Quote: Billy Bunter @ 29th March 2020, 10:30 PMAs ever, Peter Hitchens remains a dissenting voice of reason in an ever-increasing maniacal society:
Pompous Peter. Always a pew for him at Bunter Court.
Coronavirus Page 20
Second Wave of Aesop's Foible
"They say you can catch it from dogs" she said. "But we have a gerbil" I sighed. "And it's almost 1 am in the morning". "No it isn't" she said, readjusting her hijab, "It's only nearly midnight. You should have put the clocks back". "Actually", I explained, "it's almost 2am in the morning. The clocks go forward." "No" she said. "They don't do that until 1am and it's only nearly 1 am". "In that case", I spluttered, "it is not nearly midnight is it but nearly 1am". At that point my sleep induced erection went down. Quickly I sipped a spoon of Horlicks. "What about blood?" she said. "What about blood?" I requested. "That squirrel in the garden had blood on its nuts" she said. "No, not blood" I countered, "It was in the recycling box with our discarded bottle of Heinz tomato ketchup" . "Oh" she said "how lovely. I haven't seen anything like that since 1895."
Arlene returned. First, we heard the click-clacking of high heels. Next it was the sound of a contaminated key. One being inserted with some difficulty into a contaminated lock. Then a thud as she tripped over 357 boxes of vanilla cigarillos. Well, when he is not self-distancing, the postman likes a smoke. Dishevelled, she appeared seconds later in our bedroom.
"Professor Chris Whitty" she said. "Yes?" I yawned". "I was coming through the army barricades" she said "and one of the men in the tank said he had always lived alone. He is unmarried and does not have children. He is known to play tennis and believed to be keen on music. Otherwise he has been quoted by Whitehall sources as a "private person who never discusses his personal life."" "So what you are saying Arlene?" I questioned while taking off my fencing suit and fondling the plastic boobs I had bought on Amazon. "It just goes to show" she said "that he thinks the isolated lifestyle is normal".
Quote: Lazzard @ 29th March 2020, 2:04 PMProbably because Germany have five times the number of ICU beds per capita as the UK.
Less clapping and more money might be the solution...
Good point Lazzard, they have the money to test way more people than we do. The UK will have loads of people recovering through self isolation who have never been tested. They won't hit the stats and will make our recovery and death rates look worse than they are. I read Italy's high death rate is because they have 50% more smokers than we do and extremely high rates of elderly people, as well as being overrun.
Quote: Firkin @ 30th March 2020, 10:42 AMGood point Lazzard, they have the money to test way more people than we do. The UK will have loads of people recovering through self isolation who have never been tested. They won't hit the stats and will make our recovery and death rates look worse than they are. I read Italy's high death rate is because they have 50% more smokers than we do and extremely high rates of elderly people, as well as being overrun.
What are Italy overrun with? Michael Monkhouses?
Ever since the country started to take coronavirus seriously, there have been worries that being cooped up with one's "loved" ones will lead to vastly increased stress and a pandemic of domestic violence incidents.
Apparently, the UK has just had its first murder in such circumstances.
A 69-year-old chap in South Wales has today been charged with murdering his 67-year-old wife at their home in Cwmbran.
The coronavirus death toll in the UK now stands at 1408.
Quote: Rood Eye @ 30th March 2020, 2:56 PMEver since the country started to take coronavirus seriously, there have been worries that being cooped up with one's "loved" ones will lead to vastly increased stress and a pandemic of domestic violence incidents.
Apparently, the UK has just had its first murder in such circumstances.
A 69-year-old chap in South Wales has today been charged with murdering his 67-year-old wife at their home in Cwmbran.
Cor! Murder! I bet that's never happened before in the UK! How thrilling for you!
Quote: Rood Eye @ 30th March 2020, 3:42 PMThe coronavirus death toll in the UK now stands at 1408.
Please keep providing these regular updates because I cannot find them elsewhere to whet my appetite for death data. How about next telling us how many people in the UK have died from smoking so far this year? And from unhealthy eating. Thanks.
Quote: Kenneth @ 30th March 2020, 4:10 PMHow about next telling us how many people in the UK have died from smoking so far this year?
About 24,000 so far.
Quote: Kenneth @ 30th March 2020, 4:10 PMAnd from unhealthy eating.
About 22,500 so far.
I think the point about telling us the deaths is that it tends towards an exponential rate. If one or two people (or even the odd hundred) died per day there would be no story.
Aesops' Foible 3 - When It All Came Back Again in Spring 2021
"Have you got your dark glasses on?" she said. "You can see I have got my dark glasses on" I declared . "Because" she said "it can be transmitted through the eyes". "Not to people like me who always stare into the air" I responded. "So the air can have eyes too" she said. "So, like, you won't be able to do that this time. So the forces in Derbyshire have laid out mines in the park to ensure people are self isolating. So, like, you will have to see where you are, like, going." "Look" I stated. "Arlene and I know where we are going. She knows how to get there even with her eyes closed. She's been doing the same Genito-Urinary run since her skirts no longer covered her modesty and she took to wearing a peephole bra.".
"And you must take your balaclava" she said. "What do you think I am wearing?" I quizzed "that is, above this full body mummy suit I only usually wear at Halloween?" "So, like, alright" she said "because that bobble hat is no good so, like, that sort of just leaves your hanky." "Yes, I have my hanky" I outlined "and Teddy is coming. Ted has a hanky for me too."
Oh yes, Teddy. It can be a devil of a job to get Ted out of bed most mornings.Ted is up to the early hours each night on Red Dead Redemption II. When Ted in Ted's weird head is in the Van der Linde gang, do not expect Ted to feed the homeless man in our shed. Not even his breakfast. It ends up being her or me who delivers the hemp flakes ration box.
Still, it transpires that Teddy slept last night. Ted dreamt that Ted was going to meet Sir Patrick Vallance. It will be Vallance, Ted says, who will see to Arlene when we arrive at the clinic. He will be the man swabbing her undercarriage. Ted's excited. Ted says Ted can vividly recall when Ted and Paddy were at school in 1753. They compared liquids in bottles of half-drunk milk. They wheeled a measuring disc on the football pitch. And crucially they played British Bulldogs.
That was why according to Ted, when blowing Ted's own meagre trumpet, that Sir Patrick set out later to investigate whether human blood vessels demonstrated endothelium-dependent relaxation and he subsequently reported that the plasma concentrations of asymmetric dimethylarginine were elevated in people who were uraemic. "Teddy", I contested while placing my hand to my crotch to move the under-bandage thong which was giving me jock itch, "you are very hard to believe sometimes". But astonishingly it turns out Sir Patrick had indeed gone on to do those things - and more besides.
The UK death total now stands at 1775.
That includes a 19-year-old with no underlying health problems.
I have to say, given the apparently dreadful nature of this virus, it's surprising that Prince Charles has apparently shrugged it off so easily at the ripe old age of 71.
Yes.
It is a great pity that of the coronavirus songs released today, the one that should be getting the most airplay isn't. I write of the warning about power cuts which in my humble opinion is nothing less than the axis on which this country either stands or destroys itself forever. It is that serious. I reproduce in full here the letter that I have written to my MP today.
Dear Mr (Redacted)
Title
POWER CUTS WILL EQUAL A COVID-19 FUNERAL PYRE, DEATHS FROM MASS STARVATION AND WHAT WILL LOOK LIKE REVOLUTION
Well, we can just about hold to the line currently. Using every sinew to rein in the go ahead over 85s (and the rest).
Telling them that we can just about keep them fed in the absence of any support from the Government or supermarkets (which have surely had their day : there will be a long-term backlash) because they aren't considered vulnerable.
But power cuts were Point No 1 in my e-mail to you of 20 March and now we are terrorised today by the warning of them.
No. People won't have this. They just won't have it. I offer this as constructive advice.
Quote from my e-mail to you of 20 March:
"Point 1 : Much of the nation will have freezers full of food to reduce unnecessary trips to shops. Please ensure that the prospect of power cuts in this period is reduced to the absolute minimum with the recruitment of the army to speed up the technical aspects of restoring power to homes where and when it is lost. I sense we need more people ready to help with this matter".
End of quote.
Let's be crystal clear on this. This United Kingdom part of Global Government plc has a choice. It is in its hands.
Either it shores up the power supply to prevent blackouts
or
Its instructions are breached by millions as they decide to race off to supermarkets whenever they like, fight each other in the aisles, end up in pitched battles with a state which has needed to turn instructions into laws and die in far greater numbers from Covid-19 while the rest of us merely stay at home and starve to death.
Most people are really trying to comply but in many it goes against the grain. Inadequacy in resources to support them are like a pincer movement towards inevitable wide-scale breach. Power cuts will be the tipping point. That is patently obvious. Sort that out and you all might just about save the country.
Yours sincerely,
(Redacted)
The deaths and the suffering are bad enough, of course, but my local Sainsbury's has run out of bananas!
Quote: Rood Eye @ 31st March 2020, 4:49 PMThe deaths and the suffering are bad enough, of course, but my local Sainsbury's has run out of bananas!
They can't get enough Romanians into Lincolnshire to pick them. 
If you want to hire Romanians to pick them in Lincolnshire, be my guest but most other counties can't grow them.