Yes. C**tgtasulazioningd to Patrick for shinking. PM myself with a new slutjec please. Meanwhereas...
Next slapperjack: Scotland (chosen by Gappy).
Leg closed: 13.7.20
Runners are nowt...
Score Position Name
2 1 Patrick
1 2 Playfull, Gappy, Thief of bad gags, me
Thanks for the congratulations...but i think it is Patrick who should be thanking you?
Oh f**k. Consider it dung.
Hello everyone, hope it's alright if I join in! How about this:
ALAN IS SITTING ON A SOFA IN BOSWORTH'S OFFICE. BOSWORTH SITS ON A CHAIR AT AN ANGLE TO HIM, MAKING NOTES, NODDING ALONG SUPPORTIVELY THROUGHOUT.
ALAN: So recently I've been having these thoughts. Like fantasies, but terrible. All the time.
(melodramatic) I mean, I'm worried that I'm going to do something bad. It's like there's someone else inside of me.
BOSWORTH: I see, I see.
ALAN: Like, in one of them, I'm dipping a biscuit in my tea, but I leave it in for too long, and part of it breaks off and falls in? And because of that - just because of that... I reach into the tea *with my fingers* and take out the broken bit!
And I eat it!
(anguished) And it was Ginger Nut!
BOSWORTH: Anything else?
ALAN: I have one where I kill a child.
BOSWORTH: (unmoved) What you are describing is something called 'intrusive thoughts', and you should know that they're a very common phenomenon. Having these thoughts doesn't mean you'll ever enact them in real life. So just try not to dwell on them too much.
ALAN: Ah - that's wonderful to know. I really thought there was something wrong with me.
BOSWORTH: Oh, Alan. Never think that. You're a perfectly good person.
Now, let's discuss how you're going to plead on these charges of tax fraud.
Thanks Altlapel! How cool we're attracting new traffic.
RICK: Thank you for meeting me, William.
WILL: Not a problem, dear Burbage. How did you enjoy reading the new play?
RICK: It had some extremely good bits, and it was notably concise by your standards...
WILL: I'm sensing a "howe'er".
RICK: Howe'er - and it's a big howe'er - I cannot condone the subject matter.
WILL: Macbeth?
RICK: The very same.
WILL: Howe'er me no howe'ers, Burbage - did you not see that, although it be about Scotchmen, I have written it as if spoken by civilised humans. No need to worry.
RICK: It's not that. It's the name.
WILL: Which name?
RICK: Macbeth.
WILL: Macbeth the name of the play, or the name of...Macbeth?
RICK: Both! It is disastrous bad luck to utter the name Macbeth in a theatre!
WILL: Is it?
RICK: Of course! Everyone knows. One must never say Macbeth, or one calls down the curse of Macbeth.
WILL: You just said it twice!
RICK: Because we are not in a theatre. Did you not wonder why I asked to meet in a tavern?
WILL: I assumed it's because you're an inveterate drunkard.
RICK: Well, there's that. But it's mostly so we can both say Macbeth. I can't believe you didn't know it was bad luck to say Macbeth in the theatre.
WILL: You've never mentioned it before.
RICK: Because I would have had to say Macbeth!
WILL: Oh, right. [BEAT] No, you could have said "11th century king of Alba".
RICK: And why would I need to do that? That subject doesn't come up. The only reason I would have had to talk about Macbeth would have been to warn you not to talk about Macbeth.
WILL: It would have saved me quite a lot of trouble, in fairness. I did write a whole play, it took ages.
RICK: Fear not, William. We can still retain the play, but change the name.
WILL: Of the play, or of the...Macbeth?
RICK: Both! I propose we perform the tragedy of Jack Deth!
WILL: Jack Deth?
RICK: Yes.
WILL: I am not calling my character Jack Deth! There's no way any worthwhile drama could be made about someone called Jack Deth.
RICK: Alright, Mick Beth, then.
WILL: He's Scotch, not Irish.
RICK: Slack Beth?
WILL: That sounds like a slovenly prostitute.
RICK: Cack Seth? Black Geoff? Muck Breath?
WILL: No! No more of your mock beths. He has to be called Macbeth, otherwise it wouldn't be accurate. I looked up all the proper documents. This is a historically accurate play (except for how they talk like people and not the Scotch).
RICK: Really? And how many of these proper histories contained clairvoyant but unnecessarily ambiguous witches?
WILL: Not...many.
RICK: Your play has got three! Three witches. And a ghost! And a talking pease pudding.
WILL: Actually, I might take that bit out.
RICK: Yeah, and you can also take out Macbeth.
WILL: The title or...Macbeth.
RICK: Both!!
WILL: No! I'm the playwright here, you're just the man with the loud voice. We'll call it Macbeth, and just risk the curse. What is the curse, anyway?
RICK: If anyone says Macbeth in a theatre, actors will thenceforth be perceived as vapid, insincere, preening backstabbers.
WILL: You are, aren't you?
RICK: Yes, I know. But nobody else has spotted it yet. Start hollering Macbeth round the proscenium arch, and bang goes our reputation.
WILL: Oh, I'm sure it will be fine. You're going to say Macbeth, or I'll never write you another play.
RICK: [SIGH] Oh, you're probably right. OK, we'll use the use the word Macbeth.
WILL: For the name of the play or the name of the - you mean both, don't you?
RICK: Yes. And, it's not as if we'll be invoking the really big curse.
WILL: What's that?
RICK: Theatre choc ices will become monstrously, untenably expensive if anyone ever says the words Troilus and/or Cressida.
WILL: Right, about that...
HAG IS
RESTAURANT.
WAITER and CUSTOMER.
CUSTOMER Hello, is this a Scottish restaurant?
WAITER No, it's a clumsy set-up for a sketch.
CUSTOMER Shit. I mean, awesome, dude.
WAITER Aye, weel, pish, gads.
CUSTOMER Will you? Awesome, dude. So what's the dish of the day?
WAITER Haggis.
CUSTOMER Hag is what?
WAITER Spices...
CUSTOMER Spice is what?
WAITER Sinew...
CUSTOMER No, I don't. I just asked.
WAITER Nutmeg...
CUSTOMER Thanks but she's not my type.
WAITER Turnip.
CUSTOMER I wouldn't touch hers.
WAITER Suet...
CUSTOMER Why? It didn't do anything.
WAITER Bashit.
CUSTOMER Why? It didn't...
WAITER Champit.
CUSTOMER Why? It...
WAITER Scalded.
CUSTOMER Why? Didn't do anything.
WAITER Simmered.
CUSTOMER I'm not surprised after all that.
WAITER Sheep pluck.
CUSTOMER I think that's rabbits.
WAITER Secum.
CUSTOMER I think that's Harry.
WAITER SECUM!
CUSTOMER I think that's pornography.
WAITER Trimming.
CUSTOMER I've just had it cut.
WAITER Soaked.
CUSTOMER No, dry cleaned.
WAITER Well done.
CUSTOMER Thanks.
WAITER Fat.
CUSTOMER How dare you?
WAITER Coarse.
WAITER How dare you?
WAITER COARSE!
CUSTOMER 'Course not.
WAITER Lean.
CUSTOMER I hate that joke.
WAITER Heart and lungs...
CUSTOMER And soul.
WAITER Back at you... Coriander...
CUSTOMER And her what?
WAITER Drained stomach.
CUSTOMER Was she drinking?
WAITER Lamb.
CUSTOMER Not really, if she was...
WAITER Cured.
CUSTOMER Oh I am glad.
WAITER Oxen.
CUSTOMER And what?
WAITER Beef bung.
WAITER Do they?
WAITER Beefstock.
CUSTOMER Do they? What do they say?
CUSTOMER Oatmeal.
CUSTOMER Oh t'drink too.
WAITER Wine?
CUSTOMER That'd be nice. In a glass, please.
WAITER Thank f**k for that.
STONE OF SCONE
Palace of Westminster London 1296
King Edward 1 wife Queen Margaret walking to her front door
Queen: Alright, alright, hold your horses I'm coming.
SFX Four bolts slide open and a door creaks open. Music is being playing loud. Queen Margaret sees a delivery man and a horse and cart .
Man: Delivery, your Majesty
Queen: eh?
Man: Delivery, your majesty
Queen: Just one moment whilst I turn this music off
SFX A knock on the head and music fading out and a musician hitting the ground
Queen: What is it you want?
Man: Amazon prime next month delivery your majesty (Looks down at his scroll) erm, for King Edward the first
Queen: Are you sure and it's not for next-door King Edward the second?
Man: No your majesty, definitely for King Edward the First.
Queen: Oh, what has he pillaged now. Just look at it it's all battered?
Man: No, not that your majesty that's my Mars bar! It's this ( points to the ground ) It's the Stone of Scone. A throne once used by Scottish Monarchs to sit on
Queen: Why there's no hole in it?
Man: No, no, your majesty, I said sit on
Queen: Oh look at it, look at the terrible craftsmanship, no wonder the Scots have to bring workers in from abroad. They had to bring in Roman brickies for their big wall and their castles. Do you know how my Eddie invaded Scotland?
Man: No your majesty, how did his majesty invade Scotland?
Queen: He marched through the wall and castle's souvenir shop. Here is one of their keyrings. (Holds up a big key with a huge keyring with the words Welcome to Bonny Scotland)
Anyway. We've already got a ghastly band of Scots in the palace singing and making a hell of a racket all day long.
Man: Bagpipes, your majesty
Queen: No, they're being tortured in the dungeon
Man: It is made of Red sandstone
Queen: Sitting on that one will get a Frankie on the bottom
Man: A Frankie your majesty?
Queen: Yes a boil. A Frankie Boyle
Man: Oh, I see (Laughs)
Queen: I wish Eddie would leave the Scots alone. Only last month he enslaved two highlanders and the next thing they were singing in the Abbey and they had us all stomping around singing "I walk five hundred miles."
Man: Oh yeah your majesty I remember delivering the two brothers. The Proclaimers if my memory
serves me right. All the way down the A1 they were singing 'Da da da (da da da) Da da da dun diddle un diddle un diddle uh da.' Got on my nerves they did and my horse. I wonder what ever happened to them?
Queen: Their last gig was at The Bloody Tower
Man: (Laughs) Where shall I put it your majesty?
Queen: Oh go and put it under the wooden throne next to the banana boots where it will be out of sight for the next seven hundred years
Man: The banana boots your majesty?
Queen: Yes, the ones that once belonged to Bravefart, Billy Connolly
SFX: Twelfth century music of 'I'm gonna be (500 miles)' plays out
INSIDE A CHINESE TAKEAWAY. A CHINESE SHOP ASSISTANT IS ON THE PHONE.
SUE: [FLAT ACCENT, AGITATED] No ! You can't sack me, I have two point three children to support. Pardon.....one's a baby...... Yes, I agree the customer is always right sir. You are right sir, you are very, very, very, very oh he's gone.
A COUPLE ENTER TO THE DOOR CHIMING SCOTLAND THE BRAVE.
L: [LANCASHIRE ACCENT] Ey up cocker, I'll have some of your fried sushi please.
SUE: We are not Japane... yes sir and would you like some raw potatoes, deep fried sir?
L: Whatever, I don't understand Scottish. Potato, Potaatoe [BEAT] deep fried thought.
SUE: Fish and chips for you miss?
L: She don't understand English. Thai bride, only way I could find a wife that didn't answer back [CHUCKLES]. Just joking, it was the only way I could find a bride.
JANE:[WITH ANGER] Wor shur Chungowrun !
L: What did she say?
SUE: Your wife says she Chinese.
L: Really? Well you do all sound the same don't you?
SUE: [PERPLEXED LOOK TO CAMERA]. You're right sir; completely different languages do sound the same you arse hole.
L: I beg your pardon!
SUE: Are so, I'm agreeing.
L: What I hate about the Scottish in Burnley is most of them don't bother learning English do they? They're all "hock eye the iron bru", whatever that means. And that religious garb they insist on wearing, putting men in skirts is humiliating, I just don't agree with that.
SUE: Kilts.
L: Yeah a bunch of kilts, and if that's not embarrassing enough, they have to wear a man purse around their crotch.
SUE: You absolute twonk [BEAT] but you're right, apparently. So F ing right it hurts.
L: Did you call me a twonk?
SUE: Tweed, I said tweed that's what kilts are made off, so they're warmer.
L: You know who wears the trousers in Scotland, that Nicola Sturgeon. She'd be rubbish on Have I got news for you. All the Great leaders were on TV, Boris, Ronald Regan, Elizabeth the first.
SUE: She's died over four hundred years ago you crock of shit.
L: Did you call me a shit?
SUE: Sorry sir, that last bit was Scottish, on account of us being in Scotland, it won't happen again. Crock of shit is a complement, crocodile poo is rare and difficulty in collect.
L: So I'm rare and difficult?
SUE: No, I mean yes the customer is right. Rare as in valuable. Salt and vinegar?
L: And why does everything have to be deep fried ?
SUE: Well Scotland is a big oil producer.
L: I mean where would Scotland be without England?
SUE: Closer to France?
L: They eat unhealthy food and fight because they know the English will subsidise their NHS.
SUE: What do you mean "they" ? You are stood in a Scottish shop, I'm Scottish you complete bastard!
L: Bastard?
SUE: Bar star, that's Scottish for a legend down the pub, a bar star. Oh f**k it. [SUE PULLS HIM OVER THE COUNTER AND HEAD
BUTTS HIM TO THE FLOOR]
D: [MAN ENTERS WITH AN UNITELIGABLE BROAD LANCASHIRE ACCENT] Ey up Chucks, Bye heck, thas got gumption, al 'av wot theys 'aving lad, thys got all t legs, I iz off t castle, fooking Putin nobs.
L: [DAZED] Alright Dad, I'll come and see the castle in a minute; I'm making friends with the natives.
SUE: [DESPAIRING LOOK TO CAMERA]
I won a prize at last year's Edinburgh festival. £3 on a pub's trivia machine.
I'm addicted to bad Sean Connery impressions. My therapist said:
"It'sh a shlippery shlope".
PRESS RELEASE
In an unprecedented break from the expected Covid-19 briefing Nicola Sturgeon stunned the watching press gallery earlier today when she started channelling the voice of God. Nicola had just started blaming the English for the ever-shrinking size of Scotland's staple food, the Mars Bar. When her eyes rolled back in her head and her head slowly tilted back. Her mouth then opened wide and after a few seconds the unmistakable voice of Morgan Freeman flowed over the room like warm golden molasses.
In what can only be described as an incoherent ramble, for the next 45 minutes God held court, talking to the room and through the room to the whole world. He started by making an emotional personal apology for Katie Hopkins, adding "I make such a big deal of being infallible then something like this happens. With great age should come great wisdom, and let's face it I am so old I pre date time so I should be pretty bloody wise by now. But I really took my eye off the ball there."
Much of the next part of the speech was badly disjointed, inaudible, and punctuated with long pauses. Then God addressed the room directly, he asked, "One chuckle brother? I have got one, you have got one, how is that going to work? I f**king loved the chuckle brothers. I'll give you 'original sin', 'free will' and throw in 'salvation' for two minutes of "To me to you". God then threw the room open to questions.
When asked why he had chosen Nicola Sturgeon to be his mouth piece he replied that he traditionally used people who spoke in tongues to convey his messages, and he didn't realise that Nicola 'mini Merkal' was just being Scottish.
In reply to the question 'had he been absent in recent years' he admitted that he had found being omnipresent was a lot more difficult than he had expected. "It's not just being with Michael McIntyre every minute of every day," he said. "That is hard enough, did you realise that is his real voice? But it's being everywhere on every planet and every star in the entire universe. Do you know how many stars and planets there are? No? well neither do i! But it's a lot."'
Asked about the second coming God was obviously uncomfortable with the question and shifted Nicola from foot to foot. "The first coming was a bit of a buggers muddle to be honest. Let's just say the message got lost in translation. Somehow a simple 'Look I'm not dead' came out as 'Jesus died to save you.' What does that even mean? Jesus' blood will wash away your sins. That makes no sense at all. Jesus was livid, wars, persecution, genocide, false prophets and 'great religions' whose sole purpose is to horde power and wealth, all in his name. It's not surprising he is going through a difficult phase - he hasn't come out of his bedroom for two thousand years."
After a short pause he added, "I've just had a great idea! I'll send Barry Chuckle back, brilliant!"
God then asked for a last question as he didn't want to miss Naked Attraction.
"How was the Universe created?" someone shouted.
"Well it wasn't through a singularity." God replied. "That would be like pushing all the matter in the universe out through a tiny sphincter. And there is a lot of matter in the universe. No, it was more of a thought bubble I just thought everything that there is into existence. Which brings me back to where we started, I am really, really, sorry about Katie Hopkins.
And in case you were wondering - I watch Naked Attraction because I am supposed to have made humankind in my own image...what do people think I look like?
Just in case you are wondering the answer is Idris Elba."
And God was gone as quickly as he had arrived...Nicola collapsed and took a several minutes to come around. When she did, she immediately blamed the English and demanded a referendum.
Fundabidozy and welcome to our newest user Altlapel. All good but Gappy again for me.
Results coming late due to holiday fun.
It's been the week of name dropping. Gappy for me , because he mentioned Shakespeer and I liked the alternative name section. Also a nod to Altlapel (Bosworth) Playfull (Sturgeon), T.O.B.G (The Queen), and Partick (Sean Connery). Of course, I went for Sue down the chip shop, what was I thinking ! ?
Thief of Bad Gags gets my vote this week.
Michael: can't send a direct message at the moment, next category: BLUE. Cheers everyone.
Aftwrnoon, all.
Nice to see another decent clutch of submissions, and welcome to Altlapel (am I pronouncing that correctly?). My vote this week goes to the Thief, for evoking the cosy feel of vintage BBC sketches from 40-odd years ago - I could almost hear Jeffrey Holland and Bella Emberg delivering these lines.