Newsjack Series 22 rejects Page 3

here's my rejects from week 2. There's a 'nearly' in amongst them. My money is on the Jose haircut one...

Victoria Beckham has fallen out with Stella McCarthy after poaching her nanny. She tempted her away by offering to double her McPhee.

Twenty-year-old Armand Duplatis has broken his own world high jump record in Glasgow. He used to practice in his back garden in America and dreamed of landing 'across the pond'.

Twenty-year-old Armand Duplatis has broken his own world high jump record at an indoor event in Glasgow. Spectators say he raised the roof.

It's been a bad week for Spurs boss, Jose Mourinho, who had to settle for a shaved head after his haircut went awry.
But it's been a good week for Jose's barber whose been inundated with requests for a 'Special One'.

It's been a bad week for one of the characters of EastEnders when tragedy strikes aboard a Thames party boat.
It's been a good week for the Queen Vic which just confirmed a booking for a finger buffet and wake.

Quote: Danno @ 20th February 2020, 8:02 PM

here's my rejects from week 2. There's a 'nearly' in amongst them. My money is on the Jose haircut one...

Victoria Beckham has fallen out with Stella McCarthy after poaching her nanny. She tempted her away by offering to double her McPhee.

Twenty-year-old Armand Duplatis has broken his own world high jump record in Glasgow. He used to practice in his back garden in America and dreamed of landing 'across the pond'.

Twenty-year-old Armand Duplatis has broken his own world high jump record at an indoor event in Glasgow. Spectators say he raised the roof.

It's been a bad week for Spurs boss, Jose Mourinho, who had to settle for a shaved head after his haircut went awry.
But it's been a good week for Jose's barber whose been inundated with requests for a 'Special One'.

It's been a bad week for one of the characters of EastEnders when tragedy strikes aboard a Thames party boat.
It's been a good week for the Queen Vic which just confirmed a booking for a finger buffet and wake.

View original

Yes that is a good one but my money is on Nanny NcPhee one but you never can tell with Newsjack!

Quote: Danno @ 20th February 2020, 8:02 PM

here's my rejects from week 2. There's a 'nearly' in amongst them. My money is on the Jose haircut one...

Victoria Beckham has fallen out with Stella McCarthy after poaching her nanny. She tempted her away by offering to double her McPhee.

Twenty-year-old Armand Duplatis has broken his own world high jump record in Glasgow. He used to practice in his back garden in America and dreamed of landing 'across the pond'.

Twenty-year-old Armand Duplatis has broken his own world high jump record at an indoor event in Glasgow. Spectators say he raised the roof.

It's been a bad week for Spurs boss, Jose Mourinho, who had to settle for a shaved head after his haircut went awry.
But it's been a good week for Jose's barber whose been inundated with requests for a 'Special One'.

It's been a bad week for one of the characters of EastEnders when tragedy strikes aboard a Thames party boat.
It's been a good week for the Queen Vic which just confirmed a booking for a finger buffet and wake.

View original

Another vote for Jose.......

Mine were

A man has helped deliver his baby in roadworks on the M5 - the only time any work has been seen taking place there

A fugitive Italian mafia boss who lay low in a caravan park, survived on takeaways from local fish and chip shop, The Codfather

Justin Timberlake has revealed that he was pelted with bottles of urine whilst performing with the rolling stones. Mick has since apologised, but said it was Keith's idea

It's been a good week for German police who caught a fleeing over the limit driver by following the strong scent of his aftershave. It's been a bad week for the motorist, who's been charged with stink driving

It's been a good week for the father who delivered his baby in roadworks. It's been a bad week for a baby christened Coney McConeface

It's been a bad week for an Essex dog owner, after their dog escaped, got on a bus and ended up as the seaside
And a bad week for the dog, who only got as far as the amusements and didn't Winalot

Quote: Kenny Bania @ 20th February 2020, 8:49 PM

Another vote for Jose.......

Mine were

A man has helped deliver his baby in roadworks on the M5 - the only time any work has been seen taking place there

A fugitive Italian mafia boss who lay low in a caravan park, survived on takeaways from local fish and chip shop, The Codfather

Justin Timberlake has revealed that he was pelted with bottles of urine whilst performing with the rolling stones. Mick has since apologised, but said it was Keith's idea

It's been a good week for German police who caught a fleeing over the limit driver by following the strong scent of his aftershave. It's been a bad week for the motorist, who's been charged with stink driving

It's been a good week for the father who delivered his baby in roadworks. It's been a bad week for a baby christened Coney McConeface

It's been a bad week for an Essex dog owner, after their dog escaped, got on a bus and ended up as the seaside
And a bad week for the dog, who only got as far as the amusements and didn't Winalot

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Stink driving! Codfather! Coney McConeface

I like the Winalot one.....a lot.

Would the urine bottle one benefit from a tweak....'though Mick Jagger has since apologised' or maybe not..

Hello all. Haven't spent much time on the BCG forums so didn't know this beauty existed. I've been throwing my #newsjackrejects into the Twitterspere! Here are my efforts for last week and this week.

Episode One - 13/02/20

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Schools are giving teachers body cameras in a pilot scheme to tackle pupils' bad behaviour. "This is an excellent idea, you wouldn't believe some of the atrocious language and threats of violence we are subjected to," said one student.

2. A computer scientist who helped the Queen send her first email - in 1976 - has died aged 86. Subsequently, members of the computer fraternity have been greatly impressed by Her Majesty's knowledge following the release of a statement from Buckingham Palace that said: "One was in bits."

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It has been a bad week for insects as "Climate chaos" has caused widespread losses of bumblebees across continents, according to scientists.

But it has been a good week for parasites with the South Korean film picking up four awards at this year's Oscars and Donald Trump being acquitted in his impeachment trial.

Episode Two - 20/02/20

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Climate Activists, Extinction Rebellion dug up a lawn outside a Cambridge University college over its role in a major development in the Suffolk countryside. Cambridgeshire Police were hopeful of catching members of the group in the act, but it appears they were tipped off as the lawn was already damaged when police arrived. They are now on the lookout for a mole.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It has been a good week for Peers, as following a review of their allowances, their daily pay for turning up to the House of Lords will be increased by more than 3% to £323.

But it has been a bad week for Piers Morgan, because, well, basically because he's Piers Morgan.

2. It has been a good week for the fight against obesity as Unilever has agreed that by the end of the year, it will no longer market its ice-creams to children

But it has been a bad week for children, as they now have 99 problems.

I tend to overwrite a bit, as you may have noticed!

Quote: MIke Cooper RP @ 20th February 2020, 9:24 PM

Hello all. Haven't spent much time on the BCG forums so didn't know this beauty existed. I've been throwing my #newsjackrejects into the Twitterspere! Here are my efforts for last week and this week.
Love
Episode One - 13/02/20

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Schools are giving teachers body cameras in a pilot scheme to tackle pupils' bad behaviour. "This is an excellent idea, you wouldn't believe some of the atrocious language and threats of violence we are subjected to," said one student.

2. A computer scientist who helped the Queen send her first email - in 1976 - has died aged 86. Subsequently, members of the computer fraternity have been greatly impressed by Her Majesty's knowledge following the release of a statement from Buckingham Palace that said: "One was in bits."

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It has been a bad week for insects as "Climate chaos" has caused widespread losses of bumblebees across continents, according to scientists.

But it has been a good week for parasites with the South Korean film picking up four awards at this year's Oscars and Donald Trump being acquitted in his impeachment trial.

Episode Two - 20/02/20

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Climate Activists, Extinction Rebellion dug up a lawn outside a Cambridge University college over its role in a major development in the Suffolk countryside. Cambridgeshire Police were hopeful of catching members of the group in the act, but it appears they were tipped off as the lawn was already damaged when police arrived. They are now on the lookout for a mole.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It has been a good week for Peers, as following a review of their allowances, their daily pay for turning up to the House of Lords will be increased by more than 3% to £323.

But it has been a bad week for Piers Morgan, because, well, basically because he's Piers Morgan.

2. It has been a good week for the fight against obesity as Unilever has agreed that by the end of the year, it will no longer market its ice-creams to children

But it has been a bad week for children, as they now have 99 problems.

I tend to overwrite a bit, as you may have noticed!

View original

Welcome Mike! There is a main Newsjack 2020 thread too.
I really like the first BN1. You could maybe take out 'pupil's' to open it up to the punchline possibly? Maybe you could hone the speech part? I like BN 2 but would cut it by a third. I like the GWBW. Climate BN one - I see where you are going with it but wonder if it could be reorganised and honed. I wonder if the Peers one could be improved by taking out the first Morgan but it is just a personal thing. Unilever one I like the 99 idea.

Wooo!

I'm looking forward to doing a deep dive in these threads!

Thought I'd also throw down some of my one-liners that didn't make the cut!

I'm open to any and all the criticism!

Ep 1
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Mike Pence weighed in on the UK's decision to allow Huawei participation in the 5G roll out, which totally confused everybody from Newcastle who are still using 'Whey Aye' phones!

2. It was reported this week that a fox was causing havoc after breaking into parliament. The biggest scandal involving a fox in parliament since former MP Dr Liam Fox, doing any job. Ever.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for the movie Cats, which leads the way for the worst movies of 2019 in the 2020 Razzie Award nominations.
It's been a good week for ACTUAL cats, because lucky for them, we know they had absolutely nothing to do with it!

2. It's been a bad week for the England rugby team, with the challenge of playing Scotland at Murrayfield.
It's been a good week for the England rugby team, with the challenge of playing Scotland at Murrayfield.

3. It's been a bad week for the Oscars who have once again been called into question over diversity problems.
It's been a good week for Joaquin Phoenix. Who won an Oscar after a dramatic makeover, having painted his face white and his eyes, blue.

Ep 2
BREAKING NEWS:
1. A new Twitter filter has been launched to prevent users from seeing unsolicited nudes. Yet Donald Trump shows up on every second post, and that's an unsolicited dick pic if I ever saw one!

2. It was reported this week that half of Britons take their phone to the toilet with them. Meaning that the other half are lying.

3. Ex Conservative leadership candidate, Rory Stewart, had a lot riding on moving into No. 10. Now on his race to become Mayor of London, he's made the odd request to stay at random people's houses.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Harrison Ford who announced plans for filming Indiana Jones 5 this summer.
It's been a bad week for Indiana Jones fans who wished the franchise ended right before the professor climbed out that fridge!

2. It's been a good week for Hedgehogs, as Sonic hits No. 1 at the box office, proving not all hedgehogs hog hedges.
It's been a bad week for the underperforming Birds of Prey, proving a bird in the hand isn't always worth two in the bush.

3. It's been a good week for Planet Earth as construction of a new Tesla Gigafactory in Germany began preparations, aiming to produce their most energy efficient and environmentally friendly cars.
It's been a bad week for Planet Earth as they attempted to cut down thousands of trees to do so.

Take it easy folks!!

Quote: PIECE @ 20th February 2020, 9:56 PM

Wooo!

I'm looking forward to doing a deep dive in these threads!

Thought I'd also throw down some of my one-liners that didn't make the cut!

I'm open to any and all the criticism!

Ep 1
BREAKING NEWS:
1. Mike Pence weighed in on the UK's decision to allow Huawei participation in the 5G roll out, which totally confused everybody from Newcastle who are still using 'Whey Aye' phones!

2. It was reported this week that a fox was causing havoc after breaking into parliament. The biggest scandal involving a fox in parliament since former MP Dr Liam Fox, doing any job. Ever.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a bad week for the movie Cats, which leads the way for the worst movies of 2019 in the 2020 Razzie Award nominations.
It's been a good week for ACTUAL cats, because lucky for them, we know they had absolutely nothing to do with it!

2. It's been a bad week for the England rugby team, with the challenge of playing Scotland at Murrayfield.
It's been a good week for the England rugby team, with the challenge of playing Scotland at Murrayfield.

3. It's been a bad week for the Oscars who have once again been called into question over diversity problems.
It's been a good week for Joaquin Phoenix. Who won an Oscar after a dramatic makeover, having painted his face white and his eyes, blue.

Ep 2
BREAKING NEWS:
1. A new Twitter filter has been launched to prevent users from seeing unsolicited nudes. Yet Donald Trump shows up on every second post, and that's an unsolicited dick pic if I ever saw one!

2. It was reported this week that half of Britons take their phone to the toilet with them. Meaning that the other half are lying.

3. Ex Conservative leadership candidate, Rory Stewart, had a lot riding on moving into No. 10. Now on his race to become Mayor of London, he's made the odd request to stay at random people's houses.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It's been a good week for Harrison Ford who announced plans for filming Indiana Jones 5 this summer.
It's been a bad week for Indiana Jones fans who wished the franchise ended right before the professor climbed out that fridge!

2. It's been a good week for Hedgehogs, as Sonic hits No. 1 at the box office, proving not all hedgehogs hog hedges.
It's been a bad week for the underperforming Birds of Prey, proving a bird in the hand isn't always worth two in the bush.

3. It's been a good week for Planet Earth as construction of a new Tesla Gigafactory in Germany began preparations, aiming to produce their most energy efficient and environmentally friendly cars.
It's been a bad week for Planet Earth as they attempted to cut down thousands of trees to do so.

Take it easy folks!!

View original

Welcome! Personally, I like best the GWBW 1 from ep 1. It has a Newsjacky feel! I like ep 2 BN 1 and 2. Maybe BN 1 alternative is 'leading to complaints about unsolicited dick pics' possibly.

Quote: BTF @ 20th February 2020, 10:14 PM

Welcome! Personally, I like best the GWBW 1 from ep 1. It has a Newsjacky feel! I like ep 2 BN 1 and 2. Maybe BN 1 alternative is 'leading to complaints about unsolicited dick pics' possibly.

View original

Cheers! I appreciate the feedback!

Funny you should mention a Newsjacky feel. I've been towing the line between what I think Newsjack may like, and what I think is funny. Trying to find that balance!

Quote: PIECE @ 20th February 2020, 10:22 PM

Cheers! I appreciate the feedback!

Funny you should mention a Newsjacky feel. I've been towing the line between what I think Newsjack may like, and what I think is funny. Trying to find that balance!

View original

It is hard. I have not managed it. There is a Newsjack 2020 thread too.

OK, these are mine (with some comments)

BREAKING NEWS:
1. An armed gang in Hong Kong that stole 600 toilet rolls have left police little to go with. (probably doesn't quite work)
2. With the Sonic movie topping the box office charts, the film's producers are set to pay out the biggest cheque for a hedgehog since Bonfire Night. (I probably bungled the setup, but I quite liked the punchline.)
3. Having splashed out on the most advanced weather computer in the world, the Met Office hope to finally track down the butterfly that's been causing all these storms.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It was a bad week for Amazon, after claims that hundreds of workers have been injured in their warehouses.
But it was a good week for those injured before noon as they were delivered to hospital the same day between 6 and 10pm.

(Um I was sure that bad week/good week rather than the other way around has been ok previously, but now I'm not so sure - any tips? I quite liked this one otherwise but might have been wasting my time)

Quote: Eggnog @ 21st February 2020, 12:31 AM

OK, these are mine (with some comments)

BREAKING NEWS:
1. An armed gang in Hong Kong that stole 600 toilet rolls have left police little to go with. (probably doesn't quite work)
2. With the Sonic movie topping the box office charts, the film's producers are set to pay out the biggest cheque for a hedgehog since Bonfire Night. (I probably bungled the setup, but I quite liked the punchline.)
3. Having splashed out on the most advanced weather computer in the world, the Met Office hope to finally track down the butterfly that's been causing all these storms.

GOOD WEEK/BAD WEEK:
1. It was a bad week for Amazon, after claims that hundreds of workers have been injured in their warehouses.
But it was a good week for those injured before noon as they were delivered to hospital the same day between 6 and 10pm.

(Um I was sure that bad week/good week rather than the other way around has been ok previously, but now I'm not so sure - any tips? I quite liked this one otherwise but might have been wasting my time)

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Liked Amazon one..you can do GWBW or BWGW or bad week worse week, I think.

Thanks BTF

Mike Cooper - I quite like the 99 problems joke, but I guess it might not land with everyone, or at least not immediately?

Re your breaking news 1, I considered something similar regarding a mole but saw similar gags on twitter too and decided to leave it alone

Kenny - I do quite like the winalot one

Liam - I quite liked the chocolate puns

Quote: Eggnog @ 21st February 2020, 12:44 AM

Mike Cooper - I quite like the 99 problems joke, but I guess it might not land with everyone, or at least not immediately?

Re your breaking news 1, I considered something similar regarding a mole but saw similar gags on twitter too and decided to leave it alone

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Ta. Yeah I don't tend to check twitter before submitting as most weeks every joke around the subject has probably been done anyway, and I'd never come up with anything! However, if it is something I have seen in my timeline, then I'd definitely avoid it. I thought the BWGW Amazon one you did was a great angle.

Mike - I like the idea of the 99 one but I don't think it quite works, though it does sound quite funny. It sort of works though. Maybe I am overthinking it!

Danno, it may be the José one as it is in the sports category.