British Comedy Guide

Coronavirus Page 33

It's like a ghost town where I live but there are still a lot of cars. The problem with the rules is how do you interpret them? You can go out and exercise but if you're a cyclist and are going to keep your distance from other cyclists are you allowed to go out for a group ride? If you jog how long can you go out for and how far?

Something this lock down has made me do is start using local shops to me that I never normally visit because they don't sell alcohol. I live in a mainly Muslim area which is evident from several prominent Mosques one of which is at the end of my road. It's clear all communal prayers have been suspended because of how quiet it is now. I miss the days of the streets bustling with young and old going to prayers and chatting with each other outside wondering what they're debating about. If it's anything like the Simpson's it would translate to "Look at that fat, smelly man buying alcohol yet again. He is so smelly and fat and drinks too much alcohol".

My local councillor lives opposite me and there's a strong community spirit. You can tell people are staying home because all the cars are still there during the day. I didn't join in but there was a lengthy cheer on Thursday at 8pm which was heartening. I'm going to make the effort for the next one.

Quote: Definitely Tarby @ 11th April 2020, 10:48 PM

It's like a ghost town where I live but there are still a lot of cars. The problem with the rules is how do you interpret them? You can go out and exercise but if you're a cyclist and are going to keep your distance from other cyclists are you allowed to go out for a group ride? If you jog how long can you go out for and how far?

Something this lock down has made me do is start using local shops to me that I never normally visit because they don't sell alcohol. I live in a mainly Muslim area which is evident from several prominent Mosques one of which is at the end of my road. It's clear all communal prayers have been suspended because of how quiet it is now. I miss the days of the streets bustling with young and old going to prayers and chatting with each other outside wondering what they're debating about. If it's anything like the Simpson's it would translate to "Look at that fat, smelly man buying alcohol yet again. He is so smelly and fat and drinks too much alcohol".

My local councillor lives opposite me and there's a strong community spirit. You can tell people are staying home because all the cars are still there during the day. I didn't join in but there was a lengthy cheer on Thursday at 8pm which was heartening. I'm going to make the effort for the next one.

Evocative - and rather moving.

Quote: A Horseradish @ 11th April 2020, 11:24 PM

Evocative - and rather moving.

Quote: Definitely Tarby @ 11th April 2020, 11:59 PM

You're welcome.

You might be interested to hear that according to the ONS and as published by the UK Government, the number of deaths in the UK alone in an average year from stress related illness is 180,000 which represents one third of all UK deaths. More significantly, it is 74,000 more deaths than currently from coronavirus worldwide.

Grandpa Smurf has become the first known Smurf fatality of coronavirus, dying at age 539. Meanwhile, 43 more Smurfs smurfed positive to coronavirus yesterday.

Smurf coronavirus cases = 64

Total Smurf coronavirus-related deaths = 1

Quote: chipolata @ 11th April 2020, 10:46 PM

You'd love living in Sparta. They've got this great 'killing weak children policy' which isn't so great for weak children but is great for the Sparta economy.

If you read my post, you will see that the weak and the sick (both children & adults) are the very people that I am concerned about - those who are currently having their long-awaited operations & treatment cancelled and those whom the NHS won't be able to afford to care for in the future.

In the last 24 hours, another 710 people in the UK have died after contracting coronavirus.

The running total now stands at 10,585.

Quote: Rood Eye @ 12th April 2020, 2:48 PM

In the last 24 hours, another 710 people in the UK have died after contracting coronavirus.

The running total now stands at 10,585.

Thanks.

So:

UK coronavirus deaths to date - 10,585
UK average annual flu deaths - 17,000
UK annual deaths from poor air quality - 40,000
UK flu deaths, Dec 2014 - Mar 2015 - 44,000
UK annual deaths from cancer - circa 150,000
UK annual deaths from stress related illness - 180,000
UK annual deaths in total - circa 600,000

Quote: A Horseradish @ 12th April 2020, 3:51 PM

So:

UK coronavirus deaths to date - 10,585
UK average annual flu deaths - 17,000
UK annual deaths from poor air quality - 40,000
UK flu deaths, Dec 2014 - Mar 2015 - 44,000
UK annual deaths from cancer - circa 150,000
UK annual deaths from stress related illness - 180,000
UK annual deaths in total - circa 600,000

Only about 10,000 people are murdered by guns annually, so maybe all the non-Americans will stop complaining about them?

Coronavirus is currently the top killer in the United States.

And there's still twats walking around the streets here in little groups, mainly seems to be younger people and foreign immigrants everyday, none to seem to give a f**k about the lockdown or the killer virus, or the NHS. Hardly seen a policeman or police car. France have the military out enforcing their strict lockdown, it's time for ours, way too many people not taking it seriously or just wilfully flaunting it. The majority will get mightily pissed off if the selfish minority are allowed to roam about while we're staying in in the nice weather.

Someone else wrote this, someone who works in - and has a Masters in - Disease Control.
It saves me trying to write something better (I'm too cross to anyway)

"YOU. You can stop it. Do what you're told. Stay the heck inside. Stop thinking you're an expert, stop thinking you know best, stop thinking you're a rebel, stop trying to be a special little cupcake. Be a sheeple. Do what you've been asked to do. This is NOT your time to shine sweet cheeks, this isn't your opportunity to over throw the system and save mankind. It's your opportunity to sit tight, watch Netflix and save mankind.

The virus does not give a shit about you. You're just a stepping stone, a host, a nameless, faceless breeding ground and launchpad. All it gives a shit about is reproducing and finding new hosts. Don't let it. Break the chain. Shut the hell up. Stop spreading fake news, fear and gossip. Let the experts be the experts and do what they tell you because all the googling, all the conspiracy theories, all the spoilt princess routines and all the voodoo bullshit in the world is not going to help you one little bit. This is not about YOUR ego, it's about OUR survival. So act for the good of us all and do what you're being asked to do."

Bat Woman Gagged After Spending White House Money

So now it is alleged that China's virologist named Bat Woman was hushed up when she declared that it was another bat issue like SARS. Not only that but ten miles down the road from the Wet Market viruses were being tested on bats by the Chinese with US funding. Blimey, a lot of people in the UK don't have a supermarket within ten miles of their homes.

Zoonotic Anteaters Still Running Amok in British Zoos

Surprisingly no one seems to have remarked on the fact that we are not without bats in the UK. Nor has any virologist suggested a cull of them even though we seem to race towards the culling of our beautiful badgers at a drop of a hat.

And as it happens I am not suggesting a bat cull either - they are not directly zoonotic in impact - but what I would like to see is a tally of the number of pangolin anteaters we have in our zoos because those should be bumped off immediately. They are what "possibly" carry the disease from bats to humans. So how odd that no one has mentioned those either.

But it is only six weeks since China's scientists guessed that the middle man was the pangolin anteater. Of course, any zoo official who looks after pangolin anteaters and is well would prove that guess wrong so maybe we are just waiting to see if they drop dead. Expect to hear about it if they do and not if they don't. They will insist their theory is "proven" right.

For anyone who was concerned by the suggestions in the last article, my team have kindly undertaken a full fact check:

FACT CHECK

1. Is There Really Such a Person as the Chinese Bat Woman?

Yes. It is a nickname for a virologist who worked until extremely recently in the Wuhan Institute of Virology which is ten miles from the Wet Market and which has been undertaking extensive research into coronaviruses with bats since 2005.

2. Is the Wuhan Institute of Virology Unsafe And, If It Is , Should We Be Furious With China?

It is unknown whether the Institute is unsafe but no one serious has suggested it is anything but safe. However, to view it as Chinese would be wholly wrong. Just as our own Porton Down Laboratory has, it has close ties with the World Health Authority (WHO). So close in fact that on 20-21 January 2020 a Mission from WHO was positively welcomed there by the Chinese Government for an assessment in connection with so-called Covid-19. Its National Bio-safety Laboratory was completed in 2015 largely by French engineers. The Laboratory has strong ties to the Galveston National Laboratory in the University of Texas. In 2020, Ebright, named after American molecular biologist Richard H. Ebright, called the Institute a "world-class research institution that does world-class research in virology and immunology". So it's "big global".

3. Was the Bat Woman Really Locked up - And, If So, What For?

British media have said in the last 24 hours that it is believed the Bat Woman was locked up by the Chinese government. The reason the newspaper writers have given is that she was the first senior person with a good microscope to have claimed that the illness in Wuhan was linked to bats. The story goes that the Chinese Government did not want to believe it and did not want the public to be frightened. Further, that it took some six days for them to conclude she was right.

However, some of this is counter-intuitive. The character of the Chinese Government involves elements of suspicion. They were more likely to have acted rapidly in any doubt with a general clampdown. Furthermore, they were already paranoid not only about US troops entering their country on 18 October 2019 for the International Military Games in Wuhan but the fact that there was on exactly the same day a strategic role play exercise in the US on what might happen in the event of a coronavirus pandemic. It was this which led to their false accusation of US troops bringing in the virus.

4. Is The White House Really Giving Money to the Wuhan Laboratory?

The term "The White House" in the title in the previous post is adjudged to be shorthand, poetic licence and/or spoof in its reference to senior figures in the United States. It could be any "The White House" and is not assessed to be intended to read literally. Indeed, it is believed that a part of its ironic flavour involves the extreme unlikelihood that the real The White House knew what was happening or was involved in any way. But, British media in the last 24 hours have said that significant money was given to the Laboratory by "the Americans". That may be Texan in origin and science based.

Alternatively, if there is a more overt political dimension, it too would in all rationality have entirely by-passed both the Trump Administration and most if not all of the Chinese Government and have been organised by the non elected Global Elite which some believe is operating as the Real World Government. In that event, we are back in the realms of "The Lizard Race". If the Bat Woman was secretly working for "The Lizard Race" then the Chinese Government wouldn't like her.

5. Are We Really Going To Have a Pangolin Cull in British Zoos?

The idea that the pangolin is the carrier of Covid-19 from bats to humans only emerged in February and again it came from China. It is more guesswork than fact and largely unsubstantiated by any science. Coming late-ish in the Chinese Covid-19 experience, one could see rationally how it was a rather sloppy way of trying to fill in obvious knowledge gaps.

There are only one million pangolins in the world. They happen to be the most trafficked mammal internationally which of itself suggests that they could be super spreaders through no fault of their own. Viewed almost in the same way as mythical creatures are viewed, they are a culinary delicacy for the tiny part of the Chinese population who are filthy rich and bored with eating live bats for kicks. While in Britain there has been a lot of excited interest in pangolins purely as an animal, not least at Chester Zoo - Chris Packham really, really likes them but that is hardly a massive surprise - pangolins are extrememly shy creatures and notoriously difficult to breed outside their natural habitats. Consequently there are either no pangolins in Britain or so few that it would be difficult to locate them in a flock of, say, ewoks or mermaids.

According to reports today, the 2020 series of "The Apprentice" has been cancelled due to the coronavirus crisis.

We're also told there will be no 2020 production of "Line of Duty" or "Peaky Blinders".

Blimey, this pandemic is getting serious! :O

In the last 24 hours, 73 more Smurfs have smurfed postive to coronavirus. Meanwhile, Jokey Smurf, who was treated earlier this year for a raspy laugh, has died from coronavirus. He is survived by his civil partner, McPenis Smurf, and their adopted son, Soft Tex Smurfling.

The running total among the Smurfs now stands at 137 cases and two deaths.

In a related development, Shooter Smurf shot and killed Looter Smurf yesterday, accusing him of smurfing a bottle of smurfberry-flavored hand sanitizer.

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