British Comedy Guide

I read the news today oh boy! Page 2,177

Quote: lofthouse @ 25th June 2020, 6:45 PM

If Israel dropped a nuke on Palestine and you criticise them - your an antisemite

Utter nonsense. Dropping a nuke on Palestine is not the same as trying to pin the blame for George Floyd's death on Israel. Suggest you read up on "false equivalence".

Quote: Rood Eye @ 25th June 2020, 11:00 PM

The University of Cambridge has spoken out in support of Dr Priyamvada Gopal who tweeted, "White lives don't matter".

Not only have they spoken out in her support, but they've also promoted her to "Professor".

Twitter has deleted the tweet.

Perhaps her tweet was taken out of context. "I'll say it again. White Lives Don't Matter. As white lives." I hope that clears things up.

Thousands upon thousands of Liverpool fans crammed themselves together last night to celebrate their football team's victory as premiership champions.

Social distancing was nowhere to be seen.

Hopefully, coronavirus doesn't actually exist and it's all been a huge con perpetrated on a gullible world by the Illuminati.

If, however, coronavirus does actually exist, a lot of Scousers (and their friends and families, neighbours and work colleagues) won't exist very soon as a result of this little get-together.

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Police chiefs have warned there are not enough officers to cope with the "carnage" expected on Independence Day when pubs in England are set to reopen.

I've got news for those police chiefs: it doesn't matter how many officers you have if all they're going to do in the face of civil unrest is either take the knee or run away.

I could save the public £1 billion every month simply by assuming responsibility for policing the country on my own - without any help from anybody.

I'd be a perfect and utterly seamless replacement for our existing police force

Imagine it - no coppers at all, just me.

At the first sign of unlawful behaviour, I'd drive swiftly to the scene, take one look at it and then either take the knee or run away as fast as I could.

A few quid cash in hand every Friday, a company car and free petrol - and I'm in.

What do you say, Priti Patel?

You know it makes sense. Cool

I Think wars is bads. Wars is when c**tris has war but Is for only politicals. If It Is politicals dying on war they would Think two times because dead. Of I are in politician, I make all to signing piece of paper to say no war and if they making war anytoad, I make sanction like no Spice Girls CDs or EastEnders. Wars sucks!

Quote: Rood Eye @ 26th June 2020, 9:31 AM

take the knee

Every other post you mention "take the knee" , you're heading towards a foot fetish Rood. Would you like me to send you some dirty second hand shoes ?

Quote: Firkin @ 26th June 2020, 10:06 AM

Every other post you mention "take the knee" , you're heading towards a foot fetish Rood. Would you like me to send you some dirty second hand shoes ?

If they were once the property of Marilyn Monroe - yes, please!

Otherwise, thanks but I've got quite enough of my own.

PS. It's a very kind offer.

Bob Dylan, at the ripe old age of 79, has set two new chart records.

He is now the oldest male solo artist ever to have a number one album AND the oldest artist ever to have a number one album of new and original material.

His new album, "Rough and Rowdy Ways" is available now.

Thousands upon thousands of Scousers were last night still packed together on the streets of Liverpool celebrating their team's recent success in the premiership.

Killjoys have complained about all the bottles being thrown through the air and some have gone as far as to say fans should not have set fire to the Liver building.

Miserable bastards - Everton fans or Manchester supporters I expect!

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The above pic shows Liverpool city centre.

Nothing to do with the recent celebrations.

It's a stock pic.

(Little bit of Mancunian humour there, ladies and gentlemen!)

Clearly it can't be a recent photo, as there's a statue that's still on its pedestal.

On its perch

Celebration Liverpool style - set fire to the Liver Building. Scarse gets. Unimpressed

Graham Linehan, creator of the sublime comedy "Father Ted" has been banned from Twitter.

His crime? There are several, according to reports, but his most recent outrage was his suggestion that men aren't women.

This comes shortly after Katie Hopkins was banned for offences that Twitter can't quite put its finger on but thinks must have been committed because Katie is sometimes a bit controversial and even though they can't identify any particular post of hers that breaches their rules and conditions, they're pretty sure there must be one somewhere.

It's a funny old world.

BLM protesters are on the streets of London again this weekend engaged in what should theoretically be a peaceful protest but which, with the best will in the world, looks anything but peaceful to me.

I have a feeling a lot of people in Britain are becoming increasingly more thankful for and sympathetic towards big, tough, ugly, violent policemen.

Why? Because I have a feeling a lot of people in Britain have a feeling that very soon we're going to need them.

It's just a feeling.

There's a very old black and white Hollywood movie in which an attractive young woman is told, "You gotta use what you got to get what you want."

At the time, that piece of advice was deemed so shocking it was banned.

That was many years ago, of course, and in more recent times nobody in the world has acted more enthusiastically or more confidently upon that advice than Meghan Markle.

She looked in the mirror, liked most of what she saw but wasn't keen on the nose - so it had to go.

One new nose later, she was in business - and how!

According to reports, she and Harry are lining up a series of "talks" for rich Americans and charging $1 million a time.

My hat is absolutely and utterly off to that girl.

In seducing (a no doubt very eager) Harry, moving to Britain, marrying him and running straight back to America with him, she's committed the greatest and most audacious smash-and-grab robbery in the history of crime and she knows that hardly anybody on the face of the earth dares speak a word against her.

I don't agree with what she's done but by God Almighty, I admire her for seizing the opportunity and actually doing it.

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