Just two rejects for me this week... too busy to write three!
1. Victoria's Secret criticised after shop dumps hundreds of bras in bin. Manager says it's just a storm in a D-cup.
2. Paris launches emergency bed bugs hotline. "The thought of them crawling all over me is disgusting", said a bed bug.
Quote: MIke Cooper RP @ 28th February 2020, 9:14 AMAfter last week's really strong show, a lot of the stuff fell flat for me last night? Not sure what others thought?
It's the funniest thing with different tastes in comedy, I thought last week's show was pretty dire - "one man's trash"...
Here are my failed efforts this week:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Scientists report that a diet of cheese and yoghurt can reduce your chance of a stroke, although if you brush your teeth afterwards you might still get a kiss.
2. Axminster Carpets collapsed into administration this week, leaving the company's future hanging by a luxurious deep-pile thread.
3. The inventor of the "cut", "copy" and "paste" commands, was rushed to hospital this week but upon arrival was confirmed to be Ctrl-Alt-Deceased.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Apple and Samsung as Huawei revealed an updated version of its folding smart phone; it's been a good week for Huawei who hope to increase sales 2-fold.
2. It's been a good week for Riverdance who launched a show to celebrate their 25th anniversary; it's been a bad week for some of the show's original dancers who have reportedly been left unable to use their arms.
3. It's been a bad week for US daredevil 'Mad' Mike Hughes who died when his home-made rocket crashed; it's been a good week for his fellow flat-earth theorists who pointed out his plans had fallen flat.
And I did a sketch based on the delayed launch of Facebook Dating.
FACEBOOK FUNERALS
KIRI: Following privacy concerns, Facebook has delayed the launch of its new dating feature in Europe, so I guess we'll have to go back to the old-fashioned way. Tinder. Meanwhile, Facebook are scrambling for something... anything, to announce.
FX : OFFICE BACKGROUND NOISE
MANAGER: Right, our dating app's been postponed, so we need a new idea and it needs to be good. Zuckerberg is watching us. Literally.
EXEC: What kind of thing is he looking for?
MANAGER: Something social. Something that brings people together.
EXEC: What about funerals?
MANAGER: How the hell are we going to monetise the dead?
EXEC: Well, someone posts about a cough they can't shift, a weird tingle in their arm or even a risky holiday they might be going on. We show their nearest and dearest a few coffin adverts, and before you know it... 'kerching!'
MANAGER: I'm not sure. It doesn't sound very...
EXEC: Ethical?
MANAGER: Innovative.
EXEC: We could offer Premium Add-ons.
MANAGER: Like what?
EXEC: Live-streaming - although technically it'd be 'dead-streaming'.
MANAGER: Hmmm, I'm still not sure. Funerals are meant to be...
EXEC: Solemn occasions?
MANAGER: Boring occasions. How do we make them more exciting?
EXEC: What about a VR experience? With casket-mounted cameras. 360-degree video from dear Aunt Edna's point of view as she's lowered into the ground.
MANAGER: I love it. But would people really go for it?
EXEC: We just have to pitch it right. "Facebook Funerals. You've spent your life online, why stop at the end?"
MANAGER: Genius. I'll send it up to corporate and see what they think.
EXEC: (SNEEZING) Bless me. I think I might be coming down with something.
FX : PHONE NOTIFICATION SOUND
EXEC: Oh, it's just an advert... for cremations.
END
Quote: electronat @ 28th February 2020, 10:27 AMJust two rejects for me this week... too busy to write three!
1. Victoria's Secret criticised after shop dumps hundreds of bras in bin. Manager says it's just a storm in a D-cup.
2. Paris launches emergency bed bugs hotline. "The thought of them crawling all over me is disgusting", said a bed bug.
Like them.
Quote: skram @ 28th February 2020, 10:31 AMIt's the funniest thing with different tastes in comedy, I thought last week's show was pretty dire - "one man's trash"...
Here are my failed efforts this week:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Scientists report that a diet of cheese and yoghurt can reduce your chance of a stroke, although if you brush your teeth afterwards you might still get a kiss.2. Axminster Carpets collapsed into administration this week, leaving the company's future hanging by a luxurious deep-pile thread.
3. The inventor of the "cut", "copy" and "paste" commands, was rushed to hospital this week but upon arrival was confirmed to be Ctrl-Alt-Deceased.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Apple and Samsung as Huawei revealed an updated version of its folding smart phone; it's been a good week for Huawei who hope to increase sales 2-fold.2. It's been a good week for Riverdance who launched a show to celebrate their 25th anniversary; it's been a bad week for some of the show's original dancers who have reportedly been left unable to use their arms.
3. It's been a bad week for US daredevil 'Mad' Mike Hughes who died when his home-made rocket crashed; it's been a good week for his fellow flat-earth theorists who pointed out his plans had fallen flat.
I really like your 3 bns. Need to listen to show.
Quote: electronat @ 28th February 2020, 10:35 AMAnd I did a sketch based on the delayed launch of Facebook Dating.
FACEBOOK FUNERALS
KIRI: Following privacy concerns, Facebook has delayed the launch of its new dating feature in Europe, so I guess we'll have to go back to the old-fashioned way. Tinder. Meanwhile, Facebook are scrambling for something... anything, to announce.
FX : OFFICE BACKGROUND NOISE
MANAGER: Right, our dating app's been postponed, so we need a new idea and it needs to be good. Zuckerberg is watching us. Literally.
EXEC: What kind of thing is he looking for?
MANAGER: Something social. Something that brings people together.
EXEC: What about funerals?
MANAGER: How the hell are we going to monetise the dead?
EXEC: Well, someone posts about a cough they can't shift, a weird tingle in their arm or even a risky holiday they might be going on. We show their nearest and dearest a few coffin adverts, and before you know it... 'kerching!'
MANAGER: I'm not sure. It doesn't sound very...
EXEC: Ethical?
MANAGER: Innovative.
EXEC: We could offer Premium Add-ons.
MANAGER: Like what?
EXEC: Live-streaming - although technically it'd be 'dead-streaming'.
MANAGER: Hmmm, I'm still not sure. Funerals are meant to be...
EXEC: Solemn occasions?
MANAGER: Boring occasions. How do we make them more exciting?
EXEC: What about a VR experience? With casket-mounted cameras. 360-degree video from dear Aunt Edna's point of view as she's lowered into the ground.
MANAGER: I love it. But would people really go for it?
EXEC: We just have to pitch it right. "Facebook Funerals. You've spent your life online, why stop at the end?"
MANAGER: Genius. I'll send it up to corporate and see what they think.
EXEC: (SNEEZING) Bless me. I think I might be coming down with something.
FX : PHONE NOTIFICATION SOUND
EXEC: Oh, it's just an advert... for cremations.
END
I think this is really good.
Quote: MIke Cooper RP @ 28th February 2020, 9:14 AMReally happy with my BNs this week, but wasn't 100% sure with the GW/BW's but sent them just in case. I really wanted the second BN to get on, as I would have loved to have heard it performed. Probably didn't stand a chance because of the age demographic of the audience (and listeners?)
BREAKING NEWS:
A tantric massage parlour was registered to the address of a flat being rented out by Rory Stewart. Mr Stewart has denied any impropriety, saying it sounded like a Sting operation.
And finally, a hardware store in Buckinghamshire that recreated the Two Ronnies' iconic 'Four Candles' sketch, has said business is now booming. They've installed a loudspeaker. It's goodnight from me, and it's goodnight from him.
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
It has been a bad week for junk food lovers, as claims arose that it is addictive and damages a part of the brain which exercises self-control.
It has been a good week for people that like to say, no shit, Sherlock.
It has been a bad week for the British Public, as the BBC has removed the chance to choose this year's Eurovision Song Contest entry.
It has been a good week for viewers, as they will no longer have to sit through, Eurovision: You Decide.
After last week's really strong show, a lot of the stuff fell flat for me last night? Not sure what others thought?
I think the NJ team are maybe not the generation for the two Ronnie's. Could be wrong. It's just Angela Barnes did say she had knickers older than the people working on NJ!
I will take a listen and let you know.
Quote: Eggnog @ 28th February 2020, 10:15 AMMy BNs
The world's most expensive sheepdog was sold at auction for £18k. Bidding was slow until the seller blew a whistle and told those present to 'Come buy! Come buy!'
After a period of gradual dimming, the supergiant star Betelgeuse is getting brighter again. Astronomers believe Betelgeuse may have quit Facebook.
Boxer Tyson Fury celebrated his heavyweight title win by singing multiple verses of American Pie - in contrast to most of Fury's opponents who enter the ring just singing 'This'll be the day that I die'.
Like no. 3. Interesting the different takes on jokes. I have sent one off on the sheepdog thing but have gone from the angle of her being a shepherdess/Bo Peep. I will post it on here, as an alternative take, when it inevitably gets nowhere.
Quote: BTF @ 28th February 2020, 10:44 AMI think this is really good.
.
Thanks! I thought so, too but I think it might have been a bit 'dark' for NJ... I've sent it to NewsRevue to see if it has any luck there...
Quote: MIke Cooper RP @ 28th February 2020, 9:14 AMAfter last week's really strong show, a lot of the stuff fell flat for me last night? Not sure what others thought?
I've yet to listen to week 2. I thought week 1 was about as good as I've heard Newsjack. Whereas last night seemed like hard listening.
Newsjack is such a curious beast.
I'm going to have to catch up with this rejects thread. I can already see plenty of material which I'd consider far stronger than a lot of the stuff broadcast.
There are some absolute crackers amongst the "rejects" this week. Far more enjoyable for my own tastes than a lot that were broadcast. But, as said by people above, and I completely agree, it all comes down to personal taste. If we all liked the same comedy, life would be pretty dull. And, it's possible some of our own personal favourite shows might have never been made.
Quote: MIke Cooper RP @ 28th February 2020, 9:14 AMReally happy with my BNs this week, but wasn't 100% sure with the GW/BW's but sent them just in
After last week's really strong show, a lot of the stuff fell flat for me last night? Not sure what others thought?
Thought last weeks show was very mixed. Last night was impressed with the standard of breaking news, thought sketches a very mixed bunch, and the GWBW a pretty ordinary lot
Quote: electronat @ 28th February 2020, 10:55 AMThanks! I thought so, too but I think it might have been a bit 'dark' for NJ... I've sent it to NewsRevue to see if it has any luck there...
Does Newsrevue also have an 'open door' policy ?
Well done to those that made it in. Rejects below:
BNs
To improve board diversity, Mining company Rio Tinto has appointed 3 female directors. Of the 7 existing male members, one was reported to be Happy with the decision, one Grumpy, one too Bashful to comment and 1 has been quarantined for coronavirus.
Campaigners are calling for an electric scooter speed limit of 15 MPH. Legally challenging, scooters go against the Road Traffic Act, against the highway act of 1835 and against anyone with an ounce of self-respect.
A cashpoint in Derbyshire has become the 4th most popular attraction on TripAdvisor. Being narrowly beaten by a vending machine, defibrillator and dog-poo bin.
GW/BW:
A Bad week for a drug dealer who's lost 6,000 bitcoins, when the password was taken to the tip.
A good week for the latest UK Rich list entry, Stig of the Dump.
Bad week for Alaskan bears as Donald Trump Jnr. was granted a hunting permit.
Good week for the bears, as he'll only be armed with the silver spoon he was born with.
Quote: Kenny Bania @ 28th February 2020, 11:29 AMThought last weeks show was very mixed. Last night was impressed with the standard of breaking news, thought sketches a very mixed bunch, and the GWBW a pretty ordinary lot
Does Newsrevue also have an 'open door' policy ?
Yes, just check their website or email mail@newsrevue.com with examples of your work. I got a sketch used then was put on their writers circulation list... I've had few sketches accepted over the last year and it looks good on CV as they have some great alumni.
N
Hi all, trying to get back into regularly submitting to NJ (and posting on this forum).
@KevDP4L BNs 2&3 my favourites
@MrLiamArnold Thought your BN1 was particularly good
@Kenny Bania My fave was the MC Hammer one
@Stobbart42 I thought BN1 was strongest
@Jamie Thomas I liked BN2
@Eggnog Very much liked BN1
@MIke Cooper RP BN1 was my favourite
@electronat I liked 1. particularly. And the sketch too. Might the funeral angle have been too much of a tangent from the original dating story though?
@skram BN3 is great, gave me a proper chuckle, I also liked BN1 but maybe a bit graphic for NJ
@Costello I liked both GWBWs a lot
Apologies to anyone I've missed.
My rejects are below, first NJ submission this series. Looking again, they're probably either too obvious or too convoluted.
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Boris Johnson has faced criticism for refusing to visit flood-hit areas. Affected communities have been advised to try to lure the Prime Minister out by using their submerged high streets to hold a regatta.
2. Priti Patel has denied accusations of bullying. She added that those making the allegations will be subject to hair pulling, abusive instagram posts and having their heads flushed down the toilet.
3. A far-right eugenicist with a hatred of women and foreigners ... I'm sorry, the end of that headline is missing, but it's either "has attacked a mosque" or "has been appointed policy advisor at Number Ten".
GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for Italian football, as games were postponed due to coronavirus. But it's been a good week for Man United fans, who face the chance that if they sneeze enough, Liverpool's title win could still be cancelled.
2. It's been a bad week for holiday makers in the Canary Islands, as Saharan dust storms hit resorts. But it's been a good week for one local, whose house broke the record for the world's biggest sandcastle.
Quote: Costello @ 28th February 2020, 12:55 PMWell done to those that made it in. Rejects below:
BNs
To improve board diversity, Mining company Rio Tinto has appointed 3 female directors. Of the 7 existing male members, one was reported to be Happy with the decision, one Grumpy, one too Bashful to comment and 1 has been quarantined for coronavirus.Campaigners are calling for an electric scooter speed limit of 15 MPH. Legally challenging, scooters go against the Road Traffic Act, against the highway act of 1835 and against anyone with an ounce of self-respect.
A cashpoint in Derbyshire has become the 4th most popular attraction on TripAdvisor. Being narrowly beaten by a vending machine, defibrillator and dog-poo bin.
GW/BW:
A Bad week for a drug dealer who's lost 6,000 bitcoins, when the password was taken to the tip.
A good week for the latest UK Rich list entry, Stig of the Dump.Bad week for Alaskan bears as Donald Trump Jnr. was granted a hunting permit.
Good week for the bears, as he'll only be armed with the silver spoon he was born with.
Like BN 2.. GWBW 1
Quote: JonT @ 28th February 2020, 3:53 PMBoris Johnson has faced criticism for refusing to visit flood-hit areas. Affected communities have been advised to try to lure the Prime Minister out by using their submerged high streets to hold a regatta.
Really like that one 
