Flatmate from Hell: Sitcom + intergrated sketches

The title of this is The Flatmate From Hull I have accidently wrote hell in the title of this thread

I'm going to send this off tomorrow (this is the first 15 pages in ScriptSmart so that's about ten normally) I'll include my synopsis as well so you get the broader picture.

Synopsis for The Flatmate from Hull

The Flatmate from Hull is a realistic sitcom which includes the wild daydream sketches of Terry's imagination. Terry is a secretary who struggles with his own identity, creating a cynical exterior to guard the outside world from his very active imagination. His fight with himself is made worse when he gets a new flatmate, Clint, a psychic medium from Hull (despite sporting a fake American accent).

Terry and Clint hate each other, they quickly begin a war with each other. Things are made worse by Terry’s best friend Dwayne quite liking Clint and Clint’s ex-wife Judy (who regularly comes round for her and the kids maintenance cheque) and Terry’s mutual hatred forms a bond between them.

They are forced to live together because, the senile and slightly racist old landlady Mrs. Park offers ridiculously low rent in comparison to the market and neither can afford to move out nor want to make the first step and admit defeat.

THE FLATMATE FROM HULL
Episode 1
Written by
Charles E. Lawley

SCENE 1. INT. THE FLAT – DAY [SKETCH]

TERRY IS LAY ON HIS COUCH WATCHING HIS TELEVISION, WEARING A BRIGHT LONG SLEEVED PINK SHIRT AND ELECTRIC BLUE JEANS. TERRY HAS A BEAMING SMILE ON HIS FACE. FROM THE TELEVISION WE HEAR THE THEME TUNE TO THE GOOD LIFE. THE LIGHTING IS BRIGHT AND EVERYTHING IN THE FLAT ARE IN STRONG CONTRASTING COLOURS. HIS CAT, TIGGY, SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH.

THE DOOR BELL RINGS.

TERRY QUITE HAPPILY JUMPS OFF THE SOFA AND WALKS TO THE DOOR.

TERRY OPENS THE DOOR AND WE CUT TO THE P.O.V. OF THE PERSON AT THE DOOR BEFORE WE SEE WHO IT IS.

TERRY:
Hiya, are you my new flatmate?

WE CUT TO SEE THAT JESUS CHRIST IS STANDING AT THE OTHER END OF THE DOOR WITH WHITE RHOBES AND A CROWN OF THRONES ON HIS HEAD. HE HAS AN XBOX 360 UNDER HIS ARM.

JESUS CHRIST:
Yes, that’s me, are you Terry?

TERRY:
I sure am!

JESUS CHRIST:
I’m your new flatmate, Jesus!

TERRY:
Come in!

TERRY STEPS ASIDE AS JESUS CHRIST WALKS IN.

JESUS CHRIST:
Mrs. Parks told about the rent and electricity, I suppose I just need to get to know you. I’m Jesus, I’m a Capricorn.

TERRY:
I’m an Aries!

JESUS CHRIST:
I like football, cars, Indian food, (LOUD WHISPER) parties.

TERRY:
Parties?

JESUS CHRIST:
Oh mate, I love to party. Me, I’m a party animal. I’ve got this trick, give me a jug of water and… and I can just get us all wasted – you’ve gotta see it, you just have to.

TERRY:
Great! Is that an Xbox 360?

JESUS CHRIST:
Yeah, I’m a game addict, I mean; you’re more than welcome to use it. Of course.

TERRY:
Great, you’re the perfect flatmate!

JESUS CHRIST:
Please, no, me, no, no I’m not.

TERRY:
You are.

JESUS CHRIST:
Stop. Just, I’m not.

TERRY:
Next you’ll tell me you love DIY and don’t mind doing all the maintenance work.

JESUS CHRIST:
DIY?

TERRY:
Yeah

JESUS CHRIST:
DIY? No, no way.

TERRY:
What?

JESUS CHRIST:
I’m just… well I’ve got a bit of a “thing” about nails, had a bad experience and I… I’d just rather not, you know? I’m sorry.

TERRY: (DEFLATED)
Yeah… no, that’s no… that’s no problem. Still got the Xbox, haven’t we?

JESUS CHRIST: (DEFLATED)
(FORCED LAUGH) Yeah, the Xbox.

TERRY: (JOKING)
Just as long as you don’t mind me bringing the occassional girl back, every now and again (LAUGHS)

JESUS CHRIST:
Girls, no, I don’t mind…

TERRY:
Ha, I know I was…

JESUS CHRIST:
Just as long as you don’t bang them.

TERRY:
What?

JESUS CHRIST:
Yeah, just don’t nail them, well not before marriage. That… that isn’t cool.

TERRY: (UNDER HIS BREATH)
Holy shit.

JESUS CHRIST:
Alright, leave out the blasphemy, mate.

CUT TO:

INTRODUCTION CARD. THE FLATMATE FROM HULL WRITTEN BY CHARLES. E. LAWLEY

SCENE 2. INT. THE FLAT – DAY [12.00]

LIKE SCENE 1 TERRY IS SAT ON HIS COUCH, ONLY THE COLOURS ARE DULLER, HIS SHIRT IS PINK, BUT A DULL PINK, HIS JEANS ARE DULL AND IT IS MUCH MORE DARKER THAN THE SKETCH. HIS CAT, TIGGY, SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH.

WE CAN HEAR THE THEME TUNE TO CORONATION STREET FROM THE TELEVISION.

TERRY IS TALKING TO TIGGY.

TERRY:
No, Tiggy, he wouldn’t be the perfect flatmate, too much of a do-gooder. I hope my flatmate’s the complete opposite.

CUT TO:

SCENE 3. INT. THE FLAT – DAY [SKETCH]

LIKE SCENE 1 TERRY IS LAY ON HIS COUCH WATCHING HIS TELEVISION, WEARING A BRIGHT LONG SLEEVED PINK SHIRT AND ELECTRIC BLUE JEANS. TERRY HAS A BEAMING SMILE ON HIS FACE. FROM THE TELEVISION WE HEAR THE THEME TUNE TO THE GOOD LIFE. THE LIGHTING IS BRIGHT AND EVERYTHING IN THE FLAT ARE IN STRONG CONTRASTING COLOURS. HIS CAT, TIGGY, SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH.
THE DOOR BELL RINGS.

TERRY QUITE HAPPILY JUMPS OFF THE SOFA AND WALKS TO THE DOOR.

TERRY OPENS THE DOOR AND WE CUT TO THE P.O.V. OF THE PERSON AT THE DOOR BEFORE WE SEE WHO IT IS.

TERRY:
Hiya, are you my new room mate?

WE CUT TO SEE THAT SATAN IS STOOD IN THE DOORWAY; HE HAS AN XBOX 360 UNDER HIS LEFT ARM AND A TRIDENT IN HIS RIGHT HAND.

SATAN:
Yes, are you Terry?

TERRY:
I am, is that an Xbox 360?

SATAN:
Yes.

TERRY:
Do you like Indian food?

SATAN:
The hotter the better.

TERRY:
Parties.

SATAN:
Love parties. Drugs, hookers, the lot. Mate, I’m up to the early hours.

TERRY:
DI…

SATAN:
Too late to have an early night, too early to have a late night (LAUGHS) if you know what I mean.

TERRY:
DIY

SATAN:
I can do DIY, yeah.

TERRY:
And you don’t mind me bringing girls back?

SATAN:
Not at all, in fact, I’ve got four virgins waiting in the corridor.

TERRY:
Great! You are the perfect roommate!

SATAN: (SHOUTING)
Girls come in.

FOUR VIRGINS WALK IN.

TERRY:
So what? Do we get to bang these girls?

SATAN:
No…

WE SEE SATAN BEGIN TO LUNGE HIS TRIDANT AT ONE OF THE VIRGINS' NECK.

WE CUT BEFORE WE SEE THE STAB TO SEE TERRY COVERED IN BLOOD THAT SPLATTERS EVERYWHERE FROM THE STAB AND WE HEAR ONE OF THE VIRGINS SCREAM.TERRY LOOKS HORRIFIED.

WE CUT TO SEE ONLY THREE VIRGINS, BLOOD EVERYWHERE AND SATAN NOW HOLDING A CHALLICE.

SATAN:
Fancy a swift chalice of blood, mate?

TERRY IS STUNNED, HE SAYS NOTHING.

SATAN LOOKS AT TIGGY.

SATAN:
You gonna eat that cat?

CUT TO:

SCENE 4. INT. THE FLAT – DAY [12.05]

WE CONTINUE FROM SCENE 2, TERRY IS ON THE COUCH. THE DOORBELL RINGS.
TERRY GETS UP TO ANSWER. HE OPENS THE DOOR TO CLINT. CLINT IS DRESSED IN A BLACK SUIT AND BLACK SHIRT.

CLINT:
I’m Clint and your Terry.

CLINT WALKS PAST TERRY.

TERRY:
No Xbox?

CLINT:
I know your name is Terry the spirits told me. I’m a psychic medium.

TERRY:
Are you sure Mrs. Parks didn’t tell you?

CLINT:
The crazy old racist woman? She didn’t need to. The room is full of souls who have all the answers.

TERRY:
Are they going to contribute to the rent?

CLINT:
Very funn… Is that a cat?

CLINT LOOKS AT TIGGY.

TERRY:
That’s Tiggy. Say “hello” Tiggy.

TIGGY ISN’T ARSED.

CLINT:
Eugh. I feel that cats are fundamentally evil.

CUT TO:

SCENE 5. INT. THE LAYER OF TIGGY THE OVERLORD – NIGHT [19.00] [SKETCH]

TIGGY (A MAN DRESSED AS A CAT) IS SAT IN HIS THRONE SMOKING A CIGAR. WE SEE BEHIND HIM A BURNING SKYLINE. TIGGY IS SURROUNDED BY ANTIQUE CHINESE VASES. BOOMING SOVIET PROPAGANDA MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

NIGEL (ALSO A MAN DRESSED AS A CAT) ENTERS.

NIGEL:
Overlord Tiggy, I bring news.

TIGGY:
This may be, Nigel, but you do not bring milk like I requested, I shall have your head for this!

NIGEL:
But it’s the masses, your eminence, they are asking for clean water.

TIGGY:
Its clean water they want, is it? Mutilate their children and have the women sodomised. That shall keep them in order, for now.

NIGEL:
As you wish, your eminence.

NIGEL BEGINS TO EXIT.

TIGGY:
And bring the milk.

NIGEL EXITS AND TIGGY GRABS A VASE.

TIGGY:
(SIGH) The Ming Dynasty is full of such unadulterated beauty. It brings a tear to my eye.

CUT TO:

SCENE 6. INT. THE FLAT – DAY [12.10]

THE SCENE CONTINUES FROM SCENE 4.

TERRY:
Cats aren’t fundamentally evil.

CLINT LOOKS AT TIGGY.

CLINT:
This one is. I’m sure of it. I don’t want it around. He creates a lake of fire in this room, burning away the good and making it neutral to the spirits.

TERRY:
It’s a cat, mate.

CLINT:
I just want it out of here.

TERRY:
Look, mate, he’s been here three years, you’ve been here ten minutes he’s
staying.

CLINT:
It is not me you are angering. It’s the spirits. They shall cast a curse on you.

TERRY:
Why?

CUT TO:

SCENE 7. INT. THE FLAT – DAY [SKETCH]

MARTIN THE SPIRIT AND AARON THE SPIRT ARE WATCHING TERRY AND CLINT FALL OUT.

MARTIN THE SPIRIT:
The bloody cheek of it.

AARON THE SPIRIT:
What's that?

MARTIN THE SPIRIT:
He won’t get rid of the cat!

AARON THE SPIRIT:
What a knobhead! That isn’t on. Let’s curse him.

MARTIN THE SPIRIT:
Shouldn’t we curse the cat?

AARON THE SPIRIT:
Hey [LONG PAUSE] don’t be cruel.

MARTIN THE SPIRIT:
It’s just… you know… allergies? I’m, what, three feet away? And my sinus’ are in a major tailspin. It’s like Pearl Harbour in my nasal passages.

AARON THE SPIRIT:
Yeah, the RSPCA will just love that, “so tell me Aaron the Spirit, why have you cast a curse that creates a spiralling downfall of circumstance creating a momentum leading to an inevitable doom on this household cat?” “Oh, you know, Martin has allergies.” No, no. We’ll curse the human.

CUT TO:

SCENE 8. INT. THE FLAT – DAY [14.00]

DWAYNE IS SAT ON THE SOFA; TERRY IS BRINGING DWAYNE AND HIMSELF A CUP OF COFFEE.

DWAYNE:
So what’s your new flatmate like?

TERRY:
Oh, Clint? He’s a total pillock. He’s a psychic medium, he speaks with this American accent but he’s from Hull, he’s a vegetarian, he doesn’t want to do any house work and get this; he thinks Tiggy is fundamentally evil.

DWAYNE:
The cat? Yeah I can believe that.

TERRY:
What?

DWAYNE:
I don’t think he’s above crushing a social uprising by butchering infants.

TERRY: (CONCEEDINGLY)
Yeah…

That's it, a few opinions I want, firstly do you reckon it's any good?

Plus on ScriptSmart it's 16 pages but if you copy and pasted it like this into a word document it's 10. How much should I send, the proffesional format?

Is the synopsis clear? Is it too long?

Thanks

Also should I put the introduction card after the Satan sketch or leave it where it is?

Sorry Charles. I don't mean to be negative but I didn't really get the whole idea. It just seemed a bit unnecessarily repetitive and not particularly funny.

Hmm a bunch of very good ideas, but kinda in the wrong order. Satan and Jesus, great, but you could boil them down to 2-3 a lines a piece, and be way punchier. Don't use info drops, they piss the audience off every time (show don't tell). So having Terry describe the new flatmate is a no no. Also Terry is completley undescribed, and that leaves me with cliched bloke.

You've got something there, I smiled, and thought it was funny. But sit com is it's own form, mess with it too much at your peril. I would suggest with a good edit, and a solid intro to Terry, and his flat mate, this could really go places.

n.b. though remember in my view it's a good central premise.

Have to agree with David on this...

Plus things like this...

"WE CUT BEFORE WE SEE THE STAB TO SEE TERRY COVERED IN BLOOD THAT SPLATTERS EVERYWHERE FROM THE STAB AND WE HEAR ONE OF THE VIRGINS SCREAM.TERRY LOOKS HORRIFIED."

It doesn't read very well, and your telling the director what to do... not a good first impression on either count.

The first few pages of any script are your one chance to impress, give the reader even the smallest excuse to reject it and they will.

Sorry to be so negative, but it is really important that you get your script be as near perfect as possible before you send it.

Stop trying to direct it and simply tell the story.

kjs

Thanks for the comments, I think sootyj is getting more what I'm going for, I purposely am messing with the conventions of sitcom.

I'm assuming an info drop is

TERRY:
Oh, Clint? He’s a total pillock. He’s a psychic medium, he speaks with this American accent but he’s from Hull, he’s a vegetarian, he doesn’t want to do any house work and get this; he thinks Tiggy is fundamentally evil.

But I think I'm gonna cut it too

SCENE 8. INT. THE FLAT – DAY [14.00]

DWAYNE IS SAT ON THE SOFA; TERRY IS BRINGING DWAYNE AND HIMSELF A CUP OF COFFEE.

TERRY:
and right, he's there talking with this American accent, but I was speaking to Mrs. Parks and he's from Hull, but get this; he thinks Tiggy is fundamentally evil.

DWAYNE:
The cat? Yeah I can believe that.

TERRY:
What?

DWAYNE:
I don’t think he’s above crushing a social uprising by butchering infants.

TERRY: (CONCEEDINGLY)
Yeah…

What do you think of the synopsis though, do you understand it?

Sorta, I get where your coming from. It's a good idea, but it's also ambitious. Sitcom is actually a ferociously conservative genre, and I think one of the hardest forms of drama to write.

You need 4-6 characters in a fixed setting, who will stay funny, and engaging when returned to maybe 30-40 times.

To do that you need rock solid characters, and rock solid relationships. One of my favourite sitcoms Father Ted, for all it's whimsy and fantasy. Still bases most of it's humour out of 4 main characters trapped on that feckin' island.

So where as your ideas are good. If you don't get Clint, and Terry as solid beleivable human characters. That dog won't hunt.

As sootyj said - some nice ideas. But you disregard the criticism in David and KJ's replies at your peril.

If I were you I wouldn't be sending this out to anybody today, as it needs a lot of work. One of the problems is unclear use of language:

"Things are made worse by Terry’s best friend Dwayne quite liking Clint and Clint’s ex-wife Judy (who regularly comes round for her and the kids maintenance cheque) and Terry’s mutual hatred forms a bond between them."

I don't understand that sentence, and I've read it three times.

I'm not sure how strict television people are on correct grammar and spelling, but I'd imagine that if something isn't clear on the first reading they're likely to toss it aside.

As for messing with the conventions of sitcom - maybe it's advisable to master those conventions before getting all radical on their asses.