So What Would Be in Your Political Manifesto

A is for Agriculture and Animals.

I shall if elected ban the import of any fruits and vegetables which can be grown in the UK. This in truth is all of them with the use of hydroponics for exotics like tomatoes as witnessed at Planet Thanet which is the size of several football pitches and in remote parts of the underground network below Greater London. I shall give a generous grant to anyone who wants to build their own Planet Thanet in a county which doesn't have one so that there is a Planet Thanet in every county whether it is Planet Thanet Lemons in Lancashire or Planet Thanet Kiwi Fruits in Kircudbrightshire. And I shall give an even more generous grant to anyone who sets aside vast numbers of fields for domestic fruits and vegetables. The grants shall be paid for by a giant windfall tax on anyone who by the end of 2020 has a concreted front garden rather than a proper one. Furthermore, I shall reduce income tax by one penny in the pound for anyone who by that time has in their front garden a salad patch, two goats which they regularly milk and one sheep and three rabbits for purely decorative purposes.

On animal rights, I shall not only ban the export of live animals but make cruelty to animals punishable by the removal of half a person's wealth. In some cases this shall involve the halving of their property so that the half which they lose is occupied by homeless gypsy people. I shall ease loneliness and discomfort for elderly and handicapped people by giving them a free pet which following psychological profiling is based on the sort of pet they can manage. In most cases it shall be a dog, a cat or a hamster but where the profiling indicates they would thrive with a challenge it might be a puma or something along those lines. In parallel with a rapid removal of flammable cladding on tower blocks, I shall employ architects to redesign balconies so that they are on four levels - the sunbed level, the raised flower bed level, the comfy home for your hedgehog or tortoise level and the level which enables you to decide how to contribute to urban rewilding.

To free up valuable court time so that courts can address the more serious offences, I shall allow an animals court based on the principle of moderate Sharia Law. This shall enable families and small communities to settle their differences privately on the basis of which dog barks first or which cat makes its first miaow. And then, of course, there is the dear Old Kent Road and how from an almost cockney perspective that has declined. My lovely uncle, my late godfather, had very fond memories of when it was frequented more often by drovers of cattle than lorries. In a boost for British farmers, I shall restore this thoroughfare by banning all vehicles other than horses and carts. However, in recognition of climate change and the need to bring the country together, I shall award rent free accommodation to anyone in a building on that road who wishes to open a vegetarian or vegan outlet. If successful there, my cool Sarf London initiative entitled "Have fun dancin' 'tween the shit, then get to where yer hummus and mung beans is it" will be extended across the whole country.

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B is for Bollocks

A surprising heading perhaps for a policy initiative given that it narrowly relates to briefly awkward and unwelcomingly glimpsed appearances of the male gonads. However, it is designed to grab the attention in a petulant, childish and liberally lowering the tone sort of way so as to ensure the outcomes I want. Can I say here for health purposes that every man should regularly check his own scrotum as I am concerned that men don't do that more frequently than every ten minutes throughout their adult lives. Great. So that has dealt with what is on the television relentlessly and even on the hypnotic boards at The Millwall. The more clever ones of you shall have already concluded that there is here a certain amount of poetic licence. Yep, What it actually leads into is the need for a wide discussion on values and even a Royal Commission lasting twenty years entitled "Let's Kick Language and Censorship into the Long Grass as It's All Too Difficult." Prompted by recent revelations of the true meaning of "Uppity" which f**king pissed off all of us who believe in decency, I believe the issue needs to be grabbed by its sweaty duo-spherical hairs and nudged or even robustly torsioned..

While I absolutely support initiatives against racist, sexist and homophobic language where it genuinely causes offence and ill health, and these aspects are already covered adequately in existing law, I consider that something radical if logically reasonable needs to be done to prevent manipulative over-reaction with a principal eye on financial gain. Consequently, I shall start with an absolute guarantee to maintain the integrity and broadcasting of historical comedic material without bannings or warnings except in the most extreme of cases. I am quite content to enable a dialogue which emphasises that there was naivety and even ignorance but I feel that where there was at root a sense of affection rather than hatred it really needs to be brought out. This could apply to everything from the pub sign for "The Black Boy" where an old warmly couple from god knows when and who were as servants effectively white slaves were depicted as trying to lovingly wash the colour of the skin from the boy in a bath to all of the cross dressing music hall stars who were so popular and loved in our country. And then I think if things are pushed too far simply so as to reap the rewards and deliberately upset other people, the response should be as a challenge to ban much more until everyone's pips squeak.

So in my manifesto today, I propose that as a counter-balance to any excessive tide in which lawyers make millions I shall safeguard the right to ban the word "f**king" and any word of the same meaning and all words like "c**t" and "prick" relating to the human genitalia on the grounds that they are offensive to people who are either celibate or discomforted by aspects of their own body. Further, I reserve the right for our law to replace the word "bloody" by "blimmin'" on the basis that the fear of blood and blood references in some reasonable people is such that this sort of reference could kill them.To reassure the public, I shall if necessary go further, banning "blimmin'" for its direct implication that the man uttering it really meant to say "bloody" if he were permitted by law and he would even as evil say "zounds" to murder Christians knowing it was short for Gods Wounds, And while I shall not immediately ban the use of pauper women who are gangbanged by billionaires for porn on the understanding it is freedom of expression, I shall describe in vivid detail the nature of that spunk covered degradation with a scientific assessment of how much they took just before they committed suicide so as to expose to the more conventional member of the public what occurs. That is, aside from those who claim as liberal freedom of expressionists to be supporters of womens' power and rights, Will Islam at that point rise up and attempt to take over? Perhaps and even probably. On this I shall take a neutral position, knowing I did my best.

I think you shall find that while some claim to be radical, I am the true radical based in convention and the only real deal.

If you vote for me I promise to lie, cheat and steal better than all the others.

Quote: john tregorran @ 26th November 2019, 7:55 PM

If you vote for me I promise to lie, cheat and steal better than all the others.

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Well, I thank you.

All smashing and luvvly jubbly as we used to say in Peckham pre woke.

C is for Cock.

As in cock-a doodle-do and what makes you get up in the morning to eat your corn flakes if it isn't period pain or morning wood. It is time for a time revolution. To end traffic jams, to facilitate frictionless momentum in other ways and to end the prejudice against night time dwellers when it comes to getting Glastonbury tickets, I shall if elected place this country's people in 24 different time zones as per each hour on the daily clock and ones which are broadly in line with the letters which start their surnames. I say broadly. M shall be halved between Ma and Mc and Md and Mz. Q and R shall be together. S shall be halved between Sa and Sk and Sl and Sz excluding people of Polish origin. T and U shall be together as shall V and W. X, Y and Z shall similarly align and that will include all Polish people as well as Russian. The 24th spot shall be reserved for all who seek to get themselves preferential living conditions by cheating the system and changing their names by deed poll so that they begin with an O or an I. Kids, we have seen enough O'Smiths and I'Jones's already.

From day one, only people whose surnames begin with an A will have midnight as their own time and the time on the Central London clock. Bs shall be midnight at 1am, Ds at 3am and so on all the way up to Xs, Ys and Zs including Russian and Polish people who shall be on midnight at 10pm and the cheating Is and Os at 11pm. Actually it will be 2301 as a punishment. As each year passes each group shall be forwarded on by one hour to enhance clarity and smoothness. By the age of 24, everyone shall have had an equal experience to everyone else. To address a possible loophole I shall change the age at which legal proceedings can be brought against alleged time discrimination to 24. Also, only judges with a name which starts with a letter at least five hours from the person bringing legal action shall be allowed to review these cases and all juries shall be multi-letterel. No verdict shall be possible until there are six people who spell Quorum.

Now I anticipate what you are all saying. Does this do anything to address the criticisms from mainland Scotland that everything is against them when strangely you never hear one word of complaint on the lovely Fair Isle, let alone Orkney and Shetland? Is it that the latter simply take fewer drugs, like to be careful drivers and are more genuinely Scandinavian in that way? Well if you read the full costed economic analysis I have achieved on the back of a fag packet I think you shall find that it is absolutely win-win for our wonderful friends in Scotland. I say this, having been prompted, not only to the inhabitants of our Scottish fringes but the enlightened island Celtic races too. To you all and even the people in Wales and Northern Ireland who assume living means accepting age old assumptions. I am happy to announce I shall apply a triple lock which keeps all of our countries connected at borders by gigantic lumps of metal dug deep into the earth. They shall have relevant TIMs attached, much along the lines of what we used to have in red phone boxes as we jimmy riddled when all the bogs were closed or used by cottagers on steroids. These "reds" or "dope and snigger exchanges in the willy compartment " as they were known outside sophisticated areas were, of course, our Matrons of telecommunications. So none of you shall be disadvantaged by different time clocks imposed by what you call your Governments or in the case of our lovely country's oh to be sure to be sures, from the Republic of Ireland where there shall be an added bolt and brace.

A special reset button for Brexit and a special vault to hide the documentations, video evidence and so on.

Reduce legal drinking and smoking age to 13 and reverse the smoking ban to inject a much needed boost to the pub trade and recruit extra NHS Matrons across the country using re-programmed, Russian made military cyborgs.

Excellent - and thank you both.

This is definitely warming up.

I'm hoping at the end of this there is someone who I could, if only in my head, vote for.

I'd introduce a Ministry of Comedy, responsible for licensing all comedians and comedy performers as well as for overseeing the production of all comedy on film, TV and radio, as well as in theatres, on the Internet and everywhere else.

Politically correct material would be permissible only with the express permission of the Minister of Comedy.

Payments for performers and writers would be basically quite generous but would increase in direct proportion to the number of complaints received from viewers and audiences.

Anybody found to be getting his/her mates to phone up and complain would be dealt with most severely.

LETS BOMB RUSSIA !!!!

Quote: lofthouse @ 26th November 2019, 10:56 PM

LETS BOMB RUSSIA !!!!

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10 Downing Street would be better.

I would introduce a 'Ministry for best practice' with powers to compel all other ministries and branches of government to implement 'best practice' where it can be identified.

More radically i would ban political parties. Every candidate would be an independent individual ensuring that every elected mp represents only the interests of the constituency that elected them and not some self serving political machine.

1) All school kids will go on a diet to reduce class sizes.

2) We rule out being in OR out of Europe. We'll just be lurking in the vicinity.

I like a good lurk...

My (serious) policy would be SuperVAT.
In all categories you set price limits above which you set VAT at 30%.
The thinking being, if you can afford to spend £12k on a Rolex, you can probably run to £13k.

Quote: Lazzard @ 27th November 2019, 11:10 AM

My (serious) policy would be SuperVAT.
In all categories you set price limits above which you set VAT at 30%.
The thinking being, if you can afford to spend £12k on a Rolex, you can probably run to £13k.

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Yes, that's an excellent idea - not least because a great many wealthy people actually prefer to pay more for their goods.

There's a rather posh department store not far from me and, recently, a woman in that very store was trying on a dress that had been reduced to £99.95 in a sale.

She was absolutely thrilled to bits with it until she realised that the price was just a shade under £100 and not, as she had thought, just a shade under £1000.

As soon as she realised her mistake, she wouldn't have accepted the dress as a gift.

She walked out of the store and the dress went back into the window.