Wishus
Monday 2nd March 2020 12:30pm
Northampton
143 posts
I can barely get on this website as my mostly use my phone to look at it on the bus. Busy, busy, busy! But I'd just like to say, my fellow rejects, so many, many good jokes left to melt on the slush pile. Bravo!
My contributions have suffered from a distinct lack of time to write this series, hence I am not hitting the full quota every time.
Here we go though.
Week 1
BREAKING NEWS:
1. The Government has promised to invest £5 billion in bus services. The Opposition says it might be more eco-friendly, but they shouldn't make the buses out of trees, as they keep axing the routes.
2. MSPs have argued against the use of facial recognition technology by police in Scotland. However, they deny that this is because it keeps mistaking Nicola Sturgeon for Jeanette Krankie.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Marmite: with their LGBT+ campaign, it's now the spread everyone likes. It's been a bad week for Steve Walsh, after infecting 11 people with the Corona Virus, he's the Superspreader nobody likes.
2. It's been a bad week for an art critic in Mexico who accidentally shattered an installation by placing a drinks can on it. It's been a worse week for all the critics who've done the same with Tracey Emin's pieces because nobody's noticed. (others here have done similar, much better)
3. It's been a bad week for the nation's garden fences as Storm Ciara has caused many to be blown down. It's been a good week for me, as I can now watch Eastenders on my neighbour's massive telly.
week2
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Yet more Billie Eilish news as the singer reveals that she and her brother wrote the James Bond theme tune on their bunk beds. So now it's our heads they keep banging with it. (it made sense when I wrote it)
2. A man in Hampshire has described the sight of oranges growing in his back garden as "a miracle". You're telling me, it's amazing, especially with all this inclementine weather.
3. Following reports that Boris Johnson wants to see the BBC "massively pruned", we hear that high salary-earner Graham Norton has decided to spend the whole week in the bath. (husband feedback: "I don't get it". Fair enough!)
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's a good week for Friends fans as David Schwimmer is going to read a bedtime story on CBeebies this weekend. It's a bad week for all the people who want Tom Hardy to come back and do it - he is on a break! (I see this line was used on a different topic by someone else. Maybe it's too much of a cliche)
2. It's been a bad week for meat-eaters at property developer Igloo Regenerations, as the firm won't reimburse any expenses for meat-based food. It's been a good week for Doris their caterer as she makes a mean ham sandwich... Very mean... No ham. (A very old joke of mine, recycled badly).
3. It's been a good week for astronauts on board the International Space Station, as a new antenna means they can send data via a broadband-type link rather than sending discs back to Earth. It's bad news for anyone waiting for Major Tim Peake's old Love Film DVDs to be sent back then.
week 3
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Young drivers using an app to measure their driving performance for cheaper insurance have complained that the software, made by Carrot, is full of holes. Carrot is blaming Bugs. (makes no sense)
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Carrot Insurance after their app recorded some users' train travel as car journeys and marked them as speeding. It's been a good week, for once, for those users traveling by South Western Railway, as they were unlikely to ever hit the speed limit. (just poor)
2. It's been a bad week for Yorkshire Tea, after consumers threatened a boycott following new Chancellor Rishi Sunak posting on Twitter that he was making a brew for his team. It's been a good week for anti-capitalists to complain, because all proper tea is theft.
3. It's been a bad week for Priti Patel after The Sunday Times claimed spy agency MI5 officials do not trust her. It's been a good week for Jacob Rees-Mogg, as it looks like he isn't the only sleeper in the House of Commons.
So, my friends, I am off the boil somewhat. And only one sketch sent for the first three weeks. Here it is.
THE MASKED CABINET
KIRI: Unicorn. Chameleon. Duck. No, not my pet names for the Newsjack cast. Just some of the characters whose identities we failed to guess before they were unveiled on The Masked Singer. And now, all the masks are off and we have our winner. And we're still none the wiser. And that's very much the same for some of the new members of Boris's reshuffled cabinet. I mean, never mind Defense Secretary, I thought Ben Wallace stood a really good chance of being Hedgehog. I have no idea who some of them are. I think it may actually have helped if they'd dressed up like a football mascot on Drag Race and given us a few clues on a bit of VT.
GRAMS: MASKED SINGER THEME TUNE
JOEL: So panel, you've already heard them sing Snap's "I Got the Power" but just who is our masked singer Turtle? If anything you already know this turtle is not shy...
WOSSY: Yeah, but he is a bit of a shy turtle, knowwaddImean?
JOEL: Shut up, Wossy. Anyway could this bit of VT help?
GRAMS: MASKED SINGER THEME TUNE
FX: DISTORTED VOICE FOR TURTLE
TURTLE: I've always been destined for greatness. I'm not just any politician.
DAVINA: OOH I know, not just any something... Marks and Spencers. It's Mark Spencer.
WOSSY: You've made that up.
DAVINA: I wish I hadn't.
TURTLE: But I am not one for staying inside my shell. I even used to be a bit of a stand-up.
WOSSY: Someone who thinks he's funny. Could be Boris. Could be Dominic Raab, that thing he said about not knowing how reliant we were on imports between Dover and Calais was hilarious.
TURTLE: But really, I should have been Prime Minister. Why wouldn't they let me be Prime Minister?
DAVINA: Delusions of grandeur... Oh I don't know, it could be any of them!
TURTLE: But you know what they say. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Anyway, I'm hoping my next song will be an extraordinary rendition...
WOSSY: Extraordinary rendition! Someone who gets people out of the country so they can be tortured somewhere else. Is it Priti Patel?
TURTLE: Of Boris Johnson!
GRAMS: MASKED SINGER THEME TUNE
JOEL: So panel you've heard all the clues. Any ideas who this member of the new Conservative Cabinet is?
KEN: I know exactly who this is. Hates Boris Johnson, wants to be PM. I know nothing about how British Politics works... Jeremy Corbyn, welcome to the Masked Singer.
JOEL: It's time to reveal who Turtle is. Come on everyone, let's chant. Take it off, take it off, take it off.
TURTLE: Er, take what off?
JOEL: Your Turtle mask.
TURTLE: I'm not wearing a mask.
JOEL: Oh. Well this is awkward.
(PAUSE) Everybody it's Michael Gove!
GRAMS: MASKED SINGER THEME TUNE
END
Think this suffered from a lack of consistency. They're politicians, not singers!