A Horseradish
Tuesday 14th April 2020 4:13pm [Edited]
8,475 posts
Dear Mail Readers Mailbox,
Alright you tosspots?
'Ows it going bruvs?
Eeeeeeeeee.
Look at you.
So now EU totty and so called sex expert Ursula Von Liedown has issued a Brussels Directive on what we can and can't do in our own bedrooms. According to this probably Swedish fount of all knowledge, the missionary position, oral sex with a condom, toe sucking in football kit, going up the fudge tunnel and orgying with adult members of your own family are safe. On the other hand, kissing, caressing and anything tantric with two inexpensive birds who ordinarily would enjoy a good 69 ing is not. That is, unless there is social distancing of 30 miles with reference to the nearest trigpoint,
She suggests spicing up personal relations imaginatively with sexting, blow up dolls that have been fully dettolised, masturbation on and with a computer, when it is impossible to even sit your arse on a laptop, and especially bondage. That's once you have washed your hands so as to, quote, empathise with the need to clamp yourself down. If it wasn't for the fact that this billionairess bureaucrat does at least have the common decency to advise against anus licking, anyone normal would think that she is promoting a perverts' charter. No wonder her erotic thriller "Whip Me Out Of My Bat Virus" sold more than I have drunk beer. To be fair, I wouldn't be surprised if you at the Mail were the ones who sold it out.
I sometimes wonder about these people. They use every excuse in the book. When I was brought up conventionally by two nuns in a poor one parent household, we knew what non Directive rules were. I never said that I was unable to hang glide over the Andes before joining the SAS. Nor did I say Please Miss I don't feel well because I've got a bleeding heart so I can't single handedly defend this Great Britain of ours with a dedication to team work. I just got on my mountain bike and looked for work. I'd do anything. Anything at all. Dig ditches. Build bridges. Design new countries. Privatise all of our essential industries. Win wars. Run an egg and spoon race. I mean. What the f**k does she know? I bet she hasn't even seen the inside of a makeshift tarts den in the desert, let alone all of the organisation put in by the boys to erect one.
Also, she has no advice to give to the over 47s. Many have been through those phases and become bored. All she's good for are the mingers who are her main audience. Let's put it this way. The mirror tells the truth of it. Those of us with a decent satellite navigation system and a tank in our front garden look after our bodies. We never lose our 22 year old laddish great looks. There's birds out there who are gagging for us to pull them. All we ever get these days is moaning Remainers with a fake news monkey disease talking up all the immigrants then nannying against eight shags a night.
Sergeant Gazza Wayne Blenkinsop
Aged 48
Bradford
CV
Active Service : Falklands War (aged 8), Belfast (aged 11), 1st Gulf War, 2nd Gulf War, Post War Ops in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya, Royal Household Constabulary following Diana's Death, International Fire Service Duty at the Twin Towers and Later at Grenfell, Prevented 5,163 Islamic Terrorist Incidents in Greater Manchester Alone and Many Elsewhere
33 London Marathons, Eight Olympic Golds for Rowing, Responsible for Overseeing 500 Blind People Up the Himalayas on Elephant Back, First Space Rocket to the Moon in a Wheelchair, Charity Fund Raiser for Help For Heroes, Help Me, I'm a Hero and I Don't Need Your Help, I'm the Ultimate Hero, Honorary Degree From the University of Fathers 4 Justice,
Voted Best Leader, Best Mate, Best Personality, Best Laugh, Best Brave Bloke and Best Looking Geezer by his Platoon for seventeen consecutive years, married six times, father of 10, grandfather of 27, great grandfather of 4, great great grandfather of 2, great great great grandad to 1, my adorable little Dannii-Beyonce (although she is a big girl now and will be doing her GCSE's next year so we won't always be at Elland Road together) and Daddy to my eight Beautiful Pit Bulls.