Well I wouldnt begin with the unnecessary "So". Then I would promise reduce taxes to nil, make public transport free and reduce the duty on beer. That's because like many manifestos you can promise the earth when you've got no chance of being elected.
I'd be setting up a nationalised business selling tank loads of Scottish water at exorbitant prices.
This is all very interesting and I note some serious points have been thrown in too, not that I believe that there is a stark distinction between serious and not serious. A lot of the time I can't tell the difference and perhaps especially when I speak or write. But on that serious diversion...........there will be many of you who are going to vote Labour. Totally fine.
Personally as with almost anything I see pluses and minuses. I am worried about the blue coloured people when it comes to the NHS and how the oranges may turn into big dictators as well as Labour bankrupting the country but, hey, they will be fun like fairground rides are fun when they are run without a licence.. You want the definition of radical in 2019? It is the 18 year old who doesn't wank every night in awe of Mr Corbyn (unless it is an ultra green who celebrated day one of coming of age with a village orgy). Rad's name is Jesmond St Le Fauntleroy. He wears a bow tie when dressing down.
But - money is a weak point for me - tell me where I have got this wrong. Genuinely. Mr Corbyn's inheritance tax comes in at £125,000 on property values. The next £40,000 ish is to be taxed at the lower income tax rate. Everything above circa £165,000 of the value is to be taxed at the upper income tax rate which is to be raised from 40% to 50% so you and your family lose half of a property's value above £165,000 ish. BUT under probate law you can't sell a property until you have paid the tax on it. So even if that property is a hovel in Cleethorpes and has a value of no more than £180,000 and you have savings of nil or thereabouts then you can't sell it. That is via restrictions in the law - so where does this leave us?
The richer your family is in property the worse it gets so if Mumsy and Dadsy are in a place of £500,000 which is way, way above what mine are in but it applies to many. You yourself may have £5,000 savings but you can't sell their property when they peg it as you can't stump up the £200,000-300,000 required. And no one else gets any benefit from it so we have millions of empty flats and houses for ever more. It's kind of like a Marie Celeste policy where all these places will be empty and no one can be their sailor as they are "the disappeared". Now tell me what I am obviously not understanding.
Quote: Briosaid @ 27th November 2019, 9:53 PMI'd be setting up a nationalised business selling tank loads of Scottish water at exorbitant prices.
I'm happy with my local tap water.
D is for Devolved Powers.
Trust in politicians is at an all time low. The forthcoming election is the last chance to save Parliament from irreversible destruction and even extinction by 2025. Its ice caps of austerity have already melted. If I am elected as your new Government by a clear majority I shall get renewed trust done quickly on the basis of my excellent deal with myself so that I have the time to consider all other matters. However, in the impossible case that I should fail in this task or have been found to have lied, I shall not only ban me from ever standing again in an election but close down Parliament forever.
Following a quick COBRA committee meeting, I shall in that totally inconceivable event set up a fantasy football style app which is accessible by App store and Google Play so that each week it asks the public a series of policy questions. The questions in each week shall be simple, whether concerning health or education or the environment. It shall be a binary choice. Leave, meaning. yes do change the policy on such a such so that it goes in a different direction or remain, meaning, no keep with the status quo. Experts shall then put the will of the people immediately into action in the absence of any politicians as politicians shall obviously no longer exist. It's, rather as one might in other circumstances wish to cut out the middle man or woman or personage. The Civil Service shall also be cut to 15 people in a call centre in Telford.
But the diminishing of trust is not just a Westminster problem. I think we shall all agree, shall we not, that it is there when it comes to the EU, the devolved administrations, the mayoral offices (mayoral is incidentally pronounced "mairal" and not as most now in their peculiarity say "may-oral"), and the local councils. Consequently, my Government shall scrap every one of them and for all time by legislation that is indestructible by being made from Teflon material . This is not to say that I don't accept there is a role for sending powers upwards or especially downwards. I simply note that the existing structures and the people in them are not fit for purpose. And given all of the up/down and meet with/divorce directions that now divide the public and confuses them, only a deep eco-reconstruction shall improve their mental health.
Let's take the upwards momentum first. Once my bulldozers have successfully destroyed all of the buildings in Brussels, I shall immediately announce a replacement of the EU by an Economic Community of the Universe (ECU). Rather than being something that wants to be a political superstate it shall reflect the aims of what was the EEC and be entirely trade based albeit on a more ambitious scale. Just as the EEC began with just six countries comprising three significant ones - West Germany, France and Italy - and three of utter insignificance - Belgium, Holland and Luxembourg, ECU shall commence with six members - Earth, Moon, Mars and three stars that no one knew even existed. Its modest start shall reflect current limitations in freedom of movement but having a base initially in my new tax paying Amazon and vegan McDonalds sponsored International Space Station it shall be way more appropriate for the progressive and radical 21st Century too.
So much for the longer term.
My Government shall fully recoginse that the people only want to think about next week and what any changes in that timespan shall do to immediately transform their lives. As God once said - or was it Gandhi? - evolution is all very fine but it is devolution which presses the sex button. Few doubt in 2019 that often it is the people who are best placed to decide what is best for the people rather than a bunch of twonkers in the regional Assemblies and local Town Halls who only feather nests for themselves and not ornithologically. So following the removal of them all, I shall in my first 100 days devolve powers to the street level across the entire country. Each street shall be allocated a prudent pot of money.
It shall be up to individual streets of people whether to build new houses, hospitals, schools and prisons on their streets or rather spend their money on a military barracks with nuclear capability or set aside an area of factories and fields so as to take full economic advantage of the increasing popularity of drugs which kill millions across the globe. As I believe in the people, I know that my new street initiative shall improve the moral tone of this country now that all religion is dead. It is my absolute belief that where street people have the power to choose between gold standards services for themselves or paranoid defences involving tanks in every driveway and vast amounts of immoral profits from others' addictions they shall choose the first even if they all shall have to live in a commune eating only grains of rice and without heating.
Look. Listen. Listen. Look. Look. So I went all around the entire country on my private jet to meet the people. Real people. I stood on my basic soapbox in every tiny locality be it Greater Manchester or Cardiff and drowned out everyone else so that I could really be sure I had listened to and looked at what the people really want. This is a forward looking agenda in which the New Seekers' "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing" fully addresses the concerns raised in The Clash's "London Calling". And for all of those under 50 who are not familiar with these splendid works written by Cole Porter and Jerome Kern and can't buy a house I commit today to adding a chillwave sunny upland backbeat without cost to everything.
To the aforementioned bulldozers. To the International Space Station. To when you make a cup of Marmite drink following my banning of beef based Bovril. Is there any truth in the rumour that I shall destroy the Royal Family? No - I am committed to the Queen but given her impressive presentation and what shall inevitably be some disappointment for the Scottish people by my removal of Holyrood I say this. I shall consider if necessary crowning Queen Nicola and replacing the Windsors with the Sturgeons. That's with all of the lack of power counterbalanced by prestige and admiration that comes with that role. "Nothing on the Beefeaters at the Tower of London?" I hear you say. You're wrong. Given their contribution to climate change, I shall replace them with Michael Gove, Tom Brake, Barry Gardiner and a non fossil fuel.
Quote: Chappers @ 28th November 2019, 9:16 PMI'm happy with my local tap water.
Ha! But in spite of recent flooding in England, you often run out of water in summer. We'll be there to help you - at a price. *snigger*
E is for Eccentricity
Elect me and I shall improve the rights of eccentrics whether or not everything in them starts with an E. This shall reverse the tide of grey personality conglomerates. Since the year 2000 the number of so-called individuals who have hidden in one of the three 21st Century cohorts - chavs, strops and smug corporates - has sadly increased from 43% to 97%.
I shall permit eccentrics to marry including where the vicar is agreeable in a place of fatherly worship. I shall end discrimination against eccentrics in the workplaces and ease their access to parenting so long as they sign a contract to say that they will raise their children to be of the devout eccentricity faith. I shall release from prison all long term axe murderers who it is discovered were aberrant for merely being eccentric. And I shall lower VAT on essential food items for anyone who walks naked along a major throughfare telling everyone they are Jesus Christ or the prophet Mohammed.
To promote social activities among eccentrics so that they are not isolated watching daytime television alone, I shall reduce the tax on beer, wine and spirits at venues where eccentrics are prepared to go at least five nights in a row during any month to talk about the good old days, the bad new days and the days when they were on a yacht east of the Seychelles and happened to bump into Michael Jackson when he and Ben were enjoying a quiet curry together.
I shall remove the obligation to pay inheritance tax from any middle aged eccentric if he or she can prove consistently they are able to clear a room of dull conventional people inside eleven and a half minutes without the need for a grandfather clock or an egg timer. Where eccentrics can demonstrate they are people of colour, I shall make a special effort to ensure that they have opportunities to be introduced to and fully involved in exciting new pastimes like cheese rolling, morris dancing and knitting mittens, And I shall fund a Campaign for Eccentric Homosexual Equality for gay men, lesbians, transgender and intersex people who feel stifled by the po-faced political nature of their colourless communities.
How do you quantify eccentricity though?
They may be a delightful eccentric to one but a loud mouthed old piss artist to another.
You could ask them I suppose and if they answer "yes",you'll know they are not.
Political leaders that strap their children around their waist during prime minsters question time, should get double votes. Triple votes if they breast feed whilst holding the gaze of the PM.
Votes to loveable rouges should be null and void and all Jeremys are illegal.
If i was feeling a bit Corbiny
From Brian Ferry's 'Manifesto'
I am for the revolution's coming
I don't know where she's been
For those who dare because it's there
I know I've seen
Or a bit Borisy From David Bowie's 'Heroes'
I
I will be king
And you
You will be queen...
....And you
You can be mean
And I
I'll drink all the time
'Cause we're lovers
And that is a fact
Yes, we're lovers
And that is that
If i was channelling Nicola Sturgeon From Bob Dylan's 'This land is your land'
This land's not your land
This land is my land
From the corner offy
To the high street chippy
From the oil rich oceans
To Buckfast Abbey
This land was made for me not you
Or a bit Faragey 'It's my party' by Lesley Gore
It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you
Nobody knows where my Party has gone
But Boris left the same time
Why was he holding the EU's hand
When he's supposed to be mine
It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you
And lastly if i wanted to come across a bit Jo Swinsony
From 'I who have nothing' by Carlo Donida, Guilio Rapetti, & Jerry Lieber
I, I who have nothing
I, I who have no one
Adore you and want your vote so
I'm just a no one with no chance of winning but, oh
I love you
Vote, vote if you must vote for them
I thought, thought i could be PM
But, believe me, dear, when I say
When they give you your brexit, Then you will wish you had stayed
I love you
Quote: playfull @ 29th November 2019, 3:42 PMIf i was feeling a bit Corbiny
From Brian Ferry's 'Manifesto'
I am for the revolution's coming
I don't know where she's been
For those who dare because it's there
I know I've seenOr a bit Borisy From David Bowie's 'Heroes'
I
I will be king
And you
You will be queen.......And you
You can be mean
And I
I'll drink all the time
'Cause we're lovers
And that is a fact
Yes, we're lovers
And that is thatIf i was channelling Nicola Sturgeon From Bob Dylan's 'This land is your land'
This land's not your land
This land is my land
From the corner offy
To the high street chippy
From the oil rich oceans
To Buckfast Abbey
This land was made for me not youOr a bit Faragey 'It's my party' by Lesley Gore
It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you
Nobody knows where my Party has gone
But Boris left the same time
Why was he holding the EU's hand
When he's supposed to be mine
It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to youAnd lastly if i wanted to come across a bit Jo Swinsony
From 'I who have nothing' by Carlo Donida, Guilio Rapetti, & Jerry Lieber
I, I who have nothing
I, I who have no one
Adore you and want your vote so
I'm just a no one with no chance of winning but, oh
I love youVote, vote if you must vote for them
I thought, thought i could be PM
But, believe me, dear, when I say
When they give you your brexit, Then you will wish you had stayed
I love you
I like this a lot. 
F is for Finance
My proposals shall turn everyone into millionaires by the end of this year. Having provided huge amounts of detail in other more important areas, I have decided that it is not worth bothering to describe how this shall be paid for as I shall only be criticised by think tanks. Instead my policy shall be to replace the Treasury and all the terribly boring top hatted incomprehensible people there with my election winning campaign song. The one which proves that I fully recognise the needs of people in poverty and really feel their pain and also do not in any sense need to be placed on a diversity course.
Quote: Lazzard @ 27th November 2019, 11:10 AMMy (serious) policy would be SuperVAT.
In all categories you set price limits above which you set VAT at 30%.
The thinking being, if you can afford to spend £12k on a Rolex, you can probably run to £13k.
Pity your arithmetic is so bad.12K plus 30% VAT is £15.6K
Quote: billwill @ 30th November 2019, 1:06 AMPity your arithmetic is so bad.
If it is, maybe he's just following the lead of our two main political parties who, according to the IFS, also have very bad arithmetic. Very bad arithmetic indeed.
1. Introduce a bill so that the General Population can have a poll for a Vote of "No Confidence in the Government" and thus invoke a General Election. {suggested Quorum = 1 million votes}.
2. Introduce a bill that all MPs on taking up their posts shall cancel any "Private Health Insurance" they may have and shall rely only on the Health Services of the NHS.
3. Introduce a bill that any MPs voting contrary to their election manifesto are automatically expelled from their Party
4. Introduce a bill that any MP 'crossing the floor' or expelled from the Party, shall immediately resign causing a by-election, where that MP must stand either for the party of his/her new choosing or as an independent.
5. Introduce a bill that 90% of all profits from UK services owned by non-UK citizens/organizations cannot be exported but must be invested only in the UK
There that'll do for starters.
Number 1 will probably require that a secure, checked, electronic method of voting must be devised, with provision for those who do not 'go online'.
The main selling point of my manifesto is copyrighting ideas from Radio 4 shows so people can't turn them into forum threads.