British Comedy Guide

I read the news today oh boy! Page 2,147

So according to the allegations exactly how deformed is the mogul rapist's penis?

Surely that should have been a significant part of the front page news.

Quote: A Horseradish @ 25th February 2020, 9:00 AM

Coronavirus is the deity's way of punishing environmentally destructive freedom of movement.

Horse and cart. Horse and cart. Horse and cart.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 25th February 2020, 12:44 PM

I don't give a f**k about Coronavirus.
It's like 80s STD panic all over again. At least that was cool cos you could prove you'd had sex.

I thought Coronavirus was punishment for drinking too much fizzy lemonade.

And I thought 80s STD panic was when the pips went on a payphone and the money slot was jammed..

Quote: Billy Bunter @ 25th February 2020, 2:00 PM

I thought Coronavirus was punishment for drinking too much fizzy lemonade.

And I thought 80s STD panic was when the pips went on a payphone and the money slot was jammed..

Ha - yes.

In the sixties the Corona man and the coalman visited us regularly and at the age of three I confused them. To improve my English we put a stop to both of them and all went on to coke. Father Christmas still came down the chimney. He just had to give up his mug of coal soda and warming his feet on the hot creamy bubbles atomically emitted from the scullery fire.

Incidentally, STD was originally an acronym printed by the Mint. It stood for UK dollars, (Gertrude) (t)schillings and one old pence (sic). That only changed following the first War of Hats during which the Royals pronounced they had never been German. After that, it was claimed by Germaine Greer who in 1971 successfully patented it in the name of Women's Lib.

By the oil crisis, 87% of sexual encounters were wholly imagined and of the other 13%, 8% took place within a prophylactic framework and the rest was just phone sex. That was why Ted Heath boosted the number of NHS matrons with Ugandan Asians. No one was being born. Then came Spandau Ballet and Duran Duran and everyone was at it like rabbits again.

I mentioned this at the pool to my Chinese pal, Wong, as he was tucking into a wing of live bat. "Do you think", I mused "we will still be able to pee through our budgie smugglers when they introduce chlorinated chickens?" "Forget about it" he said, handing me meat and two veg, his pair of trunks, three brass monkeys and a cod piece. "Just enjoy your dinner".

Would anyone rather have the virus or Harry and Meghan back?

So you have now stopped foreign scroungers coming in and kicked two out.Brexit could work.

Quote: paulted @ 26th February 2020, 10:12 PM

Would anyone rather have the virus or Harry and Meghan back?

Meghan is driving Piers Morgan ever closer to a fatal brain haemorrhage so I'd happily have her back.

All three can f**k off to Canada.

The Tokyo Olympics won't take place unless the Japanese Government immediately bans their twerp like face mask fashion. It's pure snotty nosed punk only done in a typically "sweet" and irritating "lickle ickle" dainty way. And I wouldn't be surprised if it ruined their tourist industry years ago by making people think the country is germ central. Personally, I assumed by the way they covered their faces so as to be "cool" they all had coronavirus before it was even invented.

David Beckham! Christ! Semi-literate , squeaky-voiced arsehole, pontificating to all of us.

Quote: Briosaid @ 27th February 2020, 10:31 PM

David Beckham! Christ! Semi-literate , squeaky-voiced arsehole, pontificating to all of us.

What's he said now? And have you only just realised?

No, I've known it for a long time. Possibly the wisest thing he and his soor-faced creepy wife have done is to get somebody responsible to handle their money.

Meanwhile in other news .... WELL DONE GRETA THUNBERG! I wish I'd had a quarter of her oomph when I was her age. Brilliant wean.

For some time I've wondered how we should deal with paedophiles. Remember when the attitude to gay people was so punitive. Now we know some people just love folk of their own sex and what's the problem? It concerns me that the same must apply to paedophiles in that they're born to want children. We can't allow that .because the children are too young to choose - they have to be protected. So, how do we deal with this, because it seems to be quite widespread? I don't think locking them up is the answer because it won't change what they are.

Have to say my instinct, if anybody had interfered with either of my sons, would have been to kill the perpetrator, but that's not the answer.

Quote: Briosaid @ 28th February 2020, 11:18 PM

For some time I've wondered how we should deal with paedophiles. Remember when the attitude to gay people was so punitive. Now we know some people just love folk of their own sex and what's the problem? It concerns me that the same must apply to paedophiles in that they're born to want children. We can't allow that .because the children are too young to choose - they have to be protected. So, how do we deal with this, because it seems to be quite widespread? I don't think locking them up is the answer because it won't change what they are.

Have to say my instinct, if anybody had interfered with either of my sons, would have been to kill the perpetrator, but that's not the answer.

I totally agree with you. People have drives they have difficulty keeping under wraps. Maybe virtual reality is the answer.

Sadly we don't really live in a grown up enough country to discuss the subject properly, and how to deal with it effectively. Any new ideas would be shouted down by The Sun and The Daily Mail etc, and their army of outrage-hungry readers. If the past half decade has taught us anything is that Britain doesn't do intelligent sober debate.

And bastarding Johnston is yet again procreating. Should have been sterilized years ago. My spouse reckons he should have been castrated in public.

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