Yes. C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for shinking. PM myself with a new slut please. Meanwhereas...
Next slapperjack: The End of the World, chosen by Playfull.
What do you call a cross between the end of the world and a mouth? Apocalips.
Leg closed: 19.8.20
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
5 1 Playfull, Gappy, Me
4 2 Thief of bad gags
2 3 Patrick
1 4 Altlapel
COWED-BOY
BATTLEFIELD.
WOUNDED COWBOY and SON.
COWBOY They got me... Old darn redskins got me... Guess I'm not larng for this world...
SON Oh, Pa...
COWBOY But before I go - tell y'ahld Ma I love her deeply and one day we'll meet agairn...
SON (sobs)
COWBOY And tell y'ahld Grandfolks not to miss me, but to love and cherish and dig you and your sister.
SON (sobs) Yes.
COWBOY And tell yer sister I don't mind she wouldn't let me photo her in the nuddy. I respect her decision. Just thought she looked kinda cute in her swimsuit and wanted to take it to the next artistic level. Don't make me no pedo or nothing.
SON Um... Yeah...
COWBOY And tell cousin Luke I forgive him for copying my algorithm homework in Miss Stauton's mathematics class and when she said, 'How come you boys got the same result?' he LIED and said I'D copied HIM, so I had to stay behind and put the chairs up while he sat at home watching 'Desperate Housewives' reruns and wouldn't even tell me who was stalking Susan in the third season and I fancied her ever since she was in that Superman series on the ABC network...
SON Ah...
COWBOY And if you meet Paul McCartney, tell him 'Wings Wild Life' ain't no way as shit as the critics insisted. Them folks are jus' jealous! There're some mighty fine toons on that CD, and I actually respect Paul's decision to return to a more basic, almost punk technique instead of slavishly emulating the Phil Spector wall of sound which he quite reasonably thought submerged the expressive power of his original 'Long and Winding Road', which finally emerged on 2003's 'Let it be... Naked', personally supervised by Paul himself at London's legendary Abbey Road studios. Good on yer, Macca. Don't listen to them whingers... 'Naked' - like your sister, if only...
SON It's getting late.
COWBOY And if yer ever meet Geri Halliwell, tell her I dd fancy her and not Emma Bunton. Emma bleedin' bum tone, more like! You see, when the Spice debut 45 'Wannabe' exploded, there was precious little of that Internetty thing and I naturally assumed 'Baby Spice' referred to Geri the babe as opposed to Emma and her child-like charm and appearance. Guess that makes her a bit like y'ahld sis... How can I ever make it up to her?
SON Have you finished?
COWBOY Um... Yer girlfriend smells of pooh, I should've won that game of Who Wants To be A Millionaire but you was cheating, and I 'm double jointed, look at this...
SON Oh shut up. (leaves)
COWBOY Thank God that's over. (dies)
(Televised chess match. Two Russians are staring in deep contemplation at the board in a sparse studio. SKOWSKY is large and heavily bearded, and BRUNTSCH is leaner, and both are in their 60s. COMMENTATORS talk in voiceover).
GRAHAM: Well, this is quite a match, isn't it, Ted?
TED: That's right, Graham, this is the big one. Skowsky and Bruntsch in the grandmaster showdown, it doesn't get any better than this for chess fans.
GRAHAM: And they're deep in thought, there, Skowsky contemplating his response to Bruntch's maverick knight attack we witnessed a few minutes ago.
TED: Indeed, that was quite something. And it's worth remembering that these two haven't met over the 64 squares since the early 1990s.
GRAHAM: Indeed, perhaps we can have a look at that showdown now.
(Video effect replaces '90 footage over current shot. Everything the same, the board laid out identically. STOWSKY and BRUNTSCH look identical, but they are wearing the sort of shirts one might have worn in 92. STOWSKY is wearing a Homer Simpson tie, and BRUNTSCH's shows Agent Cooper from Twin Peaks)
GRAHAM & TED: My word, look at the ties.
TED: Yes, times have changed, Graham. But let's take a listen to the commentary from back in 1990, shall we?
STEVE: (On 1990 recording). And this match promises to keep on surprising us, doesn't it, Andy?
ANDY: (1990) Quite so, Steve. Bruntsch has just pulled a knight attack out of nowhere, and Stowsky is really on the back foot. Just look at the concentration on his face. The Russian is pure chess.
STEVE: They both are, Andy. And they're both Russian too. You know, believe it or not, despite all the accolades both greats of the game have garnered, this is only the 3rd time they've ever met as professional players.
ANDY: Is that so, Steve?
STEVE: Quite so, it's almost a full decade since they last met. That was back in the semis in 1981. Perhaps we can take a look at that meeting now.
(Slightly dated 1990 effect puts the 81 match up on the screen. Everything exactly identical on the board. Studio very cheap and early 80s, with neon and dry ice. STOWSKY and BRUNTSCH dressed in shiny suits, with skinny electric pink and blue ties, but look otherwise the same - they are no younger.)
GRAHAM, TED, STEVE & ANDY: My word, look at the ties.
COLIN: (1981) Yes, here we are in the 1981 semi-final, if you've just joined us, and it's shaping up to be a classic. Bruntsch's sudden knight has thrown everyone, but if anyone can pull back, it'll be Skowsky.
DEAN: (1981): That's right, Colin. I think we might be in for some magic tonight. You know, I'm reminded of the last time these two battlers met, it was four years ago. I wonder whether we can show you...yes, I'm being told we can bring you some footage of that great clash right now.
(Cheesy Top Of The Pops effect brings up footage from 1977, as if it span from BRUNTSCH's ear. The set is all brown, the suits are pure seventies, and the ties are giant kippers. However, STOWSKY & BRUNTSCH are still identical, looking no younger, and the board is, of course, the same).
GRAHAM, ANDY, COLIN, STEVE, TED & DEAN: (Nearly simultaneously) Oh my word, look at the ties.
DAVE: This is the match we've been waiting for. I must say, for me the first meeting of this pair is the highlight of the chess calendar, 1977. Two young geniuses of the chess world, pitched against each other for the first time, and Bruntsch's last knight manoeuvre was straight out of the left field.
BRIAN: You say, that Dave, but these two have met once before.
DAVE: Really, Brian?
BRIAN: Yes. Not as professionals, I hasten to add, but they last played against each other in the Soviet under 16s competition in the last decade. And, as luck would have it, we have some footage of that historic first meeting for you.
(Very clunky 70s mix into black and white footage. Bare room with Russian script on wall. STOWSKY & BRUNTSCH sit at a bare table, with the identical board. Both are dressed in school uniform, although they are no younger.)
GRAHAM, ANDY, COLIN, STEVE, TED, BRIAN, DAVE & DEAN: (in hideous woozy near simultaneity) Oh, my word, look at the ties.
(Sound fades in heavy reverb. Different backgrounds from different eras merge as players look on unphased. We can hear the commentators in different years confused, asking what's going on. Soon there is an explosion and screams. Nothing is left but the two players in an empty room. They stand up, pocket their queens, and walk off shot. Camera follows them to a suit rack. Strung over it is all the different ties from the preceding extracts. The take off their school ties and hang them up. Horrible close-ups on their evil laughing faces.)
THE END OF THE WORLD
By Thief of Bad Gags
SCENE ONE: INT: A SMALL CAFE IN ROTHERHAM. DAY
A BIG BUXOM WOMAN WEARING AN APRON SHOVES FOUR UNIFORMED MEN WITH G4S BADGES ON THEIR SHIRTS OUT OF THE DOOR.
MARG: Go on be off wiv ya I've enough on mi plate wiv G three in here.
F/X FOOD COOKING
MARG THEN RETURNS BEHIND THE COUNTER.
THREE WORLD LEADERS ARE HAVING THEIR BIG G3 CONFERENCE AT A TABLE.
JINPING: Arso-
PUTIN: You do know him then?
JINPING: The world's second best economic super power wants to nuke China and end the world?
TRUMP: Hey guys com' on stop this buffalo shit. You know you commies are surrounding God's greatest country the United States of America with your armies.
PUTIN: How about ending the world this November?
TRUMP: Nope, not going to happen.
JINPING: Why?
TRUMP: The Presidential elections are on.
PUTIN: Biden's not going to win!
TRUMP: Gi thanks Putin, I've put your money in your offshore account!
MARG: ROLLS HER EYES
Bent as a ten bob note.
PUTIN: December then?
JINPING: No, can't do December.
TRUMP: Why not Ping Pong?
JINPING: It's Christmas and China gives toys to all the children of America.
TRUMP: No you don't that's done by Father Christmas!
PUTIN: Ha, you fool.
TRUMP: America has the best intelligence in the world-
MARG: Ha, there's more intelligence in this bread cake if you ask me?
TRUMP: The C I A briefed me on how Father Christmas gives our children capitalists toys. Anyway guys, I can't end the world because my shiny red button has Christmas decorations all over it.
PUTIN: Yes, we have a video of it when you visited Russia
JINPING: Arso-
MARG: Aye, he's one big hairy arse hole if ya ask me.
TRUMP: New year's eve, guys. Let's begin the new year with a BIG BANG.
BANGS TABLE
MARG: OI, ORANGE ORANGUTAN, BREAK MY MUGS AND YOU'LL B' GOING ART THAT DOOR WIV A BANG ON THE END MY FOOT.
PUTIN: Niet, I've a photo shoot in Siberia. You know how it is comrades, half naked on a horse and all that.
JINPING: No, I can't blow the world up too. I've been invited to Kim Jong-un's North Korean fireworks display. You know, the one where they fire their big rockets over Japan.
TRUMP: Well, January's off the table, it's too cold for my little hand to push the button.
February anyone?
PUTIN: Niet, it's the global warming conference and comrade Greta Thunberg will be speaking.
TRUMP: Those God damn commies wanting to save the planet.
JINPING: Let's leave it for awhile. Let's wait for a better time to end the world.
MARG: WELL, MECK SURE YA PAY BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO VAPORISE MY CAFE
JINPING: Here, Mr President.
HANDS OVER A MOBILE PHONE
Give me a call when you decide to nuke China.
TRUMP: EXAMINES PHONE IN HIS TINY HANDS.
Gi Chinky Boy, nice bad boy?
JINPING: Huawei.
TRUMP: STARES AT JINPING.
Don't ya know who we are?
MARG: Gordon Bennett, thick has pig shit he is.
JINPING : Huawei. The best phones in the world! If you give me a call before you press your red button I'll reply before you know it.
PUTIN: Quick as a flash!
DERISORY SMILE
TRUMP: I certainly will, Yellow Man. Marg, another three mugs of tea and put it on Boris's tab.
The Way The World Ends
By Tiggy
IN GOD'S FRONT ROOM.
GOD: So I said to him, I said "I'll park wherever I bleeding well want to because A: I'm God, and 2: I'm omnipresent so I'm like everywhere at once and if I didn't take up 2 spaces I couldn't park anywhere!". Then I smote him!
JESUS: You could have turned the other cheek Father.
GOD: Oh f**k off you pious prick!
SATAN: Ha ha ha!
JESUS: I forgive you Father.
FRANKIE DETTORI: Have some more wine Jesus!
OFFERS WINE
SATAN: A good shag would sort him out!
ANOTHER PERSON TALKS BUT WE ONLY SEE HIM FROM BEHIND.
MO: Would you like my wine Jesus? I'm not drinking.
JESUS: No thanks Mo. I've got water and it's kind of the same thing.
FRANKIE DETTORI: Hey Satan, what's that you got there?
SATAN COVERS SOMETHING MORE FULLY WITH A CUSHION.
SATAN: Nothing.
FRANKIE DETTORI: That ball kind of thing!
SATAN: I can't even figure out why you're here!
SATAN FIDGETS ON THE SOFA AND THE BALL, PLANET EARTH, FALLS TO THE FLOOR.
MO: It's planet Earth!
MO HOLDS UP THE EARTH IN FRONT OF HIM WHICH MEANS WE CAN'T SEE HIS FACE.
GOD: I wondered where that went! Satan, have you been hiding this?
SATAN: Oops! You got me red handed!
SATAN HOLDS UP HANDS TO SHOW THEY'RE RED.
GOD: What are you like?!!
JESUS: How are they getting on after I taught them everything?
EVERYBODY PEERS AT THE WORLD. THE CAMERA GETS CLOSE AND WE HEAR ARGUING AND WAR AND STUFF.
GOD: Jesus!
JESUS: Yes?
GOD: I mean...well...they f**ked that up haven't they?
MO: (FACE BLOCKED AGAIN) Maybe they'll fix it?
SATAN: Nah. They're all coming to my place.
FRANKIE DETTORI: There's only one thing to do. Could you pass me a pin or a needle Jesus.
JESUS: How about my badge?
JESUS PASSES FRANKIE DETTORI HIS BLUE PETER BADGE.
FRANKIE DETTORI PICKS UP THE WORLD AND HOLDS IT IN FRONT OF HIM. EVERYBODY LEANS IN.
GOD: What are you doing?
FRANKIE DETTORI PUTS THE PIN OF THE BADGE IN THE TOP OF THE WORLD.
THE EARTH NOISES STOP AS IT MAKES A POWER DOWN NOISE. AFTER A SECOND OF QUIET IT POWERS UP AND WE HEAR BIRDSONG.
FRANKIE DETTORI: Factory reset.
We are inside a room containing rows of identical 80's style, upright, mainframe computers. They all have flashing lights and a set of reel to reel magnetic tapes. Suddenly a ventilation grill in the ceiling is kicked loose from above, sending it crashing to the floor. Two legs now swing into view followed quickly by the rest of the man as he drops heavily landing on his back. He slowly stands up, making pained noises as he does so. He then suddenly spins round to face an Asian man who is standing behind him.
BOND: The name is Bond, James Bond,
CHEN: I know, it's Chen.
BOND: Who?
CHEN: Your Japanese contact.
BOND: (LOOKING VAGUE) Err...
CHEN: I've been with you for a week?
(BOND STILL LOOKS UNSURE)
CHEN: I picked you up at the airport...I chauffeured you around all week...you stayed at my house...and whilst there you slept with my Sister and my Mother?
BOND: Ahh yes, very frisky rodeo sex, she kept shouting "Machigatta ana!" What does that mean?
CHEN: That was my Grandmother not my Mother. And it means 'wrong hole'.
BOND: Ok, so who is Chen?
CHEN: Jesus! I am Chen. We climbed up the outside of this fake Volcano together. You told me to wait outside and you climbed in via the air conditioning vent?
BOND: I didn't recognise you Chen... I suffer a bit from face blindness, 'facial agnosia'.
CHEN: 'Racial agnosia' more like.
BOND: How did you get in?
CHEN: The door was unlocked. I've been listening to you bang about in the vent for the last 20 minutes.
BOND: Right we have to find Ernst Stavro Blofeld, and stop him doing whatever it is he is about to do.
CHEN: (PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE WALL) Finding Blofeld is easy. (THE WALL SLIDES AWAY TO REVEAL A LARGE WINDOW LOOKING DOWN ON A TYPICAL SUPER VILLANS BASE INSIDE THE FAKE VOLCANO. THERE ARE HENCHMEN WITH MACHINE GUNS AND SCIENTISTS IN WHITE COATS RUNNING ABOUT. THERE IS A MONORAIL, A FOOD COURT, A STARBUCKS, A SUBWAY AND AN AREA WITH A SIGN SAYING COMING SOON 'NANDO's'.) There he is. (CHEN POINTS OUT BLOFELD IN A LARGE GLASS FRONTED ROOM BUIILT INTO THE OPPOSITE WALL OF THE VOLCANO). And I guess whatever he is doing, he is doing it in 10 minutes, (HE POINTS TO A LARGE SCREEN SHOWING 10 MINUTES COUNTING DOWN). What is he about to do?
BOND: We don't know, but it will be despicable.
CHEN: What can we do? Look at all the henchmen. Where do they all come from? Who as a kid says I want to be a henchman when I grow up.
BOND: Don't worry, I have a plan. (BOND TAKES THE LARGE MAGNETIC REELS OFF THE FRONT OF THE NEAREST MAINFRAME COMPUTER AND TURNING THEM ROUND PUTS THEM BACK ONTO THE COMPUTER). That should cause a little confusion.
CHEN: (CHECKS OUT A COMPUTER SCREEN ON A DESK AND TAPS ON THE KEYBOARD). Looks like you have just stopped him recording Dads army. Is that part of your plan?
BOND: Not specifically. Just getting his attention.
CHEN: Let me guess is your plan to - get caught, then tell the henchmen that you have some vital information that Blofeld will want to hear. Get Blofeld to explain his diabolical scheme including it's weaknesses. Then at the last minute you overpower the henchmen, kill the No 2 villain, who is probably a giant German, foil the end of the world...or whatever...then pursue and kill a fleeing Blofeld, who will turn out to have been only a lookalike substitute anyway.
BOND: Might be,
(THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN, AND SEVERAL ARMED HENCHMEN ENTER FOLLOWED BY A MASSIVE BLOND GERMAN).
GERMAN: Switch the reels back, hurry make sure Dads Army is recording.
(TWO OF THE HENCHMEN ATTEND TO THE REELS).
BOND: The name Is Bond...James (BANG).
CHEN: You shot him?
GERMAN: Ya, of course, he is my enemy.
CHEN: Actually, I always wondered why nobody else had just shot him when they had the chance.
GERMAN: Did he have a plan?
CHEN: Right up until you shot him in the face.
GERMAN: And who are you? Are you working with him?
CHEN: Noooo. I have never seen him before. I'm Chen.
GERMAN: We heard he was working with a local, did you see anyone?
CHEN: I didn't see anyone, to be honest we all look alike to me anyway. No, I have come about the henchman's job.
GERMAN: You want HR on the third floor. Welcome on board. Excuse us but it is film night and Despicable 2 is starting in (HE LOOKS AT SCREEN WITH CLOCK COUNTING DOWN) three minutes.
(THE GERMAN AND THE HENCHMEN ALL LEAVE. CHEN TAKES OUT PHONE AND TAKES PHOTO OF BONDS FACE, THEN WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM TEXTING)
CHEN: HI Grandma. Now this is a 'Machigatta ana'...Send.
Tiggy, first past the post for me
I call my dog Nostro. Because he predicts the future. He thinks the world will end in 2026. And that he needs to eat lots of low cost sausages. It's either low cost sausages or something about locust sausages. I can't make out his poor paw writing. Thinking of monetising his predictions with a YouTube channel. Anyone want to support it via Patreon? He'll do a specific prediction about your life if you send him you full name, date of birth, credit card number and security code.
Tough but I'll vote Playfull.
What a strong week, Michael's dying cowboy is layered and I could see this as a running gag, split across a sketch show or even a series.
Gappy - His time travelling (?) piece is layered and he has as always painted a believable contained world with his thoughtfully chosen wording. I always get the impression that every single word has to earn its place in a Gappy sketch.
The Thief - Three world leaders (or two world leaders and Trump) meeting in a Rotherham Café. I love the fact that this is never explained.
Tiggy - introduces our celestial characters then throws in a random Frankie Dettori - I love that he never explains that.
Patrick - reminds us that length Isn't everything and introduces us to Nostro, his prediction making Dog, I definitely predict this dog has got legs...
I really feel everyone has put a lot of thought and effort in, so I am copping out and awarding everybody a fifth of a point each!
Gappy, for reasons I explained in the first post I wrote which has f**ked off into the ether somewhere. Sodding technology. You never had this trouble with parchment.
I enjoyed Tiggy's inventive ways of not depicting Mohammed, but my vote goes to Michael for the sheer madness (even though I could have done without the incest, but you can't unmonkhouse a Monkhouse sketch!).
Tiggy for my vote.
Quote: playfull @ 20th August 2020, 9:01 AMWhat a strong week, Michael's dying cowboy is layered and I could see this as a running gag, split across a sketch show or even a series.
Gappy - His time travelling (?) piece is layered and he has as always painted a believable contained world with his thoughtfully chosen wording. I always get the impression that every single word has to earn its place in a Gappy sketch.
The Thief - Three world leaders (or two world leaders and Trump) meeting in a Rotherham Café. I love the fact that this is never explained.
Tiggy - introduces our celestial characters then throws in a random Frankie Dettori - I love that he never explains that.
Patrick - reminds us that length Isn't everything and introduces us to Nostro, his prediction making Dog, I definitely predict this dog has got legs...
I really feel everyone has put a lot of thought and effort in, so I am copping out and awarding everybody a fifth of a point each!
At the moment there's a 4-way tie, are you sure we can;t tempt you to make a decision? 
Two fleas had a race across my shirt. Ended in a tie.
My skit came from the cliché that Red Indians get slaughtered and when a cowboy dies it takes forever. The funniest ideas come from reality rather than wracking your brains in front of a computer screen.
Quote: gappy @ 24th August 2020, 1:00 PMAt the moment there's a 4-way tie, are you sure we can;t tempt you to make a decision?
Good point...