attenborough's Mountain Life narration, take one.

ATMOS: NATURE DOCUMENTARY

DAVID: The Japanese winter is a trying time for all animals who live on the mountain. However, this Macaque monkey has struck it lucky. He's stumbled across a discarded rotting chicken leg and some mouldy blueberries... #foodporn.
ATMOS STOPS

CARA: Sorry...

DAVID: Yes, something the matter?

CARA: Em, '#foodporn' just doesn't quite fit the tone.

DAVID: Well, if we're going to engage with the Insta generation...

CARA: What?

DAVID: Oh yes I'm all about the 'gram these days. I even have a name for my followers fans. You know, Lady Gaga has her monsters, Lizzo has her Lizzbians and I have the Attenbuffers.

CARA: Attenbuffers? Right, great, whatever, back to the script.

ATMOS: NATURE DOCUMENTARY

DAVID: However, the male stops what he's doing as he senses a female in heat approaching. OMG what a creeper. Even though the female has the ick from this creeper she checks out his story and notices he has a ripped bod.

ATMOS STOPS

CARA: Cut! Ripped bod? Story?!

DAVID: Yes, an Insta' story is when...

CARA: I'm 24. I know what an Instagram story is.

DAVID: Excellent. Let's carry on...

ATMOS: NATURE DOCUMENTARY

DAVID: The female comes into full display as if to say...no filter!

CARA: Jesus.

DAVID: The male puffs out his chest and lets out a mating call in an attempt to slide into the female's DMs.

ATMOS STOPS

CARA: Cut! Oh my God. These are monkeys fighting for survival in the dead of winter, not Love Island contestants fighting for a shag!

DAVID: Please don't mug off my fellow influencers.

CARA: Right this has gone far enough. I know you're a national treasure and all, but Chris Packham would strangle a baby giraffe for this gig.

DAVID: Right, ok, ok. I'll stick to the script.

CARA: Thank you.

ATMOS: NATURE DOCUMENTARY

DAVID: The male Macaque becomes aroused when he sees the female: eggplant emoji, water squirting emoji, taco emoji.

CARA: Cut. Anyone got Packham's number? Get Packham on the phone.

END

Perfectly decent. Could do with a punchline, but on point and economical up until then. The contrast between the two different narration styles is well handled.

There's a fluff in the intro text.

Much appreciated, Gappy. If you ever need something looked over, I'm happy to help.

I liked it. Yes, duplicate lines in intro. Good to put a gag in the intro too, for Kiri, though you could maybe make it even stronger. I have heard less strong punchlines than this on the show but you could make your punchline punchier and really funny. Punchlines are hard! Maybe Packham could be part of the punchline, as in 'Just called him. He's not available because...etc' or instead of Cara saying what she says she calls Packham and the punchline follows. Next time you could post on the rejects thread.