Gold's annual search to find the best topical Christmas cracker gags is back. BCG members have been shortlisted in this competition every year it's run, so wishing everyone all the best again.
https://www.comedy.co.uk/pro/inside_track/christmas_cracker_joke_competition_2019/
I hear they've had to take on extra staff this year to deal with Michael Monkhouse's jokes.
You 're just jealous because I know so many jokes and interesting facts about the Spice Girls.
This is how it works...
When is a door not a door? When it' s a jar, at Christmas.
Why did Donald Trump cross the road? To get to the other side, at Christmas.
What's black and white and red all over and sometimes talks about Brexit? A newspaper, at Christmas.
What's got four legs and flies and has f**k all to do with Brexit? A dead horse, at Christmas.
What's brown and sticky and has even less to do with Brexit than a dead horse? A stick, at Christmas.
Knock, knock... Who's there?... Ariana... Ariana who?... Ariana Grande, at Christmas.
And if one doesn't have a Twitter account, I suppose one is disenfranchised.
Last year's winner took an ancient pun and applied it to an obvious target. Can't believe it won.
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 14th October 2019, 6:13 PMLast year's winner took an ancient pun and applied it to an obvious target. Can't believe it won.
The 2018 winner was: "What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker? Pays her off."
In 4th place was: "What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas? Their silence."
That joke makes absolutely no sense because he is clearly not buying their silence for them as a Christmas present: he's buying their silence from them for himself.
It's a funny thing, comedy.
Well, sometimes it is.
That's the joke I meant. They took an old gag and foisted it onto an obvious butt.
PS Knock knock. - Who's there? - Geri. - Geri who? - Geri Halliwell, at Christmas.
I am putting a number of jokes on there of dubious quality.
When is it acceptable to start watching Christmas DVDs? There's no punchline it's a serious question.
Quote: Definitely Tarby @ 14th October 2019, 10:38 PMWhen is it acceptable to start watching Christmas DVDs? There's no punchline it's a serious question.
When you're 85.
Quote: Joe Oakes @ 14th October 2019, 10:42 PMWhen you're 85.
With my lifestyle of excess that is out of the question so was thinking more along the lines of what date such as mid or late October.
Quote: Definitely Tarby @ 14th October 2019, 11:25 PMWith my lifestyle of excess that is out of the question so was thinking more along the lines of what date such as mid or late October.
To play safe I watched a first third of It's A Wonderful Life last week, will watch the second third in November and the third third on Christmas Eve.
Mind, the third I watched gave me no ideas for cracker jokes so maybe the other two thirds would, which is unfair as the closing date is before November!
Merry brexmas to one and all. Ho ho ho
My annual Christmas dinner table joke:
A piece of string walked into a pub, walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. The barman poured him the drink, passed it over and said "you don't mind me asking do you but aren't you a piece of string?" The piece of string replied "yes I am", took the drink & went and sat down.
A few minutes later, a second piece of string walked into the pub, walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. The barman poured him the drink, passed it over and said "you don't mind me asking do you but aren't you a second piece of string?" The second piece of string replied "yes I am", took the drink & went and sat down with the first piece of string.
A few minutes later, a third piece of string, rather threadbare with his ends tied together to keep him in one piece, limped into the pub, struggled over to the bar and ordered a drink. The barman poured him the drink, passed it over and said "you don't mind me asking do you but aren't you a third piece of string?"
And the third, rather threadbare piece of string with his ends tied together to keep him in one piece, replied, "No, I'm a frayed knot".
Mind you it would require a very large cracker...
Last year, I went to a brilliant Christmas party: it was held in a huge room and the organisers had pinned a sprig of mistletoe to the ceiling at one end of the room and a box of Paxo to the ceiling at the other.
And all the girls who wanted kissing went to one end of the room.
And all the girls who wanted a turkey sandwich went to the other.
I defy anybody to make a complaint about that joke! 